A Confession and a plea for mercy.

[Pilgrim1951]

Can I talk to some of you folks in here who have “been there-done that’? My husband has been dead for a little over 3 months. I don’t want to re-hash my tale of woe, I just want to try to understand some things. Everybody around me says, “You’re doing so well!” The truth is I’m not doing well at all. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer and told 6 months was the average life expectancy with the type and stage of cancer he had (he lasted 10 weeks) , I handled it. When I had to take care of our horses, our home, his construction management business, and be his caregiver – I didn’t think I could, but I handled it. When the creditors started circling and I was dealing with mammoth financial problems-both personal and business – while the cancer was spreading to his brain and each day he became more demented - I handled it. Before his mind totally went he turned his back on his daughter and I emotionally and wouldn’t talk to us about anything but the business or his physical needs, when he was hateful almost constantly to me for weeks and only spoke to me when he needed something, when he would pull his hand away when I would try to hold it, or shrug my off my hand when I would attempt to touch him, I didn’t think I could bare it, but I did. When the only time he held me was when he held onto me as I held him and rocked him and sang to him and prayed for him when he was dying and terrified, and gasping for breath, I thought my heart would break for both of us –but I got through it. I planned his memorial service and sent thank you cards to all those who helped out with food and with the service, etc. My daughter went a totally different direction with her career plans and life and basically, abandoned me- even though I knew for her own survival she had to do that because I was leaning so hard on her emotionally and she was trying to deal with her own unresolved issues with her dad. I was able to get a part time job and put our house and property up for sale. I have no assets – just a little equity in my house and a lot of debt –credit cards- medical bills- and business related stuff. There was an ongoing law suit with a home builder which now has become a possible battle in probate court for my house. I have moved into an apartment and am making almost daily trips to the house to pack up and throw away and sort 28 years of accumulated treasures/junk/memories. Every trip means another crying jag and fatigue. I am attempting to get a full-time job (which I am not convinced I will be able to handle emotionally and mentally). I have had 5 interviews with a company over a period of almost a month to determine whether I should get the job or not. AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to run away, live in a cave, die, scream and cry for hours on end destroy and mutilate anything that gets in my path, and have just one person tell me it’s ok. That I’m not a murderer because of the many times I wanted my husband to die, just so some of the pain and pressure would stop. That it’s ok for me to grieve and be sad and not smiling every Sunday at church. Suddenly, all my fears have come back on me. I don’t want to be around a lot of people. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I fly off the handle or into a rage for seemingly small reasons. I feel like I may just totally fall apart at any moment, but I can’t- I have to continue to live, pay the bills, go to court, work a new job. I’m so afraid and I feel so alone I just think I might go crazy, but I have so much guilt it’s ridiculous. My best friend doesn’t understand why I need to cry so much and I have only cried around her a couple of times since my husband died. I think people are expecting me to be better by now, but I feel like I am just starting to deal with the grief – but I don’t have time – I have too many responsibilities. I’m ashamed of myself and feel like a total failure to God and everyone else. I’m afraid I am going to fall apart and then what will happen? I apologize for this complete outbreak of fear and self-pity, but it is real. Thanks for listening and I know that God still loves me. His love and mercy and the prayers of many of my brothers and sisters in Him have held me up this far. Pilgrim

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Can I talk to some of you folks in here who have “been there-done that’? My husband has been dead for a little over 3 months. I don’t want to re-hash my tale of woe, I just want to try to understand some things. Everybody around me says, “You’re doing so well!” The truth is I’m not doing well at all. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer and told 6 months was the average life expectancy with the type and stage of cancer he had (he lasted 10 weeks) , I handled it. When I had to take care of our horses, our home, his construction management business, and be his caregiver – I didn’t think I could, but I handled it. When the creditors started circling and I was dealing with mammoth financial problems-both personal and business – while the cancer was spreading to his brain and each day he became more demented - I handled it. Before his mind totally went he turned his back on his daughter and I emotionally and wouldn’t talk to us about anything but the business or his physical needs, when he was hateful almost constantly to me for weeks and only spoke to me when he needed something, when he would pull his hand away when I would try to hold it, or shrug my off my hand when I would attempt to touch him, I didn’t think I could bare it, but I did. When the only time he held me was when he held onto me as I held him and rocked him and sang to him and prayed for him when he was dying and terrified, and gasping for breath, I thought my heart would break for both of us –but I got through it. I planned his memorial service and sent thank you cards to all those who helped out with food and with the service, etc. My daughter went a totally different direction with her career plans and life and basically, abandoned me- even though I knew for her own survival she had to do that because I was leaning so hard on her emotionally and she was trying to deal with her own unresolved issues with her dad. I was able to get a part time job and put our house and property up for sale. I have no assets – just a little equity in my house and a lot of debt –credit cards- medical bills- and business related stuff. There was an ongoing law suit with a home builder which now has become a possible battle in probate court for my house. I have moved into an apartment and am making almost daily trips to the house to pack up and throw away and sort 28 years of accumulated treasures/junk/memories. Every trip means another crying jag and fatigue. I am attempting to get a full-time job (which I am not convinced I will be able to handle emotionally and mentally). I have had 5 interviews with a company over a period of almost a month to determine whether I should get the job or not. AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to run away, live in a cave, die, scream and cry for hours on end destroy and mutilate anything that gets in my path, and have just one person tell me it’s ok. That I’m not a murderer because of the many times I wanted my husband to die, just so some of the pain and pressure would stop. That it’s ok for me to grieve and be sad and not smiling every Sunday at church. Suddenly, all my fears have come back on me. I don’t want to be around a lot of people. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I fly off the handle or into a rage for seemingly small reasons. I feel like I may just totally fall apart at any moment, but I can’t- I have to continue to live, pay the bills, go to court, work a new job. I’m so afraid and I feel so alone I just think I might go crazy, but I have so much guilt it’s ridiculous. My best friend doesn’t understand why I need to cry so much and I have only cried around her a couple of times since my husband died. I think people are expecting me to be better by now, but I feel like I am just starting to deal with the grief – but I don’t have time – I have too many responsibilities. I’m ashamed of myself and feel like a total failure to God and everyone else. I’m afraid I am going to fall apart and then what will happen? I apologize for this complete outbreak of fear and self-pity, but it is real. Thanks for listening and I know that God still loves me. His love and mercy and the prayers of many of my brothers and sisters in Him have held me up this far. Pilgrim

Pilgrim- All I can say at this point is "Hold on". My situation is different from your's, so I can't say that I've "been there and done that", but my heart breaks for what you're going through. I was left in a fair financial situaiton when my Ginger died, with life insurance and all, so I can only imagine the struggle you're dealing with. So I say, just hold on, God will sustain you no matter what, He will not put more on us than we can handle, I know it seems trite to say at this point, but you must have faith, you must not give up, hold on, just hold on.

Father in Heaven, I left Pilgrim up to you in prayer. She's weary Lord, and her road seems dark. I know that You know her most specific needs Lord and I ask you to provide peace and comfort to her. Let her know Lord that she's not alone, that through You she does have the strength, that You have promised not to leave her, that all things work together for good for those who love You and are called according to your purpose. In Christ name, Amen.

One day at a time sweet Jesus. Try not to think so much on the big picture, rejoice in the small victories no matter how small. Pray and ask for the specific things you need. He knows them already, but you need to let Him know in prayer. I'm praying for you!

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Thank you so much for your reply, Comesoon. Your encouragement to hold on and know that He won't put more on us than we can bear was not trite at all. I needed to be reminded of His faithfulness. Sometimes when we get weary, we forget the reality of His grace and mercy. I am so grateful for your prayers and understanding. Compassion from our brothers and sisters means so much. I haven't been praying about the specifics. I have just been trusting God to take care of them - and He has. But I think your advice to me to pray those things is very good. As you said - He knows already what they are, but if I pray for those things, when He answers the prayers - it serves as a reminder of His faithfulness and builds my faith. Thanks again, my brother, and know that you are in my prayers as well.
May God bless you and keep you every moment of every day. Pilgrim

 

[c1ners]

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to allow ourselves to cry. You have been strong. Very very strong, but it's okay to be weak. It's okay to scream, yell, cry, throw things, and break them. For a while. But then we need to pick ourselves up, and move on.

Your husband put you through a lot before he died, and I'm sorry. Sometimes illness makes people do and say things that they really don't mean. I'm sure he loved you very much. You didn't kill him. The cancer did.

You'll be okay sweetie. I'll keep you in my prayers. Go ahead and vent it all out here. That's what we're here for.

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to allow ourselves to cry. You have been strong. Very very strong, but it's okay to be weak. It's okay to scream, yell, cry, throw things, and break them. For a while. But then we need to pick ourselves up, and move on.

Your husband put you through a lot before he died, and I'm sorry. Sometimes illness makes people do and say things that they really don't mean. I'm sure he loved you very much. You didn't kill him. The cancer did.

You'll be okay sweetie. I'll keep you in my prayers. Go ahead and vent it all out here. That's what we're here for.

c1ners, Thank you so much for your reply. I didn't realize until you said, "You didn't kill him. The cancer did.", that I had somehow believed that I had either brought his death on, or brought in on sooner because I didn't pray enough for him, didn't have enough faith, didn't want him healed badly enough. Didn't do every thing I could in caring for him to keep him alive longer, keep him more comfortable, and on and on and on. I've read enought about the grieving process with a caregiver to know that a lot of what I am feeling is normal and common. Also, there were already a lot of unresolved issues in our marriage which had been there for many years. Anyway, thank you very much for your encouragement and prayers. God bless you. Pilgrim

 

[tomknapp1950]

Can I talk to some of you folks in here who have “been there-done that’? My husband has been dead for a little over 3 months. I don’t want to re-hash my tale of woe, I just want to try to understand some things. Everybody around me says, “You’re doing so well!” The truth is I’m not doing well at all. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer and told 6 months was the average life expectancy with the type and stage of cancer he had (he lasted 10 weeks) , I handled it. When I had to take care of our horses, our home, his construction management business, and be his caregiver – I didn’t think I could, but I handled it. When the creditors started circling and I was dealing with mammoth financial problems-both personal and business – while the cancer was spreading to his brain and each day he became more demented - I handled it. Before his mind totally went he turned his back on his daughter and I emotionally and wouldn’t talk to us about anything but the business or his physical needs, when he was hateful almost constantly to me for weeks and only spoke to me when he needed something, when he would pull his hand away when I would try to hold it, or shrug my off my hand when I would attempt to touch him, I didn’t think I could bare it, but I did. When the only time he held me was when he held onto me as I held him and rocked him and sang to him and prayed for him when he was dying and terrified, and gasping for breath, I thought my heart would break for both of us –but I got through it. I planned his memorial service and sent thank you cards to all those who helped out with food and with the service, etc. My daughter went a totally different direction with her career plans and life and basically, abandoned me- even though I knew for her own survival she had to do that because I was leaning so hard on her emotionally and she was trying to deal with her own unresolved issues with her dad. I was able to get a part time job and put our house and property up for sale. I have no assets – just a little equity in my house and a lot of debt –credit cards- medical bills- and business related stuff. There was an ongoing law suit with a home builder which now has become a possible battle in probate court for my house. I have moved into an apartment and am making almost daily trips to the house to pack up and throw away and sort 28 years of accumulated treasures/junk/memories. Every trip means another crying jag and fatigue. I am attempting to get a full-time job (which I am not convinced I will be able to handle emotionally and mentally). I have had 5 interviews with a company over a period of almost a month to determine whether I should get the job or not. AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to run away, live in a cave, die, scream and cry for hours on end destroy and mutilate anything that gets in my path, and have just one person tell me it’s ok. That I’m not a murderer because of the many times I wanted my husband to die, just so some of the pain and pressure would stop. That it’s ok for me to grieve and be sad and not smiling every Sunday at church. Suddenly, all my fears have come back on me. I don’t want to be around a lot of people. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I fly off the handle or into a rage for seemingly small reasons. I feel like I may just totally fall apart at any moment, but I can’t- I have to continue to live, pay the bills, go to court, work a new job. I’m so afraid and I feel so alone I just think I might go crazy, but I have so much guilt it’s ridiculous. My best friend doesn’t understand why I need to cry so much and I have only cried around her a couple of times since my husband died. I think people are expecting me to be better by now, but I feel like I am just starting to deal with the grief – but I don’t have time – I have too many responsibilities. I’m ashamed of myself and feel like a total failure to God and everyone else. I’m afraid I am going to fall apart and then what will happen? I apologize for this complete outbreak of fear and self-pity, but it is real. Thanks for listening and I know that God still loves me. His love and mercy and the prayers of many of my brothers and sisters in Him have held me up this far. Pilgrim

Christie,
I am in the same place as you as far as recently widowed and I can attest to His faithfulness to keep you upright and would like to recommend a book a friend sent me called "Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love". It speaks to those crazy thoughts we have and how many if not most are quite normal and acceptable to push through without thinking ourselves loony. It has been quite excellent for me and I gave one to everyone that was close to my wife. I will be praying for you sis! Tom

 

[tns]

Can I talk to some of you folks in here who have “been there-done that’? My husband has been dead for a little over 3 months. I don’t want to re-hash my tale of woe, I just want to try to understand some things. Everybody around me says, “You’re doing so well!” The truth is I’m not doing well at all. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer and told 6 months was the average life expectancy with the type and stage of cancer he had (he lasted 10 weeks) , I handled it. When I had to take care of our horses, our home, his construction management business, and be his caregiver – I didn’t think I could, but I handled it. When the creditors started circling and I was dealing with mammoth financial problems-both personal and business – while the cancer was spreading to his brain and each day he became more demented - I handled it. Before his mind totally went he turned his back on his daughter and I emotionally and wouldn’t talk to us about anything but the business or his physical needs, when he was hateful almost constantly to me for weeks and only spoke to me when he needed something, when he would pull his hand away when I would try to hold it, or shrug my off my hand when I would attempt to touch him, I didn’t think I could bare it, but I did. When the only time he held me was when he held onto me as I held him and rocked him and sang to him and prayed for him when he was dying and terrified, and gasping for breath, I thought my heart would break for both of us –but I got through it. I planned his memorial service and sent thank you cards to all those who helped out with food and with the service, etc. My daughter went a totally different direction with her career plans and life and basically, abandoned me- even though I knew for her own survival she had to do that because I was leaning so hard on her emotionally and she was trying to deal with her own unresolved issues with her dad. I was able to get a part time job and put our house and property up for sale. I have no assets – just a little equity in my house and a lot of debt –credit cards- medical bills- and business related stuff. There was an ongoing law suit with a home builder which now has become a possible battle in probate court for my house. I have moved into an apartment and am making almost daily trips to the house to pack up and throw away and sort 28 years of accumulated treasures/junk/memories. Every trip means another crying jag and fatigue. I am attempting to get a full-time job (which I am not convinced I will be able to handle emotionally and mentally). I have had 5 interviews with a company over a period of almost a month to determine whether I should get the job or not. AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to run away, live in a cave, die, scream and cry for hours on end destroy and mutilate anything that gets in my path, and have just one person tell me it’s ok. That I’m not a murderer because of the many times I wanted my husband to die, just so some of the pain and pressure would stop. That it’s ok for me to grieve and be sad and not smiling every Sunday at church. Suddenly, all my fears have come back on me. I don’t want to be around a lot of people. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I fly off the handle or into a rage for seemingly small reasons. I feel like I may just totally fall apart at any moment, but I can’t- I have to continue to live, pay the bills, go to court, work a new job. I’m so afraid and I feel so alone I just think I might go crazy, but I have so much guilt it’s ridiculous. My best friend doesn’t understand why I need to cry so much and I have only cried around her a couple of times since my husband died. I think people are expecting me to be better by now, but I feel like I am just starting to deal with the grief – but I don’t have time – I have too many responsibilities. I’m ashamed of myself and feel like a total failure to God and everyone else. I’m afraid I am going to fall apart and then what will happen? I apologize for this complete outbreak of fear and self-pity, but it is real. Thanks for listening and I know that God still loves me. His love and mercy and the prayers of many of my brothers and sisters in Him have held me up this far. Pilgrim

I'm not only listening, but will keep you in my prayers. My husband died at home on October 28, 2003, so I know exactly what you are going through. I saw him die; he stopped breathing while I was on the phone with 911. I also lost my home and car five months after he died and had to go through bankruptcy the following year because of the high debt.
The feelings you are having are very normal!!! Please don't feel like you are alone and write me any time. Nothing prepares us for this loss. Jesus is there to help you through it!

 

[GIFTMASTER]

i cried when i read your note - so sorry for your loss

i also lost my wife on june 18th
sudden death - I had no warning. we had a very sweet relationship so we didn't have any of the problems you spoke of between us. Thank God. But I am disabled, and i wasn't able to care for myself before my wife died, and I started to get better afterwards, and I started to do things I was unable to do before. Some people thought it was just necessity, but I'll argue firmly that it was a miracle, completely a miracle that I'm doing better. I'm a naturallly positive and upbeat person and I"m never depressed really so everybody thinks I'm doing great, and I can't get any help for anything. I've been totally alone, nobody has come by here, I haven't had any help and I am sad inside. It isn't ok with anybody to express any sadness, then they think I'm being negative, it's like I'm being tested all the time. So I can relate some, but not on all counts. Some things I don't have trouble where you do, but that's ok. I have trouble in areas that other people don't. I'm in severe pain all the time and I don't work, so I'm trying hard. It's like people don't want to actually have to CARE. They don't really want to know how I'm really doing anyway. They just want to say they did this or that. Ok, get your credits and get out of here. I can't even tell people that this is hard for me. They take that as complaining, so I can't say a word. Just crying on the inside. totally going through this alone. Everyone has turned their back on me. but not God - /He is with me always

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Giftmaster
For what it's worth, I CARE! I'm lifting you up in prayer. You know sometime's we have situations that make us lean totally on our Heavenly Father. Sometimes we need to know that EVERYTHING we have comes from Him. Every breath, every ray of sunshine. I've been studying widows in the bible, and noticed how Paul speaks of "True Widows"; those who have no family to take care of them and are completely dependant on the church. Do you have a widow/widower program in your local church? I have one in mine and they were incredible and continue to be. Your church family should provide you with some support, emotionally, physically, and yes even financially if need be. You know when we are at our lowest point, that's when we really understand and remember that GOD IS IN CONTROL. Never forget that my friend. Continue to lean on Him, don't be afraid to tell people your true feelings. If they think you are complaining or being negative, then they must deal with that in their own way, but your christian brothers and sisters will come to your rescue. I will add you to my daily prayer list and pray for relief of your pain, for comfort from a friend, neighbor or church member, and for continued strenght in your faith. Hold on my friend, God Bless!!

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Giftmaster, thank you so much for your response. My heart goes out to you. Dear Brother, you are in my prayers. I was venting a lot of what I had held in when I posted that a while back. It was gut wrenching honesty and all I got in return was love- in this forum, and from my Heavenly Father. ComesoonmyLord is right about the testing and the separation. God has a way of putting us in some closed in situations to make us see how much He really loves us. I know, that sounds crazy, but it is true. I just re-read my original post. Whew! A lot has changed since then, I might share it another time, but right now I just want to tell you that God is still on the throne, and He loves You with a love that is unfathomable. Grieve in whatever manner you need to. Many times people think if they can keep you from crying or being sad or angry, that the pain won't touch them. People generally want to try to make things better and when they know there is nothing they can do, they try to deny how much pain you are really in. They aren't being deliberately callous, they just don't understand. I am joyful at your physical miracle. I will continue to pray for you to have relief from the pain. Also, a gentleman in here recommended a book for me to read, and it is excellent. It is called, "Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love", by Raymond R. Mitsch and Lynn Brookside. It has been helpful to me. Just hold tight to Jesus, Giftmaster. He will remain faithful. He will get You through this. Pilgrim.

 

[Pilgrim1951]

I'm not only listening, but will keep you in my prayers. My husband died at home on October 28, 2003, so I know exactly what you are going through. I saw him die; he stopped breathing while I was on the phone with 911. I also lost my home and car five months after he died and had to go through bankruptcy the following year because of the high debt.
The feelings you are having are very normal!!! Please don't feel like you are alone and write me any time. Nothing prepares us for this loss. Jesus is there to help you through it!

tns, I am so sorry I never acknowledged your post in response to mine. Your words of encouragement and understanding meant a lot, and still do. God bless you!

 

[BornoftheSpirit]

Can I talk to some of you folks in here who have “been there-done that’? My husband has been dead for a little over 3 months. I don’t want to re-hash my tale of woe, I just want to try to understand some things. Everybody around me says, “You’re doing so well!” The truth is I’m not doing well at all. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer and told 6 months was the average life expectancy with the type and stage of cancer he had (he lasted 10 weeks) , I handled it. When I had to take care of our horses, our home, his construction management business, and be his caregiver – I didn’t think I could, but I handled it. When the creditors started circling and I was dealing with mammoth financial problems-both personal and business – while the cancer was spreading to his brain and each day he became more demented - I handled it. Before his mind totally went he turned his back on his daughter and I emotionally and wouldn’t talk to us about anything but the business or his physical needs, when he was hateful almost constantly to me for weeks and only spoke to me when he needed something, when he would pull his hand away when I would try to hold it, or shrug my off my hand when I would attempt to touch him, I didn’t think I could bare it, but I did. When the only time he held me was when he held onto me as I held him and rocked him and sang to him and prayed for him when he was dying and terrified, and gasping for breath, I thought my heart would break for both of us –but I got through it. I planned his memorial service and sent thank you cards to all those who helped out with food and with the service, etc. My daughter went a totally different direction with her career plans and life and basically, abandoned me- even though I knew for her own survival she had to do that because I was leaning so hard on her emotionally and she was trying to deal with her own unresolved issues with her dad. I was able to get a part time job and put our house and property up for sale. I have no assets – just a little equity in my house and a lot of debt –credit cards- medical bills- and business related stuff. There was an ongoing law suit with a home builder which now has become a possible battle in probate court for my house. I have moved into an apartment and am making almost daily trips to the house to pack up and throw away and sort 28 years of accumulated treasures/junk/memories. Every trip means another crying jag and fatigue. I am attempting to get a full-time job (which I am not convinced I will be able to handle emotionally and mentally). I have had 5 interviews with a company over a period of almost a month to determine whether I should get the job or not. AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to run away, live in a cave, die, scream and cry for hours on end destroy and mutilate anything that gets in my path, and have just one person tell me it’s ok. That I’m not a murderer because of the many times I wanted my husband to die, just so some of the pain and pressure would stop. That it’s ok for me to grieve and be sad and not smiling every Sunday at church. Suddenly, all my fears have come back on me. I don’t want to be around a lot of people. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I fly off the handle or into a rage for seemingly small reasons. I feel like I may just totally fall apart at any moment, but I can’t- I have to continue to live, pay the bills, go to court, work a new job. I’m so afraid and I feel so alone I just think I might go crazy, but I have so much guilt it’s ridiculous. My best friend doesn’t understand why I need to cry so much and I have only cried around her a couple of times since my husband died. I think people are expecting me to be better by now, but I feel like I am just starting to deal with the grief – but I don’t have time – I have too many responsibilities. I’m ashamed of myself and feel like a total failure to God and everyone else. I’m afraid I am going to fall apart and then what will happen? I apologize for this complete outbreak of fear and self-pity, but it is real. Thanks for listening and I know that God still loves me. His love and mercy and the prayers of many of my brothers and sisters in Him have held me up this far. Pilgrim

Pilgrim1951,

I know how hard it is to be in the spot you're in. My husband died only 5 months ago.

I just came out of hitting rock bottom again, for about a 6 week period, 2 weeks ago. All the feelings of going through the time of Brian's diagnosis, to the time of his death came right up to the surface again.

It felt much worse this time than it felt just after Brian had died. I was very numb then, and went around in a daze most of the time. This time the numbness wasn't there. I guess that's why I felt the pain worse.

I was feeling very lost and very much alone, although I know I'm never alone, God is always with me, but without someone to share my life with it seems a very lonely place.

I felt like I was wandering around aimlessly in the wilderness and could see no end to it. I felt very insecure and uncertain about my future as I saw it.

I wanted to follow God and be obedient to Him in everything I did, but felt if I wasn't hearing Him right, it was hard to follow His lead.

I want you to know you have friends here that are praying for you and supporting you anyway they can. If you like, you can send me a private message and we can talk more freely. I'm here for you if you need a friend.

These are a few scriptures I find helpful. I hope you do too.

Ps 9:9
The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Ps 62:7
In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

Ps 62:8
Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

1 Tim 5:5
Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day.

1 Chron 28:20
........ Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD.

Romans 8:37-39
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

[faithgoeson]

My heart and prayers go out to all of you here. Most all I have read here is perfectly normal. Just keep praying, trusting, and asking for God's help and comfort. My husband was shot to death for no reason at all. There was no warning for us. I know, though, that no time is ever enough time to say goodbye. My children and even I were so young and innocent when he passed. It wasn't long before we were taken advantage of by others. It tested my faith many times. We lost all we had trying to pay all the bills. We just hadn't planned for him to die at 25. Through the court issues and financial burdens, I eventually realized that I had not because I asked not. I would forget to pray for what I needed. I wouldn't let God do His job, and I ended up having to be homeless with my children before I finally realized it. Once I finally learned that God was in control, things started to get better. It's so easy to forget that all we need to do is give everything to Him to handle. We can't do it all on our own. Another thing I've had to learn is how to ask for help. People aren't just going to come up and offer---at least not where I live. My family and friends never met a young widow. They can't be expected to know how to help me. I have yet to find a church that helps widows. They seem to be a thing of the past this day and age. You have to learn how to swallow your pride and even ask strangers sometimes for help. You just may be allowing someone else to be blessed by giving in and asking for their help. I will keep praying for each one of you. God bless.

 

[cajunhillbilly]

I lost my wife nearly a year ago. It still hurts. Esp as i approach the anniversary of her death. It was sudden and i had no idea I would be a widower. She was perfectly healthy as fas as I could tell the day before. She complained of chest pains and thought it was her asthma that morning. I found her daed when I came home that afternoon. A heart attack. I yelled at God for weeks after that. He is big enough. He can handle it. I have gotten past that stage, but still feel like it is a mystery why God took her. I will see her again someday though

 

[cajunhillbilly]

oh and it is normal to grieve for years some times and anyone who tells you otherwise is being insensitive

 

[smiledaily]

Hello everyone, I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. My late husband went home to be with Jesus Christ almost five years now. All of your post's have touched my heart greatly. With time and the help of Jesus Christ I have let go of the pain and both myself and my children have started moving on with life. I will pray you all find comfort and healing. God bless you all.

 

[PeppermintTea]

Pilgrim- All I can say at this point is "Hold on". My situation is different from your's, so I can't say that I've "been there and done that", but my heart breaks for what you're going through. I was left in a fair financial situaiton when my Ginger died, with life insurance and all, so I can only imagine the struggle you're dealing with. So I say, just hold on, God will sustain you no matter what, He will not put more on us than we can handle, I know it seems trite to say at this point, but you must have faith, you must not give up, hold on, just hold on.

Father in Heaven, I left Pilgrim up to you in prayer. She's weary Lord, and her road seems dark. I know that You know her most specific needs Lord and I ask you to provide peace and comfort to her. Let her know Lord that she's not alone, that through You she does have the strength, that You have promised not to leave her, that all things work together for good for those who love You and are called according to your purpose. In Christ name, Amen.

One day at a time sweet Jesus. Try not to think so much on the big picture, rejoice in the small victories no matter how small. Pray and ask for the specific things you need. He knows them already, but you need to let Him know in prayer. I'm praying for you!

Thank you Comesoon, you summed up my feelings in your kind words.

God bless you, I'm praying for you Pilgrim.