A first date

[looksgood]

Ok I just thought I would say that I have never been in a relationship. I only come to this forum to learn from those who have gone before me. Cause I know that I will be in one some day. God has been dealing with me on relationships every since I told Him I was interested in one. So much so that I know I have a part in seeking and making it happen. I began working out because I want to offer the best to a wife (lost over 20 pounds and I keep on). I am dressing a bit more respectable (no more tennis shoes other than at work). And I have taken up a lot of responcability in my job and am at this time brining in $ to take care of my parents, my brother, and a guest or 2 that lives with us.

But with all this I don't know exactly how things are. I don't know what is expected in a first date. What do you talk about? How do you show you are interested in each other? What exactly is it that makes you both want a second date? And other than that, how should you feel towards each other on the first date? I mean, surely you don't fall head over heals on the first date, just by talking and becoming friends do you?

 

[E-beth]

hi looksgood!

First of all, I will tell you from experience that you usually find a relationship when you aren't looking for one. But I think it is cool that you are preparing yourself to be your best in a future relationship.

Do what you are doing because it improves your self confidence. But not because you think it would make you a better date or bf. A person who is meant fo ryou will like you for YOU, tennis shoes and all.

As for first dates, they generally are too nerve-wracking to be much fun. I mean, unless you are already friends with the person, you spend most of the date in an internal dialogue over everything you say and do, as well as what the other person is saying and doing. There are good first dates, where you eventually relax and want a second date so you can spend the WHOLE date having fun and not being nervous, and then there are bad first dates where you are too nervous or you realize that you don't really have much in common with the person. Each kind is good in its own way cause both types help you gain experience and help you with future dates.

I have heard of people falling in love on a first date---my mom and stepdad say they did---but usually a good relationship takes lots of time.

 

[looksgood]

Do what you are doing because it improves your self confidence. But not because you think it would make you a better date or bf. A person who is meant fo ryou will like you for YOU, tennis shoes and all.

Thanks for the reply, please keep posting. I am eating all this info up like candy lol. As for the reasons to improve myself I should mention that it is not only because I want to be my best for a wife. I found my worth before I began this all and that is what I count on as to what another should look for. The shoes were more of a change in my personality. When I discovered my worth I wanted to look the part lol. It makes me feel good to know that I look as well as I feel. And my body is another part of that looking how I feel.

I actualy would rather find someone before I look like a movie star lol. That way I could be sure they like me for me.

Please by all means tell me more though. I am just loving it.

 

[Jamida]

Kay ... first of all we need a picture of you!! lol Seriously, congrats on working at getting into shape and lookin' your best. But, I too second the motion that you make sure you're still YOU!!! My husband sure got me as ME!! (I was into sweatshirts and blue jeans - not a GAP lady by any means!! )

After that, first dates are what you make them to be. If you go into a first date wondering and hoping the girl is your future wife you'll probably suffocate yourself and not to mention her. Besides the fact you'll be a nervous wreck. I found the best way to first date was to group date. Not because you're irresponsible, but because they're more relaxing, less one on one pressure, and gives you a good chance to "preview" the subject before making a more intimate dating setting by a meal out, etc.

Assuming you like what you see, take her on a first date but BE CHILL!! Don't be planning how you're going to propose, just ask her questions about herself and be willing to share about yourself. A good Girl-getter is to communicate and be open, don't try to be cool or chic - it's annoying. (Well, unless the girl is shallow and materialistic and looking for a guy from GQ ). Be open with your relationship to Christ, 'cause a Godly woman is going to be looking and listening with sharpness and weighing your relationship to Christ more than your hair gel or shoe brand!!

I went on probably 3? blind dates. They're pretty wierd - but sometimes they work. The one guy I went with talked GOLF 100% of the time. Which brings me to my next point: If the girl gets a glazed look in her eyes and starts going into mock convulsions, you've overkilled the topic of "you" and forgotten the topic of "her". Everyone loves to talk, but not listen to someone yak on and on about themselves and their hobbies. If you find a hobby you both have in interest, the conversation with flow. Be sensitive, don't overkill or overwhelm.

My husband and I were friends first and then were freaked out to approach the topic of dating for fear we'd ruin the friendship. However, we were honest up front about it and agreed if one or the other was uncomfortable we'd never address it again. Well, obviously things worked out. But the main thing is honesty, transparency (within reason - I mean don't blurt out your biggest sins or trials on the third date!! Unless she asks of course ...) and prayer.

Let God be God. DOn't look too hard 'cause you'll probably miss her. I almost missed my husband 'cause I thought he was nothing like the guy I thought I'd marry or date. In fact, I specifically used him as an example when I prayed to the Lord about the type of guy I didn't want God to set me up with. Hmmm ... ... guess it goes to show that just when you've got it figured out you're sent for a swirly!!

Have fun!! Sorry to yak your ear off.

 

[looksgood]

After that, first dates are what you make them to be. If you go into a first date wondering and hoping the girl is your future wife you'll probably suffocate yourself and not to mention her. Besides the fact you'll be a nervous wreck. I found the best way to first date was to group date.

Well I always thought the first would be a good way to just find out if there could be a future. I mean if the girl acts discusted by the guy opening her door, or if he happens to offer her a rose and she looks like she doesn't want to touch it cause it came from his hand I would say 2nd date is off. But I think of the first as a get to know you kinda thing.

Assuming you like what you see, take her on a first date but BE CHILL!! Don't be planning how you're going to propose, just ask her questions about herself and be willing to share about yourself. A good Girl-getter is to communicate and be open, don't try to be cool or chic - it's annoying. (Well, unless the girl is shallow and materialistic and looking for a guy from GQ ). Be open with your relationship to Christ, 'cause a Godly woman is going to be looking and listening with sharpness and weighing your relationship to Christ more than your hair gel or shoe brand!!

LOL thats good cause that is what is most important to me. I actualy like to learn about others. Never been one to talk too much, maybe too little. But the questions I always thought to ask were about her walk with God. And I hoped that would be our common ground.

My husband and I were friends first and then were freaked out to approach the topic of dating for fear we'd ruin the friendship.

Well to tell the truth I am considering asking someone out. I haven't seen her in a long time so I thought to just ask her to dinner so we can talk and get to know each other. Not saying I am thinking marriage cause I know she may very well turn me down, but I would at least like to get to know her and find out if there may be some kinda future. We have bumped paths all our lives. You can read about it here http://www.christianforums.com/t78659

Let God be God. DOn't look too hard 'cause you'll probably miss her. I almost missed my husband 'cause I thought he was nothing like the guy I thought I'd marry or date.
Have fun!! Sorry to yak your ear off.

Thats one thing I have prayed about. Kinda like missing the forest for the trees. But I have opend myself to Gods choices. And don't worry bout yaking my ear off. I really am liking this.

 

[DaveKerwin]

here is what you should do.

Hang out, have fun, stop thinking so much.

If you enjoy each other's company, and you seem to be similar in person, then consider a second date. If you do not anything clicking or happening, then don't go on another date. Play it smart and guard your heart.

 

[Katty]

Let loose, be you, have fun. You can't go wrong with that.

~Katty~

 

[Erichero]

Hope you've asked God to help you show the one that He has planned for you... Just remember that there is a certain time for you to be single and just check with God that He doesn't still have some things he wants to do with you before you start dating.

Talking about looking smarter ... I'm with you all the way. Ok, we should be marrying each other for the person, but I still go with the idea that if I want to marry a princess, I've got to be a prince. And while you are still you, there are outward things that you can work on that just allow your girl to be more comfortable with you in public and feel more proud of you. Things like clothing (not brands, but being neat and presentable), manners, chivalry (being a gentleman), appearance (hair, deo, etc). And of course, being confident is a plus point.

 

[John the Engineer]

I was the same way! I changed the way I was to be more ready for a relationship. Stopped letting everything look like **** in my life. This is more of just a maturing, and to say you made the choice means that is you! People say you shouldn't change for a relationship, but if you make the choice to change then that is you. As long as you're happy (and let's face it, if you're like me you're happy to be working out and looking good) Heck, it feels good just to know you're getting the looks from the ladies! Anyone who tells me that's "not them" is really just ... eh nevermind

As for first dates, I've always had a weird history of relationships, but I finally had a normal one with my last relationship. I sort of blackmailed her with tutoring her in exchange for taking her out, she never talked to me again. Then after finals were over she did... at 8:00 at night over spring break. So we went out to dinner and it was nice, we just talked about the basics, what food we liked, what our parents did, what things we liked, etc.

Now over the first few dates we kept it just to "get to know eachother" That's really what dating is. You're just finding out who they are, and they're finding out who you are. It's really more of an interview when you think about it. Now the thing is you gotta gauge life all on what you can talk about. Don't avoid the serious topics, but don't draw to them either. My first date we talked about what I felt relationships were! We talked about how my business partner just got divorced and why I think it happened. Over the first few weeks we kept talking about relationships and what they meant, and the mistakes we had learned from. This is not "normal" perhaps, but we both had gotten out of painful relationships several months before and it felt good to discuss that and why we thought they failed.

The real issue is, like people said, be yourself. Stay relaxed, or as much as you can. Talk about what's comfortable and just get to know the person. You don't want to be going into a fifth or sixth date still unsure of who this woman you're spending time with really is. Maybe she doesn't talk about herself enough, maybe that bothers you, it does me for sure!

As for how you should feel? Still interested. You should still be going into the tenth date interested to learn more about what makes her happy, and by then maybe looking to make her happy. Basically you don't want to feel like you've heard enough, you know enough, and that spending time is only cause you've "invested" yourself in her. Relationships are meant to be exciting and fun. Yes, eventually there's being there for eachother in the dark and painful times, and then all the other stuff. But when you start dating someone you should be thinking about enjoying yourself, and what you can do to help her enjoy herself, and if you can do that on a regular basis, and possibly even... <gasp> for the rest of your life?

Hope this helps. Sorry for the long windedness.

 

[looksgood]

Nah it was a great post. Espectialy the part about still being interested.

 

[E-beth]

Ever had one of those first dates where the other person was so obviously trying too hard?

Once I went out with a friend of mine from church. We were friends and he asked me out to a movie and lunch. I said ok, since I knew him and I thought that we were friends and friends only. Anyway, he shows up all dressed up, like ina suit to go to a movie, took me to a bistro, where he handed me a rose and said something like," a rose for a blossoming beauty." or something like that. I seriously had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. I did not want to hurt his feelings, but he was so obvious. It was like he rehearsed it all and got it out of a book.

I like group dates too. Especially for first dates. Plus, if you are doing something, like miniature golf or bowling, then there aren't as many embarassing lulls in conversation.

Boy, this thread makes me glad I am done with all that dating junk. I gotta go smooch my hubby now.

 

[John the Engineer]

I recommend against group dates for first dates, just cause it's too easy to avoid the person, then, like I said before, you're not sure if you're actually interested in that person. Also it's too easy for the date to go south based on someone else.

My second date was a group date, and she got so bothered by the fact that the other girls in the group were there with their boyfriends, so a few comments were made about "the girlfriends" or things along those lines. (There were single guys, she was the only girl who wasn't a full girlfriend yet... er, yeah)

Just my two cents.