10 year old won't do anything he is told.

[alonenomore2]

Hello everyone.I need some advice.My wife and I have been separated for 4 months.We have 2 boys,3 and 10.The 3 year old is not happy about this but seems to be dealing with his feelings ok.Ben(10) will not do anything his mother tells him to unless she threatens him with me.Even then he tries everything he can to side step her.We have both grounded him,spanked him,taken away games,etc.Nothing seems to help.I know the separation is the cause,but am not sure how to proceed.We are slowly working out our problems and with God's help our marriage will heal.Mean time,has anybody been through this.Help.

 

[Bookman]

Your boys need a dad. They're rightfully angry that you won't be there. But I know these things happen. I'm simply trying to say why I think this is happening. Frankly, I wonder if it might be best for you to have custody of them. Let mom come visit. They need their dad. It's really quite that simple. And if your ten year old can't have you, he's chosen to show his anger by rebelling. If you think it's bad now, wait six years .

I hope things turn out well for you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is very very serious stuff, as you know. What you do now will affect how your kids turn out as adults. You're the role model. Don't mess up, dad.

And I applaud you for seeking advice here. It shows you care. But I honestly don't know any other way to solve your problem than for you to do EVERYTHING to be there for your kids. Frankly, they're more important right now than you or your wife's personal happiness. You may have to put your own feelings aside for the best interests of your kids.

 

[leastone]

Hi AloneNoMore2:

My prayers are truly with you because I know that this is a hard time for all of you in your family. So right this moment I pray that the Lord will heal your family and restore you together closer than ever before.

I went through similar times a few years ago - my wife even divorced me - but I found that the Lord was doing a work in us both and after two years, we reconciled, remarried and have since then been closer than ever before.

I too had a son who could not accept my not being there, as we were very close. But every time we were together, we talked openly, and cried together at times, and prayed together about it. As difficult as it was, neither my wife or I blamed or otherwise talked negatively about the other, and we especially made sure that he understood that none of it was his fault, and that we both loved him very much.

So I would suggest getting with your son and opening up with him about your own hurts; be as honest with him as you can, and admit what you don't understand; pray with him (if you are comfortable doing so), and be honest in your prayers. Children are far more sensitive to truth than many adults - and can spot insincerity a mile away. Once he sees that you are willing to open up to him, he will be more inclined to open up to you. (Not meaning you have to talk about things between you and your wife that are not his business.) But then you can explain that his mom is hurting too and the importance of him showing his love for her by being obedient and helping her.

But most importantly (and most difficult) is to pray. Ask the Lord what you can do - how you can change - to make it possible that your marriage can be healed. Forgive your wife for whatever she may have done (or whatever you perceive that she has done) that has hurt you. Ask Him to heal her heart of the hurts that are there - especially that you might have done.

Just know that the Love of God in Christ is much stronger than any problems you two may have. And God is a God of miracles!

Again, I pray for your healing - as I know others here are too.

LeastOne

 

[BeanMak]

A good therapist or pastor can be helpful also. He has fears and anxieties that he doesn't even have words for. He needs someone outside the situation so he won't have to worry that he is choosing sides or worry about hurting one of you with his words.

 

[alonenomore2]

Thanks everyone for your comments.Please keep em coming.

 

[TCapp]

I recommend "The Five Love Languages for Kids" (or is that "of kids"?). Good stuff. Perhaps he does not feel loved and is lashing out. Or perhaps he thinks that if one spouse can stop loving the other, that the parents will stop loving him.

But I'm not really qualified for this kind of advice.. so feel free to disregard.

 

[BeanMak]

Also, at this age, kids have a feeling of omnipotence. He might in some way feel responsible for your leaving.

 

[desi]

If you know separation is the cause you also know the solution. Don't you?

 

[alonenomore2]

If you read my original post,you also know that we are working in that direction.Thanks for your input.

 

[CeCe]

I agree with just about everything that's been said. It certainly sounds like he's acting out. He probably doesn't know what else to do. The only life he has ever known has abruptly and profoundly changed. He is probably scared, but doesn't want to admit it. And he may not know any other way to express those feelings.

I don't know that a "quick fix" type of thing exists. You and your family need healing. It's wonderful that you've taken that first step.

Pray. Pray. Pray. Ask Him for help. Seek Bible based guidance. I also think talking to your pastor would be an excellent idea.

Keeping you and your family in prayer.

 

[kaycee77025]

Why not have your son live with you, at least for a bit? If nothing else, to see if it helps.