Faith after spiritual abuse: Why I haven’t walked away

Michie · Apr 26, 2026

Imagine hearing daily reports of doctors and hospitals being exposed for corruption and malpractice — not just in your area, but across the country. How would that make you feel? Safe? Confident? Or uneasy, fearful, and unsure where to turn? You realize there may come a day when you need a doctor or lifesaving surgery, but after hearing story after story, how would you trust anyone in a white coat again?

The comparison isn’t exact, but it feels familiar. This is where many of us find ourselves when we look at the state of the Church. The steady stream of local failures, national scandals, and leaders falling in serious — and sometimes abusive — ways has left many understandably shaken.

And it’s not just what we’re seeing in headlines. It’s what we’ve experienced up close with friends, families, and sometimes in our own story. My own family was forced to leave a church we loved after more than 23 years because of spiritual abuse. I know what it feels like when the place meant to bind up wounds becomes the source of them.

Christians know we need the Great Physician — but we don’t always trust the place where He’s supposed to be at work.

Part of what makes this moment so disorienting isn’t just what we’re seeing — it’s what we expected. We don’t think of church as just another organization. We call it family. And family carries weight — love, protection, loyalty, and care. So, when something breaks in that environment, it doesn’t just feel like disappointment. It feels like deep betrayal.

Continued below.

Faith after spiritual abuse: Why I haven’t walked away

Will we walk away when the Church disappoints us, or will we stay with clearer expectations, deeper discernment, and a stronger foundation

www.christianpost.com

Aussie52 · Apr 26, 2026

I have been the victim of 'spiritual & psychological abuse' in the church both as church member & as an ordained minister, at the hands of leadership.
The hurt goes deep & the damage takes a long while to heal. Yes, one feels betrayed, rejected and wondering where God is in all of the pain and darkness. Friends distance themselves from you, fearing that the authoritarian leadership will abuse them to.

But God is good. He indeed comes as the mighty Healer, binds up our wounds and reassures us of His love.

NBB · Apr 26, 2026

Me too was abused, and i think is like someone said, blaming God "is like getting beaten on the way to the clinic of the best doctor, and blaming the doctor for it"

com7fy8 · Jun 14, 2026

Well, if I am wrong and a leader says so, this is not necessarily abuse. I know ones who can cry endlessly about how leaders would not go along with how they were wrong. And there are ones going around pushing incorrect ideas and ways; and so they do get rejected, and then they are crying that no one cares about them and no one wants them.

So . . . not all claims of abuse are correct.

And . . . doesn't Jesus say to be ready to love evil people? Turn the other cheek. Do not resist an evil person. So . . . I understand this means that Jesus is able to make us strong so that when we are abused by evil people, we are strong so they can not get the better of us.

This is what we can expect from Jesus. Never mind what can be expected from some church.

"And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?" (1 Peter 3:13)

And Jesus makes His sheep able to hear His voice . . . so He is guiding us where to go for church activity. Therefore, when people get into real abuse . . . who guided them to be there? We can expect Jesus our Shepherd to guide us, plus to have us ready to deal with evil people.

However, if a church group can not tell the difference between a qualified leader and a wolf in sheep's clothing . . . of course, there are going to be major problems, and people will keep on suffering because they did not get ready with Jesus, first, before relating with people at churches or wherever.

Jesus guarantees that people will be betrayed by their own families. So, we are wise to be ready so we are strong for handling problem people.

So, expect Jesus to have you ready and expect Jesus to guide us reliably so we are not trusting the wrong people >

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

Aussie52 · Jun 14, 2026

com7fy8 said:
Well, if I am wrong and a leader says so, this is not necessarily abuse. I know ones who can cry endlessly about how leaders would not go along with how they were wrong. And there are ones going around pushing incorrect ideas and ways; and so they do get rejected, and then they are crying that no one cares about them and no one wants them.

So . . . not all claims of abuse are correct.

And . . . doesn't Jesus say to be ready to love evil people? Turn the other cheek. Do not resist an evil person. So . . . I understand this means that Jesus is able to make us strong so that when we are abused by evil people, we are strong so they can not get the better of us.

This is what we can expect from Jesus. Never mind what can be expected from some church.

"And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?" (1 Peter 3:13)

And Jesus makes His sheep able to hear His voice . . . so He is guiding us where to go for church activity. Therefore, when people get into real abuse . . . who guided them to be there? We can expect Jesus our Shepherd to guide us, plus to have us ready to deal with evil people.

However, if a church group can not tell the difference between a qualified leader and a wolf in sheep's clothing . . . of course, there are going to be major problems, and people will keep on suffering because they did not get ready with Jesus, first, before relating with people at churches or wherever.

Jesus guarantees that people will be betrayed by their own families. So, we are wise to be ready so we are strong for handling problem people.

So, expect Jesus to have you ready and expect Jesus to guide us reliably so we are not trusting the wrong people >

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

Blame the abused and not the abuser. Where have I heard that before?

iHarken · Jun 15, 2026

com7fy8 said:
Well, if I am wrong and a leader says so, this is not necessarily abuse. I know ones who can cry endlessly about how leaders would not go along with how they were wrong. And there are ones going around pushing incorrect ideas and ways; and so they do get rejected, and then they are crying that no one cares about them and no one wants them.

So . . . not all claims of abuse are correct.

And . . . doesn't Jesus say to be ready to love evil people? Turn the other cheek. Do not resist an evil person. So . . . I understand this means that Jesus is able to make us strong so that when we are abused by evil people, we are strong so they can not get the better of us.

This is what we can expect from Jesus. Never mind what can be expected from some church.

"And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?" (1 Peter 3:13)

And Jesus makes His sheep able to hear His voice . . . so He is guiding us where to go for church activity. Therefore, when people get into real abuse . . . who guided them to be there? We can expect Jesus our Shepherd to guide us, plus to have us ready to deal with evil people.

However, if a church group can not tell the difference between a qualified leader and a wolf in sheep's clothing . . . of course, there are going to be major problems, and people will keep on suffering because they did not get ready with Jesus, first, before relating with people at churches or wherever.

Jesus guarantees that people will be betrayed by their own families. So, we are wise to be ready so we are strong for handling problem people.

So, expect Jesus to have you ready and expect Jesus to guide us reliably so we are not trusting the wrong people >

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

You speak wisdom brother. Not every correction is abuse; search your heart. During my time as a leader, the one thing everyone seemed to struggle with was accountability. It is easier to be wounded in the flesh than it is to humble the ego & admit fault.

“Let the righteous smite me; It shall be a kindness: And let him reprove me; It shall be an excellent oil, which shall not break my head: For yet my prayer also shall be in their calamities.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭141‬:‭5‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Jesus does not want you to be blindsided. Praise God, your betrayal is a reminder of the path Jesus walked; we are to be humbled & forgiving like our Savior. And, as you endure with Christ, you will learn to possess your soul; ruling the flesh instead of being ruled by it.

“Even those closest to you—your parents, brothers, relatives, and friends—will betray you. They will even kill some of you.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭21‬:‭16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

But, I do want to be charitable. There is real Church-hurt, & we should not be so cold to dismiss their wounds, lest we leave them bleeding out. It would be wise to remember that many of Gods children have not seen real leadership. They are taught foolish things. They have seen foolish heads. Lies have become normal. When you stand for nothing; you’ll fall for anything. Are we surprised that the world lied to a child? So let us love them.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭34‬:‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

com7fy8 · Jun 18, 2026

Aussie52 said:
Blame the abused and not the abuser. Where have I heard that before?

It is both.

There are ways that people enable abusers.

com7fy8 · Jun 18, 2026

Aussie52 said:
Blame the abused and not the abuser. Where have I heard that before?

Yes, it is stupid and evil to blame the victim for what the predator chose to do.

But there are ways people can help a predator . . . "enabling".

com7fy8 · Jun 18, 2026

iHarken said:
There is real Church-hurt, & we should not be so cold to dismiss their wounds, lest we leave them bleeding out. It would be wise to remember that many of Gods children have not seen real leadership.

Yes, have compassion.

But I see how there can be ways a victim can avoid suffering. So, if the person does not do what that person can do . . . the person is leaving control to the predator!!

com7fy8 · Jun 23, 2026

iHarken said:
many of Gods children have not seen real leadership.

But we have God's word so we can see what God's word says about leadership.

For example >

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

So, a leader must not lord it over me. And I understand that I am not obligated to go along with any person who is lording oneself over others. But I do need to obey the good example of a real leader, by following the person's good example. And a real leader will welcome you to make sure with God about if and how you do what a genuinely approved leader would have you doing.

And we have our Apostle Paul's requirements for what qualifies a man to be a leader > 1 Timothy 3:1-10.

And the person's good example will feed you how to grow in Jesus and submit to how God rules us in His own peace . . . as we all "in one body" are "called" to do >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

One common way of abuse is not how a leader does things to directly hurt a person, but the person abuses by "omission" . . . by what the leader does **not** do. Among other things, the person does not make sure people are being ruled by God in His peace to do what the leader wants. But the leader expects people to obey without prayerfully being led by Jesus in His peace. And so, if people just act like puppets of the leader, they are not in Jesus Christ's "rest for your souls" (in Matthew 11:28-30) in the almighty emotional safety of His peace; and so they are acting in deep weakness so they can be hurt. And they can take things the wrong way, because they are not being guided by how God has them seeing things.

And our Apostle Paul has prayed this >

"And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9)

So . . . yes . . . in God's love we have God giving us how to see things, I would say from this scripture.

And here is how God's word says to relate with other children of God >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

From this, I see how God has us relating in ***mutual*** submission, "in the fear of God" > how God has us relating submissively to Him so He is guiding our relating with one another. And therefore, if I am right, this means no one is to lord oneself over someone else!

And I possibly have seen how certain victims can help themselves to get hurt by bad leadership. I mean . . . the victim could be a person who tries to lord the person's self over others. And so the person can get into bad relating with wrong people, and then get hurt.

So . . . among other things . . . I need to pray for God to really correct me so I myself am not trying to use anybody and I am not trying to lord myself over any person. I think of how arguing can be my way of trying to control another person, and God's word says >

"Do all things without complaining and disputing," (Philippians 2:14)

So, if I disobey God's word, by arguing, I am relating in a disobedient spirit so I am not safe emotionally in God's love. And, of course, the other person is wrong, too.

So, we have God's word. And in case I discover that someone is trying to lord oneself over me, I can get away from the person and stay away. But possibly I have been in situations where I was with people who I found to be real Jesus people; but in their church there were people who were in trouble inside themselves and they could be misleading and abusive. But Jesus says to be ready to turn the other cheek and rejoice when wrong people treat us the wrong way. Be strong in Christ so evil people can not have power over us to hurt us and keep us suffering.

Forgiving in prayer can help a lot.

"'And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.'" (Mark 11:25)

This can be following the example of Jesus on the cross > while those people were still so busy with hating and torturing and murdering Jesus > Jesus ***prayed*** this for them >

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." (in Luke 23:34)

So, Jesus did not allow them to have power over Him; but Jesus kept on loving. And yes we are expected to follow the example of how Jesus was loving, on the cross > it is written >

"And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma." (Ephesians 5:2)

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might." (Ephesians 6:10)

So, if leaders are not ministering this to you . . . I would say we should not stay with those people. But share with people who feed us good example to help us to grow in how Jesus is and loves.

iHarken · Jun 23, 2026

com7fy8 said:
But we have God's word so we can see what God's word says about leadership.

For example >

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

So, a leader must not lord it over me. And I understand that I am not obligated to go along with any person who is lording oneself over others. But I do need to obey the good example of a real leader, by following the person's good example. And a real leader will welcome you to make sure with God about if and how you do what a genuinely approved leader would have you doing.

And we have our Apostle Paul's requirements for what qualifies a man to be a leader > 1 Timothy 3:1-10.

And the person's good example will feed you how to grow in Jesus and submit to how God rules us in His own peace . . . as we all "in one body" are "called" to do >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

One common way of abuse is not how a leader does things to directly hurt a person, but the person abuses by "omission" . . . by what the leader does **not** do. Among other things, the person does not make sure people are being ruled by God in His peace to do what the leader wants. But the leader expects people to obey without prayerfully being led by Jesus in His peace. And so, if people just act like puppets of the leader, they are not in Jesus Christ's "rest for your souls" (in Matthew 11:28-30) in the almighty emotional safety of His peace; and so they are acting in deep weakness so they can be hurt. And they can take things the wrong way, because they are not being guided by how God has them seeing things.

And our Apostle Paul has prayed this >

"And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9)

So . . . yes . . . in God's love we have God giving us how to see things, I would say from this scripture.

And here is how God's word says to relate with other children of God >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

From this, I see how God has us relating in ***mutual*** submission, "in the fear of God" > how God has us relating submissively to Him so He is guiding our relating with one another. And therefore, if I am right, this means no one is to lord oneself over someone else!

And I possibly have seen how certain victims can help themselves to get hurt by bad leadership. I mean . . . the victim could be a person who tries to lord the person's self over others. And so the person can get into bad relating with wrong people, and then get hurt.

So . . . among other things . . . I need to pray for God to really correct me so I myself am not trying to use anybody and I am not trying to lord myself over any person. I think of how arguing can be my way of trying to control another person, and God's word says >

"Do all things without complaining and disputing," (Philippians 2:14)

So, if I disobey God's word, by arguing, I am relating in a disobedient spirit so I am not safe emotionally in God's love. And, of course, the other person is wrong, too.

So, we have God's word. And in case I discover that someone is trying to lord oneself over me, I can get away from the person and stay away. But possibly I have been in situations where I was with people who I found to be real Jesus people; but in their church there were people who were in trouble inside themselves and they could be misleading and abusive. But Jesus says to be ready to turn the other cheek and rejoice when wrong people treat us the wrong way. Be strong in Christ so evil people can not have power over us to hurt us and keep us suffering.

Forgiving in prayer can help a lot.

"'And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.'" (Mark 11:25)

This can be following the example of Jesus on the cross > while those people were still so busy with hating and torturing and murdering Jesus > Jesus ***prayed*** this for them >

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." (in Luke 23:34)

So, Jesus did not allow them to have power over Him; but Jesus kept on loving. And yes we are expected to follow the example of how Jesus was loving, on the cross > it is written >

"And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma." (Ephesians 5:2)

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might." (Ephesians 6:10)

So, if leaders are not ministering this to you . . . I would say we should not stay with those people. But share with people who feed us good example to help us to grow in how Jesus is and loves.

Much of what you said was true & I see that you’re trying to weave together different ideas of leadership & followership. I want to focus on an important feature you may have missed that is in context to the topic at hand. Leadership is a lot like love, it’s something you need to experience before you can truly appreciate it. I can explain what it is, what it looks like, & what it isn’t but you’ll never truly know until you’ve experienced it; like color you must see it.

The child doesn’t know what good parenting looks like, the child simply understands that it has a mother & a father. It is up to the parents to exemplify good leadership. Now a couple can read a thousand different books on what good parenting looks like but until they have a child they will never truly know what it entails. & even in all their knowledge & understanding they may still end up being bad parents. Now, is it the child’s fault that his parents are bad leaders? Should the child have known better? Maybe in due time once the child has grown the child can know better but until then one does not blame the innocence of a babe for not recognizing poor parenting.

The moral of the story is that babes require growth & it’s not entirely their fault that the man who was supposed to be shepherding their growth was a bad parent. This is why there is so much pain when the babe inevitably comes to the truth - it’s because the betrayal of bad leadership is a familial wound that cuts deep. Surely you can have grace for the child & expect them to no longer be deceived; these are not mutually exclusive concepts. Often what you’ll find is many people develop their leadership styles based off of experiences they do not want to emulate.

com7fy8 · Jun 24, 2026

iHarken said:
The moral of the story is that babes require growth & it’s not entirely their fault that the man who was supposed to be shepherding their growth was a bad parent.

But Jesus can have someone get wise to the fact that a person is not an approved leader. I would say this can happen, at any time, no matter how young or older a child of God is.

One thing is an abused person can meet people who have qualified leaders, and can meet genuine pastors from other churches.

And, like this, children of worldly parents meet kids from other families. And they can find out there is a better way.

iHarken · Jun 24, 2026

com7fy8 said:
But Jesus can have someone get wise to the fact that a person is not an approved leader. I would say this can happen, at any time, no matter how young or older a child of God is.

One thing is an abused person can meet people who have qualified leaders, and can meet genuine pastors from other churches.

And, like this, children of worldly parents meet kids from other families. And they can find out there is a better way.

I’m not used to getting this much resistance on the topic; Leaders should have a teachable spirit after all. You might not know this about me but I’m actually an Instructor, I develop young leaders, this is familiar ground for me.

Question, what experiences come to mind for you when we talk about leadership? Whether it be times you served or was being served.

com7fy8 · Jun 27, 2026

iHarken said:
Question, what experiences come to mind for you when we talk about leadership? Whether it be times you served or was being served.

I have had a leader who could talk with me, and it took one sentence so I could grow in Jesus and know how to serve with love.

But others could be controlling and I could see they were in trouble, inside themselves.

It seems to me, how ones can talk over and down to everyone, and ones even seem to think those leaders are the only ones who can teach them. But God's word says >

"teaching and admonishing one another," in Colossians 3:16.

CaspianSails · Jun 28, 2026

Some good responses. A church leader who controls is no church leader and should be removed. Before we get into what that means let me start by saying to lead as a man of Christ one must first be a servant as Christ taught us. There are times for correction to lead people to the truth with humility, with kindness, with self control and towards reconciliation. There is no room for "power" in the church, after all Christ is the head not the pastor. Every leadership position should be accountable to others to avoid abuse.

timf · Saturday at 3:15 PM

Sometimes it can be helpful to get a lay of the land to know what traps and hazards to avoid.

https://christianpioneer.com/ebooks/Navigating Christianity.pdf

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