My grandpa was not a nice man. As my mother described it, "He had a lot of rough edges." Perhaps rightfully so. He was born and raised in the depression, and lost his mother. It is my guess that his father was extremly cruel, therefor he became so himself.
Lord bless them both because neither of them are with us anymore, but in a way they are. Cruelty, negativity, and the narscisism is as inheritable as hair color. Not exactly from DNA, but from proximity. I spend a lot of time with my dad just because he has a nine to six job, but a part of me wishes I didn't.
I notice that his habbits, and attitudes become mine almost naturally. And I do not want them. There is a chain in our family and more than anything I want to break it. This ends with me.
But its not that easy. I can't get away from my father. I can't flip a switch and turn these things off. I pray, and I ask God for His forgiveness yet I cannot forgive my dad. He should have seen it, fought it. Maybe he did and gave up.
He bilittles me. He makes me feel small and out of control. Its awful, it instills hate in my heart. And try as I might to make it go away I just can't. I don't know how.
And I don't know how many more hits I can take before I simply curl up and become him.
It's okay if you don't have advice for me, all I ask for is a prayer. Maybe not even that. I just needed to say it.
Lord bless them both because neither of them are with us anymore, but in a way they are. Cruelty, negativity, and the narscisism is as inheritable as hair color. Not exactly from DNA, but from proximity. I spend a lot of time with my dad just because he has a nine to six job, but a part of me wishes I didn't.
I notice that his habbits, and attitudes become mine almost naturally. And I do not want them. There is a chain in our family and more than anything I want to break it. This ends with me.
But its not that easy. I can't get away from my father. I can't flip a switch and turn these things off. I pray, and I ask God for His forgiveness yet I cannot forgive my dad. He should have seen it, fought it. Maybe he did and gave up.
He bilittles me. He makes me feel small and out of control. Its awful, it instills hate in my heart. And try as I might to make it go away I just can't. I don't know how.
And I don't know how many more hits I can take before I simply curl up and become him.
It's okay if you don't have advice for me, all I ask for is a prayer. Maybe not even that. I just needed to say it.
