7 years later and I STILL don't know what to do...

[rambot]

I am a man.
I can't believe I'm typing this. I actually feel guitly in seeing that my problems seem somewhat minimal compared to others but I still want to share my story.
Bare with me please.

In 1998-9 I was in love with a girl. She wasn't in love with me. I thought we were really happy. We weren't but I couldn't bring myself to put it together. I was younger, had a terrible self imagine and I clung to her a bit to hard (I realize now).

When our condom broke, I felt it. I FELT IT. It was as though I KNEW what was going to happen. We looked into every possible alternative until we had to get an A.

She asked me what I wanted. I said that I would support her in any decision; that I can understand andand, that I agree with her reasoning and her decision. She asked me many times what I felt. ONLY ONCE did I say, well if the choice were totally mine and you wanted to, I would want to keep it. I felt as though that was the turning point; as though now she was allowed to feel guilt. It made me sad.

It happenned.

It continued to make me sad; not "it" but her. She couldn't stand being touched. She seemed really distant. I wasn't nearly wise enough to realize that I should have given her the space she needed but I wanted to support her and I wanted her to feel cared ful immediately.

She had hid it from everyone for almost a year... everyone but her friend. She told her parents in my last semester. Needless to say, I don't feel like going anywhere NEAR her parent's town anymore.

She had a lot of problems the next year. We met by chance. She returned somethings. Explained that she was doing terribly; but she was getting the help she felt she needed. I felt terrible. I still cared about her a great deal.

I prayed to God a lot that summer. It was the first summer I spent time all by myself. A huge amount of time; by myself. I prayed for forgiveness what felt like, a 100 times. It took a long time before I felt God's grace and his peace. I feel he forgave me immediately but that it was my guilt that hovered around me.

I was really surprised in later months to talk to 3 other, very close friends (female) of mine and they all said that they had had it done.


I can't say I feel any guilt anymore. But everytime I think about that woman, and everytime I think about that time of my life, I get very, very sad.

I'm married now. Mentally figured out and mature. Me and my wife are very happy. She's wonder and she knows about it. We want to get pregs. If it happens soon, great. If later great.


I'm not sure why anyone would be reading still but in case, ...I had typed that I have advice to offer. But I don't. It was a very sad thing. For those women who are lucky enough to have someone who loves them while going through the traumatic experience, consider yourself "lucky". When I was in the clinic there were 3 other teens and 4 single women in their.
And lastly, don't think about the man, but remember that he will be sad. But, it is kind of a really beautiful sad: There is no selfishness in it.

I like to think of a very well timed quote I had found:

Shared sorrow is half sorrow; shared joy is double joy.

 

[flower child]

thanks for sharing, one thing i would like to say is the past is the past, you cant change that, but perhaps this situation helped you to apretiate your wife and your future kids much more than you would have.

before my abortion which was less than a week ago, i was terrified at the thought of having children , and i was dead against having them for a very long time, but after becoming pregnant and aborting - i guess something more maternal started to maninfest in me.

i can finally say that i am no longer afraid of children, adn i look forward to the day when me and my fiance get married and have kids

keep on moving forward, to look back in the past can cost you your future

 

[mourningdove~]

I am a man.
I can't believe I'm typing this. I actually feel guitly in seeing that my problems seem somewhat minimal compared to others but I still want to share my story.
Bare with me please.

Hi rambot,
Thank you for sharing your story. So many times, the man's "side of the story" never gets told, and yet, he has lost a child also. I'm sorry for your loss.

I was wondering about something. In the opening of your post, you wrote:

7 years later and I STILL don't know what to do...

I was wondering what you meant by this statement. Is there "something" that you feel is left "undone" or that still "needs" to be done?

If you feel like sharing more, I'd be interested in understanding better.

Again, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for the sadness you experienced years ago, but am very happy for you now that you are happily married.

 

[rambot]

thanks you two.
Yeah, it is only in recollections that I feel sad.
And what I feel left undone is the connection we had. I feel pretty confident that she has no interest in seeing or hearing from me again, but I wish I could talk to her and try to understand her and what was going through her mind at that time.

But more than ANYTHING, I want to hear from her and I want her to tell me that she is okay and happy. That is such a worry of mine. If she would send me an email that said,
Dear Rambot,
Don't worry, I am fine.

From,
Rabiadotor (or whatever)

It would be at peace.

 

[mourningdove~]

But more than ANYTHING, I want to hear from her and I want her to tell me that she is okay and happy.

I understand these feelings. I often wonder if the father of my child is doing alright with things. We parted ways soon after the procedure and that was many years ago.

My hope now is that he, the father, has also found Jesus. If he has, then I feel sure the LORD will move in his heart about this matter and give him the Grace to deal with it and any pain he may still be feeling.

I sometimes now remember to pray for him, and so I pray that he knows Jesus and is doing well.

I suppose you do this for your friend also. I think this is the best gift that we can give these former dear ones ... to pray for them ... and trust Jesus to take care of them ... for He cares about them, too!

 

[rambot]

Yeah. I have done that before.
If you're really worried about him, you could call him couldn't you?

 

[mourningdove~]

Yeah. I have done that before.
If you're really worried about him, you could call him couldn't you?

I'm not "worried" about him.
And if I were to sense a genuine concern for him at any time, I would just know to pray for him.

And if I were meant to contact him? Well, then the LORD would surely make this known to my heart. He thus far has not.
(And I've learned to listen to the Holy Spirit in matters such as these. )

 

[Pepperoni]

I'm not sure why anyone would be reading still but in case...

Well I read the whole thing. I'm glad you shared that. You seem like a compassionate and caring person, and I'm glad you've found happiness. And I hope the woman you spoke of is doing as well as you seem to be.

 

[inhisimage73]

While reading this post, I suppose my attitude is changing some. The father of mine was very cold about the pregnancy. It was pretty much, "I don't care what you do, and don't you dare ask me to help...you're on your own". Right then, I formed an opinion that men don't have the right to have an opinion about this.....a viewpoint I've carried with me ever since. A few years later, our paths crossed again, and he asked me if I had done it. I shook my head yes, but never spoke a word to him. He got an expression of relief, walked out of the store, and drove off...I've never heard of or seen him since.

Now, I wonder if he has children...and if he ever thinks about the one we didn't have.

 

[Pepperoni]

While reading this post, I suppose my attitude is changing some. The father of mine was very cold about the pregnancy. It was pretty much, "I don't care what you do, and don't you dare ask me to help...you're on your own". Right then, I formed an opinion that men don't have the right to have an opinion about this.....a viewpoint I've carried with me ever since. A few years later, our paths crossed again, and he asked me if I had done it. I shook my head yes, but never spoke a word to him. He got an expression of relief, walked out of the store, and drove off...I've never heard of or seen him since.

I'm sorry that you had to go through this without (it sounds like anyway) very much support. It sounds as if you had a circle of friends, but that's not the same as a supportive family or supportive father of the child. That must have been tough. Maybe still is.

Now, I wonder if he has children...and if he ever thinks about the one we didn't have.

My husband and I never talk about it. Never. Is that wierd? Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers. He must, though. How could he forget? I suspect he just doesn't want to upset me. Because believe me, it would.

 

[inhisimage73]

I'm sorry that you had to go through this without (it sounds like anyway) very much support. It sounds as if you had a circle of friends, but that's not the same as a supportive family or supportive father of the child. That must have been tough. Maybe still is.

I did have a circle of friends, but that was all the support I had. I may still be harboring some anger and resentment towards the father...hmmm...interesting.... I'll have to do some heart searching and praying over that one.

My husband and I never talk about it. Never. Is that wierd? Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers. He must, though. How could he forget? I suspect he just doesn't want to upset me. Because believe me, it would.

Maybe he hasn't talked about it because it might be too painful for him to talk about it too. Maybe (prayerfully) this is the season to bring light into this area so both of you can heal...just a thought. I will certainly be praying for both of you

 

[Pepperoni]

I did have a circle of friends, but that was all the support I had. I may still be harboring some anger and resentment towards the father...hmmm...interesting.... I'll have to do some heart searching and praying over that one.

And who could blame you if you did? Even though I had a support system of one, I can honestly say I don't harbor any resentment towards anyone because the father did stand by me. I feel just the the opposite actually, I feel that (right or wrong) this is something that I made the decision to do and it bothers me to know that other people (my husband, the doctor) may be held responsible. For my mistake.

Maybe he hasn't talked about it because it might be too painful for him to talk about it too. Maybe (prayerfully) this is the season to bring light into this area so both of you can heal...just a thought. I will certainly be praying for both of you

I think that's possible, but he tends to take his cues from me. The fact that I've never spoken of it probably indicates to him that I would rather not discuss it. And he would be correct in that assumption. I don't even know what I would say about it. There's nothing that can be said or done now.