6 Secerts to a good marriage!

Dancn4him · Aug 4, 2004

1.Go to Church.

2.Pray alone and as a couple. Especially when mad at spouce

3.Never go to bed angree or in an argument. (pray to resolve it)

4.Read the word of God together & alone daily,and hold family night, and or Date night weekly. Spending time together, alone and as a family!

5. be the frist to say I'm sorry, even if you feel your in the right!

6. Respect eachother. Don't expect too much out of your spouce. Don't expect them to want you every night. Give them space when they ask for it. Don't demand or force intercourse or other sexual behavior on them! Pray when you have needs,and ask god to help your spouce full them.

We have used these basic keys for 12 years,and they still work! I am married to my best friend!

Shetlander · Aug 4, 2004

How about committing to attending a marriage "enrichment " weekend once a year. Many of us have to take continual training in our jobs & professions so why do we find it so difficult to do it for our marriage. Our leaders in f/t paid ministry need to take the lead and set the example. Ask your Pastor, see if they agree!!

Anyone in the UK interested, PM and i'll be happy to discuss it more.

Memory's Flame · Aug 4, 2004

I strongly agree on the "Don't go to bed mad" thought!! You'll just brew over it, won't sleep well and still have not resolved the issue in the morning.

seeking.IAM · Aug 21, 2004

As a marriage and family therapist, I'll share what I think are the secrets to a good marriage. Ya'll should consider yourself fortunate. Other people have to pay big bucks for this advice.

The secrets to a good marriage are :

1. Finding the right person
2. Being the right person

Finding the right person is probably the easiest part. It sometimes involves looking in the right places. (My father's advice on the subject when I was a teenager was, "If you want a new car, you don't go to the junk yard to find one.") It also involves some discernment and wisdom to know when you've made the right find. I don't think there is much of an element of chance in this. I believe that God has a partner for us, that we get introduced to that partner, but sometimes out of our own foolishness or selfish desires we don't recongize what/who is (intended to be) the person for us--or maybe we're not looking in the right place.

Being the right person is the hardest part of all. Once you have found the right person, you have to wake up every morning and "be" the right person to and for your partner. If both persons can actively work on being the right person (including how they treat each other, how they care for each other, how they talk to each other, how they respect each other, etc.), things are gonna work out pretty good. Most marriages fail because one or both persons in their deeds and actions stop being the right person to their partner. The other things mentioned in previous posts (e.g., praying with, worshipping with, marriage enrichment, etc.) to me are all ways to support a marriage to make sure that each person continues to "be" the right person to their partner.

That reminds me, I need to get busy and plan a date with the wife!

seeking.IAM
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Peter · Aug 21, 2004

I'm afraid that I must respectfully disagree with your short list. There is nothing remotely unique to the Christian faith in your answer.

The number one "secret" to a good marriage is God. That is, both persons must be willing to be used up of themselves and deny themselves. (Perhaps this is what you meant by "be the right person.") And at the center of that is God.

If a person is actively seeking a mate, then they are not seeking God. We are, after all, instructed to seek God first, and His righteousness. If we can do this, then God might provide us a mate. But then again maybe not.

Having been to several marriage conferences, the one thing I've noticed is this, there is no difference between the advice given in a secular workshop and a Protestant one. (The one Orthodox marriage seminar I attended blew me away. It was deep!) Good communication, his needs her needs, blah, blah, blah.

The couple needs, first and foremeost, to be united in every aspect to God the Father. A couple who agrees together regarding doctrine, theology and worship, and who's own walk with the Lord is taken care of, will have a healthy marriage.

After again reading your own answers, under "Be the right person," you have created an idolitrous situation. You make the spouse the center of attention. The only way I can "be the right person" is to be totaly submissive to God. He must be my focus. If the vertical relationship is in order, the horizontal will work itself out. (Aquire a spirit of peace, and a thousands souls around you will be saved.)

So, here are my "6 Secrets to a good marriage."

1. Married or single, arise every morning for a consistant time of communing with God by yourself.
2. End every day with a consistant time of communing with God by yourself.
3. Begin every day with a time of standing side by side with your spouse at your family altar and praying.
4. End every day standing side by side with your spouse at your family altar praying.
5. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness (Matt. 6:33)
6. Be holy, as God is holy.

Marriage should be seen as a way that God makes us holy and God is glorified.

Peace.

Peter

alaskamolly · Aug 21, 2004

I like it, I like it.

Very well said.

pegatha · Aug 22, 2004

Dancn4him said:
5. be the frist to say I'm sorry, even if you feel your in the right!

I think your list is wonderful, and I thank you for sharing it. My only qualm is #5. I can see that in a basically healthy marriage, this would generally be a good idea. But some disagreements call for sticking to your guns. Sometimes "I'm sorry, let's put this behind us" is just a way to avoid facing the hard issues of life and marriage. There are times when you just have to take the long-term view of a situation and keep working on a resolution, instead of using a false apology to try to make it all go away (not to say that's what you're advocating.)

Faye · Aug 22, 2004

I appreciate your post, Peter. I'll have to check out some orthodox marriage seminars sometime.

Peter · Aug 23, 2004

Faye, thank you. Orthodox marriage seminars are not advertised like others are. If you really want to go, check with your local parish and see if any are scheduled. The Orthodox concept of marriage is unlike any other I've ever come across.

To the rest, I don't know what happened. But when I got to this page the first time, all I got was the response of seekingIAM. Today is the first I saw of the OP.

Peace.

Peter

OhhJim · Aug 23, 2004

seeking.IAM said:
...but sometimes out of our own foolishness or selfish desires we don't recongize what/who is (intended to be) the person for us--or maybe we're not looking in the right place.

So, if we're looking in the right place, and find the right person, but she doesn't want to get married, could it be that HER foolishness and selfish desires are getting in the way? If so, what do I do, wait or move on?

I'd hate to think that I'm the only human capable of foolishness or selfish desires!

pegatha · Aug 23, 2004

OhhJim said:
So, if we're looking in the right place, and find the right person, but she doesn't want to get married, could it be that HER foolishness and selfish desires are getting in the way? If so, what do I do, wait or move on?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but here's my take on it. If she doesn't want to marry you, then she's not the right person. Move on. Waiting, when you've been told she's not interested, tells her that her opinion and happiness aren't as important to you as getting whatever you want. It's a power struggle. (I really don't mean to be unkind, but I've been on the other side of it--being told that it was God's will to marry a man I didn't want or care for--and it's pretty upsetting when someone not only won't take "No" for an answer, but makes it out like you're rejecting God if you reject him.)

OhhJim · Aug 24, 2004

It's not harsh at all. I was speaking hypothetically, in response to seeking.I AM's theory. He seemed to invoke the possibility that one person might not recognize that a certain person is the right one. Well, what about the other person? If I might not recognize her, doesn't the possibility exist that she might not recognize me?

Then, of course, there's that other big question: If God can make me love someone, and someone else love me, why can't He make us all love Him?

MagicStar723 · Aug 25, 2004

Thank you very much for your post, I am on the trail to marriage and love saving up on info like this for the future!

pegatha · Aug 25, 2004

OhhJim said:
If I might not recognize her, doesn't the possibility exist that she might not recognize me?

Let's look at that another way. If God intends for the two of you to recognize each other, will your limitations prevent it from happening? I doubt it.

OhhJim said:
Then, of course, there's that other big question: If God can make me love someone, and someone else love me, why can't He make us all love Him?

That's begging the question that God "makes" you love someone.

If by "love" you mean affection and attraction, those are emotions that seem to spring up spontaneously. They aren't always prompted by God (or else we'd never be attracted to unbelievers, people who are already married, etc.)

On the other hand, the kind of love that shows itself as long-term commitment takes hard work, whether it's love for a spouse or love for God. If we ask God to help us love like that, He will. But I don't believe He "makes" us have that kind of love agaist our will, or else there wouldn't be so many struggling Christian marriages or Christian divorces.

OhhJim · Aug 25, 2004

pegatha said:
Let's look at that another way. If God intends for the two of you to recognize each other, will your limitations prevent it from happening? I doubt it.

Well, I suggest that we quite often don't do what God wants us to do. I further suggest that people who think they are obeying God are actually not; the apostle Paul, when he was Saul, for instance.

pegatha · Aug 25, 2004

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think we're not exactly talking about the same thing. If I'm reading you right, you're concerned that you (not "you" personally, but the hypothetical "you") will miss out on your life partner because of some sin in her life. That assumes two things: first, that there is only one person ever created who could possibly be considered the right partner for you, and second, that God does not foresee that a particular woman would reject you, so He's in a real bind to provide you with a mate if she doesn't cooperate. I can't see from Scripture that either premise is true, and therefore I don't share your fears that you'll miss out on the right woman just because she's being stubborn.

Dancn4him · Aug 26, 2004

No, You missunderstood what I ment.Yes you work out your proublems together with the lord. Say your sorry and move on. If its something stopid ( for example, your mad at him for leaving his shoes out in the middle of the floor, and you made it become a big argument. instead, pick up the shoes,and place them on his side of the bed. then they will bother him. Little petty things that we have little or no control over bother us;and not them. so we need to think of creative positive ways to deal with or not deal with them. At the same time watch our attuide. God can not live in an angree soul.) be the first to repent. Don't keep bring the past up. don't keep shoving it in your partners face.
Matthew 6:14 if you forgive others your heavenly father will frogive you!

If you can not do these things, then get councel from your church.

Dancn4him · Aug 26, 2004

Peter said:
I'm afraid that I must respectfully disagree with your short list. There is nothing remotely unique to the Christian faith in your answer.

The number one "secret" to a good marriage is God. That is, both persons must be willing to be used up of themselves and deny themselves. (Perhaps this is what you meant by "be the right person.") And at the center of that is God.

If a person is actively seeking a mate, then they are not seeking God. We are, after all, instructed to seek God first, and His righteousness. If we can do this, then God might provide us a mate. But then again maybe not.

Having been to several marriage conferences, the one thing I've noticed is this, there is no difference between the advice given in a secular workshop and a Protestant one. (The one Orthodox marriage seminar I attended blew me away. It was deep!) Good communication, his needs her needs, blah, blah, blah.

The couple needs, first and foremeost, to be united in every aspect to God the Father. A couple who agrees together regarding doctrine, theology and worship, and who's own walk with the Lord is taken care of, will have a healthy marriage.

After again reading your own answers, under "Be the right person," you have created an idolitrous situation. You make the spouse the center of attention. The only way I can "be the right person" is to be totaly submissive to God. He must be my focus. If the vertical relationship is in order, the horizontal will work itself out. (Aquire a spirit of peace, and a thousands souls around you will be saved.)

So, here are my "6 Secrets to a good marriage."

1. Married or single, arise every morning for a consistant time of communing with God by yourself.
2. End every day with a consistant time of communing with God by yourself.
3. Begin every day with a time of standing side by side with your spouse at your family altar and praying.
4. End every day standing side by side with your spouse at your family altar praying.
5. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness (Matt. 6:33)
6. Be holy, as God is holy.

Marriage should be seen as a way that God makes us holy and God is glorified.

Peace.

Peter

Peter, I think we are saying the same thing, just in a different way! When I say church, I am talking about the church in your soul. Its o.k. to feel differently about ideas,and opions! God Bless you! Kim

OhhJim · Aug 26, 2004

pegatha said:
I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think we're not exactly talking about the same thing. If I'm reading you right, you're concerned that you (not "you" personally, but the hypothetical "you") will miss out on your life partner because of some sin in her life. That assumes two things: first, that there is only one person ever created who could possibly be considered the right partner for you, and second, that God does not foresee that a particular woman would reject you, so He's in a real bind to provide you with a mate if she doesn't cooperate. I can't see from Scripture that either premise is true, and therefore I don't share your fears that you'll miss out on the right woman just because she's being stubborn.

No, I'm just responding to seeking.IAM's post. He invoked the possibility that we might miss out on our partner because of our own "foolishness or selfish desires". I'm suggesting that *if that is a possibility* then the possibility also exists that the *other* person can mess things up, too.

Actually, I tend to agree with you, pegatha.

pegatha · Aug 26, 2004

Okay, I get it now, glad we got that straightened out!

Actually I didn't want to say any more about it because I realize how far I was starting to drag this thread off-topic. And maybe I overreacted a bit because I've actually been on the receiving end of the "God-wants-us-to-get-married-but-you're-just-being-foolish" routine, and it's a very distressing place to be.

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