2 1/2 years

[servant4ever]

Hello everybody,

Somebody sent me a PM suggesting that maybe if I post in here I would get more responses.

For 2 1/2 years, since June 14, 2001, is the day I will never forget, or should I say June 13? The reason why I say this is because June 14 is when my grandmother passed away from cancer that came back and was found a few days before she died. The thing I regret the most is the day before she died I got to see her in her hospital room. She was so excited to see me, I was probably her closest grandchild, even though she would do anything for all 7 of us grandchildren, and I could tell she wanted me to say something to her. I was just so shocked how sick she looked, my grandma can't look like that, she is always healthy, and even if she is sick, she hides the sickness away. She needs to get out of bed so she can come give me a hug. I want you to see me walk across the stage for graduation since you helped raise me. Anyways, I didn't say anything to her the next five minutes because of shocked I was, I wanted to but nothing came out of my mouth. Then, the nurse came in to take her blood, my grandma's joy to see me turned into hopelessness and disappointment. She ended up turning for the worse that second because the nurse said that she would be in a lot of pain when she took some blood. She died the next day. I never got to say goodbye to her. The last thing I said to her was goodbye grandma, and I said it so sarcastically because I was really annoyed with her for some reason, probably something so dumb and childish.

I have tried several ways to get rid of the pain, as I should call it. I have tried to hide it for the first 4 weeks, then I tried the crying stuff in private, since I am a guy, guys can't cry, so I had to do it in private, then I hid it for another year, then I cried on my graduation day, it would have been a lot better if my grandma was there, I went to a Christian school and her gravesite was down the block from the church my school was located. I have been back to the hiding phase the last half of a year, and today while listening to the radio I heard her favorite song and I have been literally crying inside all day, and on occasion crying outwardly.

How do you get rid of this grieving pain? I have tried to go to counselors and all I do is feel worse for what I did to my grandma. If I didn't disappoint her that day, she would be alive today and want to see me in college and becoming a pastor someday.

servant4ever

 

[GreenEyedLady]

Servent

Please do not feel guilt because you did not say the right thing. What this the first time exposed to losing a loved one? If so, the shock you expierienced is normal and also the aggervation. you did not want to lose her and that probally aggervated you.
As far as the grief goes, stop trying to hold it in. My husband is a very strong man, but he cries more than I do. I wish I could cry more. It releases the pain of the grief.
You cannot "get rid" of the grief pain, however it will lessen over time. And there will come a day where God will strenthen you and you will be refreshed again. You might want to pray and ask the holy spirit to search your heart, and put this in a suitcase and hand it to God and ask HIM to take it for you. That has helped with me alot.
I just lost my mother in August and it just seems like now it is hitting me. I didn't think it would be as hard as losing my daughter, but I was wrong.
Stay in the Word
Linda

 

[servant4ever]

Hello Greeneyelady,

This was not the first death I have experienced. The first family death I experienced was my great uncle, who I was pretty close with, I was I think 9-10. The second experience would be my great grandmother, who I was really close with also, I was 13. It did not effect me nearly as much as my grandmother's death. I know my grandma would have been the proudest lady in the world to see me graduate. She was actually the person that made my parents allow me to attend the Christian High school. She even had my grandpa pay for my tuition the first year. And what do I do for thanks? I don't say one thing to her the last day she was alive. If I told her at least that I loved her, I would have probably given her hope to stay alive, which would mean she would be alive today and to be visiting me here at college. WHY DID I NOT SAY ANYTHING??? This is so pathetic, a Christian not being compassionate enough to tell your grandmother that you loved her. I have to go now, getting upset agian....

servant4ever

 

[GreenEyedLady]

I am sorry you are upset. But I can tell your thoughts are not established right now.
Our days are numbered. Only God knows that day. Do you really think that your words would be powerful enough to keep the will of God at bay? I hope I am not comming across the wrong way.
As yourself this, What would she want now? I mean, what now? If you keep asking why you will keep yourself standing in the jorney of grief instead of walking in it. Akd the Lord WHAT NOW??????? What can happen because of her death could save souls, be a tesimony to thousands, could lead you to where you never thought God would lead you. Take His hand and walk.
I am sorry if I have upset you. I am trying to encourage you to look at this from a differant perspective. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Ask HIM...........What now Lord?
Love and blessings to you
GEL

 

[servant4ever]

Hello GEL,

You are not making me more upset, I just can't believe I did that horrible of a thing. WHy didn't I just say something to my grandma, like I loved her??? See, the thing is, I wish I spent more time with her the last year she was alive. The Saturday before she died, I decided to be outside messing with my 9-year-old cousin, where they could have been just fine playing outside by themself, and I should have been in the living room with her to keep her company. She was all alone. Later that afternoon she collapsed and I ended up having to call 911. I should have been there with her. If I was with her that whole day, she probably wouldn't have collapsed. It is all my fault she is dead. If I was there for her, I would have given her a hope to keep on living, but she didn't and just gave up fighting the cancer. I cared more about my own dumb self rather than others. I am such a pathetic Christian.

servant4ever

 

[Stanfi]

servant4ever,

I think when we lose someone as we get older, that it is harder. We realize how important these people are to our lives.

I lost my paternal grandfather when I was 26. He was the first person that I was close to that I had ever lost as an adult. He was one of those people that you could believe that would live forever. He had always been there taking care of things.

I didn't realize how important he was to me until he died, so much of who I am today is due to his influence on me. I regretted so many things that I said or did not say to him. I felt like such a selfish idiot.

However, I realized that there was nothing I could do. What was done was done. I just had to forgive myself, and take the lesson I learned from the experience and use it to make me a better person for those I come into contact with in the future.

You simply need to do the same. I no longer condemn myself, but I am truly thankful for the time I got to spend with my grandfather and everything that I learned from him.

 

[servant4ever]

stace,

The thing is, I lost pretty close mentors after my grandmother's death. I was not effected as much as my grandma did. It was just my fault that I didn't say anything. I wish I would have just told her I loved her. I wish I would have just been with her a lot more. I wish I called 911 faster. It was all my fault that she had no hope to try to battle this cancer inside of her. Gotta go, getting uspset agin

servantever

 

[Salsa_1960]

Servant4ever,

If you believe in heaven, and if you believe that your grandmother is in heaven, then that last day you had with her here on earth wasn't really the last time you had to talk with her. It isn't too late to still tell her that you love her.

Maybe she can or can't hear you if you talk to her right now, but this is what I do when I'm really feeling the loss of my daughter. (I did it just tonight). When I'm praying, sometimes I say to God, would you please pass on a message to my daughter for me and tell her that I love her? Or would you give Jennifer a big hug for me tonight?

Now I realize that heaven might not work exactly as I imagine that it does, but God understands my needs and if not today, I know that someday I'll be able to tell my daugther again that I love her. I believe you'll be able to do the same with your grandmother. Hold onto that thought.

~Sandy

 

[Breetai]

Mind if I cut in?

Servant, when you were playing with your nine-year-old cousin, I'll bet anything that it made your grandmother happy. I know that my grandparents are very concerned about their family, and that they get along. They are very happy to know how were are doing and that we are happy with each other. You grandmother must've been very proud to have such a good grandson to play with his cousin! You weren't caring only about your self, you were also caring about your cousin

People die all the time. How could you have know exactly when it was her turn? The best part about everything, is that your grandmother isn't suffering from cancer any longer! Isn't that awesome!? She's in paradise! Death is not even close to an end. It is better then this life. Your grandmother has no more sorrow or pain, and neither will you one day. Soon enough, you will see her again. What a blessed meeting it will be for you both! The scary part about life, is that not everyone knows that Jesus can save them. One of the things that keeps me going everyday, is knowing that there is a possibility that God can use me to bring people to him. What a great thing to live for! Instead of grieving, I say rejoice! Rejoice that your grandmother is the type of lady that would make sure that you went to a Christian school. She is with Christ! Rejoice that you have the opperturnity to bring others to Jesus! Rejoice!

 

[servant4ever]

Hello Sandy,

I am a born-again Christian. I do believe in Heaven and that she is in Heaven. I don't think that we can talk to people in heaven because a verse in Deuteronomy states that we can not talk to the dead (sorry if this upsets you). But, the thing is, if I gave her hope to live, she could be leading many more people to Christ, which those people could have led many people to Christ. It would have been possible that 500,000 people could have been saved if I told my grandmother that I loved her. She new many non-Christians. At her funeral, there were probably 5-600 people, the largest funeral ever in my church's 150 year history, and 350-400 of them were not born-again Christians. I am the one responsible for the souls that will be lost.

servant4ever

 

[Salsa_1960]

Well, my point is still that you can at sometime (in eternity) tell her that you love her-- because you will one day see her again.

As for her not continuing to lead more people to Christ, perhaps this was simply her time. There are so many "ifs" in this world. My daughter died in a traffic accident. She was riding to school and was hit by a truck. If I had gotten her off to school earlier, the accident would never have happened, (but she was running late that day and I didn't rush her along). There are a few more "ifs" that I won't go into. I could find all sorts of ways to blame myself for her death, but what good would it do me? It won't bring her back.

Perhaps you could turn the situation around and rather than saying, "She could have done so much more but her life came to an end too soon," you can say "I can pick up where my grandmother left off."

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
​

There is a song by Steve Green that was popular about 10 or 15 years ago called "Find Us Faithful." It seems to fit what I'm saying. In this case, you would be the one "coming behind" your grandmother (she having been "faithful").

Find Us Faithful
We're pilgrims on the journey
Of the narrow road
And those who've gone before us line the way
Cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary
Their lives a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace

Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
Let us run the race not only for the prize
But as those who've gone before us
Let us leave to those behind us
The heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

After all our hopes and dreams have come and gone
And our children sift though all we've left behind
May the clues that they discover and the memories they uncover
Become the light that leads them to the road we each must find

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
​

 

[childofgrace]

Thank you very much for sharing such painful things from your heart. I have been following your threads and because I am new was wondering what had brought about the tremendous struggles you are undergoing.

My heart goes out to you for all you have been through.

Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful woman and you were fortunate to be as close with her as you were. I am sure she was very proud of you and would have loved to have watched you as you grow and mature.

I agree with the advice about looking for a grief support group. You definately have some issues stemming from her passing that you need to talk out with people who are experiencing similar situations.

I am praying that God will show you a pathway through the darkness that is enveloping you right now.

Kirk

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Man, when its time to go it's time to go. Here are my thoughts...it sounds like she went pretty fast. That's better than having to be the living dead for 6 months or so.
Also, she had lived life. Most of the people I know who are dead never made it to 20. I boy we knew from church just died last week at around 16. I'm tired of out living people when I'm only 31. I'm tired of seeing precious kids that I love die. I've been tired of that for a long time. Your grandmother lived her life and it was time for her to go home. Death isn't very considerate. It doesn't wait for us to voice our last words. It just happens. If you could go back and do it over again, of course you would have done things differently. You and everyone else.

I remember when I saw my dad in ICU after heart surgery. I almost fainted. That was the freakiest thing I have ever seen.

You are responsible for no one's soul but your own, and you gave it to God.

One's greatness I think is sometimes measured by the number of people at the funeral. Your grandmother's life may have continued evangelizing as people sat through the service.

So don't worry about work not done or not finished. Her work here is done. God called her home for what was probably a much needed vacation.
Now the torch is passed on.

 

[servant4ever]

Mr. Cheese,

You just don't understand, it is my fault. I should have said something. The moment she turned for the worse was when I didn't say anything. I should have said something, and she would be here today. Instead, I have to go visit her gravesite to even be somewhat "close" to her. I had to go there alone on Memorial Day last year, my parents were out of town and they told me to buy some flowers for the gravesite for the family. That was the hardest thing to do. I had to do it alone, and I had no idea what I was doing since I am only 19. I ended up standing out there for 30 minutes sobbing, people were looking at me, it was so weird. If I said something, I wouldn't have to be in that situation. I should have said somethign to my grandma. What kind of Christian am I if I can't even tell her I loved her? If I told her I loved her, she would probably still be alive. The cancer would have been gone because she would have some hope knowing her grandson loved her. I never showed her I loved her. I was a pathetic grandchild. I was the first grandchild to get a spanking from my grandmother, I should have known better not to do that act that got me in trouble. Why did I have to disappoint her so much? Why didn't I just be nice to her to make her life better? She always made my life better, but I never helped her out. And the thing is, I am starting to treat my parents the same wya.

i'm gtting upset,m don't want to thik about this anmore

servant4ever

 

[Mr.Cheese]

A lot of people go after they get the last thing the wanted. Maybe she wanted to see you for one last time.

When its time to go, it's time to go. Whether you're young, old, healthy or sick.

Man, you need to take it easy on yourself.

 

[servant4ever]

Mr. Cheese,

All my grandma wanted to see is my family be united. She never got to see that. It is my fault she is not alive. I need to take responsibility for that. I go, upselet

sernt4er

 

[Jesusfreekwanabe]

eeeee , will i did not read ALL of the replies .

but id like to throw in my "2 cents"

servant , if God talks to us on earth how much in more heaven ? .
God is omnipresent he can see your life and testomney to him by how u live .

he also knows your heart , down to every loveing tender depth every crak and cranny . , and when u ask for thease things dose he not give them to u , it is his Joy
he wants to bless u like asowme! !
how much more so in Heaven ?

do not let u mind be confined to this world .

of your grandma asks " angle ( or simply God Him self ) how is my grandson doing " and it is a desier of her Heart , will he not give it to her ? will he give her gold instead , when God knowing her heart she would trade all the gold in heaven to know ur alive and well ?

Dear firned He will tell her Just how u feel he will even make mention of all your preyers . and every ounce of reptence . they will sit like a father and his doughter and speak of a son who has gone to a far away country.
He will wipe a way every tear my firned . rest ashured that Your Grand ma knows exaclty how u feel . dont let your self think that she dosent know , she knows evething that God has told her , yout wife , your children . and if your grandma even asked to see your gradiation , from afar God did let her see . she was there Just like God is . i bet she has Got it on veido tape ( God being the only source of knolage and full athrorty to whom it gose )

be a peace in the Lord Jesus Christ , Your grandma has not lost touch w/ you .
Peace