A Difficult Decision

[Sort-Of-Widower]

Well, at least for me.

My wife was diagnosed with MS around 17 years ago. She was OK for the first couple of years, but I moved
my office back home 15 years ago to take care of her. We were basically housebound for the first 10 years.

She had friends who would come over to visit and later had "helpers" who would come in every morning to get her out of bed, bathe and dress her. I made new friends by joining a local brew club which meets once a month.

After 13 years I was completely drained: mentally, emotionally and physically. Her brother came over to spot me off for a few weeks and I asked him to decide what we should do. I was too close to the situation to make a rational decision.

He decided she should go into assisted living. She has been there for a bit over 2 years now. I was devastated, especially when they took her hospital bed away. It left a big hole in our bedroom and in my heart. Still, I am glad her brother made that decision. She is being well taken care of and I had become unable to take care of her any longer.I couldn't have made that decision; I would have felt like I was abandoning her.

We had our 20th anniversary this year.

I sold our house last year. It was way too big for just me and it held too many bittersweet memories. I've been living in a motel trying to figure out what to do next.

So my "difficult decision" is how do I go on with my life? I'm getting close to semi-retirement and don't want to live around here much longer. I offered to move her to another assisted living facility near where I plan on moving, but she doesn't want to leave her friends and family.

We talk on the phone every night, but I only see her for around an hour every Sunday.

Am I wrong in moving away from her and starting a new life?

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

 

[“Paisios”]

Well, at least for me.

My wife was diagnosed with MS around 17 years ago. She was OK for the first couple of years, but I moved
my office back home 15 years ago to take care of her. We were basically housebound for the first 10 years.

She had friends who would come over to visit and later had "helpers" who would come in every morning to get her out of bed, bathe and dress her. I made new friends by joining a local brew club which meets once a month.

After 13 years I was completely drained: mentally, emotionally and physically. Her brother came over to spot me off for a few weeks and I asked him to decide what we should do. I was too close to the situation to make a rational decision.

He decided she should go into assisted living. She has been there for a bit over 2 years now. I was devastated, especially when they took her hospital bed away. It left a big hole in our bedroom and in my heart. Still, I am glad her brother made that decision. She is being well taken care of and I had become unable to take care of her any longer.I couldn't have made that decision; I would have felt like I was abandoning her.

We had our 20th anniversary this year.

I sold our house last year. It was way too big for just me and it held too many bittersweet memories. I've been living in a motel trying to figure out what to do next.

So my "difficult decision" is how do I go on with my life? I'm getting close to semi-retirement and don't want to live around here much longer. I offered to move her to another assisted living facility near where I plan on moving, but she doesn't want to leave her friends and family.

We talk on the phone every night, but I only see her for around an hour every Sunday.

Am I wrong in moving away from her and starting a new life?

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

I don’t have advice, but my heart goes out to you. I hope that I never have to make such decisions. Praying for you.

 

[bèlla]

I am sorry to hear this. It can't be easy. I don't feel comfortable advising you. I met a gentleman last year in a similar situation. His wife has cancer. They make long road trips to the Mayo Clinic. She's still at home. He has a similar challenge. I listened and encouraged him. And prayed as well. I don't know what starting a new life involves. But I pray you are guided by the Lord in your decisions.

 

[SpiritSong]

I'd advise that you take a short trip to where you plan on moving to. As a tourist, not to live there. I'd suggest you stay for a month or so, if you can afford it. See how it feels to be away. When you return, see how she dealt with it, how she feels about it. Is the place close enough to where she is that you could commute back there once a month or so to see her? I cannot advise you upon your final decision(s) concerning all this, but a short trial like this might give you some answers. Blessings and prayers!

 

[Sort-Of-Widower]

I'd advise that you take a short trip to where you plan on moving to. As a tourist, not to live there. I'd suggest you stay for a month or so, if you can afford it. See how it feels to be away. When you return, see how she dealt with it, how she feels about it. Is the place close enough to where she is that you could commute back there once a month or so to see her? I cannot advise you upon your final decision(s) concerning all this, but a short trial like this might give you some answers. Blessings and prayers!

Thank you SpiritSong for your practical advice.

I am planning on doing something similar; going to visit the new area (Savannah) later on this year. Can't afford a long stay at this point. Maybe a week or so and see how she feels about it when I return.

 

[blackribbon]

How do you start a new life point? She is still alive and your wife.

I do believe that you need to find things in your life to make you feel alive and social but I don't know that moving away from your wife while she is still alive is the answer. You will still grieve when she dies. You can't force that to hurry that up by calling yourself a "sort of" widower now. You are still a husband who likely will be widowed soon enough. She still needs you even if you can't give her 24 hour care.

 

[mnphysicist]

My late wife had MS as well, and I did the solo caregiver thing... so I mirror the drained bit, bearing in mind each situation is unique. The thing is, the drain of caregiver fatigue, at least in my case was nothing like the crash and burn that occurred when she passed. (And yes, we knew it was coming, even back in our 6th yr of marriage she said she wasn't sure she'd make another year, and yet we did 21!)

I did the solo caregiving up until the last 4 days when she was in the hospital... and thus I didn't have reserve capacity to deal with much more than the immediate in front of me, much less make any major decisions. It took three years to be truly comfortable clearing out her stuff, where as in your situation, you've already made peace with selling the home you shared.... plus with assisted living you only see each other on weekends... which I guess is why you are pondering the "how do I go on with my life" thing.

The thing is, you two are married. Moving, even if she were to encourage it, is likely to take a pretty heavy mental toll on her, perhaps making her medical situation even worse. In addition, grief is going to happen when she passes and it WILL take time to process... and if you have tried to move on with your life before hand, it could likely be a lot more complex, and could take a lot longer.

Pragmatically, if you were to move:
Can you be at her side in a few hours or less, and be prepared to be nearly continually with her during her last days?
Having close friends and relatives, or even her friends and relatives near by is pretty important when she passes and for a significant time thereafter. New friends are unlikely to be as helpful, and some might raise eyebrows...

I think back to my younger days when my boss divorced his wife, and married another some years later, after his first wife got some type of brain disease and could no longer recognize him, or their kids... At the time I was thinking, wow, that has to be really hard, but at the same time, I found myself looking sideways wrt marriage vows.

Well after so many years of caregiving, I can't fault anyone for doing what they themselves have to do to survive, much less thrive... but until someone has walked that path, or been faced with hard choices, its a whole lot easier to look down on folks who chose a path that appeared to them to be the only way possible to survive.

 

[blackribbon]

I am not looking down on him...I am more saying don't miss this time with her while she is still here. I guess I am looking through my own lenses but I'd give anything to to have my husband back here again...even only for a few days...and even it if involved carrying around those heavy bags of medical records and pushing that wheelchair...and sitting with him in bed or another hospital waiting room for hours and hours. I thought I was prepared for his death even while we were fighting for his life but when he did die, it was nothing like I expected to feel. Ten years later, he is still part of my mind. I moved to a new state after he died. I don't think most people in my life know I am single or widowed. Many probably assume I am divorced. I have a new career and degree. I have dated. I have been forced to build a new life alone for me and our kids. For now, build your life without leaving hers. You can move without moving away. You are lucky to still have her in your life. This is the "better or worse" part of those vows...

Someday, it is likely that we will hit that time when we become relatively helpless and dependent on someone else. Is that when you want those you love to walk out and leave you alone? I work in a hospital and see way too many people who are completely alone in their lives even when they do have family.