A Deep Struggle (triggers)

[The4Rs]

I have posted here before, last time being March. I have been involved in a group therapy program for survivors of sexual abuse. We have been working in this really great book "shelter from the storm: Hope for survivors of sexual abuse". I am sad b/c the group will be ending soon and I don't know where to go next.

I am currently 7 mths pregnant, my marriage seems to be crumbling, I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD. When I was 6 yo I was gang raped and after that sexualy abused once by my step dad and beaten for years as well. Something else has happened to me prior to the rape but I can not see the face of my assailant.

I have a new trigger now and it is my bed and bed room. I get sick when I am in bed at night. I have been having nightmares. I can not seem to get solid sleep and it is affecting the way I am functioning in life.

I have no sense of trust of anyone and am struggling with my trust of God. I am so scared all the time that I am going to really mess up and fall away. I have buried my emotions for years (30 plus) and now they spring up all over the place. I feel like they are going to destroy me. I know that God is Love and he loves me and is with me but I have such a hard time trusting him and myself to get through this. God keeps telling me to "eat". I constantly have dreams about needing to eat but I am not. I don't quite understand that.

My borderline is causing me much distress. I have scratched my arms up and I pull my hair when I am terrified of being seperated from God. I feel like I really am not going to make it through this "desert". I am terrified. I weep and my pitifulness. I feel very alone.

My husband avoids talking about this, my mother lies to me and says that I just need to learn to live unhealed, my father avoids me as well and none of my friends can understand b/c they come from normal lives.

I am in counseling with my pastor as well as the therapy group. I don't feel like I am making any progress what so ever. I can not make sense of anything and everything seems dark. I feel like I am sinning right now writing all of this. I can not seem to shake the guilt and shame. Learning to trust almost seems impossible to me.

Anyway, thanks for letting me chat. Hope everyone is doing well in their journey.

Much Love!

 

[madison1101]

It sounds like you are really doing some very hard work in dealing with your childhood abuses, and addressing your borderline issues. I have been in therapy for 20 years with the same therapist for my borderline issues. There is hope. I strongly recommend that you seek a licensed psychotherapist who has a strong background with borderline personality disorder. My therapist is a man, so I am working on my "Daddy" issues, which are tied into my abandonment and my sexual abuse as a teen.

I strongly urge you to seek out an older, mature woman at church as a mentor. Working closely with my mentor, in addition to my therapy, I have done amazing healing in the past 13 years of my life. Your pastor can only go so far with you in Pastoral Counseling. You really need a licensed therapist who has worked with borderlines.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk.

Trish

 

[Criada]

My dear sister... I can relate to so much of your post and your feelings.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, certainly not writing about your feelings! That is an important step in healing.. we can't deal with things that we are burying and not talking about.
I agree with Madison, it would be good if you could find someone qualified to help with your specific issues.

Your dreams about eating bring to mind the scriptures about feeding on the word of God. I have some cards with scripture verses about who God says I am, which I use to remind myself when He seems far away and i feel hopeless. I don't know whether that would help... I have a list somewhere I can send you, though there are probably different ones which are meaningful for you.

Just... be gentle with yourself, sweetie, and give yourself time. You have a lot to work through, and it won't happen overnight.
But it *will* happen.

Praying for you, sister.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

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[Johnnz]

Abuse issues are complex. I can take a well experienced and knowledgeable person to walk you through some changes. Your life was one of hurtful relationships, broken trust, lack of personal security and safety, probably unspeakable fear at times and both physical and emotional pain. That's a lot to unpack and resolve.

John
NZ