a question for girls

[f U z ! o N]

i've been wondering this for a while. is it wrong for a guy to want a girl to call him some? or to take him on dates? or to plan out activities to do?
would a girl consider that wrong or selfish of a guy? i just wondered if it was wrong for me to want these things sometimes. it makes me feel loved if a girl did this. im not talking all the time, just every now and then to take the load off a guy.

 

[findinghope06]

no i dont think there is anything wrong with that. frankly i wouldnt want the guy to do everything b/c then i would feel like i was taking advantage of him. a guy wants to know he is loved as much as a girl does, so i would plan some surprises or take him out just because. i see nothing wrong with that and no its not selfish on your part for wanting that.

 

[Scottish Joy]

Well, are you wanting her to run the show, or are you just wanting your relationship to be a team effort?

I guess practically, as a girl myself... I wouldn't ask my boyfriend out on a date "to this place at this time and I'll buy it for you." kind of thing.. But if he wants to do something I'll help him plan it out, and gladly! As far as calling and stuff- well, for me, he had to tell me he appreciated that before I felt ok doing it. I wasn't sure if I was overstepping (since he calls me every day after work anyway) and I wasn't sure if it would bug him. So maybe it's more of a misunderstanding thing... the girl may think she's doing something virtuous by waiting for you to call her- and not realize how much you'd appreciate her checking in with you!

Did that make any sense???

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

I wouldn't say there is a problem w/ it. I actually do most of the calling, and we do a lot of splitting of bills, he does pay a good chunk of the time though. I see no problem w/ asking her to do that. You should talk to her about it though, I doubt she has any idea you feel that way.

 

[f U z ! o N]

well lately i've been feeling like its more of me giving eveything to her and her not giving anything back. all i want is to just be called every now and then, heck every day maybe? it don't have to be long just a call. i would like her to plan out activities for us every now and then instead of me. ill pay i don't care about that. im just tired of having to plan everything, tired of wondering if she will call, tired of wondering if she cares.....i think it's just a misunderstanding on her part that she may not know what makes me feel loved. but i'll restate it for you guys. what makes me feel loved is when a girl calls me, plans out activities for us (doesn't have to pay), shows me more affection, and just takes a general interest in me. im tired of waiting by the phone wondering if she will call me, tired of waiting for her to plan a date or something, tired of wondering why.
im a romance person and i love it when a girl takes interest in me and this is what would make me feel loved.
i'd give her the world and anything she would ever ask for, i do my best to give her every want, need, desire. she's incredibly beautiful i just feel like im doing all the work.

 

[findinghope06]

well lately i've been feeling like its more of me giving eveything to her and her not giving anything back. all i want is to just be called every now and then, heck every day maybe? it don't have to be long just a call. i would like her to plan out activities for us every now and then instead of me. ill pay i don't care about that. im just tired of having to plan everything, tired of wondering if she will call, tired of wondering if she cares.....i think it's just a misunderstanding on her part that she may not know what makes me feel loved. but i'll restate it for you guys. what makes me feel loved is when a girl calls me, plans out activities for us (doesn't have to pay), shows me more affection, and just takes a general interest in me. im tired of waiting by the phone wondering if she will call me, tired of waiting for her to plan a date or something, tired of wondering why.
im a romance person and i love it when a girl takes interest in me and this is what would make me feel loved.
i'd give her the world and anything she would ever ask for, i do my best to give her every want, need, desire. she's incredibly beautiful i just feel like im doing all the work.

i would tell her everything you just typed here. i bet she doesnt know how you are feeling and she will definitly want to know. good luck w/ everything. im praying for you!

 

[f U z ! o N]

sorry for the double post buy here goes. i don't feel the need to hang out with her everyday nor do i want too. i want to give her space for her life. i just want her to take more interest in me and our relationship. on the days we don't hang out, give me a call and tell me what's going on. that would be so amazing. i plan where we go and what we do sometimes more than she does. thats fine with me, i just wish she would plan some things too. heck, i love suprises!

i want it to be a team effort with both of us giving equal lines of communication and showing love. it may be a while before we get there but i'll never give up on this girl!

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

I don't think you're wrong for wanting those things. It goes back and forth, but in a 7-day week, it is usually I who has called the most in my relationship. We usually decide together what to do for dates, but every now and then I'll ask him to plan something for us to do, or he'll ask me to make the plans. Maybe that's all you need to do, just ask her to make some plans for you two just because you are curious to see what she can come up with. Then at the end of the night, tell her that you really enjoyed doing what she suggested and you'd like to see in the future what other creative things she can come up with to do. Sounds kinda corny when I typed it out, but you know what I mean. Don't make it a big deal, just make it casual and light-hearted.

 

[f U z ! o N]

yeah its not a big deal. like i said, i'll never give up on her. she has my heart and i don't want anyone else.

 

[keyz]

yeah its not a big deal. like i said, i'll never give up on her. she has my heart and i don't want anyone else.

From what I understand, it seems to me like you are a very giving person. I've read your posts and you come across as someone who gives generously without even asking. It's just in you to give. That's an awesome trait, dude.

I'm also the same way if I'm thinking you are the way I think. I'm the type of person that can seem to give out a lot. I'm the type of person who just does without even asking. It doesn't even cross my mind that I'm giving as much as I am. What I'm getting at is that this can be a problem. At times for myself I feel walked on and like the life was sucked out of me and I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I can give so much to people and yet they cannot even return in any amount. So basically, you can give to much and it can be a problem.

I've learned that when I've found myself dry and in a place where I feel like life has been sucked out of me, I first have to run back to God. But usually I feel like this because I did not set very good boundaries with myself in the relationship. I've seen lots of people give so much in their life and they become wore out and bitter because of it. It's usually because their boundaryless people. They don't know how to say, 'No.' I'm not even so much talking about a dating relationship here.

So in my relationship with my girlfriend I've found that there are times I have to say, "No," in my own mind. For example, if I'm to wore out to call her or contact her and to make a nice conversation happen, I won't. If she wants to, I will glady talk with her but in my own mind I have to realize what state I'm in myself. If I don't have the energy to shower her with sweet words of affirmation, I won't. Now if you do say 'no' the lie you will automatically face will be, "You're being selfish. You don't care about her. God wants you to give, you selfish person!" That is not true. God wants us to give but God doesn't want us to give from an empty or bitter heart. If you are giving and you feel so drained because of it, you need to step back and let God fill you with something to give.

This is what I've learned. Maybe you can take something from it. I use to pour myself out so much to my girlfriend and what would end up happening was she'd almost take advantage of my giving (not purposely at all) because there was no need for her to run to me for affirmation of any sorts because I'm pouring 110% out. It is not a healthy relationship if one person is doing all the giving and the other person is doing all the taking. It can't be onsided. You get it to be balanced by setting boundaries.

I hope this makes some sense beacuse I'm awfully sleepy! Night night!

 

[f U z ! o N]

yes it made great sense! Im such a giver and i do it out of a kind heart. never bitter, never grudginly. always loving and kind hearted. i hope she has not taken advantage of me (without realizing it) i just want to feel like i am special to her. i want to feel loved and cherished. i guess i need to back off on my hugely generous heart. i don't want it to cause problems with her, gosh she means so much to me. i just want to feel like i am an important part of her life as she is to me. thanks for the great advice man.

 

[keyz]

yes it made great sense! Im such a giver and i do it out of a kind heart. never bitter, never grudginly. always loving and kind hearted. i hope she has not taken advantage of me (without realizing it) i just want to feel like i am special to her. i want to feel loved and cherished. i guess i need to back off on my hugely generous heart. i don't want it to cause problems with her, gosh she means so much to me. i just want to feel like i am an important part of her life as she is to me. thanks for the great advice man.

And yeah, let me clarify a bit.. She didn't 'take advantage of me' in such an awful way, but it did become a bit imbalanced as far as giving and receiving went. So it felt to me.

I also wouldn't say to back off your hugely generous heart, but make sure you are giving what you are capable of giving to begin with. Have boundaries basically... don't have the attitude of, "NOPE! Sorry honey, you get squat from me today!!" hehe. Have the attitude of, "I'd love to give you everything, but I'm not capable of giving so much because of where my heart is at." It's alright if you can't give her a dozen roses every time you see her face to face.

Boundaries are a great thing to have!

 

[f U z ! o N]

its nothing that i give too much, its that i have given and given and given. i just want to feel loved and cherished. all i desire is to be called more, taken places, have her plan something, and take REAL interest in me. i'll keep giving but my heart wants receiving. i have given so much and not recieved enough that i am getting sad and lonely.

 

[Scottish Joy]

I think you oughta let her know what you want from her. Don't make her wonder what she's doing wrong. There's nothing wrong with helping someone else to be a more balanced person, and if she's got her head on straight & you approach it right (gently & tactfully ) she'll appreciate hearing what you have to say. And honestly, she may have never thought about it that way before! And if you just bring it up & get it off your chest, I think it will do a lot of good for you too.
Prayerfully.
Joy

 

[f U z ! o N]

thanks, i wrote a 6 page note i plan on giving her because it was just easier to put it on paper than to say it. thanks for all the advice guys and gals. i hope she doesn't think i want too much from the relationship. i don't. i hope she doesn't get mad at me either for talking to her about this, when we argue it breaks my heart and i pretty much cry. yes i am a sensitive guy. arguments just put little holes in the heart that do take time to heal for me. ahh, we will see when i go to work today what happens. only 8 more hours till i get to see her! i haven't seen her in a week due to her vacation.

 

[lunalinda]

I know I'm being a typical female when I point this out, but:

take the load off a guy.

What's all this "load" stuff? Is it really a load to do those things for girls? Heh, but nah, seriously....

I don't think I'd have that big a deal with it. However, from my own experience, every time I called a guy it always seemed like it was at some inconvenient time. We'd talk for mere minutes before he had something else to do, and then he wouldn't bother to call back. I guess that's why I prefer to receive the calls, only because I already know that I'm ready to talk for hours if he wanted to.

As far as dates, well yeah, I'd plan them if I had an imagination, but I don't lol. I guess I'd rather us plan them together if we both aren't that great in coming up with ideas.

Anyway, I can see that the "dilemma" might have reached its end and I'm a bit tardy, but oh well.

 

[f U z ! o N]

well guys it was nothing but a miscommunication on our parts. she didn't know what made me feel loved. now she does and everything worked out for the better. i have the greatest girlfriend in the world.

 

[keyz]

well guys it was nothing but a miscommunication on our parts. she didn't know what made me feel loved. now she does and everything worked out for the better. i have the greatest girlfriend in the world.

I'm very happy that you got it all sorted out!

 

[Scottish Joy]

That's great.

 

[ahmunmun]

I have no opinion on this because I'm single.

However, I recently read a book called Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. It talks about the gender roles that God assigned to man and woman since the creation of Adam and Eve. The male is the initiator. The female is supposed to make room for the guy to play the leader. The author emphasized that God made both genders equal but the roles are important and reversing the gender roles is against what God intends. Um... perhaps someone who's read the book could help me out here. I don't remember that chapter in that much details. And how strict couples should follow their assigned gender roles, I don't know. I can sympathize a man who feels tired of playing the leader sometimes so...