20 years of rejection in marriage I cannot commit to this life sentence any more

[randomheart]

My husband does not want me sexually. He was repulsed when I was pregnant. I feel betrayed and abandoned by him and by God and he is a lovely man and father to my children so I cannot admit to the seriousness of our problems to anyone at church, where he is loved and respected but I am finding my way into inaprropriate conversations with strange men just to feel wanted and not hideous and unloved. I wonder if it would be fairer to divorce once children are grown. He is my best friend, but I feel aroused and abandoned every night and hard to think straight. I have always wanted him, why would he marry me? He only wants sex at most once a month and in the last year we had sex four times only, year before twice. And he gets tired and stops. He doesn't drive far or have a difficult job and life is stable for him. I am so sad, I cannot believe God wants us to live this way. i judged my friend harshly when she left her husband of two years for this reason, but now I think I was the one who made a mistake throwing my life and love away on someone so cold. Its not just no sex. I see other men touch their wife's arm or hug her or blow her a kiss. I get nothing. He had a porn addiction, but now that has gone underground as he has a phone he will not be without I don't know if he has another woman (he is too cowardly to speak his feelings so Idoubt it) or its just hidden but I don't want him now, I want a real man to love me.

 

[johndoo]

So, clearly, some of this is selfishness on his part.
If he is God-fearing, then there is hope that a Christian counselor could point this out to him and he would receive instruction.
Because you say that he is cowardly, it is unclear how he would respond in counseling.
He may fear the fallout in divorce and be willing to make changes based on the personal and religious implications of what divorce will mean for him.
It is a more complicated subject if he has some views that are askew regarding the female body, something that he finds repulsive about pregnancy and something that he is fixated on via internet viewing.

If he refuses to go to counseling with you then go for yourself. A sexless marriage can be very hard on your self esteem and even be factor in depression.

 

[Rescued One]

You say he is loved and respected at church. People can fool others. It happens all the time. He is sinning unless he physically can't have sex. I suggest marriage counseling. Give him a choice: divorce or marriage counseling. Given that this is such a serious situation, I would not want to see a male counselor alone.

1 Corinthians 7:5 KJV
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

1 Corinthians 7:5 Holman Christian Standard Bible
5 Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'll pray for you both.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Pretty common topic on here, lack of sex from a spouse. Have you ever gotten counseling/help together about these issues? What about your pastor? A pastor can be fooled by what your husband acts like but maybe you should tell him whats going on. Or maybe find help elsewhere. I'm assuming you two are at least around 40 since you said you've been married 20 years?

I also know porn can mess your head up when it comes to sex. I know first hand, it gave me an unrealistic idea on what sex was for many years. Have you asked him if you could check his phone? You could always look at it while he sleeps. If he says he doesn't want you to see it then I'd wager hes hiding something. Though some say "Its about privacy and trust!", its not about that. Your married, for 20 years now. Marriage is about yours is mine and mine is yours. If you want to keep your phone away from the person whos suppose to trust you most, then your hiding something. Now the lack of sex for 20 years could be him or maybe it could be hes still looking at porn. Could be getting his "jollies" somewhere else, hence he doesn't bother with you.

One thing I would say until you have any proof, I wouldn't divorce just over sex. Sex is part of marriage, a good part of course. But its not all there is. My sex life isn't that great but I never thought of leaving my wife. I know this all depends on the person but have you just thought about "relieving" yourself alone? I mean I'd ask him about it first because the other person should really know about it.

 

[archer75]

@randomheart , this kind of thing is not easy. And such a long time.

It sounds like you have been bearing quite a burden and I hope you will talk to a trusted professional -- a pastor, a counselor, a marriage counselor. That won't magically fix everything, but it could help to reduce from the pressure you feel.

 

[Dave-W]

I am not sure which folder it is in, but I recently had a discussion on Matt 19.8 where it is said that divorce was allowed for hard hearts:

He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.

And people have said that no christian today has a hard heart. They have even went so far as to dismiss the warnings in Hebrews against hardening the heart as being addressed to unbelievers.

It is the fact that people keep posting threads like this that have me convinced that born again Christians can have some of the hardest hearts in existence.

 

[randomheart]

Thanks for your replies. I have developed depression and anxiety this year over other issues but the effect of antidepressants has been to make my libido which had quietly died into a raging fire. I had been able to cope but now I feel attracted to men I had never noticed before and still rejected by my husband. I am at risk of straying I Don't know what to do. My children prevent extreme behaviours but I am tormented

 

[Dave-W]

the effect of antidepressants has been to make my libido which had quietly died into a raging fire.

They can do that. "Sexual Side-effects" is one of the listings on most anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and psychotropic drugs. In most cases it makes libido drop to zero. But in a small minority of cases it has the opposite effect. (which is why they don't say what KIND of side effect)

Talk to your doctor about that to see if they can sub out a different drug that may not do that.

 

[archer75]

I personally think you should seek a physical outlet that doesn't involve 'straying' and an emotional outlet that doesn't involve exposimg this to your community if you fear that. Maybe this will help you to get your head together with minimal risk.

Edit: I did NOT mean "hey just stick it out forever". I just meant that this might be a first step without doing anything that could cause you worse trouble.

 

[Angeldove97]

I'm sure you are already doing so, but pray for him. I mean intense daily - multiple times a day- prayer for him. Don't pray to God about how you want your husband to change, but instead focus on praying with the intent that you want God to cover your husband with Spirit so that he can be the very best husband to you. Keep at it - this may take time, but you may also be helping him through your prayers.

You may want to just abandon this marriage, but this time is a rough spot. Prayer the right way can do amazing things.

While you are praying for him, also pray for yourself. That your own eyes and heart are opened to see what you can do to be a better wife.

Hubby and I are going through similar things - although not as extreme as your situation. God is changing my heart to see new ways to love and cherish my husband and I can see a change in my husband's heart too. It's very good and I keep praying about this.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Feeling unwanted by a spouse is a terrible feeling that can affect your self-worth. I understand how it is sparking some desire to stray.

There could be many reasons for the way your husband is. Porn, low testosterone, low sex-drive in general, some shame surrounding sex that was ingrained in him during childhood. Counseling may help, if he's willing. I pray that your situation improves.

At this point, I would force the conversation. He might find it "uncomfortable," but he has been making you feel undesirable for years. He can deal with an uncomfortable conversation, after all that you've been through. I have sympathy for him if he has a legitimate medical or psychological issue, but he owes it to you to work on it and find a solution.

 

[Blade]

randomheart....the song playing is by NF "Oh Lord on"Therapy Session"..

I have to say 1st.. I hate doing this. Well it always brings to light what is in my life..like yours but much worse. What the answer is .. love..forgive. This LOVE is not about ME ME ME. Its about her. Not me. My love for her .. if all she ever did was anger hate.. sex..never.. I will love her. Its a love I never had... oh to be wanted to be seen..on and on.. I know those thoughts very well....as true as they are and fair to ask.. this is not about me and what I want and need. WOW Jesus so fits in this huh. He loves and look how we show Him through out our lifes. He wakes up with us..goes through out the day with us.. then when we fall asleep and.. you think YOU/ME dont get noticed?

In my over 30y of married and its been is far worse then most. Yet.. in any fight it always takes two. You need to go talk to someone. You need to bring to light the PORN if its there. And never ever run with doubt thoughts. See if my wife was looking at porn.. I would say..that stops now. Were going to go talk to someone I want to save this marriage. Its porn or me period. <---the end is my flesh talking. See I know my Father about Israel...talking about His love for her.. stood in line as she (Israel) sold her self to others ..He stood in line to PAY for her back and took her back.. wow.. knowing she was with others.. to love her.

I know your pain so well.. Jesus.. is the only answer. But its a choice YOU have to make 1st. Where I am right now would never have worked if I expected her to change 1st or I would not. No.. it came by me loving her in the middle of all that darkness so to speak.. no sex .. you name it. This love came from Him for her that I didnt have. And I am so blessed to love her for her and never get a thing..I love my Father.. I love my friend my brother my savior my GOD more then this life. I am not here for me. This is NOT what I had planned and I did give up my life for this. I got in this.. I made the choice to marry her. Have two boys. What Jesus show'd me is.. love is never thinking of your self. Since I am just a man .. the pain?... To please Him.. means more then what I want.. I just wish I had had this 25y ago...Jesus is REAL..to me. Not just some guy God that came and died and rose and if I believe I live forever.

See He gave me a love for her.. I didnt have. I cant tell you.. how much it hurts to hear "I want a real man to love me" Just swap man for woman. Now again this is looking with FLESH and I HAVE to by pass JESUS to even think this. That is so hard now.. HE IS REAL! He gives you makes up for WOW ALL! Come on.. Jesus is real so when YOU make a choice to love and take NOTHING.. GOD MOVES! But it comes by FAITH! You have to KNOW He is real and loves you and do it for HIM never for you..for your spouse not you..

And when you do this.. you find ..your spouse will change. This love is REAL! And they will WANT YOU and not even know why ..but a joy a love .. oh man TURN TO RUN TO HIM! Yeah.. so many times she has done things she never has.. I never spoke a word..just loved her.. just the way she was..if it was to be like that forever.. PRAISE GOD! See WHAT is love? Thats what I hold on to.. Love is the OTHER..never me. To give and never expect back.. WOW..its not like the world.

Sis.. praying for you.. tell JESUS the love you want.. and let HIM love you..

 

[Goatee]

I strayed and committed adultery for similar reasons. Dont!

Stay faithful whatever happens! Adultery is not worth it. Seek Gods guidance. Pray hard and faithfully. Turn to God 100%.

 

[J's Husband]

My husband does not want me sexually. He was repulsed when I was pregnant. I feel betrayed and abandoned by him and by God and he is a lovely man and father to my children so I cannot admit to the seriousness of our problems to anyone at church, where he is loved and respected but I am finding my way into inaprropriate conversations with strange men just to feel wanted and not hideous and unloved. I wonder if it would be fairer to divorce once children are grown. He is my best friend, but I feel aroused and abandoned every night and hard to think straight. I have always wanted him, why would he marry me? He only wants sex at most once a month and in the last year we had sex four times only, year before twice. And he gets tired and stops. He doesn't drive far or have a difficult job and life is stable for him. I am so sad, I cannot believe God wants us to live this way. i judged my friend harshly when she left her husband of two years for this reason, but now I think I was the one who made a mistake throwing my life and love away on someone so cold. Its not just no sex. I see other men touch their wife's arm or hug her or blow her a kiss. I get nothing. He had a porn addiction, but now that has gone underground as he has a phone he will not be without I don't know if he has another woman (he is too cowardly to speak his feelings so Idoubt it) or its just hidden but I don't want him now, I want a real man to love me.

Have you initiated sex talk with him to see what turns him on? Have you tried waking him up sexually? Have you massaged him and allowed it to advance from there? Have you two gone to counseling? If not, that's something that needs to happen and you should not take no for an answer...just schedule it and tell him when it is. He'll fight it, but you need to get him there. Have you hurt him before? If so, that could explain the distancing. Even if it was emotional, he can withdraw. Are you sure he's not cheating? Just some things to think about. Pray and ask God to heal your relationship...don't give up on your marriage.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

My husband does not want me sexually....he is a lovely man ... He is my best friend, but I feel aroused and abandoned every night and hard to think straight.

I recommend you pray for a clear perspective. Such strong feelings can result in confusion and the inability to see things as they really are. A small lack of attention can appear to be huge rejection. I'm not saying this is true in your case. But it isn't uncommon. This then leads to re-interpreting your entire history together.

He only wants sex at most once a month and in the last year we had sex four times only, year before twice. And he gets tired and stops.

Think carefully - does he really get tired? Or is he, too, feeling rejected during the act?

Its not just no sex. I see other men touch their wife's arm or hug her or blow her a kiss. I get nothing.

Even if you haven't said anything to him about what you're going through, he would be a moron not to pick up on it. Has he tried to talk about whats troubling you? Its hard to be comfortable and affectionate if you think your wife hates you. If he resorts to porn as a hideaway comfort, then it just gets worse.

Does he seem uneasy around you all the time - as if you have just had an argument? If yes, then you've been having a body-language based war for years. Its no wonder you aren't close.

I don't want him now, I want a real man to love me.

One spouse "rejecting" the other doesnt just happen. A lack of communication, atentativeness, and honesty snowballs over time. Depression makes it worse. You feel slighted by him for not showing enough attention, he feels like a failure. Do this enough times and he will feel that the security of the relationship is crumbling. He'll walk around on egg shells which you may interpret as him being even more distant and inattentive. All warmth leaves and both partners are convinced that the other hates them. All due to a lack of communication and too much self-insecurity.

 

[LinkH]

My advice would be not to make any rash decisions based on advice you get from these forums, since they don't know what is going on from your husband's perspective.

Going to your church for help seems like a good first step. Maybe they could talk him into counseling.

 

[roamer_1]

My husband does not want me sexually. He was repulsed when I was pregnant. I feel betrayed and abandoned by him and by God and he is a lovely man and father to my children so I cannot admit to the seriousness of our problems to anyone at church, where he is loved and respected but I am finding my way into inaprropriate conversations with strange men just to feel wanted and not hideous and unloved. I wonder if it would be fairer to divorce once children are grown. He is my best friend, but I feel aroused and abandoned every night and hard to think straight. I have always wanted him, why would he marry me? He only wants sex at most once a month and in the last year we had sex four times only, year before twice. And he gets tired and stops. He doesn't drive far or have a difficult job and life is stable for him. I am so sad, I cannot believe God wants us to live this way. i judged my friend harshly when she left her husband of two years for this reason, but now I think I was the one who made a mistake throwing my life and love away on someone so cold. Its not just no sex. I see other men touch their wife's arm or hug her or blow her a kiss. I get nothing. He had a porn addiction, but now that has gone underground as he has a phone he will not be without I don't know if he has another woman (he is too cowardly to speak his feelings so Idoubt it) or its just hidden but I don't want him now, I want a real man to love me.

From the other side of the divide, a soul with exactly the same dilemma, would speak to you from the other side of divorce and say, divorce destroys far more than it fixes. My life has been a long and rocky road, and if there is anything at all in it that I would change in a heartbeat, my answer would be to have remained married - If not for myself, then for my children and grandchildren.

I fought it with everything in my being, and lost. 25 years, gone like a nuclear bomb went off. The hole in our family is immense, in ways you probably have not, and cannot even consider. It is a grim business, but I would advise to do absolutely anything and everything you can to preserve it.