A Dating Dilema

[pecan]

Here's my story:
In just a few weeks I will be going to Belfast, Northern Ireland as a missionary for one year, which I have been planning on and working towards for over a year. The missions board I am going under has a rule that their first-year missionaries are not allowed to have any "exclusive relationships" with the opposite sex.
Just a few months ago this rule was of no concern to me, but then I met a guy online in a christian chat room, and something just clicked with us. We've been chatting nearly every night for a couple of hours since we met, and have had phone calls and letters. I told him about the "no dating" rule early on, and we both made the effort to "just be friends", but it is obvious what we feel for each other goes way beyond that.
We still refuse to call each other girlfriend/boyfriend, and we have agreed to wait at least a few months to meet. My dilema is that I wonder if I should tell my missions board about him? I wouldn't right now, but he plans to visit me in Belfast after I've been there for half of my one year, and I'm sure that after that there would be no point in denying that we're "dating". So do I tell the board about him coming to visit and all that it entails? Or would it be better to just let things go? I don't think I'll be continuing with missions after the one year, so I won't be having an on-going relationship with the board.
:confused :

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Well, Anakin Skywalker was forbidden to love, but he did anyway, and eventually became Darth Vader.

Seriously though, did the board give you an accurate description of what consider an exclusive relationship? Maybe you should get some clarification and detail from the board on exactly what's expected of you, then maybe you can make a better descision based on that new information.

If somebody comes to visit you once in a year, it could be argued that it isn't an exclusive relationship. Maybe they just don't want you hooking up with somebody in Ireland.

 

[ZiSunka]

and all that it entails

Clearly, it's more than a friendly relationship. Clearly you are having romantic ideas and feelings for this guy.

I think you need to be honest with your missions board at all times. Hiding something from the people sending you out to do the Lord's work is always wrong. Your desire to keep secret a forbidden romance is the first sign that this relationship might have been sent to trip you up in your mission work, the first temptation to get you to do what you know is wrong when you should be working your heart out for Christ. If God sends you someone, it is at the right time, not at the right time to interfere with His plans for you.

I'm worried for you that you want to hide something from them. Be honest and tell them that you have started this internet romance. They have every right to know.

 

[hotknikkels]

Okay, my advice is yes, you should tell the missions board about him and your feelings for him. Be honest. If not, you should not go on a missions trip! I know that can be hard at first, but it will save a lot of mess in the future. As a missionary, your character is the first thing that people you are trying to reach will look at. If you don't tell the mission's board, and they found it, that could compromise your character, especially if they find out from someone else and if that other person may twist the situation, if you know what I mean?

Also, if you are serious about the missions trip, I think for the moment you should inform this guy that you need a break from him so you can concentrate on the mission trip.

The reason for the mission board saying that you should not get involved in any boyfriend/girlfriend relationships is that could distract you from the mission you are on. They are not trying to be spoil sports but they are just looking after you and the rest of the guys on the mission.

I think that if you guys are meant to be, then you can survive waiting a year to get to each other! I hope that helps!!!

 

[Xingyi Warrior]

...and I agree pretty much with all of you. But I am rather confused about the rules that you explained. Could you also, if you don't mind, provide me the name of the mission association that you work for? It is for informational purposes only I assure you. So does the organization only contract single missionaries? Are you dissqualified if you currently have a relationship? It always amazes me that organizations such as these make up rules that fight against nature. And let me tell you when its man vs nature - nature always wins. It reminds me of a particular Christian college that I used to be familiar with that had a non fraternization policy among students in its work study program. Well when you put young, available people together in close proximity - you get the point. Its fighting nature. Kind of like placing you in a 125 degree room with a pitcher of water and telling you not to drink it. But alas YOU signed the contract and if you believe that it is God's will for you to be there then OBEY the rules no matter how counterbehavioral they may seem. If the relationship seems to be gaining prominence in your life then you may need to sit down and reevaluate whats important to you. Just because a person is in a ministry of some sort does not always mean that is whats best for them or even in God's will. I've known numerous people who got so wrapped up in their work in a ministry that they let their family fall apart. Its all about prioritizing and whats important to you.

 

[pecan]

The missions organization i'm going with is Elim Fellowship, and it's very small. It's part of the Bible college I attended.
And actually, I signed the contract, and THEN they told me their "no dating" policy. It's only for the first year on the mission field, and I understand their concern that it would interfere with the ministry.
I have to disagree with those who said that this relationship must have been sent to trip me up. I totally believe God has His hand in this, and the guy I'm talking to is more of a help than a hindrance. I have had a lot of frustrations in preparing for this trip, and have often been ready to give up, but he has encouraged me the whole way. He says he refuses to let me give up on it, because he fully believes that I'm doing what God wants me to do, and he definitely doesn't want to be in the way.
And just as an update, if anyone comes back to this........we've decided to chill a bit for the year, but we will still write each other, and call sometimes. And he won't visit until just before i come home. I think we've made the right decisions, no matter what anyone else may think.

 

[Xingyi Warrior]

It seems like you have a very good plan. Dont be too put off by the people who told you it was placed in your path to trip you up. We humans trip up all the time and its not always the bad guy (satans) fault. I'm not labeling anyone because I dont know anyone personally enough, but some people are of the opinion that if it has to do with the ministry then it has to be right. God gave you a free will. If he didn't then none of us would be in this mess and we'd still all be frollicking in the Garden of Eden. You are ulimately in charge of your life. The decisions you make you will have to live with one way or the other. Try to make the right ones but if you slip up - not the end of the world (in most cases). In my opinion, if it is truly the Lord's will that you develop a relationship with this guy then it will happen. If it doesn't work out then judt pick up and move on - he's probably got something better in store. If it doesn't though please don't blame the ministry you work for as that could lead to a bitterness that actually will become a stumbling block to you. It is kind of raw though that they wern't up front with you about the policy.

 

[hotknikkels]

Basically like I said before - if the missions trip has a no-dating policy - I think that is a good thing. The reason why I say that is because with that factor not there - you can concentrate on God's work and plans for that period for time. Normally, this is in place regarding people on missions should not date each other - this helps and is a very sensible idea. It does not mean that if you were already dating, you should break up! But it does mean that it would mean that you should spend more time apart. That time apart will be a time when you can build into the person - man or woman of God that He intended you to be and a better husband/wife in the future!

My friend is moving back to America with his family next month and he will be attending a Christian boarding school. They have just revised their rules and one of the changes made is that students are not allowed to listen to music. At first the rule stated that they could only listen to music that was not against God, now students cannot listen to personal music whatsoever. My friend is really freaked out by this. He is in a band, and part of his life is music. He has already signed the contract to attend this school and it is one of the best schools in his state. So what should he do?

 

[Xingyi Warrior]

My friend is moving back to America with his family next month and he will be attending a Christian boarding school. They have just revised their rules and one of the changes made is that students are not allowed to listen to music. At first the rule stated that they could only listen to music that was not against God, now students cannot listen to personal music whatsoever. My friend is really freaked out by this. He is in a band, and part of his life is music. He has already signed the contract to attend this school and it is one of the best schools in his state. So what should he do?

- hotnikkels


In my personal opinion he should be wary. The dating policy is questionable but on the level and, with some reservation, in the best intersets of all parties considering the circumstances. I would have to say the music issue, however, crosses the line of personal infringement. There still exists that nasty facet of Christianity that occasionally rears its ugly head from time to time - the CULT. No I'm not labling the organization in question as such because I don't have enough information about it at this time. All I'm saying is that your friend should do lots of reading in the Word, praying and taking a closer look at what he is about to embark upon. I have encountered cultic behavior in many well meaning churches I have attended. One common feature of this behavior is that the perpetrators seek to assert a considerable amount of control over another person. Sometimes this has been masked in the form of "discipleship" and "mentoring". The mentors start out all warm and fuzzy then gradually began creating ever increasingly iron-handed rules that eventually turn their victims into paranoid zombies. THats an extrem eexample that isn't too common but you get the point. If I were him, I would simply inquire as to the organization's phylosophical/theological arguements as to why the policy exists. If they are genuinly committed to the Lord's work then they should be completely open as to why the requirement is in place and be able to provide plausible supporting reasoning. If they are not or cannot logically support it, I would sever any ties with that organization and anyone theirin. Also if your friend begins to research the policy he may find some goofy unsubstatiated reasoning behind it that is based on nothing more than some missguided believer(s) acute paranoia. In either case of the latter examples, I would get away quickly.

 

[ZiSunka]

You know, over the weekend, I met a couple who had met on the mission field, dated and got married even though their mission board had a rule against it. They said they wished they had followed the rules for a couple reasons: 1. On the mission field, you feel lonely and homesick at first, and you want to fill that with a special relationship, but because there aren't that many eligible people, you might take the first guy/girl that comes along, or choose someone else who would otherwise be less than ideal for you. 2. They spent so much time and energy on dating and falling in love that they didn't give the right amount of attention to the actual work of the mission, and fell short of their goals. 3. It gave the youth group that they worked with the inappropriate idea that dating is the point of going off to missions. The wife said one of her biggest discussions was with the girls thinking that she had come to the mission to find a husband, and not to serve them and God.

They both said that although they love each other and are committed to the marriage, under other circumstances, they would not have chosen each other as life partners because they just don't really have the same joys and goals. He went to the mission field as a gap year between college and graduate school, but she had intended to stay on the mission field for life. They are having trouble reconciling those two things. Also, her personality is bubbly and gregarious, but his is studious and interspective. She likes to socialize and he likes to stay home. If they had not been isolated on the mission field, they would have cared a lot more about that. She also said that he was a lot more attractive to her when he was living solely for God than when they came home and he was living solely for work. The mission field was just not the right place to really learn about how someone will be in real life.

So, advice from people who had been there. Take it for whatever you think it's worth.

 

[hotknikkels]

lambslove - the 3 reasons you stated for the reasons why they wished they had done otherwise are the same reasons I would use to advise someone not to disobey the missions boards rules. Basically you are not just disobeying them, but God too!

 

[Bedwyr]

Basically like I said before - if the missions trip has a no-dating policy - I think that is a good thing. The reason why I say that is because with that factor not there - you can concentrate on God's work and plans for that period for time. Normally, this is in place regarding people on missions should not date each other - this helps and is a very sensible idea. It does not mean that if you were already dating, you should break up! But it does mean that it would mean that you should spend more time apart. That time apart will be a time when you can build into the person - man or woman of God that He intended you to be and a better husband/wife in the future!

My friend is moving back to America with his family next month and he will be attending a Christian boarding school. They have just revised their rules and one of the changes made is that students are not allowed to listen to music. At first the rule stated that they could only listen to music that was not against God, now students cannot listen to personal music whatsoever. My friend is really freaked out by this. He is in a band, and part of his life is music. He has already signed the contract to attend this school and it is one of the best schools in his state. So what should he do?

Petition the rule change. Work quietly within the "chain of command" as it were to effect a rescindance of the rule. Don't get loud; work with the people to understand the reason for the rule and negotiate a solution.

If all fails, maybe it's best to not attend the school. It's not the end of one's life to not attend. There are other schools.

Above all, don't get loud. Grandstanding and posturing only hurt relationships and aren't the greatest way to honor God.

Oh, and I also think they don't have a theological leg to stand on; this does sound pretty extreme. But don't get loud. Get my point?

 

[pecan]

You know, over the weekend, I met a couple who had met on the mission field, dated and got married even though their mission board had a rule against it. They said they wished they had followed the rules for a couple reasons: 1. On the mission field, you feel lonely and homesick at first, and you want to fill that with a special relationship, but because there aren't that many eligible people, you might take the first guy/girl that comes along, or choose someone else who would otherwise be less than ideal for you. 2. They spent so much time and energy on dating and falling in love that they didn't give the right amount of attention to the actual work of the mission, and fell short of their goals. 3. It gave the youth group that they worked with the inappropriate idea that dating is the point of going off to missions. The wife said one of her biggest discussions was with the girls thinking that she had come to the mission to find a husband, and not to serve them and God.

They both said that although they love each other and are committed to the marriage, under other circumstances, they would not have chosen each other as life partners because they just don't really have the same joys and goals. He went to the mission field as a gap year between college and graduate school, but she had intended to stay on the mission field for life. They are having trouble reconciling those two things. Also, her personality is bubbly and gregarious, but his is studious and interspective. She likes to socialize and he likes to stay home. If they had not been isolated on the mission field, they would have cared a lot more about that. She also said that he was a lot more attractive to her when he was living solely for God than when they came home and he was living solely for work. The mission field was just not the right place to really learn about how someone will be in real life.

So, advice from people who had been there. Take it for whatever you think it's worth.

There is a huge difference between this couples situation and mine though. This guy is not going to be on the field with me, and we will only be writing letters and talking on the phone.
We have also already talked a lot about the things we want from life, our goals and dreams, and we have discussed our personalities and what we like to do for fun........and we agree. There are some differences yes, but nothing major. We are not together now, so we aren't distracted by physical attraction or even loneliness.......that doesn't apply to us. However, I understand your warning. I just don't think that particular one applies to me.

 

[hotknikkels]

Petition the rule change. Work quietly within the "chain of command" as it were to effect a rescindance of the rule. Don't get loud; work with the people to understand the reason for the rule and negotiate a solution.

If all fails, maybe it's best to not attend the school. It's not the end of one's life to not attend. There are other schools.

Above all, don't get loud. Grandstanding and posturing only hurt relationships and aren't the greatest way to honor God.

Oh, and I also think they don't have a theological leg to stand on; this does sound pretty extreme. But don't get loud. Get my point?

Yeh - I see what you are saying. I was tempted, as was his father, to write a letter explaining how they were basically going against the teaching of the Bible. My mate has decided to live with it for the time being and he is going to stay at his aunties over the weekend and listen to as much music as possible.

Personally I think that is one stupid rule, but hey!!!

 

[ZiSunka]

There is a huge difference between this couples situation and mine though. This guy is not going to be on the field with me, and we will only be writing letters and talking on the phone.
We have also already talked a lot about the things we want from life, our goals and dreams, and we have discussed our personalities and what we like to do for fun........and we agree. There are some differences yes, but nothing major. We are not together now, so we aren't distracted by physical attraction or even loneliness.......that doesn't apply to us. However, I understand your warning. I just don't think that particular one applies to me.

So then being honest with your mission board shouldn't be a problem, and waiting the one year waiting period should be okay, too.

What was your question again?

 

[hotknikkels]

i agree!!!! That is my point about before!!!

 

[pecan]

LOL.....I understand your confusion.......I think I was just as confused, but I think we've worked things out. My original question was whether or not I should tell my missions board about him because he was planning to visit me after about six months. I wondered if I needed to tell them about this guy I'm interested in because we've been talking a lot and are obviously interested in more than friendship.

But since then I have done a lot of talking with him, and we've decided we need to cool off a bit, and start behaving more like friends. He will still write to me, and we will still talk on the phone sometimes, but we will not talk as often as we have been and he won't visit me until more like ten months into my year overseas.
I know some of you still may not agree with me letting him visit, but that's my decision, and I feel comfortable with it. I have also decided not to tell my missions board about him, which you will also disagree with, but I just don't feel it's neccessary at this point. If we're only behaving as friends (though "friends with potential") I don't think they would be concerned. It would just be borrowing trouble and more stress.

 

[ZiSunka]

Hey, having a friend visit is a-okay. Not telling your mission board is not okay. It will take ten seconds to tell them, and if he is really just a friend, they won't have any problem with letting him visit. Most mission boards require notification of every personal visitor, no matter who it is. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Well, if the deal is as you described, and you would consider yourself as "dating" this guy, I would say that you need to say something about it because you would be violating your agreement with the mission board.
You made this decision. If you aren't capable of sticking to your decision, you should have thought of that before you chose this course of action.

Conversely, if this guy wanted to exercise some integrity, he would choose to not jeopardize your position with the mission board.

You have a decision to make and you need to make it soon. Do you want to be a missionary, or do you want a boyfriend? I recommend you keep your word.

 

[hotknikkels]

Yeh - I agree with the Cheese!

Do you want to be a missionary, or do you want a boyfriend? Good question!