150 Blessings ...

[loved]

...up for grabs if you can can tell me a FUNNY joke.

There will be blessings for funny ish jokes.

Extra blessings for jokes about Christians

 

[rocker64]

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

from here

 

[pinkberry]

I've heard this one before, but I'm not sure if I got it exactly right...

A women is driving along the road with a "Honk if you Love Jesus" bumper sticker on. When she gets to a stoplight it is yellow and she stops instead of going through. So someone honks at her because they are frustrated. The lady gets exited and starts honking back because she figures this person must loves Jesus too.

Then other people at the stoplight get mad and start honking at her. She figures this is great! Everyone loves Jesus. In the meantime the light turns green and she sitts there waving out the window at everyone else, as happy as can be.

Finnaly more people come and start honking like crazy. The lady turns around and realizes that there is a green light. She drives away honking like crazy feeling so happy that she has made such a good seen for Jesus.

As she drives away the light turns red.

Whether you found this funny or not, I liked it. It was proably better when I heard it elsewhere, but I hope you still enjoyed it! Have a very blessed day!

 

[pinkberry]

I thought these were kinda cute...



Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

_______________

Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!

I found these at http://louisvilleemmaus.com/jokes2.html

 

[pinkberry]

DELEATED

 

[BubblesRelena]

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat."That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[BubblesRelena]

[font=Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]Help Wanted [/font]​

[font=Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif] A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned ten minutes later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow." [/font]

 

[~ Gig ~]

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hands on. Then he heard a voice, it said "Jesus is watching you." Thinking its in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar not very religious but still scared says, "Who are you?"
Then he flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house owners. All he sees is a parrot in the corner. The parrot then says, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar asks the parrot his name. The parrot replied, "Satan."
The burglar laughs and says "Who would name their parrot Satan?"
The parrot says, "Same person who would name their rottweiler Jesus."

 

[pinkberry]

^I've heard that one before

 

[~ Gig ~]

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

 

[~ Gig ~]

A Little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?

 

[04amaba]

One Day a Yuppy* was getting out of his Brand new State-of-the-art car when an old beat up 2cv came past and RIPPED the door off!So,he called the police on his B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L lipgloss style phone. They were there in a minute...He explained what happened when Suddenly one of the Policemen said 'Sir, in all the Comotion you have failed to realise that your arm has been ripped off at the same time,sorry' and the yuppy said 'AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH MY ROLEX*2!!!!!!!!!!!'




lol!

* a YUPPY is a person who cares about only money
*2 an expensive type of watch

 

[04amaba]

A man came home fromwork one day and his wife said to him " Do you want the good news or the bad news Darling??" And the man answered gruffly "the good" so she said "Well the Air bags on the new car work fine, Dear"

 

[~ Gig ~]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

 

[skier_patra21]

A kindergartener, named Charlie, was in Sunday School learnin the Lord's Prayer....the teacher said,"Our Father who arts in heaven, hallowed be thy name..." and so on and so forth. After she finished she said "Alright children lets try it together. Charlie can you lead us?" Charlie responds, "Sure.....(he begins)
'Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold is his name......

 

[04amaba]

Once apon a time there was a donkey this donkey lived in a field by the side of a river on the other side of the river there was another field full of delicious carrots the donkey wanted the carrots but the river was to deep to wade to wide to swim and there was no bridge the donkey didn't have a boat and couldn't fly.






so how did he get across??











Do you give up??




















That's alright,So did the Donkey

 

[pinkberry]

A little boy in Sunday school is learing the 10 Commandments. The teacher says that commandment number four is "Honor your father and mother." Then she asks the kids if there are any commandments that have to do with your brothers and sisters. The little boy says, "Thou shall not kill!"

 

[Iron Sun 254]

In this small town, a man and his son controlled everything. They owned the bank and many businesses and were the meanest two people around. The preacher at the local church was new and his congregation was growing until there wasn't enough room in the church for all the people.

Well, the father dies and his son wanted him to have a Chrisitian burial and made the minister a deal he couldn't refuse. He'd pay for a new church building if the minister promised that he would say that his father was a saint. The minister promised to do this and the son wrote him a check on the spot.

During the eulogy the minister said "This man was a horrible man. He was selfish, greedy and never cared for another person in his whole life...but compared to his son, he was a saint.

 

[TurtleTape]

Don't Step on a Duck, ok, pick 3 friends you have an plug them in, mine are Jacob, Chris, and Emily


3 people died and went to Heaven,there names were Jacob, Chris, and Emily.
Well, they're at the Pearly gates talking to Peter. Peter says, " ok, you can do whatever you want to do in Heaven, hunt, fish, eat, lay around, as long as you don't step on a duck, the Big Man REALLY LIKES ducks."
Well, they say ok, and walk through the gates.
They go on their separate ways and one day Chris and Emily walk up on Jacob. He's chained to this REALLY ugly girl, the ugliest one in the world, x10.
Chris says, "ok, I'll ask him. Jacob, WHAT did you do?"
Jacob replies, "I stepped on a duck, and now I'm chained to this*gestures to girl* for eternity."
Chris and Emily say ok, make double sure to not step on a duck, and go on their ways.
Well, a few months later, Chris walks up on Emily sitting on a bench. She is chained to this really ugly guy, the polar opposite of Johnny Depp, or Orli, or whoever.
Chris asks, "What did YOU do?"
She replies, "I stepped on a duck, and now I've gotta live like this for eternity."
Well, Chris is comepletly freaked out now, and walks away.
About a year later, Jacob with his girl and Emily with her guy are sitting on a bench and see Chris walking up the road. He is chained to this B-E-A-UTIFUL girl, the most beautiful girl you can think of, x15.
Jacob and Emily look at each other and Emily says, "OK, I'll ask. Chris, what did you DO?"
Before Chris can answer, the girl replies, "I dunno what HE did but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[Zeratul]

loved? is there a discretion b/c its just 2 words but they are at they end which makes it funny.