A question about friendship.

[Dr. Shon]

Do any or all of you have at least one friendship in which you do all of the "work"? Someone who says they are your friend, but who never calls or comes by or contacts you in any way. Then they act hurt if you don't contact them for awhile. Is this a real friendship? I know we all go through times with our friends when one person makes more of an effort than the other because of personal problems, etc. But what about relationships where it is ALWAYS this way - one person taking ALL the initiative? I have some relationships like this and have just about decided they aren't worth it. Guess I'm looking more for an equal partnership in my relationships these days. What do you all think? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Thanks for your input.

 

[CoolMom6]

Actually, yes, and then I had the friends who would ONLY call or come by if they wanted or needed something, like money...never just to talk or visit, but it was always about what they needed.

I pray that I don't do anybody else like that!!

 

[heffalump_hunter]

Do any or all of you have at least one friendship in which you do all of the "work"? Someone who says they are your friend, but who never calls or comes by or contacts you in any way. Then they act hurt if you don't contact them for awhile. Is this a real friendship? I know we all go through times with our friends when one person makes more of an effort than the other because of personal problems, etc. But what about relationships where it is ALWAYS this way - one person taking ALL the initiative? I have some relationships like this and have just about decided they aren't worth it. Guess I'm looking more for an equal partnership in my relationships these days. What do you all think? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Thanks for your input.

Yep, in a sense I would say I have a friendship where I do at least a lot of the work. At least the part of communications. I have a friend who simply does not call. He never has. We've been friends for oh 20+ years now? He's like that with everyone. He seems to have a "pick up the phone and call" disability of some sort! That's just the way he is. When we get together, it's great! We meet up and do stuff together. Then we go our own way again, and if I wanna get together I have to call him again.

It really rubs some of my other friends who are also friends with him the wrong way. But I've just always known that this particular friend is the way he is. He's a great friend! I don't mind being the one to initiate contact, because we are always happy to be together when I do.

All I can do is tell you my experience Dr. Shon. I can't tell you whether your friends are right or wrong or whether you are selfish or sensitive. Sorry. I suppose it depends on how much fun you have when you are together and how much you value that particular relationship. For me, it's well worth it and a small thing to have to always be the one to pick up the phone and say hello. God bless you in your search for answers!

 

[MN John]

Do any or all of you have at least one friendship in which you do all of the "work"? Someone who says they are your friend, but who never calls or comes by or contacts you in any way. Then they act hurt if you don't contact them for awhile. Is this a real friendship? I know we all go through times with our friends when one person makes more of an effort than the other because of personal problems, etc. But what about relationships where it is ALWAYS this way - one person taking ALL the initiative? I have some relationships like this and have just about decided they aren't worth it. Guess I'm looking more for an equal partnership in my relationships these days. What do you all think? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Thanks for your input.

I don't know. I might be that type of friend. I sometimes think that my friends' lives are so busy that if I contaact them too frequently I will be a pest. If they contact me, then I know that they want to talk or do something and are not just responding to my needs or requests for their time.

Maybe your friends have similar thoughts. I know that if any friend said to me, "call me absolutely any time, I always have time for you." it would be a very welcome thing to hear. I might still try not to abuse the privilege, but reassurances down the road that they wnated to hear from me at least as frequently as they were would help to alleviate that qualm.

Perhaps your friends could just use a sincere invitation to take the initiative when they want to.

 

[MMXII]

Do any or all of you have at least one friendship in which you do all of the "work"? Someone who says they are your friend, but who never calls or comes by or contacts you in any way. Then they act hurt if you don't contact them for awhile. Is this a real friendship? I know we all go through times with our friends when one person makes more of an effort than the other because of personal problems, etc. But what about relationships where it is ALWAYS this way - one person taking ALL the initiative? I have some relationships like this and have just about decided they aren't worth it. Guess I'm looking more for an equal partnership in my relationships these days. What do you all think? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Thanks for your input.

I have a few friends like this. They are all married (not saying anything bad about being married). I attribute it to that very fact, they are married, they have families, they are busy. Whenever we get together it's great even though I feel like the fifth wheel. So for the most part I do most of the calling, or used to anyway. My life sometimes spins out of control and I'd just rather be alone and deal with it that way.

I don't think you are being selfish in any way. Relationships for the most part, are a two-way street...both giving and both receiving.

 

[Dr. Shon]

Happy belated birthday, Heffalump_hunter! Hope your day was great.

Thanks, all, for your opinions. They have given me food for thought and it is appreciated.

 

[CherylLynn]

I did have one and God removed her from my life as she wasn't good for my spiritual life. She could get mad at me but I wasn't allowed to get mad at her. I will forgive her but never let her near me again.

 

[Dr. Shon]

I did have one and God removed her from my life as she wasn't good for my spiritual life. She could get mad at me but I wasn't allowed to get mad at her. I will forgive her but never let her near me again.

I think you are wise to forgive but avoid. Some friendships, like you said, are just bad for us.

 

[Tricia4Jesus]

I don't know. I might be that type of friend. I sometimes think that my friends' lives are so busy that if I contaact them too frequently I will be a pest. If they contact me, then I know that they want to talk or do something and are not just responding to my needs or requests for their time.

I feel the same way. And I am even like this. But thankfully my friends ( well most of them anyway) know not to call me all the time. Truth is, I just don't have the time with the two little ones running around or acting like banshees. I don't hold it against my friends though. They are always there if I need an ear. You know. I can't get upset with them if I am the same way.

 

[CoolMom6]

My feeling on all of this, is we need our friends and even our online friends, because God put us on this earth for fellowship with one another. To me, that is not just "church" it is also to bless one another with friendship.
I try not to let too much time pass without calling my girlfriends with or without families...they are too precious to me. We usually seem to take turns with that, and visiting, and helping each other.

 

[country woman]

yes I do

 

[Dr. Shon]

I actually have some online friends that I am much closer to than my "real life" friends. And I thank God for them; they are very precious to me. The fellowship we share is sweet and joyful. And we comfort and uphold each other through trials and tribulations.

 

[CherylLynn]

I think you are wise to forgive but avoid. Some friendships, like you said, are just bad for us.

Well my mom pointed out that at a family function my husband couldn't get away from her. If you wanted to find her then look for Dan. That bugged me. One day I came home from work and she was there. She had been there an hour. If she wasn't home I wouldn't stay with her husband. She acted like she and my husband were on the same side against me. You should have seen her face when he gave me a compliment in front of her.

 

[VeronicasImage]

When I was 20 or so I had a friend like this but we went seperate ways. Things with my 2 best friends are very nice,equal and we're miles away now. Sorry I can't be more help.

 

[Dr. Shon]

Well my mom pointed out that at a family function my husband couldn't get away from her. If you wanted to find her then look for Dan. That bugged me. One day I came home from work and she was there. She had been there an hour. If she wasn't home I wouldn't stay with her husband. She acted like she and my husband were on the same side against me. You should have seen her face when he gave me a compliment in front of her.

This sounds like a bad and possibly "dangerous" situation. It should bug you. And I pray God's intervention and protection in this situation. I hope that doesn't offend you, CherylLynn. But I do see this as a cause for alarm or at least concern. God bless you, Sis.

 

[Friendshipcake]

I have had friendships where I am the one that keeps us in contact with each other or we don't have a connection. I was okay with this for several years and then finally decided that our relationship was more for me than for her. When I backed off and stopped emailing and calling we just about dropped off the face of the earth from each other. I know to this day she probably thinks it's "my fault" that "something" has happened between us. When it reality, it's just that "nothing" is happening between us because I've decided if it's not both of us, then it's nothing.

I value friendships very dearly to my heart. Although I don't have a lot of friends I do have several that I wouldn't trade for anything.

 

[GritsnGrace]

Oh, my.

Quote

Originally Posted by: CherylLynn

Well my mom pointed out that at a family function my husband couldn't get away from her. If you wanted to find her then look for Dan. That bugged me. One day I came home from work and she was there. She had been there an hour. If she wasn't home I wouldn't stay with her husband. She acted like she and my husband were on the same side against me. You should have seen her face when he gave me a compliment in front of her.

This sounds like a bad and possibly "dangerous" situation. It should bug you. And I pray God's intervention and protection in this situation. I hope that doesn't offend you, CherylLynn. But I do see this as a cause for alarm or at least concern. God bless you, Sis

.

I agree with Shon here, Cheri. I see some major red flags!! Praying for you!!

 

[Dr. Shon]

Ladies, Here's to good friends! They are worth all the effort.

 

[Friendshipcake]

Ladies, Here's to good friends! They are worth all the effort.

Hear~Hear! I'm with you sister! Wholeheartedly!

 

[FlatpickingJD]

I sure have. I had a friend who would only invite me over when he was moving and only called me to see if I could help him move. The couple times I needed something along the same lines, he wasn't there. Needless to say, I ended that friendship.

If you get something out of the friendship, if you know the person will be there when you really need him/her, one-sidedness isn't too awfully bad. It's just bad when the person is never there for you.