JonathanFord said:
A Raging Soul
Cloudy is my world
A storm on the horizon one just past
I fight the tides, the waves, the winds
Everyday a struggle
One step after the next
The farther I go the deeper it seems
Oh where is land
So far away
Isolated here on the sea
I have become lost
And cannot be found
My ship has been battered
I fear it will break
Yet still I search for vivid land
And in the darkness of the deepest storm
Comes a simple man
Upon the waves he walks
Like clouds beneath his feet
Brightly shinning as the sun
A lighthouse to a battered soul
Any comments or critisism would be great to hear thanks
I will reply to your other poem presently.
I am not a fan of freeverse.
Far too often it is done badly.
This, however, is a good example of freeverse written with the propper measure of gusto and respect to poetic device.
I find that the line 'Everyday a struggle' works sweetly.
It has a simplicity; less is more in poetry.
however, it requires a comma, and a full-stop.
Everyday, a struggle.
'Cloudy is my world' seems a very trite beginning to such vehement bravado.
Perhaps : Within my eyes are clouds?
or: The seas I sail are veiled.
Something more imagined; less forced.
A storm on the horizon one just past;
Perhaps...
But it's too much for one line in this nicely minimal poem.
'Horizons rage; before and aft'
or 'step to stern and aft do boil'
or 'Stern boils and after rages'
Ship talk is a good idea for this peice.
One step after the next;
Perhaps instead of step; describe the storms...
One squall upon the last
One squall after the next
Something like that ...
but step seems, well, out of step.
The farther I go the deeper it seems;
I really didn't like this line at all.
It seems very forced. I'd cut it completely.
However, if you feel you need that message; try a re-word.
Knot by knot my plumb falls further
or something. (Knots are speed, and imply distance, the plumb is used to measure depth; hence the term 'to plumb the depths')
Isolated here on the sea;
Another fairly trite line.
You need to be talking more like a sailor; less like a normal person.
Perhaps:
Emerald sea; she has me trapped
Blue prison, waves and wash entrap me.
The introduction of the words prison and trapped etc... adds the feeling of enclosure in vastness.
Perhaps even better that you imply the vastness of the sea, and add the trapped or prison thing.
It's a powerful image.
I have become lost;
I nice siple line. If you feel to chage it; add something about the charts and/or equipment used to keep a ship on course.
'My charts and sextant fail me'
or something of that ilk.
The rest may or may not need adjusting after a modification of the first section.
On to you next
