A problem with a woman at a meeting

[LynnMcG]

My husband attends AA meetings daily. I can't remmeber off hand how long he's been sober, but he's really been working very hard at his program and is doing really well. My problem is a woman at one of his meetings. She has called for him, I guess 4 times in the last few months asking him if he needs a ride to a meeting. We have a brand new car, so he's not looking for a ride. As a matter of fact, I tease him that he's the AA taxi, because he's always driving guys.

I usually answer the phone when she calls, so she knows he's married. He told her to stop calling, and it was also mentioned to her sponsor. Still, she called AGAIN this past weekend. My husband is a really nice guy. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But this past weekend, when she saw him at a meeting after he refused a ride, she got really mad at him. Both before and after the meeting she said something to him. I told him, this isn't innocent. She's mad because he hurt her feelings and she has no business having any feelings for him.

OK, so here's my problem. I'm concerned that she has other problems besides the reason she's at meetings in the first place. This needs to stop, but how? Should I say something the next time she calls? Maybe my husband should have his sponsor handle it with her sponsor?

Before anyone answers, understand, my husband is NOT doing anything behind my back. Let's not go there. OK? This has never happened to us before, so I'm just asking if anyone has an advice on how to proceed. I don't know if she's got mental problems (which is not only possibly but likely, but I don't want to get into that). I don't want to come across like a jealous wife, because I'm not. She's making my husband uncomfortable. It's getting to the point where he doesn't want to go to a particular meeting because she'll be there.

Thanks!

 

[chilehed]

I’ve been in a similar situation before, I was single at the time but it was nonetheless very uncomfortable. If she hadn’t been someone with additional needs I’d have told her that she had no business hitting on a newcomer and that if she wanted to mess with someone’s program she should go somewhere else. I ended up having to tell her that I was having a difficult time lately and really needed to stick with the guys. That worked.

Given that she may have some additional issues and may not really be fully cognizant of social cues, speaking with her sponsor was a good way to start.

Perhaps he could speak to her sponsor again, and also gently tell her after a meeting that it’s really not appropriate for her to call a married guy like that, and that she’d be doing the Fellowship a lot more good if she were offering rides to women. If she’s like the woman I was dealing with then with she may genuinely not know.

And of course, I presume he's talking with his sponsor about this..

 

[DividedWeFall]

Alcoholism is a drug like another and getting of it can have the same effect as trying to get of say crack or something, i know that sounds weird but its true. Anyway my advice for this would be to understand that i doubt this lady is intentionally trying to destroy your marriage so don't be to harsh on her. Maybe shes just trying to fill a void that kicking the hooch has left. I'd say (without knowing all the facts) that maybe she feels that your hubby is a sort of 'kindred spirit'. While others around her don't know what its like for her, he does. So maybe she thinks he is 'something' to her. In the end i would have the sponsors deal with it and try to avoid contact with her. Should she call again I'd try to calmly explain that your family doesn't want her calling anymore, but you'll have to be careful when saying it as a recovering alcoholic can easily be turned back to the bottle. Maybe investing in a phone that displays the callers number would be an idea so that you can avoid answering her calls all together – blocking her number might also be an option. Hope i could help in some way.

 

[elvenstar]

If she calls again, I would gently but firmly tells her your husband does not need rides to the AA meetings, and that she shouldn't call again. Since she's also going to the AA meetings it's likely she has enough problems, so try to be as nice and understanding as possible, but still getting your point accross.

I'd say (without knowing all the facts) that maybe she feels that your hubby is a sort of 'kindred spirit'.

It's true, she may view your husband as someone who understands. If it starts to bother you a lot, you could try switching your husband's times, or even meetins places. And if it persists, try talking to the sponsor again, that's always a good idea.

 

[LynnMcG]

If she calls again, I would gently but firmly tells her your husband does not need rides to rehab, and that she shouldn't call again. Since she's also in rehab it's likely she has enough problems, so try to be as nice and understanding as possible, but still getting your point accross.

It's true, she may view your husband as someone who understands. If it starts to bother you a lot, you could try switching your husband's times, or even clinics. And if it persists, try talking to the sponsor again, that's always a good idea.

Thank you. Just to clarify, this isn't in rehab it's for AA meetings. Unfortunately, there are just so many a day in this area. They only see each other at one meeting a week.

She didn't call this past week though. The week before she called to ask him if he needed a ride. He said no. When he got to the meeting she flipped out when she saw him. She was very angry that he got there himself. He said she was really weird and very mad. She said something to him before and after the meeting. He told her again, please do not call. I do not need a ride and you shouldn't be calling me anyway. Hopefully, that'll do the trick.

I know he's trying to be kind, but in some ways, I think he's being too kind and she's not taking it the right way.

 

[allieisme]

OK, so here's my problem. I'm concerned that she has other problems besides the reason she's at meetings in the first place. This needs to stop, but how? Should I say something the next time she calls? Maybe my husband should have his sponsor handle it with her sponsor?

I would probably say something the next time she calls.. But then it might be better for his sponser to say something to her..
I might have missed this.. but has your husband asked her not to call, and if so, what does she give as a excuse to keep calling?

 

[LynnMcG]

I might have missed this.. but has your husband asked her not to call, and if so, what does she give as a excuse to keep calling?

Well that's part of the problem, he has told her to stop calling. Her sponsor also told her to stop calling. I can't remember which call it was, but she recently called crying about her soon-to-be ex-husband to my husband. That's just wrong. She shouldn't be talking to a man about these things. My husband went to high school with her husband but he didn't know her from then. He just met her recently. Maybe she thinks my husband is going to offer her some insight into her own situation?! I don't know.

 

[GodlySoul]

My husband attends AA meetings daily. I can't remmeber off hand how long he's been sober, but he's really been working very hard at his program and is doing really well. My problem is a woman at one of his meetings. She has called for him, I guess 4 times in the last few months asking him if he needs a ride to a meeting. We have a brand new car, so he's not looking for a ride. As a matter of fact, I tease him that he's the AA taxi, because he's always driving guys.

I usually answer the phone when she calls, so she knows he's married. He told her to stop calling, and it was also mentioned to her sponsor. Still, she called AGAIN this past weekend. My husband is a really nice guy. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But this past weekend, when she saw him at a meeting after he refused a ride, she got really mad at him. Both before and after the meeting she said something to him. I told him, this isn't innocent. She's mad because he hurt her feelings and she has no business having any feelings for him.

OK, so here's my problem. I'm concerned that she has other problems besides the reason she's at meetings in the first place. This needs to stop, but how? Should I say something the next time she calls? Maybe my husband should have his sponsor handle it with her sponsor?

Before anyone answers, understand, my husband is NOT doing anything behind my back. Let's not go there. OK? This has never happened to us before, so I'm just asking if anyone has an advice on how to proceed. I don't know if she's got mental problems (which is not only possibly but likely, but I don't want to get into that). I don't want to come across like a jealous wife, because I'm not. She's making my husband uncomfortable. It's getting to the point where he doesn't want to go to a particular meeting because she'll be there.

Thanks!

the sooner you say something the better. don't wait for things to really get out of hand!