Well this all happened a few months ago back around February/March but I figured I should post my testimony anyway. So here it is:
Childhood/Growing up: Parents were both christians, or so they said they were. Though I had a hard time understanding why my dad was hardly ever in the same room as my mom as well as the rest of the family. He was and still is nearly completely uninvolved with the family. Mom was almost always angry and yelling while i grew. There was no connection emotionally or otherwise between, well, everyone in the house was distant from each other.
My parents hardly ever took me and my 3 brothers out anywhere, couple that with my homeschooling up until grade 4 excused me from developing any social skills. So public school wasn't fun, getting made fun of alot.
So i was getting made fun of a bit at school and getting it at home as well. And when i turned 17, my parents split up and my dad moved out. It was at this point that I couldn't believe that one or both of my parents weren't christians. This was also the point where i started to learn about my parents' upbringing and how awful it was for both of them growing up. There was a lot of arguing and yelling between me and both parents, cause i was just starting to make friends for once and needed to get out and hang out and learn the world outside of my house.
So when i finally started to make friends and socialize a bit, I began doing a little bit of smoking, drinking here and then and smoking pot occasionally, not to be cool, but just for something to do because of depression and boredom, and most importantly, self-medication. I quickly learned that drugs and drinking didn't work so i dropped that, but i continued to smoke just to get outside and chat with other ppl. However, no one in that crowd of ppl, whether at school, work, or at a bar, were inviting or compassionate. Their attitude was 'well, sh!t happens, life goes on, oh well."
That was not a solution at all.
There was no escape, either out of the house or in my own bedroom. I drew and sketched things in my room and wrote 'semi-hate' letters to the world. Then every 5 seconds I was being called by my parents to do some kind of chore, even while i was in the bathroom...I couldn't even get a few minutes of privacy.
The TV was always being used, same with the computer and Nintendo/Sega whatever we had at the time. Doodling and music got boring after a while. There was absolutely nothing fun or uplifting to do. My only happy memories was when i got to sleepover at my grandma's house....freedom! It was weird having grandma bring food to me downstairsand watch movies with me, or having her take me out downtown to the local pizza place...I wasn't used to that but I loved it.
Church Experience: I think from the moment I was born I was brought to church. We went to a local Baptist church. Sunday school was fun, we got to colour with crayons the important bible figures, like Joseph and his (technicolour) dreamcoat. The stories of the plagues and all that were cool. Dad let me help out with the audio system, which was rare (remember he was barely involved with anyone).
I went to the mid-week boys group too, which was my only chance to develop social skills, which wasn't nearly enough activity to learn how to deal with people.
Then when i was about 11, we switched over to a Mennonite-based local church. There i started going to Junior Youth groups, but coudln't make friends or anything, actually, i thought everyone in the group were obnoxious and selfish. It wasn't fun, so I quit going.
About this time, all of church got boring too, i didn't care about anything, God or youth groups. On Sunday mornings i refused to go, however I was basically forced to go, or else no TV or games at all, and/or more chores to do. That baffled me. I learned in school about my rights as a Canadian, but i learned at home that I really had no rights at all anyway. But what I coudln't understand was that my parents claimed to be christians.
Being forced to take part of something that I didn't believe (how could i believe in a loving God having this kind of 'christian' environment as an example?) was in my opinion not very christian or anything.
So a bit later when i started high school, the senior youth leader asked me to try out their youth group to see what it was like. So i did, and it felt like walking on thin ice when i went. It was there that my social skills improved a bit, the people were a little more accepting than school, but not accepting enough. I was still sorta getting teased a little bit, and every once in a while if i said or did something 'sinful' some ppl would jump down my throat.
The things we learned from the bible weren't really catchy, or deep enough to help. Basically we were being taught to 'do this and that way, you can only do it that way or else!'. Also, you were assigned to pray during the prayer requests, whether you wanted to or not. It was weird talking to someone or something that i didn't believe in, not too mention how embarassing it was since i sounded 'unprofessional' compared to the 'real christians.'
And when it was time for bible study our youth leader (the pastor's wife) instructed us to stop laughing and be quiet, not a sound, and get serious, because "this is God's time."
All of this was telling me that God wasn't fun, that he was more of an institution and a tradition, or some kind of hippie-type cause, become one of them or else. And finally when the youth leader asked us who was a christian and who wasn't or who wasn't sure, she basically tried shoving the bible down our throats. It was basically a form of brainwashing, that whole 'christian' experience. In fact now I realize too that some of the things they taught were just wrong and illogical, and many bible scriptures were misinterpreted.
To me this was all religious, it had no meaning. And if there was meaning behind it, it was hypocritical. It was all talk and no walk. One sunday our sunday school class was asked to be baptized or else the youth leader was gonna shove the bible down your throat again. I just decided to take the least stressful route and do it, and make up a BS testimony and lie to the entire congregation.
Being forced to church, and basically forced into baptism. Eventually around the age of 17 when my social skills were coming through, I quit youth group. My mom and brothers still went, but for those two hours on Wednesdays i had the house to myself. That was sooo relieving. A year later when i turned 18, my mom said i didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I stubbornly refused to go at all. I had sworn to myself that I will only return to a church if I figure out for myself the truth about God, if there was any truth at all.
College: I decided at the last moment to go to a college 2 hours away from home because A)they had a baseball team B)i could get out of this family. The baseball was fun, but making friends with the team didn't happen (just as it did when i was younger). I was living in the middle of the most urban and populated area in all of Canada and still not getting out at all.
Plus the first year my only option was to live with this family that i met through my mom's church. Having already a presumption about church and hypocrisy, this just made it worse. I wasn't allowed to do anything, couldn't eat supper with my elbows on the table. When i was called for supper and ran to the bathroom to wash my hands first, i'd end up being a few seconds too late, so they'd jump on my back about being late for supper.
The parents there had a son that htey adopted, and boy did they treat him like cowdung. The poor kid was barely allowed to rent the movie Terminator cause it was rated 14A or something. I remember when he passed his driver's test, the parents called the cops and told them to find the car and follow him and report back.
That poor kid, was getting yelled at for everything, right outside my door. To make matters worse, his man of the house was a pastor for two churches. I feel sorry for those churches.
As for school, out teachers were brutal. Teachers basically took attendance and that's it. Didn't learn much. The entire program was very unorganized and the professors coudln't teach. So i dropped out.
I didn't want to move into my mom's so i moved into my dad's. It was there that I learned why my parents split up. And i thought my mom was bad. Not only that, but my dad's dad was an alcoholic, and it was there that I too learned why my dad acted the way he did and how he was raised. Living in a house with two guys who have no ability to reason, who both have severe mental disorders.
During that time i went to another college. While i managed to make a couple 'far' friends (as opposed to close friends) I didn't really know what I wanted to do for a career. In fact i basically went just to interact with other ppl and get out of the house. While that did help for my social skills, i graduated still without any idea for a career.
The Agnostic Phase: Well I was technically agnostic my whole life, but I call my agnostic phase the point from when i dropped church to the point i became an actual christian. During this time, because of boredom and a lack of motivation to do my college homework. So I'd lie on my bed, or play videogames, and just think and think and think......and think and think............and think...................and think harder. I'd think about all sorts of things, what to do for a career, what to do for a hobbie, my past experiences. I';d think about how i should deal with my parents, and my brothers. I read some books about mental disorders and about toxic parents.
In college at that time i took 3 psychology courses, which helped out an awful lot and helped me realize why I was raised the way I was, and why I was severely depressed. At this time also, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, but later found out that this was a misdiagnosis. I was given Celexa an SSRI (anti-depressant) which did nothing.
I was then diagnosied simply with depression, and given Paxil (another SSRI) which worked, but only a little bit. I took a few therapy classes at the hopsital where I did learn a lot about mental health and psychology. But nothing helped.
I continued to sit at home and think and think. I'd go outside for a cigarette and think and think. It was around February/March of this year that I came to the lowest point of my life. All hope was lost. It seemed like i would never make a close friend. I did have a close friend earlier but because of my pessimism and anger that I shoved her out of my life.
I could not for the life of me figure out what i could do as a career or what to do to make enough money to support myself for the rest of my life. Talk therapy didn't help much. My anti-depressant at the most made me phyisically feel a bit better, but it coudn't mask the flood of suicidal thoughts and plans. It was at that point that I decided that my only option was to kill myself. I had thought about it earlier and came close to trying, but i figured at the time that suicide was illogical. I couldn't see how not existing anymore would erase the problems that could result in a painless existence.
But at this point this past spring, it got to the point where suicide was the only option left that I could think of. Among all the other things I tried, among all the therapies and medications etc., this was the only option left that I could think of.
But wait, as i sat thinking and thinking and thinking, i could just tell that there was something outhere. There had to be something greater than us humans. As i puffed away at my cigarettes outside, i'd often look at the plants and trees and think very hard about creation. There must have been a source of this. Before this tree there was a seed, that seed came from another tree which came from another tree and so on. Then I thought about everything else, space, planets, rocks, clouds, how did this all happen? What caused this? How did humans come to be?
I traced in my mind the pathway that lead back to the very beginning of the earth. I then figured that everything that exists, must have been created. It was completely illogical to think that all this, these galaxies, the millions of molecules in a single pin, to just accidentally occur. I knew that everything that exists must have come from something. Something could not come from nothing. I knew there was a power behind everything, a source. I then figured too that the things that we can't see; love, hatred, selfishness, greed, wisdom, hope, that they must have a source as well.
I then began to picture in my mind how evereything came to be. I figured that that thing that made the everything, was a kind of god, and that this god, according to logic and philosophy, had to be infinite. According to logic, order, hierarchy, etc, that the very centre, or at the very top of it all, and at the very beginning and end of everything, that thing had to be THE god.
From here i began to shape in my mind what the true god is. I figured that in order for love to exist that there would need to be a counter to love, hatred. I knew that at the top of everything bad was a 'god' and at the source of all good was a better god.
I then began to picture in my mind that these authorities were spiritual, and that virtues such as love and hope and lust, all had their roots in spirit. I began to shape a picture of what true love is and what that love, the true God, is. I'll continue in the second part.
But while i figured all this stuff, i couldn't make up my mind for sure. Sure there was love out there, there was hope, but how do you aquire this? This got me even more frustrated, which eventually lead me to make my decision: I was going to kill myself for sure. Part two coming up.
Childhood/Growing up: Parents were both christians, or so they said they were. Though I had a hard time understanding why my dad was hardly ever in the same room as my mom as well as the rest of the family. He was and still is nearly completely uninvolved with the family. Mom was almost always angry and yelling while i grew. There was no connection emotionally or otherwise between, well, everyone in the house was distant from each other.
My parents hardly ever took me and my 3 brothers out anywhere, couple that with my homeschooling up until grade 4 excused me from developing any social skills. So public school wasn't fun, getting made fun of alot.
So i was getting made fun of a bit at school and getting it at home as well. And when i turned 17, my parents split up and my dad moved out. It was at this point that I couldn't believe that one or both of my parents weren't christians. This was also the point where i started to learn about my parents' upbringing and how awful it was for both of them growing up. There was a lot of arguing and yelling between me and both parents, cause i was just starting to make friends for once and needed to get out and hang out and learn the world outside of my house.
So when i finally started to make friends and socialize a bit, I began doing a little bit of smoking, drinking here and then and smoking pot occasionally, not to be cool, but just for something to do because of depression and boredom, and most importantly, self-medication. I quickly learned that drugs and drinking didn't work so i dropped that, but i continued to smoke just to get outside and chat with other ppl. However, no one in that crowd of ppl, whether at school, work, or at a bar, were inviting or compassionate. Their attitude was 'well, sh!t happens, life goes on, oh well."
That was not a solution at all.
There was no escape, either out of the house or in my own bedroom. I drew and sketched things in my room and wrote 'semi-hate' letters to the world. Then every 5 seconds I was being called by my parents to do some kind of chore, even while i was in the bathroom...I couldn't even get a few minutes of privacy.
The TV was always being used, same with the computer and Nintendo/Sega whatever we had at the time. Doodling and music got boring after a while. There was absolutely nothing fun or uplifting to do. My only happy memories was when i got to sleepover at my grandma's house....freedom! It was weird having grandma bring food to me downstairsand watch movies with me, or having her take me out downtown to the local pizza place...I wasn't used to that but I loved it.
Church Experience: I think from the moment I was born I was brought to church. We went to a local Baptist church. Sunday school was fun, we got to colour with crayons the important bible figures, like Joseph and his (technicolour) dreamcoat. The stories of the plagues and all that were cool. Dad let me help out with the audio system, which was rare (remember he was barely involved with anyone).
I went to the mid-week boys group too, which was my only chance to develop social skills, which wasn't nearly enough activity to learn how to deal with people.
Then when i was about 11, we switched over to a Mennonite-based local church. There i started going to Junior Youth groups, but coudln't make friends or anything, actually, i thought everyone in the group were obnoxious and selfish. It wasn't fun, so I quit going.
About this time, all of church got boring too, i didn't care about anything, God or youth groups. On Sunday mornings i refused to go, however I was basically forced to go, or else no TV or games at all, and/or more chores to do. That baffled me. I learned in school about my rights as a Canadian, but i learned at home that I really had no rights at all anyway. But what I coudln't understand was that my parents claimed to be christians.
Being forced to take part of something that I didn't believe (how could i believe in a loving God having this kind of 'christian' environment as an example?) was in my opinion not very christian or anything.
So a bit later when i started high school, the senior youth leader asked me to try out their youth group to see what it was like. So i did, and it felt like walking on thin ice when i went. It was there that my social skills improved a bit, the people were a little more accepting than school, but not accepting enough. I was still sorta getting teased a little bit, and every once in a while if i said or did something 'sinful' some ppl would jump down my throat.
The things we learned from the bible weren't really catchy, or deep enough to help. Basically we were being taught to 'do this and that way, you can only do it that way or else!'. Also, you were assigned to pray during the prayer requests, whether you wanted to or not. It was weird talking to someone or something that i didn't believe in, not too mention how embarassing it was since i sounded 'unprofessional' compared to the 'real christians.'
And when it was time for bible study our youth leader (the pastor's wife) instructed us to stop laughing and be quiet, not a sound, and get serious, because "this is God's time."
All of this was telling me that God wasn't fun, that he was more of an institution and a tradition, or some kind of hippie-type cause, become one of them or else. And finally when the youth leader asked us who was a christian and who wasn't or who wasn't sure, she basically tried shoving the bible down our throats. It was basically a form of brainwashing, that whole 'christian' experience. In fact now I realize too that some of the things they taught were just wrong and illogical, and many bible scriptures were misinterpreted.
To me this was all religious, it had no meaning. And if there was meaning behind it, it was hypocritical. It was all talk and no walk. One sunday our sunday school class was asked to be baptized or else the youth leader was gonna shove the bible down your throat again. I just decided to take the least stressful route and do it, and make up a BS testimony and lie to the entire congregation.
Being forced to church, and basically forced into baptism. Eventually around the age of 17 when my social skills were coming through, I quit youth group. My mom and brothers still went, but for those two hours on Wednesdays i had the house to myself. That was sooo relieving. A year later when i turned 18, my mom said i didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I stubbornly refused to go at all. I had sworn to myself that I will only return to a church if I figure out for myself the truth about God, if there was any truth at all.
College: I decided at the last moment to go to a college 2 hours away from home because A)they had a baseball team B)i could get out of this family. The baseball was fun, but making friends with the team didn't happen (just as it did when i was younger). I was living in the middle of the most urban and populated area in all of Canada and still not getting out at all.
Plus the first year my only option was to live with this family that i met through my mom's church. Having already a presumption about church and hypocrisy, this just made it worse. I wasn't allowed to do anything, couldn't eat supper with my elbows on the table. When i was called for supper and ran to the bathroom to wash my hands first, i'd end up being a few seconds too late, so they'd jump on my back about being late for supper.
The parents there had a son that htey adopted, and boy did they treat him like cowdung. The poor kid was barely allowed to rent the movie Terminator cause it was rated 14A or something. I remember when he passed his driver's test, the parents called the cops and told them to find the car and follow him and report back.
That poor kid, was getting yelled at for everything, right outside my door. To make matters worse, his man of the house was a pastor for two churches. I feel sorry for those churches.
As for school, out teachers were brutal. Teachers basically took attendance and that's it. Didn't learn much. The entire program was very unorganized and the professors coudln't teach. So i dropped out.
I didn't want to move into my mom's so i moved into my dad's. It was there that I learned why my parents split up. And i thought my mom was bad. Not only that, but my dad's dad was an alcoholic, and it was there that I too learned why my dad acted the way he did and how he was raised. Living in a house with two guys who have no ability to reason, who both have severe mental disorders.
During that time i went to another college. While i managed to make a couple 'far' friends (as opposed to close friends) I didn't really know what I wanted to do for a career. In fact i basically went just to interact with other ppl and get out of the house. While that did help for my social skills, i graduated still without any idea for a career.
The Agnostic Phase: Well I was technically agnostic my whole life, but I call my agnostic phase the point from when i dropped church to the point i became an actual christian. During this time, because of boredom and a lack of motivation to do my college homework. So I'd lie on my bed, or play videogames, and just think and think and think......and think and think............and think...................and think harder. I'd think about all sorts of things, what to do for a career, what to do for a hobbie, my past experiences. I';d think about how i should deal with my parents, and my brothers. I read some books about mental disorders and about toxic parents.
In college at that time i took 3 psychology courses, which helped out an awful lot and helped me realize why I was raised the way I was, and why I was severely depressed. At this time also, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, but later found out that this was a misdiagnosis. I was given Celexa an SSRI (anti-depressant) which did nothing.
I was then diagnosied simply with depression, and given Paxil (another SSRI) which worked, but only a little bit. I took a few therapy classes at the hopsital where I did learn a lot about mental health and psychology. But nothing helped.
I continued to sit at home and think and think. I'd go outside for a cigarette and think and think. It was around February/March of this year that I came to the lowest point of my life. All hope was lost. It seemed like i would never make a close friend. I did have a close friend earlier but because of my pessimism and anger that I shoved her out of my life.
I could not for the life of me figure out what i could do as a career or what to do to make enough money to support myself for the rest of my life. Talk therapy didn't help much. My anti-depressant at the most made me phyisically feel a bit better, but it coudn't mask the flood of suicidal thoughts and plans. It was at that point that I decided that my only option was to kill myself. I had thought about it earlier and came close to trying, but i figured at the time that suicide was illogical. I couldn't see how not existing anymore would erase the problems that could result in a painless existence.
But at this point this past spring, it got to the point where suicide was the only option left that I could think of. Among all the other things I tried, among all the therapies and medications etc., this was the only option left that I could think of.
But wait, as i sat thinking and thinking and thinking, i could just tell that there was something outhere. There had to be something greater than us humans. As i puffed away at my cigarettes outside, i'd often look at the plants and trees and think very hard about creation. There must have been a source of this. Before this tree there was a seed, that seed came from another tree which came from another tree and so on. Then I thought about everything else, space, planets, rocks, clouds, how did this all happen? What caused this? How did humans come to be?
I traced in my mind the pathway that lead back to the very beginning of the earth. I then figured that everything that exists, must have been created. It was completely illogical to think that all this, these galaxies, the millions of molecules in a single pin, to just accidentally occur. I knew that everything that exists must have come from something. Something could not come from nothing. I knew there was a power behind everything, a source. I then figured too that the things that we can't see; love, hatred, selfishness, greed, wisdom, hope, that they must have a source as well.
I then began to picture in my mind how evereything came to be. I figured that that thing that made the everything, was a kind of god, and that this god, according to logic and philosophy, had to be infinite. According to logic, order, hierarchy, etc, that the very centre, or at the very top of it all, and at the very beginning and end of everything, that thing had to be THE god.
From here i began to shape in my mind what the true god is. I figured that in order for love to exist that there would need to be a counter to love, hatred. I knew that at the top of everything bad was a 'god' and at the source of all good was a better god.
I then began to picture in my mind that these authorities were spiritual, and that virtues such as love and hope and lust, all had their roots in spirit. I began to shape a picture of what true love is and what that love, the true God, is. I'll continue in the second part.
But while i figured all this stuff, i couldn't make up my mind for sure. Sure there was love out there, there was hope, but how do you aquire this? This got me even more frustrated, which eventually lead me to make my decision: I was going to kill myself for sure. Part two coming up.
