A Curiosity.

[Jesusfann777888]

Overtime, I've developed a strong dislike, and even hatred for snappy people who think they know everything, who are difficult to talk to, and want to show off how smart they are. As you age, you realize it's kind of pointless to argue for the reasoning and motivations that are a part of arguing.

I can remember watching two people arguing at one point in my life, who were both wrong, and it made me realize arguing isn't about what's right, it's about who feels their right.

My question is, how do you make sure to look for the right kind of people in life. I'm not saying the right kind of people have to be perfect, but I'm saying they at least have to be sociable and approachable. I don't find that in people I've been meeting lately. as far as the hate, I think if I expierience some good people, I'll feel better, and I can then at least to a degree try to talk to difficult people. What do other people Think and what does The Bible say?

 

[TzephanYahu]

Hi @Jesusfann777888

I think I understand what you mean.

I also don't have time for that certain type of person who knows everything either. Even though they might talk of humility and that they are still growing in Messiah, their words and actions show they think differently.

My question is, how do you make sure to look for the right kind of people in life.

This is a tough question.

I guess I detect a harmomy or dissonance from a character in the subtly of their words. How they speak, what they say and what they do not say. Words betray the heart, as much as people try and watch them carefully.

When someone posts a thread in here or replies to one of mine, I weigh their words carefully to see if I should respond. Sometimes their character and motive shows that they are a "know-it-all" or ignorant. So I avoid interaction with them, as it rarely leads anywhere positive. As much as they may try to provoke me to respond, if I foresee it leading to negativity, I walk by, as it were.

So the Bible says you will know people by their fruit. On a forum, the only fruit we can weigh are words. But in person, consider that person's "presence" and way, who respects them and what friends they have. If you feel deep in your gut that they may wind you up, follow your instinct.

Only in all these things be prepared to be proved wrong, in case you have made an incorrect assessment. Always be open to recieve, listen and help others - whoever they are. This will require patience and controlled toleration at times. However, this is far different to continuing on with them - if that makes any sense!

I don't know, perhaps I made the made more confusing!

Peace.

 

[bèlla]

I have a great distaste for argument. It rarely solves anything and cooler heads are best. I noticed a pattern a few years ago in my relationships. Disagreement has a stopping point. But it requires commitment.

• 1 argument in a friendship over 25 years
• 4 arguments in a friendship nearing 20
  
• 2 arguments in a connection nearly 18
• 2 arguments in a connection nearing 17

I'm uncertain if this holds true in their other relationships. But we don't have knock down drag outs and I don't do the same with my companions. That's a no-fly zone and I'm adamant from the start.

In my experience, argumentative types fall in three categories:

• Dysfunctional upbringing. Fighting was the norm or abuse occurred.
  
• Uncontrolled anger. Step on their toes or disagree and they explode.
• Insecurity. Lots of knee jerk reactions to minor things. They're longing for love and acceptance and view disagreement as rejection.

The bible instructs us to love our neighbors. We'll encounter people whose brokenness rubs us wrong or wounds us. Some people don't know how to be healthy. They'll never have 'normal' relationships.

Temperament is key. When you interact with people who enjoy arguing you need thick skin. They'll inevitably say something offensive. Not taking it personal and telling them off requires a degree of indifference. You can't validate it. Once you do you'll have a wrestling match.

You have to be honest about your own makeup. Your brokenness, sensitivity, etc. Don't forge connections with people who step on your landmines. Awareness enables you to see when you're hitting theirs too.

Some bonds require massive forgiveness and turning the other cheek. You'll endure a lot of blows until they feel safe. That's a lengthy process. I've walked it with two of the four I cited. You need a lot of love and patience. You can't stay the course without it.

Everyone you encounter is in a different place on the healing scale. Some are more intentional and further along and others are getting started. Everyone has places of brokenness. How they affect us and others differs. Some project, internalize, or do a combination of the two.

The bible tells us to bear with those who are weaker. You may have greater control of your emotions than others. Avoiding fisticuffs and ending the conversation is better than trading barbs. Sometimes tough love is necessary. That may require a period of silence or separation to right the ship. I employ both.

I believe we attract what we are. Our personalities draw like-minded company and others who aspire to be the same. We usually get along with those most like us. Conflicts often come from differences.

When I meet someone I do a needs assessment. I listen to them carefully and let the conversation flow organically. I pay attention to their topics of discussion, emotional expression, and disclosures. I'm gauging their wants and expectations. It's revealed in their discourse.

I determine compatibility, life outlook, and mindset initially. I look for complements in these areas. If present, I consider relational expectations. What measure of support are they desiring? How much contact do they prefer? What about their other connections?

Most incompatibilities and personality differences show up there. When you allow a person to talk and share their life and experiences you'll see what you're getting into. What they disclose and don't discuss is equally important.

If you're looking for easy going people with pleasant temperaments it will come out in their discourse. They'll put you at ease, heighten your mood, and so on. You'll notice the energy immediately.

Those who love debate and verbal challenges have a different energy. More electric, confrontational, and some friction. They're not afraid to mix it up. If that isn't your thing it's avoidable. Just listen to them talk.

You may find you can tolerate different temperaments in short doses. Don't make them your bff and you'll be fine.

~bella