3 years

[mikeforjesus]

Hanna I want to talk to you on Yahoo Messenger but I never find you on... For now continue to take Holy Communion believing it is indeed the body and blood of Christ and you really have to read the psalms... even the best of saints have went through what u are going through.. and u'll especially relate in alot of ways to David the Prophet and King... Believe me.

Plz tell me the time u go on. .. coz I cant add u on MSN only Yahoo messenger but thats Okay.

 

[strengthinweakness]

There is so much fear...fear that I can't be helped, fear to tell anyone about my problem, fear that they will reject me for it, fear that they won't even care. The list goes on. I am paralyzed by it. Those around me have no idea that I feel the way I do. They think I have it all together, that I am invincible even. That scares me too. If I can hide something so huge from those people closest to me, what else am I capable of?
The people around me don't even know who I am. I'm sixteen- homeschooled, with 4 brothers and sisters. I am constantly at home, yet not even my own family has suspected. It is so hard to think of telling them. How do you show someone so close to you that you aren't who they think you are? I've suffered with depression for about 6 years, and even before that, I hid my pain from everyone. I was so young when I formed that habit. I thought it was a good thing- not to complain when I was hurt, not to cry...but now...I am incapable of helping myself because of it. I can't tell anyone that I'm hurting. I've tried, but the words just won't come. I don't know what to do. I can't even cry anymore- not even in the privacy of my own room. I can't scream, hit something...anything- everything remains trapped inside me. The only thing I can do anymore to let the pain out is write or sometimes talk to myself. Who I am is constantly fighting against the mask, constantly losing. It makes me feel like I am going insane. I'm so ashamed of all of this.
Strengthinweakness, thank you for your words. You know, I reached the point when I nearly took my own life as well. That was three years ago. God delivered me from myself. Still I could not ask for help....

I believe you when you speak about the intensity of your fear. I also believe that you did try to tell people that you were hurting, but the words wouldn't come. You do indeed seem "paralyzed" by your fear. Our God is all-powerful though. All-powerful!!! That means that He can free you from your fear. He can free you from being bound by worries of what others will think of you. You mention being "so ashamed of all of this." I hate to think of you suffering under such a self-imposed burden. Please ask God to free you of it. He CAN do it. You can't free yourself of it, but He can free you.

Don't worry about what others will think about you. They may very well be glad that you finally felt free to share with them just how much you are hurting. They may be tremendously relieved for you that you aren't suffering in silence anymore. Even if they aren't as completely sympathetic as we would hope them to be (my uncle wasn't as sympathetic with me as I would have liked), at least you would have expressed the truth to them about how you are really feeling-- and wouldn't it be a relief not to live in secrecy anymore?

Please ask God to help you open up to your family and friends. Don't even worry about your own ability or inability to talk to them. God can equip you to say what needs to be said. I will keep praying for you.

 

[mikeforjesus]

Also The psalms tells us our real needs and sorts us through the confusion and cloudy thinking of God that is related to the depression... It also teaches us how to pray and we know we progress the more and more relate to the psalms and believe me if u read the bible, pray, take Communion (knowing that Christ wins the wars with the devil for you), You will get the Peace, selfcontrol as some of the fruits and also some element of Joy at the beginning which will be strengthened as u continue in your spiritual practices... and also try to read alot of spiritual sermons and with our prayers U will get better slowly and slowly until you are returned to your original state of Grace... also I want to add that none of these practices alone will help u get better.. but when God sees us struggling in these areas Grace will come to make us receive its benefits.. I and alot of your brothers and sister and Christ can confirm this by experience.

I wonder if you have been baptised if u dont belong to any denomination , if u havent I think u should considered it.. Believe in the Holy Trinity and be baptised in the name of the Father + the Son and + the Holy Spirit.. If u believe Jesus is our LORD God and Saviour then u believe in the trinity.
All Churches have their strengths and weakness but I still would suggest in the FUTURE after ur depression gets a little bit better to be involved in some denomination.. Just to let you know I belong to the Orthodox faith which is all considered healing of the soul.



May the peace and love of our beloved Jesus Christ be with you my dear sister in Christ... I know when u get out God is going to use u for something great

Strength in weakness <-- Let us rejoice with you progress , maybe u can post it in the success... Praise the LORD almighty and may the LORD completely heal your soul, body, mind and Spirit.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Mikeforjesus, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I often take comfort in the Psalms. I'm usually on Yahoo at around 9 mountain time. I've been a Christian for 13 years, and I was baptized about 6 years ago. It is true that I am non-denominational, but because of being raised in a Christian family, doing Christian school, as well as going to church, I have a lot of Biblical knowlege.
Strengthinweakness, your words are a comfort. I want to be able to get help, I do. I long for it. Recently I made a commitment to read the Bible and pray more. I've found though, that I am unable to pray about this. For years it was my one and only plea- that God would help me, that He'd heal me, or that He would reveal to someone I need help. I drifted away for a while- after not becoming any better- but I know in my heart that it's better to be close to God, even if I don't always feel it. Now though, I can't hardly pray about it at all. Just like trying to tell someone else, the words don't come. I hope that the Spirit is interceeding for me like in Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." I cannot speak for myself.
Yes, it would be a relief not to have to hide in secrecey anymore. It's beyond fearing that they won't be sympathetic. I'm afraid they won't do anything. Right now, I am totally to blame for how I feel- for not telling anyone, for holding it all inside- but if I tell someone, and they don't do anything...well. I've tried that before. It hurts doubly then, being let down by myself and someone else- someone I thought cared about me. It would hurt so much to go through that with my family. I think they would be somewhat sympathetic, but I don't think they would do anything about it. The only thing I can picture when I think of telling them, is that they might feel sorry for me (which I don't really want), but soon they would forget about it, and I would go back to hiding- carefully tucking away even more pain than before.
Maybe this wouldn't happen, maybe it's depression clouding my thinking. I don't know. I know the only way I will ever be able to say anything is if God speaks through me.
It's so bad tonight. my head feels fuzzy- I can barely think. I have to remind myself to breath. My whole life feels tired- crushed beneath this weight.

 

[mikeforjesus]

Can u find out for me what 9 o clock mountain time is in Australia? sorry Im unknowledgable in this stuff... even though its general knowledge lol.

Peace

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

That would be 9:00 pm my time would be 3:00 pm your time (only a day ahead of me), and I'm usually on around 3 hours. Maybe we'll catch each other sometime.

Today wasn't too bad, not unbearable anyway. I had a bad headache for most of the day, which I've learned is probably connected to the depression. It was hard to function, especially doing school, but I'm alright now.
Actually, the past couple of days have been a bit better, as far as emotions go. With the help of God and one of my friends, I realized something important. When I was little, God gave me dreams, and ever since then, I've been working to try to fulfill them. What I finally realized, was that making those dreams come true is not my job, it's God's. By making all of my plans, even with the good intention of doing His will, I was trying to limit God and was making myself miserable in the process. Now I'm pretty much back on square one when it comes to what I'm going to do with my life, or rather, what God's going to do with my life. It's overwhelming. These huge decisions in my life are all coming up so quickly. I no longer have any plans, and that's hard to let go of. I'm trying to trust God for all of the details. Right now I'm praying about the possibility of becoming a Christian youth counselor...to help people like me. It would be such an awesome way for my depression to work out for good, but it's God's decision, not mine.
Even with these realizations, the depression is still there. It doesn't matter what circumstances change- it will still be there. It's even there when I'm happy. Maybe someday, if I could get myself to ask for help, maybe it will be better then. I hope so. I dream of that day, but I wonder if it will come. Most people spend their lives waiting for someday, but mine is spent wondering if it exists.

 

[LostnFound]

Hidden, my heart is just bleeding for you. What you HAVE to understand is that clinical depression is a neurological disorder. A lot can be accomplished through therapy and faith, but if you have a chemical imbalance, you NEED meds to help straighten that out. I REALLY understand about not knowing what "normal" feels like anymore! Been there/ done that! When you go on the meds, and the RIGHT ones, your mind will suddenly open up and you will wonder how you were so low, before. The thing is...you don't have the right perspective while you're down in that black hole. Is there a school counselor, or even a public health department where you live that you could talk to? What state do you live in? I would be more than happy to help you find the right help, if you'd like.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Well, I do know that it is a neurological disorder...but that knowlege doesn't help me. I've done a lot of research, and I have nearly all the symptoms of clinical depression. Meds would probably help. There is no neutral person to talk to. My parents are wonderful. I just don't know if they would agree to any treatment of meds or counseling if I told them, and I can't tell them...

I do need help though. Yesterday afternoon, I intentionally hurt myself for the first time. I only used rubberbands, because I saw that as an alternative to cutting on the SI threads. The marks have lasted almost 24 hours though. I didn't think they would last that long. I have to wear long sleeves to hide them. I shouldn't have done it, I know that, but I did, and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop...

 

[TheMainException]

My sister...I agree...it is SO VERY hard to believe that there is purpose for all of this...I will always listen to you...please PM me sometime....I'll talk with you, listen to you, mentor you, advise you, pray with you via PM....I'm here for you...God has sent me and I will listen...don't let the pain keep you down. My love to you do I send, Lauren

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I don't know what to say...I just feel so stupid, ugly, and worthless. Those three words haunt me. I've been trying to fight back, and the past couple of days have been a little better, but I'm so tired of fighting...so tired. Nothing is simple anymore. Going to sleep, waking up, doing school- routine things, but they take effort. I can't hardly get to sleep at night, and I hate getting up in the mornings. In school, I can't concentrate. I just read the same things over and over, or I stare off into space. I get stressed about it easily too. Sometimes a page of questions looks insurmountable.
Besides just normal things, there is a lot of other pressure on me that I don't know what to do with. My mom's pushing me to get a job, I need to raise 5,000 dollars to go on a missions trip next fall, and Mom's constantly talking about the future and college and what routes I could take. She's very supportive of me, no matter what career path I talk about, but the pressure to do anything is just so hard right now. I can't hardly see tomorrow, never mind months and years in the future. I remember when I could...I had everything planned out. Now, I don't know what to do..I just don't know.
There are so many scenarios of what could happen if I tell, and I know that no matter who I tell, if I need professional help, it's going to go to my parents. Somehow, even in the best pictures, that just doesn't seem like it would help much, or even if it would help me, it wouldn't be good for the rest of the family.
I've tried trusting people and telling them, but I just get hurt. It's a paradox. It doesn't seem right to me that I should hold everything inside or that I should brace myself to get hurt by people, but there are so many times that it just seems for my sake and theirs, it'd be best not to say anything. I don't know what to do... I'm so tired of trying to deal with things, and some things I've just been so stressed about that I haven't done anything.
I SI'd several more times after my last post. I've been trying not too, and I haven't too much. Physical pain is just so much easier to go through than emotional pain for me. I know it doesn't really help...I guess grasping at straws feels better than nothing sometimes though. I wish there was someone here at home who could understand and still love me...someone who could get help, if there really is help.
Tonight...if I could cry, I would.
"God, why are you the only one I can ever turn to? Ever since I was just a child...I'm surrounded by people, but I am constantly alone. Is that the way it must stay? Is it just a lesson to learn that I must trust you and you alone...that you are all I need? Lord, I don't know what to do. I fail you, I fail my family and friends, and I fail myself, not just sometimes, but daily. I don't deserve someone to be here for me. I don't want to hurt them. Lord...what is your will?"

 

[mikeforjesus]

I dont know if I got ur email wrong but ur never on at 3:00 australian time (which is 9:00 mountain time) on yahoo messenger..


I have been through the exact same thing and felt the same pain u r experiencing now... but I still dont know what to tell u (poor me), except one thing God will bring you through it .. He will do this bit by bit everyday so u can learn heaps..

Solomon the wise said in the book of ecclesiastes "There is a time for evil and a time for good" It is a blessing to go through these times and go through them with God because when u come back to normal u get to see the blessings of God and goodness.
Someone used the analogy of a person who is on the 70 th floor of a building but never looked down... that person would never be able to know how high he is .
Theres more important things I want to tell u but it is probably better if I can do it bit by bit through a conversation. Im going to keep praying for your Peace.

God Bless!

 

[leigh01]

sweetie i feel like that evry day ive wrote 26 poems bout my feelings if you eva wana read them pm me you r very talented writer dont put it to waste

 

[mikeforjesus]

I was in a depression that cant even be bothered to write anything even my feelings.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

It hurts.


Today I cried a little. It was basically the first time in almost 2 years.

"I'm sorry, ok! I'm sorry I'm not the person anyone thinks I am or want me to be! I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment...I don't mean to be. If I could please you I would. I try. I'm just not good enough. You know that don't you? I see it in every look...I'm sorry." -just a little note to all the people in my life who will never read this anyway.

I don't want to be here, feeling this way. I don't know what to do, but after today, I know one thing. I am NOT telling my parents, especially my mom, anytime soon.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

For Annie- by Petra

No one ever noticed Annie weeping
People all around, but she was all alone
Mama's got her meetings, Daddy's got his job
and no one's got the time so Annie's on her own

No one ever knew her desperation
People couldn't hear her cry out silently
Locked inside the bathroom she grabs a jar of pills
The medicine that cures becomes the poison that kills

(Chorus)
And it's too late for Annie, she's gone away for good
There's so much we could tell her and now we wish we could
But it's too late, it's too late for Annie

Sadness fills the hearts of Annie's family
Daddy tries to comfort Mama uselessly
They hoped she knew they loved her, but they really didn't know
They just want to know why did their baby go

(2nd Chorus)
And it's too late for Annie, she's gone away for good
There's so much we could tell her and now we wish we could
We would tell her Jesus loves her, tell her Jesus cares
Tell her He can free her and her burdens bear
But it's too late, it's too late for Annie

If only we had known her situation,
We'd have tried to stop this useless tragedy
Annie's lost forever, never to be found
But there are lots of others like her all around

(3rd Chorus)
And it's not too late for Annie, she could be next to you
Don't miss the chance to tell her before her life is through
We gotta tell her Jesus loves her, tell her Jesus cares
Tell her He can free her and her burdens bear
Tell her Jesus loves her, tell her Jesus cares
Tell her He can free her and her burdens bear
You've got to tell her Jesus loves her, tell her Jesus cares
Tell her He can free her and her burdens bear
It's not too late


I know Annie. I am Annie. My friends are Annie. I listened to that song today with a friend of the family, and when it was over, he told me how it breaks him up every time he hears it because he's never quite gotten over his brother's suicide. Every time he thinks about it, it hurts. He doesn't know that I've struggled with suicidal thoughts and depression.
It's so hard. I know so many people struggling with depression and self harm and suicidal thoughts. I try to help them when I can, but it's kind of like someone with a broken arm trying to set someone else's broken arm. "Jesus, what am we supposed to do? You see this. You know what's going on in my life, and in the lives of all these other people. You love us, and you say that things will work out together for good to those who love you. Lord please...please...bring that good. Please reach out to everyone who is suffering with this right now God- every single one of you children, and draw them to you. Let them know you care. Show them their lives are precious enough that you gave up your life to spare them. Please God...help us."

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Ok...you know what? FORGET IT! Who cares? Maybe for a while I was pretending that I'm not just another statistic, but no more. What's the point. I am. I'm nothing, just another person in the millions of suffering. When I'm gone....so what? I'm sorry, you know? I really am...so sorry for everything. I'll try to keep fighting...try to keep breathing...but I can't do it for long. No one has to worry about it though....not that they would anyway. There are thousands of people out there, just like me. I'm no one special. No one has to miss me. No one has to respond to this. Hey...no worries though. I'm not going to die...no...suicide isn't an option for me anymore. I'm dying inside though. I can feel it. Oh, I'll still be alive, but not really. So if you should ever chance to see me someday, staring out in the distance with an empty look in my eyes...be happy for me allright? At least this will be over.


I want....I want to be different than this. This isn't me. But the person everyone else sees...well, that definitely isn't me either. I don't know who I am. Yeah...yeah I know- neither does anyone else my age right? No big deal. Only it is a big deal. It's a very big deal. Maybe I'm not any different from anyone else. I'm nothing special. But no one should have to feel this way. NO ONE. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
You know what's so hard about this? I love God, and I know He loves me. Somehow I even know that He wants what's best for me and will turn it out for good. I BELIEVE. I have faith in that. I even know that He can heal me. I know that I need to grow deeper in my walk with Him. If we were honest, all of us would say that. Maybe I haven't been doing as well as I should lately. Actually, I know I haven't. And if I'd been feeling so depressed for just the past few months, maybe I could believe that this is a spiritual problem, but 6 years? I don't think so. No...don't even try to tell me that. So many people have said it, "If you just had more faith, everything would be fine." Well, I honestly wish that were true. I do. At least then I would know what to do. Look at the Bible though! Goodness- what about Job? Come on people! He suffered hundreds of times more than I could ever imagine, yet he was a man of great faith! His friends told him the same thing though- "Repent, get right with God. If you only had more faith, God wouldn't let this happen." Well guess what? He was going through trials BECAUSE he was a man of faith! Here's another example- Paul. In 2 Corinthians 12, it talks about Paul having a "thorn in the flesh" and Paul asked God three times to take it away, but God said no. No one is going to accuse the apostle Paul of not having faith!