I didn't know God after about age twelve, but always remembered reading the Bible before that, and becoming convinced that the commandment not to lie was impossible, because, being younger than twelve, I knew that if I was asked if I was hungry, and said 'no', only to 'change my mind' because someone was presenting me with food, that I was a liar. At this time in my life, I was the oldest of seven children. All adults where either addicted to meth or at least condoned it. I prayed for all of them, until I discovered I was a liar. Then I thought it would be better to find a way out, and show the other children. I should mention that this is half of what I remember before twelve. The rest I forgot, zero memory of a pretty large chunk of my childhood.
Then came musical groups at thirteen. These I didn't realize as damaging. I remember Oprah on the tv, talking about how 1 in 4 boys and 3 in 4 girls are molested in someway. I listened to eminem and marilyn manson. I believed I had to 'save' the others. I fed them what I learned in that music.
It wasn't until rehab that I started to remember my childhood. I didn't know how to cope, being without God.
Years later, comes Teal Swan. I loved the idea... could her mish-mashing of opposing beliefs save the world, and all the children who were like me?
No. The girl promotes death, in every sense. (Her first client committed suicide, which she laughs about). I did forgive everyone I saw as being the cause of my spiritual sickness using her videos (felt great, didn't last). I believed this 'heal yourself, heal the world' thing and I became selfish and more lazy trying to heal on my own, or through others who are ill. I felt the 'law of one' turn from euphoria to an uncomfortable burning in my bones. That's something you can't forget, or explain, or be sure you're free from. Thank You, Jesus, I hear you now.
I ended up recovering more old memories, as well as the knowledge that the forgetting was a gift from God. You really can't function when you're aware of how much danger surrounds you, and, when you're young enough, you believe it's your fault.
This time, Jesus helped me to forgive.
But, here I am, confused. God keeps telling me I'm forgiven. I get disgusted with how much I've betrayed Jesus. The end of the world seems nigh. But...
When in meditation and prayer I am told things that conflict with the bible.... specifically, 'thou shalt have no gods before me' helped justify genocides, that king James changed the bible, that men, being imperfect, only got it half right... other times, it's explained to me how every word IS true, how other gods are demons, how God can work through even king James.
I am a literal person. I don't know how to make sense of this. Is it a demon? God delivered me from alcoholism, he saved a life through a bible verse, despite telling me that when people die, he surrounds me with angels (I thought that meant they wouldn't pull through.)
I use to be a cutter. Is that related?
Any thoughts?
Then came musical groups at thirteen. These I didn't realize as damaging. I remember Oprah on the tv, talking about how 1 in 4 boys and 3 in 4 girls are molested in someway. I listened to eminem and marilyn manson. I believed I had to 'save' the others. I fed them what I learned in that music.
It wasn't until rehab that I started to remember my childhood. I didn't know how to cope, being without God.
Years later, comes Teal Swan. I loved the idea... could her mish-mashing of opposing beliefs save the world, and all the children who were like me?
No. The girl promotes death, in every sense. (Her first client committed suicide, which she laughs about). I did forgive everyone I saw as being the cause of my spiritual sickness using her videos (felt great, didn't last). I believed this 'heal yourself, heal the world' thing and I became selfish and more lazy trying to heal on my own, or through others who are ill. I felt the 'law of one' turn from euphoria to an uncomfortable burning in my bones. That's something you can't forget, or explain, or be sure you're free from. Thank You, Jesus, I hear you now.
I ended up recovering more old memories, as well as the knowledge that the forgetting was a gift from God. You really can't function when you're aware of how much danger surrounds you, and, when you're young enough, you believe it's your fault.
This time, Jesus helped me to forgive.
But, here I am, confused. God keeps telling me I'm forgiven. I get disgusted with how much I've betrayed Jesus. The end of the world seems nigh. But...
When in meditation and prayer I am told things that conflict with the bible.... specifically, 'thou shalt have no gods before me' helped justify genocides, that king James changed the bible, that men, being imperfect, only got it half right... other times, it's explained to me how every word IS true, how other gods are demons, how God can work through even king James.
I am a literal person. I don't know how to make sense of this. Is it a demon? God delivered me from alcoholism, he saved a life through a bible verse, despite telling me that when people die, he surrounds me with angels (I thought that meant they wouldn't pull through.)
I use to be a cutter. Is that related?
Any thoughts?
I pray you will find answers upon asking: 
