a question about abuse....

[BK4G]

I have a question.

If a child is angry and agressive against being touched by an adult and the adult continues to touch the child, is that abuse? (even if the touching is non-sexual in nature?)

 

[Surviving]

This is quite a hard one to answer. How old is the child? Is there an underlying issue why the child might feel angry and agressive? Have you spoken to the child about why they are reacting like this? Do you know the adult? What is the adult actually doing? There are quite a few questions here, and there are possibly loads more to think about. I would be careful though. I don't think you can consider it abuse until you completely know all the facts.

To give you abit of insight...I was sexually abused by a child minder when I was young. Whenever my dad tried to hug me or have some kind of contact with me, aparantly I didn't want to know. I was quite distant with him and I wouldn't let him touch me. My mum noticed this (although I was not aware of anything). When my mum asked if there was anything happening I told what was happening with the child minder.

What I am trying to say, is that there might not be anything going on with the adult that you have mentioned, but there could be some underlying problem. Please let me know how you get on.

 

[BK4G]

what if the person perves on a child (when undressing etc) and the child knows it and feels uncomfortable ...and also feels uncomfortable when hugged becuz the "hugging" doesnt feel right...would that be a form of abuse?
the feeling of being violated in any way would be classified as abuse wouldnt it?

 

[ConcreteAngel]

what if the person perves on a child (when undressing etc) and the child knows it and feels uncomfortable ...and also feels uncomfortable when hugged becuz the "hugging" doesnt feel right...would that be a form of abuse?
the feeling of being violated in any way would be classified as abuse wouldnt it?

I really believe that if something makes a person feel violated then it is indeed abuse. It concerns me what you say...it sounds like there's a child who needs some protection. There may even be more than one child who needs protection. My prayers are with you in this situation.

 

[UnitynLove]

what if the person perves on a child (when undressing etc) and the child knows it and feels uncomfortable ...and also feels uncomfortable when hugged becuz the "hugging" doesnt feel right...would that be a form of abuse?
the feeling of being violated in any way would be classified as abuse wouldnt it?

Hmmm...thats a hard one, no one should be touched when they don't want it

 

[Surviving]

what if the person perves on a child (when undressing etc) and the child knows it and feels uncomfortable ...and also feels uncomfortable when hugged becuz the "hugging" doesnt feel right...would that be a form of abuse?
the feeling of being violated in any way would be classified as abuse wouldnt it?

If someone is perving on a child, it is wrong, especially if the child is undressing. In my opinion, this needs to be stopped straight away.

As for hugging being a form of abuse, that is a hard one. No child should be forced to do something that is going to harm them or make them feel uncomfortable.

As for the definition of abuse, have a look on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abuse. It says the following:

Abuse is a general term for the use or treatment of something (person, thing, idea, etc.) that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person or thing, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful. Its close synonyms are mistreatment and maltreatment. The word "misuse" has a more distant meaning of incorrect, uneducated use, not necessary harmful.
Abuse can be something as simple as damaging a piece of equipment through using it the wrong way, or as serious as severe maltreatment of a person. Abuse may be direct and overt, or may be disguised and covert.

It then goes on to give the different types of abuse. I hope that this helps and I pray that whatever is happening, the Lord will guide you in the right direction.

 

[BelindaP]

If a child is forced to hug the person who is making them uncomfortable, that would be abuse, especially if the person forcing them is the one making them uncomfortable.

There are times when I think it is acceptable. My son has nightmares and sleepwalks. We occasionally have to restrain him for his own safety. We have also found that gentle restraint + talking to him helps him to come out of it.

Also, when disciplining a child, especially a younger one, one must hold them still to reason with them.

 

[BK4G]

thank you for your replies....

My previous posts in this thread was actually referring to my own past experiences/childhood...i really didnt know how to express it, so i wrote it all in 3rd person...being touched by this person didnt feel like a normal innocent loving gesture...it always felt like i was some kind of doll for that person's enjoyment, it also felt scary/wrong...and i really cant explain it...it just felt wrong

if i got angry and tried to get away the person would blame me and say that i was wrong...so i was always confused about it...like i didnt understand WHY i had to LET them touch me when i didnt want it..and whether i was wrong for feeling uncomfortable...it was very confusing as a child...
theres so much more i cant really say on this forum site...i always grew up thinking that feeling uncomfortable around that particular person was my own fault...i always felt that the fears associated with this person was unreasonable...

im trying to clarify all of this and find out whether what that person did was a form of abuse or not...i was really confused as a child and still abit confused as an adult about it all....

 

[FallingWaters]

what if the person perves on a child (when undressing etc) and the child knows it and feels uncomfortable ...and also feels uncomfortable when hugged becuz the "hugging" doesnt feel right...would that be a form of abuse?
the feeling of being violated in any way would be classified as abuse wouldnt it?

Yes. That is abuse. It violates the child. The child knows it is wrong. The child feels violated.

 

[FallingWaters]

thank you for your replies....

My previous posts in this thread was actually referring to my own past experiences/childhood...i really didnt know how to express it, so i wrote it all in 3rd person...being touched by this person didnt feel like a normal innocent loving gesture...it always felt like i was some kind of doll for that person's enjoyment, it also felt scary/wrong...and i really cant explain it...it just felt wrong

if i got angry and tried to get away the person would blame me and say that i was wrong...so i was always confused about it...like i didnt understand WHY i had to LET them touch me when i didnt want it..and whether i was wrong for feeling uncomfortable...it was very confusing as a child...
theres so much more i cant really say on this forum site...i always grew up thinking that feeling uncomfortable around that particular person was my own fault...i always felt that the fears associated with this person was unreasonable...

im trying to clarify all of this and find out whether what that person did was a form of abuse or not...i was really confused as a child and still abit confused as an adult about it all....

Let me be perfectly clear for you. That person was a pervert who was trying to get away with something and got called on it. No child imagines improper touching that is not there. You could tell the difference.

You didn't go through your life accusing everyone of touching you improperly... right? Just this one person?

You are perfectly sane. That person's boundaries are all out of whack.

The way to be set free from it is to forgive the person. If the truth were to be known, it's very likely that that person suffered violation of their boundaries, too.

 

[Surviving]

Let me be perfectly clear for you. That person was a pervert who was trying to get away with something and got called on it. No child imagines improper touching that is not there. You could tell the difference.

You didn't go through your life accusing everyone of touching you improperly... right? Just this one person?

You are perfectly sane. That person's boundaries are all out of whack.

I agree with what FallingWaters has said here.

 

[BK4G]

thanks for the replies...

 

[BK4G]

it is hard to forgive...its also hard to forgive the other adults who didnt help me...

i guess its all in the past now...

 

[ConcreteAngel]

it is hard to forgive...its also hard to forgive the other adults who didnt help me...

i guess its all in the past now...

Hi There!

Your words are what i too struggle with...I just wanted to say one thing, yeah it is in the past but the hurt you are feeling about the past IS the present (ie not past)...For a number of years, I used "it's in the past so doesn't matter" as my justification for the abuse i suffered (and at that time was continuing to suffer) but a very close friend of mine helped me to understand that it all matters because it shapes who we are and has caused us to respond the ways we do in given situations...all things that are very much in the present...does this kind of make sense...if not, tell me!!...i'm just trying to explain what's in my head...not always an easy task for me!!!

With Love CA

 

[Surviving]

CA, I think that what you have said here really makes sense. I couldn't have put it better myslef.

BK4G, I think that forgiveness comes in time...and not in ours! God has a time for everything. We need to understand things first and work through things before we can truely forgive someone. That's what I feel anyway.

I know that I need to forgive my abuser...along with a few other people. But I need to work through a number of issues first before doing so. It doesn't matter that my abuse happened 14 years ago. It still seems real to me as though it was yesterday. Yes, it's in the past. But like CA said, the past is what has made me who I am today...and I need to understand that.

 

[BK4G]

CA, I think that what you have said here really makes sense. I couldn't have put it better myslef.

BK4G, I think that forgiveness comes in time...and not in ours! God has a time for everything. We need to understand things first and work through things before we can truely forgive someone. That's what I feel anyway.

I know that I need to forgive my abuser...along with a few other people. But I need to work through a number of issues first before doing so. It doesn't matter that my abuse happened 14 years ago. It still seems real to me as though it was yesterday. Yes, it's in the past. But like CA said, the past is what has made me who I am today...and I need to understand that.

its only hard to forgive becuz my whole life up until this point, i was confused about it...

 

[FallingWaters]

its only hard to forgive becuz my whole life up until this point, i was confused about it...

I know what God does in my life is He brings me through a season of dealing with certain aspects of the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child, and then I get a break for a while, then He brings another thing to my attention. I wouldn't be surprised if God has orchestrated this whole thing thus far- as far as you thinking about it and asking questions about it- I have found the best thing to do is to assume God is leading me to healing and to try to follow Him as closely as I can, facing the pain and dealing with it the way I need to.

At the end of the grieving, forgiveness is possible.

 

[Amin]

I have a question.

If a child is angry and agressive against being touched by an adult and the adult continues to touch the child, is that abuse? (even if the touching is non-sexual in nature?)

I think everytime you do something to a child that they don't want you to do, ( not counting discipline ), it causes the child to feel at least the feelings of some anger, and frustration.
Chuck.