16 Years of a dead marriage

[CallMePoP]

Hello all,
I am new.
I honestly am not looking for answers... there arent any, rather a place to vent. I am in a low stage of morale during my endless journey and sometimes I just need a place to go.
I am married to a semi nice, introverted woman. She is a good mother and her and I do well logistically keeping the house going and raising our kids.
That is our relationship and that is all it is.... a logistical partnership.
I have been through many phases of prayer and discussion with her about investing ourselves in marriage... for one day the kids will be gone and it will just be us again.
She feels nothing. She is completely content for us to simply exist near each other and not really have any spiritual, emotional or physical bond.
I, on the other hand, crave all 3 of these things.... and I feel alone, dry, and trapped.
I totally accept that you, as strangers, might question my support of her.. my role around the house... my role as a father... how well I take care of and present myself to her.
I have been down every road until I run into the inevitable wall that she doesnt want to be alone... and she doesnt want to be a wife.
So I look at options... do I leave her.. wreck the lives of my children and risk displeasing our Lord Jesus? Not really an option.
Prayer... I go before Jesus constantly asking Him what I need to learn or do to find relief from this. I know that true joy comes from the Lord but how do I let Him fill this? I dont know how to let go of my desire to have a strong relationship with a woman and let Jesus fill every need. He, after all, created these needs in me so I get lost in the gray areas of how God designed marriage and letting him fill me in spite of it.
Alone, frurstrated and trapped.. I wake up each day knowing there is zero hope except for God to do a work in her.... and will He?... if she has no interest in changing?
For all the whining I am doing... I am extremely blessed in every other area of my life. My children are wonderful (though I worry about them seeing this dry example of marriage).
I think often that God keeps me here to keep me close to Him... for if I had happiness in marriage I may devote too much of myself to making my wife happy instead of worshiping him... I dont know if this is true or not.
So.. thank you for letting me type this. I dont know who will even want to read such a depressing tale and its okay if people dont, it feels better just to let it out somewhere.
16 years of being left on the shelf, aging.. rotting.. wanting to invest myself into a life long relationship but only being wanted for chores, protection and the occasional shoulder to cry on when shes upset.
I stay for my Lord... who hates divorce; for my kids, who need a family unit; and for the hope that if I dont give in to selfishness... perhaps the Lord will be pleased with me.
Pray for me... im exhausted and empty.

 

[Clare73]

Perhaps a counselor could help you discover her "love language."

 

[chevyontheriver]

Hello all,
I am new.
I honestly am not looking for answers... there arent any, rather a place to vent. I am in a low stage of morale during my endless journey and sometimes I just need a place to go.
I am married to a semi nice, introverted woman. She is a good mother and her and I do well logistically keeping the house going and raising our kids.
That is our relationship and that is all it is.... a logistical partnership.
I have been through many phases of prayer and discussion with her about investing ourselves in marriage... for one day the kids will be gone and it will just be us again.
She feels nothing. She is completely content for us to simply exist near each other and not really have any spiritual, emotional or physical bond.
I, on the other hand, crave all 3 of these things.... and I feel alone, dry, and trapped.
I totally accept that you, as strangers, might question my support of her.. my role around the house... my role as a father... how well I take care of and present myself to her.
I have been down every road until I run into the inevitable wall that she doesnt want to be alone... and she doesnt want to be a wife.
So I look at options... do I leave her.. wreck the lives of my children and risk displeasing our Lord Jesus? Not really an option.
Prayer... I go before Jesus constantly asking Him what I need to learn or do to find relief from this. I know that true joy comes from the Lord but how do I let Him fill this? I dont know how to let go of my desire to have a strong relationship with a woman and let Jesus fill every need. He, after all, created these needs in me so I get lost in the gray areas of how God designed marriage and letting him fill me in spite of it.
Alone, frurstrated and trapped.. I wake up each day knowing there is zero hope except for God to do a work in her.... and will He?... if she has no interest in changing?
For all the whining I am doing... I am extremely blessed in every other area of my life. My children are wonderful (though I worry about them seeing this dry example of marriage).
I think often that God keeps me here to keep me close to Him... for if I had happiness in marriage I may devote too much of myself to making my wife happy instead of worshiping him... I dont know if this is true or not.
So.. thank you for letting me type this. I dont know who will even want to read such a depressing tale and its okay if people dont, it feels better just to let it out somewhere.
16 years of being left on the shelf, aging.. rotting.. wanting to invest myself into a life long relationship but only being wanted for chores, protection and the occasional shoulder to cry on when shes upset.
I stay for my Lord... who hates divorce; for my kids, who need a family unit; and for the hope that if I dont give in to selfishness... perhaps the Lord will be pleased with me.
Pray for me... im exhausted and empty.

Blessings on you. I feel your pain. That said, I don't have an answer.

I wonder why intimacy is a problem in so many marriages. I wonder if it's not so many years of saying 'no' to intimacy and then being unable to adapt to the situation where intimacy is suddenly expected, desired, and truly good.

 

[tturt]

Really sorry you're in this situation.

Encourage you to watch "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evans, Marriage Today, which as 98.4k followers. He has several decades of counseling experience. A lot is on YT. More importantly, all of his teachings are Biblically based.

 

[CallMePoP]

Perhaps a counselor could help you discover her "love language."

Its a good thought but I spent the first 10 years relentlessly trying different approaches to all 5. I have tried to get us to different people for counseling.. both together and separate. She does not want to participate.

 

[Clare73]

Its a good thought but I spent the first 10 years relentlessly trying different approaches to all 5. I have tried to get us to different people for counseling.. both together and separate. She does not want to participate.

This is really difficult, but when it's all "saucered and blowed," God is your provision.

The only response is to pray that he be so for you.

 

[tturt]

Been thinking about this thread.

In "God's Prescription Book," written by a Christian neurosurgeon, Dr Avery Jackson, there is a chapter on laughter. He makes himself laugh 10 times a day. Our bodies can't distinguish between an authentic and fake laughter. Among other benefits, a merry heart (Pro 17:22) improves our immune system.

Would make sure my diet was really healthy.

Also, would ramp up praises to our Lord.

 

[Endeavourer]

How often do you go on dates? What do your dates typically look like and how often?

 

[Sword68]

Hello all,
I am new.
I honestly am not looking for answers... there arent any, rather a place to vent. I am in a low stage of morale during my endless journey and sometimes I just need a place to go.
I am married to a semi nice, introverted woman. She is a good mother and her and I do well logistically keeping the house going and raising our kids.
That is our relationship and that is all it is.... a logistical partnership.
I have been through many phases of prayer and discussion with her about investing ourselves in marriage... for one day the kids will be gone and it will just be us again.
She feels nothing. She is completely content for us to simply exist near each other and not really have any spiritual, emotional or physical bond.
I, on the other hand, crave all 3 of these things.... and I feel alone, dry, and trapped.
I totally accept that you, as strangers, might question my support of her.. my role around the house... my role as a father... how well I take care of and present myself to her.
I have been down every road until I run into the inevitable wall that she doesnt want to be alone... and she doesnt want to be a wife.
So I look at options... do I leave her.. wreck the lives of my children and risk displeasing our Lord Jesus? Not really an option.
Prayer... I go before Jesus constantly asking Him what I need to learn or do to find relief from this. I know that true joy comes from the Lord but how do I let Him fill this? I dont know how to let go of my desire to have a strong relationship with a woman and let Jesus fill every need. He, after all, created these needs in me so I get lost in the gray areas of how God designed marriage and letting him fill me in spite of it.
Alone, frurstrated and trapped.. I wake up each day knowing there is zero hope except for God to do a work in her.... and will He?... if she has no interest in changing?
For all the whining I am doing... I am extremely blessed in every other area of my life. My children are wonderful (though I worry about them seeing this dry example of marriage).
I think often that God keeps me here to keep me close to Him... for if I had happiness in marriage I may devote too much of myself to making my wife happy instead of worshiping him... I dont know if this is true or not.
So.. thank you for letting me type this. I dont know who will even want to read such a depressing tale and its okay if people dont, it feels better just to let it out somewhere.
16 years of being left on the shelf, aging.. rotting.. wanting to invest myself into a life long relationship but only being wanted for chores, protection and the occasional shoulder to cry on when shes upset.
I stay for my Lord... who hates divorce; for my kids, who need a family unit; and for the hope that if I dont give in to selfishness... perhaps the Lord will be pleased with me.
Pray for me... im exhausted and empty.

Hello, CallmePop

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings on what’s going on in your marriage. I know it hurts and each day, while you wake hoping things will be different, they don’t change.
I don’t have any answer other than to do what you’re doing: don’t give up, keep praying, and being present for your wife and kids. Maybe one day in Gods timing He will make a way and change things.

Now I give this same advise to myself. I’m on my second marriage (first one ended after 27 yrs with a blind side divorce). I have 4 adult children from the prior marriage and my wife has an adult daughter also from her prior marriage. We love and accept each others kids. After a tough “getting to know them “ stage all the way around and on both sides. We’ve been together 6 years: 1 dating/engaged and married 5. I guess I have a little “bonus “ because I knew my wife a long time before we were married. We served together 20+ years ago in the service, both moved on with life, divorces and on. When i divorced in 2018 i embraced social media to reconnect with old friends and prior service members i served with and she (current wife popped up), started talking and here we are!
With this detailed background i can now dive in: very often in our relationship my wife pushes away intimacy—anything beyond handholding and kisses. Any sexual intimacy is initiated by me and that is often refused. And I don’t have to tell you that rejection hurts a man. And it’s not like I don’t take care of her or give security…I mean I don’t just neglect her feelings of wanting to talk or share things before escalating intimacy. It’s just like I said most often she it comes to passion and the high level of intimacy it’s 90% always killed by her.
Most would say it’s menopause and I get that has a part, but lack of desire can become desire if the menopause sufferer truly gets immered with the love and emotional connection in the moment that her partner is giving…IF she wants too.
I wonder if this may be what your wife is also experiencing?! Possibly.
On the other hand I have my own insecurities that may my wife really doesn’t love me or feel as attracted to me as I thought she did. The “new and exciting “ me has faded in her eyes. I often think she may have “settled” for me and often has other prior men on her mind, especially in the moments where I’m trying to introduce intimacy and get rejected.
I’m sorry for the long post. Maybe this should have been a 1:1 chat, but I thought others may add relevance to it too. For both our marriages, maybe it’s time to get ourselves and our spouses into counseling and therapy. I know mine would not go. Maybe yours would.

Best wishes and God bless!

 

[BukiRob]

Perhaps a counselor could help you discover her "love language."

I find it DEEPLY disturbing that people RUSH to an assumption that the Man is doing something wrong as if its HIS fault. If he would just change then it would be okay.... that is TRULY demented and release ANY responsibility in the relationship from her and its DEMONIC

 

[Maori Aussie]

I find it DEEPLY disturbing that people RUSH to an assumption that the Man is doing something wrong as if its HIS fault. If he would just change then it would be okay....

Just as we find it easier to see the speck in our brother eye, IMHO we also find it easier to see the faults in the other gender...

 

[Clare73]

I find it DEEPLY disturbing that people RUSH to an assumption that the Man is doing something wrong as if its HIS fault. If he would just change then it would be okay.... that is TRULY demented and release ANY responsibility in the relationship from her and its DEMONIC

Are we looking for solutions. . .or are we looking for whom to blame?

It will never be made better with that approach.

 

[Clare73]

(staff edit)

Seems obvious what the goal above is not; i.e., workable solutions.

 

[RamiC]

Pray for me... im exhausted and empty.

Jesus, please give CallMePoP strength and reasons to feel fulfilled, lead him over his concerns about his marriage, protect his children from suffering in any way because of the imperfections that apply to their parents, as no one is perfect but You. Please provide all the knowledge and insight and support from other christians, Your Word, and their church. that will create a greater element of both partners thriving in this relationship, and carry the whole family to a deeper and clearer sense of Your amazing unfailing love.