A personal question about "lording over"

[stevetruax]

I would like some help, advice, and encouragment on a particular issue that came up the other day with my Pastor:

I called my Pastor on Saturday, Aug 2, telling him that I wasn't going to make it to church on sunday because my wifes' aunt had just been diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma (brain cancer) and may not have too long to live (she's 87 years old). He asked if I couldn't take off work and I said "No. this is a critical time in my wife's family. We need to be there to support the family." He said he was disappointed with me. I said I was disappointed with him. Well, he rebuked me, told me I needed to get my priorities in order. So instead of me going "in peace to love and serve the Lord", I went with a guilt ridden conscience. We got home sunday evening and I knew that neither my wife nor myself were called to be ruled over in this manner. For her and I to deny a loved one would be to deny our faith. It hit me that my Pastor's instruction radically lacked compassion.

I am one of two elders (my Pastor being the other elder) at a small reformed congregation. Scripture does state that "We are to serve not out of compulsion nor to be lorded over, but willingly" (1 Peter 5:2-3).

Could someone comment on this situation? How should I handle this issue? My Pastor is teaching a lot about the Kingdom of God and it seems to be a matter of how to apply Luke 14:26-27.

Thanks in advance for the godly counsel.

Steve

 

[rotorhead]

Hi Steve.

I don't have my reference material here, so bear with me.

My first thought: Does your pastor actually believe that Luke 14 calls us to hate our families? I suspect not. That would invalidate the rest of scripture that calls us to love. It is a call to place God's work above that of anything else that could stand in His way. Luke finishes up that section explaining that we should count the cost of being a disciple. So, what exactly is God's work?

Acts chapter 6 speaks of the apostles appointing men to oversee the physical needs of the people. What was happening there, was essentially the commissioning of deacons. (I am a deacon, though not actively serving at the moment). Why would Peter bother apointing anybody? Because physical needs are important to God. We are not called to ignore the plight of the needy. We are to help them. Showing mercy to those in need is a specific spiritual gift that Paul mentions in his first letter to the church at Colosse.

In the gospel of Mark, Jesus shows us something else of His nature. Chapter two ends with Jesus rebuking the Pharisees who criticized him for not heeding the Sabbath regulation. His reply? "the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath." Following right behind that in chapter 3, Jesus sees a man with a crippled hand. he questions the Pharisees: "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" He then proceeds to heal the man.

What's the point? Even Jesus disdained useless regulations in favor of performing acts of mercy, and even on a holy day. I think the point I am getting to is, would God rather have you show up at church or to show mercy to someone in need?

My conviction is that it is far better to worship God by showing mercy to those in need, than to be at church simply because you are supposed to be there.

I hope that helps in some way.

 

[JeffreyLloyd]

Welcome to Christianforms, stevetruax!

Support your family! They should always come first, if your Pastor can't understand that I would look for another church!

Peace be with you brother!

 

[JeffreyLloyd]

And i'll be sure to say a prayer for your wife's aunt!

 

[rotorhead]

A second thought, Steve:

Perusing the gospels, I came upon this. If we sat down and tried to figure out how Jesus spent his time, what would we come up with?

A vast amount of Jesus' time was spent showing mercy to people in need. We don't have a single account of Jesus preferring to be at the temple service over healing someone. I think that is indicative of the message Jesus was trying to get across to us.

He also spent a lot of time rebuking teachers of the law for being self-righteous, self-serving and spiritually blinded. They preferred strict rules and minutia, while ignoring the heart of God. Jesus was none too fond of that. But I don't recall seeing Jesus get upset at anyone for showing mercy.

 

[Monika]

Hi Steve,

I think Rotorhead and Jeffrey are right on... I'm shocked your pastor would be so insensitive, so lacking in compassion to the situation. ((hugs))

- Monika

 

[JeffreyLloyd]

Cool harp Monika!

 

[kimber1]

i think your pastor was being awfully unChristianlike to make that comment. i mean, you did do him a courtesy of informing him ahead of time of why you wouldn't be there. personally i think Jesus would have wanted you to go to your family's side!! i probably would sit the pastor down and tell him how his comments made you feel so you can air out the situation.

 

[Ken]

Steve, I too am disappointed in your Pastor's behavior... it reminded me of a section of the Scripture where Jesus was chastising the Pharisees for their lack of love to their parents, and I think it no stretch to apply this to your extended family, in fact, why think it has to be limited to family at all? At any rate, here is the passage....

(Mat 15:1-9 NKJV) Then the scribes and Pharisees who were from Jerusalem came to Jesus, saying, {2} "Why do Your disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat bread." {3} He answered and said to them, "Why do you also transgress the commandment of God because of your tradition? {4} "For God commanded, saying, 'Honor your father and your mother'; and, 'He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.' {5} "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God"; {6} 'then he need not honor his father or mother.' Thus you have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition. {7} "Hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy about you, saying: {8} 'These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, But their heart is far from Me. {9} And in vain they worship Me, Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.'"

Blessings

 

[Reformationist]

Could someone comment on this situation? How should I handle this issue?

Here's my advice. I hope it helps.

Remember that your Pastor is a fallen person who struggles against sin just like everyone else does. I would encourage you to extend the man some grace, which doesn't sound like something that would be difficult for someone like you who has so much compassion for others. If you haven't already, forgive him and when things have settled down go and speak to him and explain to him that, while you know that as an elder in your church you have responsibilities, you also have responsibilities to those outside of your congregation, especially people in your family who need to be ministered to. Ask him (your Pastor) to understand the vital importance of a ministers role in encouragement and how it would probably have hurt your wife if you did not go and minister to her aunt.

Speaking from the view of one who has been, for the last three years, a member of a small reformed congregation I will tell you that it's often difficult for people to focus on your hardships as a leader instead of how your hardships affect them. The grace of God is the only thing that will help us to focus on the needs of others more than on our own, even when that other person is, like you, a leader who we look up to and look forward to learning from.

So, in summation, the way you should handle it is to forgive the man and ask him and God to forgive you if you've harbored any unrighteous thoughts about this situation and ask the Lord to give both of you the grace to love the other more than yourselves. Above all, in whatever you choose, decide beforehand to have a plan to glorify the Lord. Then look to how you may have contributed. Only after you've done that are you able to clearly see your brother's sinfulness and help him overcome it. Then, by both agreeing to reconcile your actions and thoughts to the Lord's Word will you honestly be reconciled to each other.

May the Lord be with you my brother,
God bless

 

[abbygirlforever]

I think you had your priorities perfectly in order. The members of your church would be there the next Sunday, your wife's aunt might not. Your wife needs the comfort and support that you can give her as your husband in such a difficult time. You did not mention the spiritual condition of her aunt, so she may have been in need of spiritual guidance. The purpose of a Christian is not to live within the walls of a church, but to go out into the world to spread the Good News and help those in need. I think your wife's aunt definetly qualifies as a person in need. You need to talk to your pastor in private about this and try to reconcile with him. The church needs unity very badly, and it would be a terrible thing for you to split over something like this.

 

[stevetruax]

I would like to thank everyone who gave encouragement regarding this situation with my pastor. I am no longer attending this particular fellowship. Seems that my disagreement to the pastor's instruction indicated that I was not willing to be under his leadership. This has been a very trying time in my walk with the Lord. I have been very humbled during this season.

By the way, Aunt Ginny did pass away about 3 weeks ago. She died in her sleep. A peaceful death. It is my hope that she was a believer. I didn't know her very well. Her pastor did make reference to her unfailing work for the Lord, but I'm not sure if her motives were Christ centered or self centered. Only God knows.

Thanks again for the kindness and support in this forum.

Steve

 

[JeffreyLloyd]

No problem Steve. Hope you stay and become on of the family here

 

[SavedByGrace3]

Could someone comment on this situation? How should I handle this issue? My Pastor is teaching a lot about the Kingdom of God and it seems to be a matter of how to apply Luke 14:26-27.

Thanks in advance for the godly counsel.

Steve

Resolve your issue with him... taking the hit if need be. And then, if you feel you need to be cared for, seek fellowship elsewhere. But do not just stop going, and do not leave with bad feelings.