A common problem in marriages

[Volunteergal]

Because of the things stated in the video, I make sure we have sex 1-2 a week. But when we do it is ALL about the sex. There is no discussion as she describes afterward. He just goes to sleep or if it is during the day, gets dressed and carries on like nothing happened. He onlyexpress a small interest in me. ( You okay?) on a day to day basis.
We have been to counseling but it seemed to make it worse. I am relationally starved.
Is sex just for sex like a one night stand, really okay in a Christian marriage??

 

[mkgal1]

Is sex just for sex like a one night stand, really okay in a Christian marriage??

Not when you're feeling relationally starved (as anyone with healthy emotions would be).

 

[LinkH]

Because of the things stated in the video, I make sure we have sex 1-2 a week. But when we do it is ALL about the sex. There is no discussion as she describes afterward. He just goes to sleep or if it is during the day, gets dressed and carries on like nothing happened. He onlyexpress a small interest in me. ( You okay?) on a day to day basis.
We have been to counseling but it seemed to make it worse. I am relationally starved.
Is sex just for sex like a one night stand, really okay in a Christian marriage??

Maybe I'm thinking like a guy here, but what does sex have to do with being relationally starved? If he were talking to you all the time and you had great communication, would you have any objections to the way the sex is done? I'm thinking it's probably two different issues. If not, you can let him know you want him to hold you or do whatever. It may feel like 'he should know' what you want, and you might feel kind of like begging for attention telling him this stuff, but you need to tell him what you want, because us guys don't always just get the female perspective without someone telling us. You could also remind him of how you used to do whatever you used to do when you were at your most romantic point of your relationship--e.g. long conversations while dating-- and go from there to tell him some things you would like for him to do for you to improve the relationship.

And it's best to tell him these things in a gentle way when you aren't arguing. Talking gently while laying down together holding each other may work well. That way he won't get defensive, and it's hard to really listen and hear one's partner during an argument anyway.

 

[WolfGate]

Link - I get what Volunteergal is saying. Sex and love and the relationship are intertwined in lots of people. I would feel pretty empty if my wife seemed uninterested in me other than when we were engaged in sex. She indicated they went to counseling, so I have to believe she has let him know what she wants, and her perspective is it made things worse.

 

[KwanLove]

Maybe I'm thinking like a guy here, but what does sex have to do with being relationally starved? If he were talking to you all the time and you had great communication, would you have any objections to the way the sex is done? I'm thinking it's probably two different issues. If not, you can let him know you want him to hold you or do whatever. It may feel like 'he should know' what you want, and you might feel kind of like begging for attention telling him this stuff, but you need to tell him what you want, because us guys don't always just get the female perspective without someone telling us. You could also remind him of how you used to do whatever you used to do when you were at your most romantic point of your relationship--e.g. long conversations while dating-- and go from there to tell him some things you would like for him to do for you to improve the relationship.

And it's best to tell him these things in a gentle way when you aren't arguing. Talking gently while laying down together holding each other may work well. That way he won't get defensive, and it's hard to really listen and hear one's partner during an argument anyway.

I'm not sure how wanting conversation and physical contact outside of sex is simply a "female perspective." If a husband is obeying God's command to love his wife, shouldn't he know to express that love beyond sexual intercourse? Don't males want these things as well in a godly relationship?

 

[LinkH]

I'm not sure how wanting conversation and physical contact outside of sex is simply a "female perspective." If a husband is obeying God's command to love his wife, shouldn't he know to express that love beyond sexual intercourse? Don't males want these things as well in a godly relationship?

I wouldn't think of a lack of communication outside of the bedroom as a sexual problem, but I think women may be more likely to see it that way... as more interconnected.

 

[WolfGate]

I wouldn't think of a lack of communication outside of the bedroom as a sexual problem, but I think women may be more likely to see it that way... as more interconnected.

Well, if sex is simply scratching a biological itch then I would agree lack of communication isn't a sexual problem. In a Christian marriage, sex is so much more and so much deeper - two truly becoming one - and so feeling valued and loved and all the things that communication and romance and affection help foster are definitely part of making love. So I do believe it can be and in many cases is a sexual problem.

 

[mkgal1]

Maybe I'm thinking like a guy here, but what does sex have to do with being relationally starved?

Link, do you recall the content of the video you posted in the OP? That's what the video is about (if you want the short version--you can start around 7:30 minutes in until about 9:02 minutes). She framed the whole issue of a sex-starved marriage by stating that "to some people" sex is where they feel loved and accepted and connected. She also made the claim that once she's done with this 15 minute talk her listeners will "know what to do to prevent it [sex-starved marriage on the brink of divorce] from happening to you". She said that, though, after she'd said she has a passion for helping people achieve healthy, loving, *lasting* marriages, and that she helps "resuscitate those with flat-lined marriages". That's a hefty promise.

She gave a simplified description of a sex-starved marriage to be where one spouse desperately longs for more touch (sex) and that that's how they feel wanted, loved, and connected and the other spouse that doesn't get that and doesn't think sex is "a big deal". She then made the claim that that's where "ALL intimacy goes right out the door" when there's this disconnect. I believe it's the other way around. That relational intimacy is what encourages the physical intimacy. To make it the other way around is unhealthy and a superficial [one-sided] "fix".

This whole "thinking like a guy" and "female perspective" stuff really does a disservice to this entire issue. As WolfGate is proving....it's not a given that men aren't emotionally intelligent. And, like Kwanlove brought up......if men *are* that stumped about relationships/emotions... they have a "command" to become more proficient in that specific area. Even aside from marriage, Jesus summed up all the commandments to be about relationships and fully loving God and others. IMO.....it should be the main life's work of *all* Christians to get a grasp on the "loving others" instruction.

Since you were the one that shared this video.....I'm curious what *your* take-away was. You said she was a "very articulate marriage counselor". What impressed you about what she said (specifically)? You seem to be missing her main point.

 

[LinkH]

Since you were the one that shared this video.....I'm curious what *your* take-away was. You said she was a "very articulate marriage counselor". What impressed you about what she said (specifically)? You seem to be missing her main point.

Your question is several months late on this revived thread. I don't remember what was said in the video or every detail I was thinking about it months ago.

 

[mkgal1]

I also realize that there could be marriages where the man feels like he is getting this affection when they have sex, but the wife because some of her needs for communication and intimacy aren't being met outside the bedroom, may feel like the sex feels empty because she feels like the emotional connection is lacking.

I'm trying to figure out what you're saying here.

Do you mean that by the two having sex then the man (or whomever acquires that feeling of being loved and accepted/connected) that person's need for affection is met.....but the other person still feels empty? Can you elaborate on that a little more?

 

[mkgal1]

That relational intimacy is what encourages the physical intimacy. To make it the other way around is unhealthy and a superficial [one-sided] "fix".

That last sentence is a more stereotypically 'female' perspective, IMO.

Maybe we should stick to this point a bit first.

I disagree that that's truly a "female perspective", but I *do* agree that it's the typical stereotype. It's the perspective of someone that perceives sex as an expression of love---not merely a lustful scratch of a biological itch. IMO.....until a person (women can perceive sex as being just for the sake of sex itself as well---that's not just a "man perspective"). The speaker made that point as well (that the stereotype isn't reality).

 

[mkgal1]

Since you were the one that shared this video.....I'm curious what *your* take-away was. You said she was a "very articulate marriage counselor". What impressed you about what she said (specifically)? You seem to be missing her main point.

I'm still curious about this. The video is still in the OP.

 

[mkgal1]

But I don't think all men are alike and that all women are alike.

I don't think that either......so lets' not include things in the discussion that play into that.

 

[mkgal1]

just from having sex that isn't especially romantic or affectionate, can feel a kind of bonding with their wives, even if they aren't talking as much as they used to, or if she feels the emotional side of things is lacking.

This is where I think the disconnect is between us.

You seem to think it's about the act---as if there's a specific way to have "romantic or affectionate" sex and a way to have one night stand sex (which I guess that's partially true---one getting up w/o saying a word immediately after as if nothing just happened doesn't portray benevolence). That's what happens (IMO) when one looks at things from the direction of sex forming the bond (instead of expressing the bond that's formed outside of the bed).

 

[mkgal1]

My point in bringing that up is if a wife feels the sex in marriage is cold due to a lack of connecting at other times throughout the week, she shouldn't think her husband realizes that, doesn't care, and just wants meaningless sex.

I don't know of anyone that expects their spouse to read their minds.

 

[LinkH]

That's what happens (IMO) when one looks at things from the direction of sex forming the bond (instead of expressing the bond that's formed outside of the bed).

I don't think anyone is saying that. I wouldn't say that, except maybe for the initial time the act is done on the wedding night. Also, on a biological and emotional level sex can be a bonding activity.

What I was talking about was feelings, not philosophy. Men can feel emotionally attached to their wives and can feel loved by having sex with them. A man who feels that way feels that way. He may not think of sex that way as his 'philosophy of sex.' It's just an emotional response. Women may feel like having sex with their husbands and feel like having sex with them if they feel emotionally attached through their interactions with their husbands on a day to day basis. (And not everyone fits into the 'typical' box for their gender). Then there are people who think of sex as such a low priority that they don't want to have sex even if other aspects of the relationship are okay, and this video would be good for them.

I don't know of anyone that expects their spouse to read their minds. Most people

It seems to be a common enough complaint. Have you ever heard of a couple arguing where the husband says to the wife, "Why are you upset?" and the wife says to he husband, "You should know why I'm upset."

Do you mean that by the two having sex then the man (or whomever acquires that feeling of being loved and accepted/connected) that person's need for affection is met.....but the other person still feels empty? Can you elaborate on that a little more?

Yes, I think that can happen to some couples.

If there is a wife who feels her husband is using her for sex, because she doesn't feel connected to him, and he still wants to have sex with her, that could be because of a number of issues. Maybe the husband neglects her emotionally. But she could also have been abused and interprets sexual things in a negative light. Or maybe she's going through some negative emotions and she's blaming him for her emotions when they aren't his fault.

I'd imagine there are a lot of husbands who have heard "All you want me for is sex". I've read that complaint on another forum online and heard other people say it enough to think it's fairly typical. I think that's something some wives say when their husbands want sex and they aren't feeling the love in the relationship. That doesn't mean the husbands are having sex with them wrong. I think it has more to do with wives having a problem with having sex when the relationship doesn't feel right. It's more about either their feelings or the problems in the relationship that are at the root of their feelings about the relationship. It can just be feelings, too, since feelings aren't always rational or justified.

 

[mkgal1]

If there is a wife who feels her husband is using her for sex, because she doesn't feel connected to him, and he still wants to have sex with her, that could be because of a number of issues. Maybe the husband neglects her emotionally. But she could also have been abused and interprets sexual things in a negative light. Or maybe she's going through some negative emotions and she's blaming him for her emotions when they aren't his fault.
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I'd imagine there are a lot of husbands who have heard "All you want me for is sex". I've read that complaint on another forum online and heard other people say it enough to think it's fairly typical. I think that's something some wives say when their husbands want sex and they aren't feeling the love in the relationship. That doesn't mean the husbands are having sex with them wrong. I think it has more to do with wives having a problem with having sex when the relationship doesn't feel right. It's more about either their feelings or the problems in the relationship that are at the root of their feelings about the relationship. It can just be feelings, too, since feelings aren't always rational or justified.

Whether or not those feelings are rational or justified---if the couple still has sex with those thoughts lingering (one feeling used an uncared for otherwise) that's *not* going to build a stronger bond. Instead---it's going to do the exact opposite. That's when the couple needs to take a step back and look at what's going on (and that may only take a few moments). It's when that gets buried and ignored and the practice of "make sure you have regular sex---at least twice a week to protect your marriage" comes into play that things get destructive. This video makes it out that a sex-less marriage leads to divorce. I disagree--I think it's more appropriate to say that a *loveless* marriage is what causes divorce.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'd say sexless or loveless marriage lead to divorce. Heck many things lead to divorce. And for each couples is different. Bob and Betty may divorce because of a sexless marriage, but James and Janet may divorce because of a loveless one. And Tommy and Tammy may divorce because of money issues. I will say though if someone is having sex twice a week just to protect the marriage, it won't end well. Sex just becomes a act at that point. Its no longer an emotional bonding love filled thing.

I'd also say this is why couples should the the love language to test to see what their language is and see their spouses. If someones is physical then sex to them is probably important. Where as someone elses may be doing things like chores makes them feel loved and so on.

 

[Dave-W]

I'd say sexless or loveless marriage lead to divorce.

Not necessarily.

 

[LinkH]

Whether or not those feelings are rational or justified---if the couple still has sex with those thoughts lingering (one feeling used an uncared for otherwise) that's *not* going to build a stronger bond. Instead---it's going to do the exact opposite.

If a couple has some real issue between them, they need to take care of that. The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your wrath. If there is unforgiveness, that needs to be taken care of quickly. Quick reconciliation is important if one person has hurt the others. Couples shouldn't be having lots of sex while there is unforgiveness or anger because they shouldn't let these things be in the relationship for a long time. If one of them feels uncared-for, they need to talk that out and make some changes.

But if one of them thinks 'our relationship needs work in some areas' and decides to stop having sex for weeks or months or years, that's just adding fuel to the fire.

That's when the couple needs to take a step back and look at what's going on (and that may only take a few moments). It's when that gets buried and ignored and the practice of "make sure you have regular sex---at least twice a week to protect your marriage" comes into play that things get destructive.

Maybe we are sort of on the same page, then. I don't think couples should just make sure to have sex while neglecting to deal with hurt feelings, anger, unforgiveness, etc. in the relationship. I think they should deal with these things, and then have regular sex. What
regular' means depends on the couple.

This video makes it out that a sex-less marriage leads to divorce. I disagree--I think it's more appropriate to say that a *loveless* marriage is what causes divorce.

I thought of the video as targeting people who just didn't care to have sex as much as the other partner. The other partner can feel unloved after being refused and sexually neglected. It is related to love, because the one who lacks interest is neglecting to show love to the partner with the greater need.