8 years since my step dad killed himself all on this day i cant get over it no matter what i do
the pain of it still hurts i feel i dont want to be here but i cant do what he did have my husband and friends would hurt myself if i could
GraceofGod3,
The pain in your words, how they’re put together, is incredibly evident. Therefore, listen carefully.
Think of the word confidence. I need you to go to that place, a place in your mind that might only occasionally remind you that you’re “ok and a really good person”. Go to that distant place in your mind that really does believe in yourself. The reason why I demand that you go “there”, is because a confident mind is one that is calm, relaxed and clear thinking. We need to be clear thinkers, ok?! I believe in you, so let’s get going. You’re going to be fine, I know it!
I hear that you would hurt yourself if you could. I understand. I’ve spent 16 years on the edge of suicide myself, so know that my heart weeps in your very hands and that your heart weeps in mine. But we’re going to change these tears around, for they aren’t doing you or anyone else any good at all. I can assure you that all of my hurts that I packed around with me guaranteed only one thing….that I was going to suffer. And oh man, I really did. You know I did! And you, too, know that you don’t have to suffer either.
Look, the bottom line is that people want to kill themselves almost always, because of those close and near to them, terribly afraid of what others think, and worse, what we [think] they believe about us. This is a trap. It is a trap straight from that sends everyone who falls into it, into a whirlwind of a ride that few are ever, ever able to escape. You’re going to begin your escape route today and that’s all there is to it. So I need you to get up. Get up and stand tall! We cannot allow ourselves to be this weak and insecure about life any longer. So this means that we’ve got to begin to change the way we think, which is what I call an R12-2 experience, standing for Romans 12-2, where we become transformed by changing our modes of thought….is there any other way?
Here’s how we’re going to start: First of all, you and your life proves that “confidence is NOT from the Lord”. I’m sure that you would be willing to testify, alongside of me, that God has NOT been handing out confidence to us. And since this false teaching is rampant, guess what this horrific ideology does to yours and my minds? This false doctrine leads you and me to believe that God probably doesn’t love us, that He is leaving us alone and that there is something terribly, terribly wrong. The truth is, is that you and I have been sitting on the couch, crying and begging Him to help us, when He’s been screaming at us to get off of the couch and to start helping ourselves! Christians have become so lazy as we adopt phrases like, “Just pray about it”, and “Confidence is from the Lord”. Those two false teachings accomplish one thing….Do Nothing Christians”. You and I aren’t going to be like that anymore.
Self-Confidence is not evil, my gosh! What crazy person ever came up with that?! Confidence is as much a part of our core, essential being as is hunger pangs! I want to be just like Adam and Eve prior to their sinning, so why am I not? I am weak, afraid and insecure when they were absolutely perfect! Oh, they were perfect? Yes, when we are without fear and anxiety, we are confident. That’s how God created us to be! We are clearly taught to be bold, secure, confident, to stand tall, endure, etc etc….well that’s what confident people do! More than this, Paul clearly teaches that we are to possess, cultivate and develop our confidence so that we can stand boldly before Him on our final day. We are confident because we have diligently worked for righteous food, meaning that we have desperately loved others more than ourselves. This confidence isn’t mystical. No! This confidence is the effect of behaving properly which stems from submitting to doing the right things throughout life.
Godly people are confident; that’s the exact kind of person God wants. Confident people don’t focus on themselves, rather, they focus on the needs of the whole group. Confident people are leaders, and the greatest leaders of them all will be strong and confident warriors, but are also kind and gentle. Confident people are listeners! Confident people do not always have to be right, for even the Apostle Paul told the Corinthian church that he didn’t care what they, or any other human being thought of him. Follow this example! Confident people are not intertwining their self-worth and identity into the thoughts and mindsets of others, for that would be lunacy.
Think about it, why do we create our worth and self-value based upon the twisted and sick ideals of those that are around us? That’s not good at all. I no longer determine my self-worth based upon the sick people that are around me, and that’s just about everyone. This is what it means to be a “foreigner in a strange land”. When I exit my front door, I don’t feel like anyone else around me, for we are not supposed to be thinking like anyone else on the planet. Remember, we’re expected to have an R12-2 experience. When Paul writes of being transformed, this isn’t just great literature for “Christians” to read, it is expected from a believer who has completely turned and made a change….which is describable. If we cannot describe an R12-2 experience, we need to do some thinking. Part of being transformed is what happens when God restores our natural state of confidence. So again, know that God does not grant confidence, it’s who we’re supposed to be! Therefore, we must strip aside old ideals and realize that the weaknesses and insecurities of others has nothing to do with you/me, so we need to let them go. Let another persons ideals send them down the dark and twisted path….we don’t believe the things others have to say about us.
I know that losing your step-dad was difficult, though I could never fully comprehend your understandable pain, so the best thing that you can do for yourself and for those around you is to become whole and complete again. The worth and value of your life no longer depends on the worth and value of another’s life. You are just as important as anyone else, for God has given you a set of feelings that allow you to love God’s children. You are NOT numb, quite the opposite. Your feelings are alive and this is good! Can you imagine having very few feelings for him? There are people all throughout the world, that are just that insensitive. But you are not! And this is what makes you completely normal and healthy, in my opinion. You love others, and the consequence of loving others deeply is quite often….pain. Jesus on the Cross did not have to die because He was God. He could have walked away, which is why Jesus was led away in silence, for he did not strike back or curse in return. Jesus went in silence, for if He had put up a fight when He could have gotten away, He would have only been a crazy man. Jesus was thinking perfectly clear while His measly creations tortured and murdered Him….absolutely incredible! Your value rests in your God Jesus Christ! It is what our Almighty, Powerful God’s thoughts that we are to be firstly concerned about….it just has to be this way and I know you will do it!
I don’t concern myself with behaviors and circumstances. Behaviors are nothing more than markers to flag to others that there is something going on in our hearts and minds….we need help. What we need to be concerned about is what is going on in our hearts. We need to help each other to ensure that those around us do not take their lives. You and I, my friend, we needed REAL Christians to recognize our hurts, and then to also know exactly, precisely how to help and encourage you. Unfortunately, the “Church” doesn’t have this figured out too well. But I believe in you and I know that you can and will heal. Separate yourself from these hurts and pains….they aren’t helping you.
BTW: When the Holy Spirit Speaks to you, the voice you hear will be your own, so don’t be confused. We often refuse to listen to ourselves, but those promptings of doing the right thing are the promptings and voices of the Spirit inside of you (hijacking your inner voice and thoughts, if you will.)
Dear Heavenly, Powerful and Almighty God of this Universe, I pray that this beautiful soul would be shown the truth in all things. God, I beg you to bring her the truth so that she can see and think clearly as we try to live in this difficult and chaotic world. Please deliver the truth.
