A question for BP's

[brokenheartedguy]

Hey everyone...

I was married to a BP before she separated and supsequently divorced and I've travelled a journey of healing but also compassion towards the sweet woman I married...

I've been doing a school at a college of counselling and health care and I am seeking to understand one dynamic that I believe may be key in BPD...

I want to set expectations right away and want to separate BP as a behavior from the person, as the person is a valuable child of God, wholly loved by God and anointed by Him...

I'm wondering if anyone here who may have been diagnosed with BPD or suspect they have BPD might be able to answer the following question. This question is searching for answers that might have an impact on reaching out to BP's in love and not to condemn them and help bring freedom and healing...

Before I ask the question, my heart is of love here, my wife had been raped on several occasions as well as being invalidated by a mother, constant involvement in competitions for baton and pageants that had opportunity for heartache, and also had been held up at gunpoint on two occasions...

My question is this...

In your life, can you look back and identify any areas in your life or experience where you have been made to feel shamed? This can be through parental shaming you for non performance, sexual abuse, the abuse of competition and failure to win, through traumatic experiences etc...

If you have felt shamed, either directly or indirectly, how big of an impact has it had on your being, your self worth, your security and your confidence in who God made you to be?

Have you felt incapable of being loved or are you afraid of failure and subsequently being shamed as a result?

Love in Christ,
Dean...

 

[brokenheartedguy]

? i need sleep, been thinking too much, edited post due to sleepy goofiness...

 

[madison1101]

My mother was sexually abused at a young age, and developed bipolar disorder when I was an infant. She never dealt with her abuse, until she was in her sixties. My father was a violent alcoholic, who often fought with my mother when he was drunk. Many of my childhood memories involve my parents pulling at me, mom trying to get me away from Dad and Dad trying to put me in the car while he was drunk.

All of that led to a terrific amount of shame, in that I felt responsible for my mother's mental illness and my father's drunkenness.

As a teen, I was sexually abused in a nine month relationship, and also developed drug and alcohol addiction, carrying on the shame given to me as a child.

In therapy, I have learned that my entire identity has been one of shame, and it is at the core of my being. It has driven my behavior and my self-esteem. I have also learned that the more I acted out, the more I strengthened that shame, and the less I acted out, I took away its power.

 

[brokenheartedguy]

Madison, thank you so much for sharing, I'm encouraged to hear of your experiences but I also want to acknowledge and validate you as a person in the experiences you had growing up... You were a victim and it wasn't your fault that you experienced those shaming events...

I also want to thank you, as I know you helped me tremendously in the season of my life where I was coming out of a BP marriage... Your success of walking free is also an encouragement to keep pursuing understanding and ways to really love and help others get free from the things that have caused them to self protect...

I'm also still very interested to hear from others about their life experiences, I no longer like the BPD label. I don't believe anymore that it's a disorder, I believe the root is in being a victim of being shamed and the natural outflow is efforts to protect from being shamed again...

The problem as I see it with the BPD label is that it further shames the person by labelling them, and also causes the significant other to be able to point the finger further alienating the shamed victim and shaming them even further...

I am beginning to believe that the characteristic behaviours of self protection can be healed by validating the victim as a victim in those original shaming moments and by setting them free from the shame associated with them...

Right now it seems a lot of the focus is on treating the symptoms rather than the blockage in the feeder high pressure water pipe, that feeds the pipe to the showerhead which is causing the fine spray leak, that is in turn causing the wall to saturate thereby causing the paint to peel...

It seems to me, that the key to fixing the peeling paint is to get to the core blockage which I am beginning to suspect is actually rooted in shame...

I'll post again soon about my analysis of the inner child message in the roots and fruits of what I no longer want to label as BPD...

 

[madison1101]

Madison, thank you so much for sharing, I'm encouraged to hear of your experiences but I also want to acknowledge and validate you as a person in the experiences you had growing up... You were a victim and it wasn't your fault that you experienced those shaming events...

I also want to thank you, as I know you helped me tremendously in the season of my life where I was coming out of a BP marriage... Your success of walking free is also an encouragement to keep pursuing understanding and ways to really love and help others get free from the things that have caused them to self protect...

I'm also still very interested to hear from others about their life experiences, I no longer like the BPD label. I don't believe anymore that it's a disorder, I believe the root is in being a victim of being shamed and the natural outflow is efforts to protect from being shamed again...

The problem as I see it with the BPD label is that it further shames the person by labelling them, and also causes the significant other to be able to point the finger further alienating the shamed victim and shaming them even further...

I am beginning to believe that the characteristic behaviours of self protection can be healed by validating the victim as a victim in those original shaming moments and by setting them free from the shame associated with them...

Right now it seems a lot of the focus is on treating the symptoms rather than the blockage in the feeder high pressure water pipe, that feeds the pipe to the showerhead which is causing the fine spray leak, that is in turn causing the wall to saturate thereby causing the paint to peel...

It seems to me, that the key to fixing the peeling paint is to get to the core blockage which I am beginning to suspect is actually rooted in shame...

I'll post again soon about my analysis of the inner child message in the roots and fruits of what I no longer want to label as BPD...

The BPD diagnosis can be viewed as a label, if a therapist does not help the patient understand what it really means. My therapist helped me to remove the stigma of the label by explaining that it is a pattern of behaviors that are deeply engrained. They were developed as coping skills for trauma and shame when I was very young, and not able to develop healthy coping skills. In understanding them from that perspective, I was able to see myself as a hurting person, and view things in their original context, instead of a villainous witch who acted out all the time.

 

[gracechick]

Hey everyone...

I was married to a BP before she separated and supsequently divorced and I've travelled a journey of healing but also compassion towards the sweet woman I married...

I've been doing a school at a college of counselling and health care and I am seeking to understand one dynamic that I believe may be key in BPD...

I want to set expectations right away and want to separate BP as a behavior from the person, as the person is a valuable child of God, wholly loved by God and anointed by Him...

I'm wondering if anyone here who may have been diagnosed with BPD or suspect they have BPD might be able to answer the following question. This question is searching for answers that might have an impact on reaching out to BP's in love and not to condemn them and help bring freedom and healing...

Before I ask the question, my heart is of love here, my wife had been raped on several occasions as well as being invalidated by a mother, constant involvement in competitions for baton and pageants that had opportunity for heartache, and also had been held up at gunpoint on two occasions...

My question is this...

In your life, can you look back and identify any areas in your life or experience where you have been made to feel shamed? This can be through parental shaming you for non performance, sexual abuse, the abuse of competition and failure to win, through traumatic experiences etc...

If you have felt shamed, either directly or indirectly, how big of an impact has it had on your being, your self worth, your security and your confidence in who God made you to be?

Have you felt incapable of being loved or are you afraid of failure and subsequently being shamed as a result?

Love in Christ,
Dean...

I will say a prayer for your ex. I am so sorry you both have gone through so much, but find it so admirable that you have found the beauty in those ashes. By helping others. God bless you.

Am not diagnosed BP but looking at the symptoms I can relate to NonBP.

I think some of my issues came from a strict & religious parent. He is a loving & caring man, but never worked through his childhood issues & made the changes he needed & needs to make.
Rarely was anything ever good enough for him. We did not receive praise often, but there was much criticism & negativity. He cannot deal with others being the center of attention & feels the need to call attention to this or that he has done.
He would through angry fits if he wasn't in control of almost everything in the house & family. Needless to say mother was either pouting or they were nitpicking & fighting over the smallest things. I pray constantly still for change to come even though I have a family of my own.
I make every effort to correct him when he shows that behavior toward my baby or other grandchildren. I am always hopeful there will be change, bcause Jesus promises a new day every morning....

Hope this helps.
Blessings.

 

[TwilightCat]

BPD is sometimes referred to as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because so many sufferers have gone through some form of abuse during their life.

I have BPD, and at school I was bullied to the point of having to move schools and my psychiatrist says the bullying amounted to physical and emotional abuse. I would be punched for things like walking through the door first, and so I became very unconfident. At one point I was strangled to the point I thought I was going to die. Other times people would pretend I wasn't there, not in just ignoring me but saying 'Where's Abigail' and then walking into me and laughing. I was generally taught to feel ashamed of who I was and what I enjoyed doing (reading, and being educated).

When I was siz I was put in the position of most of the girls in my class not being allowed to play with me (their Mum's went to the school) as one Mum thought I was psychotic. I ended up very lonely and learnt at a young age not to trust adults.

I think this has really shaped a lot of my BPD. Because things like paranoia and such I feel are justified. For instance, I did not understadn what I did wrong when I was six, and at 11 (the other bullying incident) there were no set rules, you could be beaten up for anything. And I guess part of mind functions like I am still in those situations, and I am sure everyone is going turn against me, or is saying stuff about me behind my back.

Hope that helps.