I am going to share the story of my life in the hope that you will see that through difficulties God can bring us out to a good place.
As a Child
I grew up in the state of Tasmania, I remember fondly the younger years, playing as a Child on the beaches of Crayfish Creek where I grew up, before moving to the town of Smithton. Life was simple, playing Lego, and dressing in army fatigues and fighting unseen enemies in the paddocks around the house where we lived. I also remember getting my first computer an Atari and playing games when not trudging through the mud in the creeks and paddocks near home. I was introduced to faith at a very young age, in-fact it was taught through all of my early life. But I always feared that I would have to become some sort of witnessing machine, so never committed my life to God.
High School
Through my teenage years I became a very fearful and timid person, I did not like communicating and withdrew a lot into myself. People would sometimes ask me if I was a Christian, or if I sinned in one way or another. If asked if I was a Christian, I probably said “yes” but in my heart I was not. Asked about sin, I would always lie, and say “Oh, I would never do that”, but in action I did. In the last few years of High School, we moved to Queensland. I failed my last years of high school education because it was all too hard, and I was not good at studying. I was still dreadfully inward and would express myself through art and drawing. At this time, I played a lot on the computer, and it became my life, apart from the odd game of Monopoly with the family.
TAFE and Falling
Because I failed years 11 and 12 I went to TAFE to do art. It was during those two years that I actually took the first steps to becoming a Christian. One Saturday night I had a dream that if I did not give my life to Jesus I would end up in hell. So that following Sunday I went to church and gave my life to the LORD. This radically altered my direction in life, and I found myself praying regularly. One time I was so filled with a feeling of electricity that I felt I would burst. But this was short lived, I fancied a girl in the church, and she was very kind to me, so I thought she must like me. So, I wrote a poem and sent it to her. But she did not respond, and it appeared to me that she rejected me. I became very devastated because I had suffered a lot of rejection in my past. I blamed God and said, “If this is how you treat me, I don’t want to be a Christian”. In that moment I returned to an old sin. And for around 10 years felt like I had been rejected by God. I believed I was going to hell, and that I was totally forsaken. I was so angry with life that I even hit my mother once, when she tried to comfort me.
A Mixed Bag
My mother constantly asked me out to church, I would occasionally go. But many times, as I went out people would speak over my life the verse of scripture “I know the thoughts I think toward you say the LORD, thoughts to give you a future and a hope”. This became so frequent That I believe God was speaking to me through it. I began to believe I had hope. But often I would drop down into doubt, and think I was destined for hell. This made it hard to live. I worked odd jobs, mowing council lawns, and the like. It was hot, hard work, and often I would curse at the heat. I remember praying when passing a university and saying “God why can’t you just get me there, I hate my job”, it was a few years latter I took a Tertiary Preparation Course for Uni, and was accepted at the very University that I passed when I prayed that prayer.
A Mighty Cry
My parents moved back to Tasmania. So, I continued to study there doing a Bachelor of Computers. I would still fall into doubt, which caused me to drop into various sins, including Pornography. After my studies were completed, I moved back to Queensland. The LORD keep speaking the same verse about “a hope and a future”, So, I started to act like a Christian again. I began to seek God and try to bring people to church. God began to use me to get people to church and also spoke directly into my life. I tried to live a pure life. I hated the fact that the was so much pornography around me. I tried so hard to avoid it. One day I got so fed up with how much was in society that I did a crazy thing, and went down to the local sex shop, and trashed the joint, I did not hurt anyone, I just said “This should not be here”, and turned over the tables, and ripped up the magazines. This got me arrested and roughed up a bit by one of the police, so I spent the day in a cell. I went home on bail, feeling frustrated and emotionally distressed. When the police came to my home to interview me further, I lost the plot, and was sent to a mental institution. After many months I was released.
Desiring to Die
At this time I suffered another dating rejection, and it was so bad I wanted to commit suicide, but God remined me that I had hope. I found myself failing at life, everyone in the church seemed so happy, and I was a mess. One day I came home so frustrated, that I beat up a fan in the house. My mother, seeing my outburst sent me back to the mental institution, and again I wasted months locked up. My family began to treat me like I was a mental case, and to this day I feel its effects. I started to put on weight due to the medication, and hated the side effects, I would shake violently due to the medication. This made me hate mental institutions, and visits to doctors. It made me have more out bursts, and I would again end up in an Institution. Eventually I learned to keep my mouth shut. I returned to the community.
Meeting My Wife
At this time, I met my current wife, and dated. But the medication still affected me to the point I doubted my ability to be married. One of my first memories of dating was being pulled over by the police, and grilled about what I was doing, and had I taken my medication. You can imagine how this made me feel on a date and grilled about my mental health. But we did marry and so began family life. It was a real struggle in the beginning because we were two very different people, but as time went on we managed to deal with the difficulties.
Still Judged
I still found that people judged me around my mental health, knowing “I saw doctors”. One pastor made me feel terrible, after I shared a personal experience I had with God, they did not listen to what I meant but just assumed I must have been having “a moment”. Because of my past fear of hell, this troubled me for some time. But I got through it. But I felt like the church did not make room for me in any real outreach, so I started my own Facebook page where I would write Bible messages. Just encouraging ones, sometimes I would also share them on my personal Facebook page.
Finally at Rest
Over the years I gradually got stronger and stronger and did my best to forgive those who had hurt me. I found that my life improved as I gave it into God’s hands. I got a good job, which I love in computer programming, and my marriage life got better, and better. I give all credit to God. We can go through all sorts of difficulties in life, things that people will not understand, but God is there to heal and restore. Since this time, I have failed from time to time, but God has quickly picked me up again, and got my life back on track.
