4 year old blues

[dreamcatcher]

i have an 11 year old step-daughter that is the sweetest most well behaved girl i have ever had the pleasure of being associated with.THEN...there is my 4 year old biological daughter.at other people's houses she is well behaved but when she gets home she is like Dr.Jekyl and Miss Hyde! it is sometimes so bad i think i can actually see the horns growing on top of her head.

i am running out of discipline ideas(legal ideas!..lol).can anyone suggest anything? time outs work for the time she is in time out but the second she is out....look out! here she comes!

 

 

[lucypevensie]

Work on changing her from the inside out, rather than the outside in. She may have issues stemming from her step-family--insecurity or something? Or she may just be pushing your buttons too. Kids test their limits--they make it their job. Whatever the case, her bad behavious stems from the sin in her heart, and that's where you should focus your attention rather than temporarily fixing her behaviour. Help her see right and wrong from God's perspective. When my kids get to acting up more frequently than normal and I know it's just plain disobedience I actually sit down with them with the Bible (God's Word) and picking specific scriptures I can show them how God expects us to behave. This might sound "preachy" but really it isn't if you do it with a loving heart and you don't constantly yell and scream Bible verses at them (ya know, use common sense). It's our most important job as their parents to teach our children what God says. I have to remind myself that my kids aren't sinning against ME, they are sinning against GOD, and I remind my kids of that fact also.

 

[Beckijhn]

I have a 12yo daughter that would have been my only child had she been my first. LOL

We went through some really rough years and I'll tell you that with the dramatic ones there is a LOT of love and a LOT of temper. It's a HUGE pendulum!!!

I read the Strong willed child and that was fun (used the uh-oh muscle once in church and she screamed 'you're killing me, you're killing me'. AARRGGHH) There was a lot of good advice in there.

Cynthia Tobias wrote a book called 'you can't make me' that my friend loves (she has a couple of strong wills in her family too).

I usually deal with the disobediance now and then during calm obedient times really get my training in the word in. My kids are the kind that will roll their eyes at a lecture and I think if I sit with them at the time of disobedience and go over verses they will see it as a punishment. (And probably think 'just spank me and get it over with')

This works great for us (in reference to theology and WWJD) because we homeschool and have Bible time, Bible class, and many hours of interaction where I can teach them 'when we rise, when we sit, when we lay down...' It all depends on the attitude, energy level, and learning style of your child.

 

[Evening Mist]

I think what you are describing is soooo common -- kids who are perfect angels in public and then give us a hard time at home!

I think from the child's POV there a couple things going on. First, with people outside your family it is harder to gauge where the boundries are -- So she tries really hard to be good and please everybody. But home is the place she can let her guard down, and stop putting energy into trying so hard.

Secondly, she trusts you to lover her no matter what. She knows that other people can choose not to spend time with her if she acts up, but *you* have to love her no matter what. And really in a way, the trouble she gives you should tell you that she trusts you in a way that she doesn't trust just anyone. I know how trying it can be, but it shows that she can be herself with you and thats a good thing.

A couple things work with my older son, who is like this at times. I try to limit the time he spends out -- because I think that he works TOO hard at being good, and then comes home REALLY wound up and tense from all that hard work being good. So we do shorter times out, and then come home for frequent rests. And I try to lower the expectations around the house -- so that he can find some genuinely peaceful time to kick up his feet and let down his guard without becoming wild.

I also work hard at communicating that even though I love him unconditionally, I do have boundries. I try to use feeling words -- and teach him that I am human too, and have my limits. That he needs to respect me, and work at cooperating with me so that we can have a good relationship.

I hope that things mellow out soon -- 3.5-4.5 or 5 y.o. is a very rough time in my opinion.