10 Years Married, its breaking down and I feel powerless

[cdtaylor]

Hi all,

I can't believe I'm writing this. We've been Christians for 6 years. I'm trying, trying to make my marriage but I can't alone. I met my wife 16 years ago, and we were together since, married 10 years, but she's been mistreating me. The other day after the latest thing that she did came to life, I woke up in the morning and didn't feel "in" love with her anymore, I love her of course but not "in" love.

She's done some very bad things, emotionally, physically and violently towards me. I got in at one point as we were getting to know eachother and found her in my bed with a man on her. I've got no idea why I stayed, I should have distanced myself there and then, she's tormented me about previous sexual encounters. In the first few years of our marriage she often hit me and pushed me down our stairs and used to scream at me - all particularly the day after alcohol. I told no one, and haven't till this day, I just said to myself that it wasn't often so I should just get on with it and didn't tell anyone. The violence stopped after I was pushed down a metal footbridge and nearly died. I yelled: "another finger on me and I'll divorce you and call the police."

Her "thing" since then has been to run me down, humiliate me and tell half truths to people, she's just ignored me for the last five years. She's been telling people things like I'm forcing her to have sex, and all lies. If I try and talk she justs shouts at me and tries to make me feel bad and like things are my fault. I don't understand, she's supposed to love me and care about me, this isn't right, no normal person does this to their loved one? I've got no one to talk to because all our friends are mutual and she's either said I've done bad things to her or said half the truth and letting people come to their own bad conclusions about me.

She's said she wants to fix things, but now people are challenging me on percieved mistreatment. I've got no voice, I can't speak up for myself because - how can she put that right without humiliating herself? And not only that but I'm a man, at the best of times domestic or emtional abuse of a man isn't taken seriously, but when the woman first talks to others saying she's being mistreated, a man has no voice, no defence, and no-one wants to hear his side of the tory. I have forgiven and forgiven, I've spent 16 painful years forgiving one thing after another and it chips away at you until you are dead inside. I get so unhappy that it feels like death will be the only release from my marriage. She'd planned at one point to leave me, I dread to know what the plan was. I'm at my wits end.

I've given her everything, materially, spiritually and emotionally, I just don't know how to move forward anymore. I didn't choose to have so much thrown at me that I ended up feeling like this. There is no reason for it, there's no other pressures in life - granted we have kids - but I work from home two days a week to be with them more and help out but she tells people I'm never there for her and the kids. If she wants something, she has it and her needs are met to the best that I can.

I've been sensible enough to know that its OK for me to be struggling, because I'm just human. I have tried praying, and praying, and being realistic; I know I have my own faults, I know we are all have our flaws and faults, and all of us are only justified through Christ. I am not trying to "get out" or have anyone tell me "what I want to hear" to do something stupid, but I can't keep doing this for a lifetime. Can anyone offer me help and guidance Spiritually? I just want the will to live, nothing else. If nothing else, please pray for us.


Godbless!

 

[KW3]

While you are right in feeling that this kind of abuse towards a man often isn't taken seriously, you are also wrong in thinking that no-one takes it seriously. I'm sorry that you are going through this. If I imagine one of my boys in your shoes, this is crushing to read and it truly is hard to hold back tears.

I will be praying for both you and your wife.

As for places to turn for help, I'm going to throw a couple thoughts that came to mind out to you. Since you mentioned alcohol makes things worse, could you speak with a leader of an AA group? Or how about talking with someone who leads a Divorce Recovery group? (Both of these places often meet in churches.) While neither of these groups may be exactly what you need, I think both have dealt with this type of behavior and may be able to point you in the right direction for getting help, or someone with whom you can talk - whether that be professional services, or another man or two who can offer you support and advice from having gone through this as well.

 

[johndoo]

Please go see a mental health care professional for yourself.
Lacking the "will to live" suggests you may be depressed.
You have been abused.
I would encourage you to learn more about spousal abuse
She has a personality disorder of some type: borderline or passive-aggressive or other
You can't change this.
You have worth and value as an individual and and as a father. God loves you and many of us here want to reach out to comfort you.

 

[cdtaylor]

Thank you so much for replying to me both, the hitting me part of the problem has stopped but the other stuff just keeps going on, just knowing that people have cared enough to respond means the world to me. I've recently been diagnosed depressed and given the cumulative sometimes problems, its easy to think that I could just walk away, it would be so easy, especially when you've been isolated and people think so badly of you, but I will not abandon my wife.
There is marriage counselling in our area, which we tried. any other time we try and talk I can't get her past who is to blame and she often threatens to leave me. I agree johndoo, just maybe there is a personality disorder. I've looked for Christian led marriage counselling, but can't find any.
KW3 - What are Divorce Recovery groups? If it is something additional that can be explored, I'm willing to try.

Blessings,

 

[johndoo]

If you want to pursue it, there is online Christian counseling. The dynamic is different but I've used it.

 

[KW3]

I'm not sure exactly about the Divorce Recovery groups. One of my kids has done childcare work for a few years for a DR group here. The church that hosts the group pays my son (and other workers) to take care of the kids so the parents can go to the weekly meetings. I don't think it's both partners attending the meetings - it's individuals who are healing from divorces. I've heard of DR groups before; it's not a unique group to this church. So I don't know the specifics of what or how the group is run. But it is intended to help people recover from divorces - the emotional and other aspects that often happen in divorces. I imagine the things that you are going through are the same types of experiences people in these meetings are dealing with. So I also imagine that they would know what/how to find resources in your area that could help you, too. If you can't find a DR group, I think the AA groups have dealt with similar dynamics - or better for you - the groups that are for families of alcoholics - what are those called? (Narcotics Anonymous also has groups for the families.)

Your marriage may be save-able, but it will take time and a lot of hard work. And you need someone who you can talk with. And it might not be able to be fixed. But either way, as JohnDoo said, you have value.

I am still praying for you and your family.

 

[DZoolander]

How does she treat the kids, and how old are they?