Prayer and advice for my spiritual and circumstantial situation

Hello everyone. I would like to ask you to pray for me. I'm going through a difficult time.

I'm tired of my job. I'm 26 years old. Since I was 20, I've always done "light" work with my father, making deliveries for a supermarket. My job was to sit in the pickup truck, go to the location to load or unload, arrange the occasional package, and basically ride around in the truck with my father. A great job. Although my father didn't pay me much, I lived with my mother and grandmother, and we lived off my grandmother's pension. We were doing well. It turns out that at the beginning of 2025, my father became a bit toxic in his treatment of people (he was always somewhat like that, but it got a bit worse at that time), and I had to quit the job. But we continued to live comfortably on my grandmother's pension. It turns out my grandmother passed away in December 2025, and since January 27th I've been working at a fruit and vegetable stand, and honestly, I haven't quite adjusted to this job. The pay isn't good at all; my mother and I struggle to pay the rent (we've never lacked it until now), but we're always worried about whether we'll make it. It's frustrating. Besides, it's a very tiring job; I have to carry heavy crates, I only have one day off a week, and some days everything hurts. For me, LIFE used to be: light work with Dad, breakfast together, and if I didn't feel like going in, I just stayed home, simple as that.

Now I'm in a job where I feel like life is slipping through my fingers. I'm suffering a lot. Not only that, but my faith has weakened drastically during this time. If I was already a bit shaky in that area, now the Bible seems like a fairy tale to me, and the devil too. My reality is so harsh that it's very difficult for me to believe in a God, let alone a good and merciful one. I'm very tired, brothers. Regarding my spiritual life: I've been a believer for three years, and God has rescued me from terrible places and helped me reconcile with my father (which is why I was able to work with him for a year and have completely new experiences). But I miss my old life of freedom, spending more time with my parents, etc. It's like I'm grieving.

Besides, I'm a PC repairman, and it frustrates me (especially now) not being able to work doing what I love. It makes me angry to have my own skills (or gifts) and not be able to make a living from them. I think it's partly my fault; I never knew how to make them known, how to reach people, but I'm qualified to provide more than 25 services in that field, including helping people or seniors learn to use their PCs or phones. I'd like to make a living from it, but I never knew how to reach people or become known.

Regarding God, to be honest, I don't feel like making the effort to believe in Him. I don't know if it's normal because of my exhaustion or the circumstances I mentioned, but I find it very difficult to humble myself before Him and accept or receive His help.

I send you all a hug and love you very much. My name is Gustav.

Thank you for reading.

Delvianna said:

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I'm absolutely praying for you but I'd like to ask you some questions. You don't have to answer me but maybe give you some options because although God absolutely guides, directs and helps His children, we can do some practical things ourselves too.

Have you looked into government benefits? Snap? or HUD?
Do you have a local church you go to or can attend to get some spiritual guidance?
Have you looked into other jobs in your area that might be better suited for you?
Have you considered doing a specific career while you're working on being known in your area for PC repair? Have you done flyers? Have you sent out advertisements? Gotten free business cards and handed them out?

A lot of times God uses our steps were already taking in order to maneuver you. I've always loved the saying, God can't steer a parked car. Don't get to the point where he has to tow you because that (from personal experience) is not fun... those seasons are the absolute hardest. (I've faced homelessness so I understand where you're coming from.)

Some food for thought:
God never spared Daniel from the lions den, or Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fiery furnace or Paul getting beat up and ship wrecked or Jonah being eaten by a whale or even His own son who experienced a brutal death. The idea that God prevents your life from hard seasons is unbiblical. Instead, he walks with you through them. Prevention doesn't build character, doesn't help you grow or learn. God wants you better, wiser, stronger and smarter. And sometimes, he allows hard circumstances to force growth. That doesn't make Him unloving, or evil, it makes Him a parent. Try to see how He is helping you today, and every day. Look for the little things. Because we tend to miss those and expect big giant signs from the sky. But he absolutely is right there with you... just waiting for you to cast your burdens, your worries, your cares onto Him and see what He does with your life. Sometimes what we want to do, isn't always what's best for us and you might actually end up somewhere completely different.

If there's anyone in the universe you could run to, God would be it. Don't walk away, let Him use this season to draw you even closer to Him.

Click to expand...

Thank you. Yes, of all the things you mentioned, I've already gone out to hand out resumes three times on my days off. I've handed out 60 resumes. I'm thinking about doing the flyer thing, but it's a bit expensive, although yes, it would be a good resource. I've been attending a Baptist church for three years, ever since I came to know Christ... but work takes up all my time. I'm from Argentina. I admit that before I had my job, I had the time to go, but I stayed home, stuck in a rut with myself. Today, I'd give anything to spend more time at church.

Thank you so much for the kindness with which you wrote to me.

Today I was at the store where I work, and at one point I had a moment of clarity and said, "I'm going to stop fighting against the Lord. I don't want to be against Him anymore." It was a moment before I read your reply; perhaps it was your prayer (I'm just saying). But my fear is that God will ask me to do things I don't want to do, to have to take joyless steps of faith. When the Lord rescued me from depression three years ago, everything was easy; I was on my spiritual honeymoon, and everything flowed naturally. Now it seems I have to obey from a place of raw, utter dryness, and it's quite a difficult fight. My old self wins before I even step into the ring. Many sinful attitudes naturally surface. I willingly opened the door to some of my old sins because I felt rejected by God, and now I'm swallowing my own poison, and it seems I'll have to restore everything, but I don't know how. I feel the only way is for God to perform a miracle. But I no longer believe God will perform miracles... I know it's not true, I know it's a lie of the devil, but I'm hardly ever at church with my brothers and sisters, and I feel that being so distant makes it harder for me to heal...

Anyway, thank you. God bless and protect you for your interest in helping me.

iHarken said:

Would your life be better without God? Would you feel more comfort? Would you be at peace? Which part of your life would improve if you decided to walk away from the faith?

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No. In fact, the fact that I'm writing here is one of the clearest signs that my life isn't better without God. I'm writing here because I'm without God. As I drifted away, nothing improved; on the contrary, my life slowly returned to the exact same place of spiritual misery I was in before I knew Christ.

But the problem is, I don't know how to get back to Him. It's like having taken a road, walked down it, and now I look back and there's a wall, as if there's no way to connect and return. I'm a failure without Christ. I lived the first 22 years of my life without Him. And what hurts me the most is having regressed to zero after knowing Him. It's painful, frustrating, and it feels like there's no way out, like I "had the opportunity and blew it" (that's what I think).

I've abandoned God, but because I've grown tired, consciously or unconsciously, of His silence. In my desperation not to go back, I have used spiritual crutches to "emulate" the joy of the beginning; that is, I want joy to be easy so I can feel that I am still the same Christian I was at the beginning, but when that crutch runs out of batteries, the coldness of reality returns, and I become the same person I was before Christ.

iHarken said:

What good is your self-awareness without self-regulation? You can only find treasure if you search for it. Don’t expect your relationship with God to improve if you abandon Him. I wouldn’t suspect your spouse would stay very long if you neglected her. May the Lord shine His face upon you.

Click to expand...

How does "relationship with God" translate into actions?

Thank you brothers, God bless you greatly

Guide me so I can truly embrace God's Word... I feel like I've lost my chance... that He's closed the door on me... I can't read His Word without thinking it's a fairy tale, when just two years ago I believed everything fervently.

This is awful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... but I feel like the way out is getting closer...

I'm going to share my full testimony because I need to talk about other things and I'd like you to know more about me:
PART 1

I came to know Christ in 2023, while going through a deep depression. In December 2022, I was in a very bad place spiritually and began to question God's existence. This led me to YouTube, where I searched for "Does God exist?" and it led me to an atheist's channel. I started watching his videos and later, idolizing him. Because of this, I indulged in sinful activities (pornography, masturbation) excessively and sank even deeper into my depression, also depressing my mother (who had recently started attending church and had recently been baptized) and harming myself more and more. It wasn't just depression; I also felt demonic activity in my mind and had very dark nightmares that terrified me. That's how I was until February 2023. I think that even though I watched the atheist's videos and had largely convinced myself of God's non-existence, deep down in my heart, I still believed...

The other thing that had happened to me was that I had switched from day to night; that is, I was awake all night and slept all day.

So, little by little, during the early mornings, I started looking for sermons on YouTube... and sometimes I would get emotional and cry.

One night I was so, so tired of having nightmares that I asked God for forgiveness and begged Him, if He existed, to please do something because I couldn't take it anymore. That same day I went to sleep and had no nightmares. The next day I woke up with no doubt that God existed. I could see that He had intervened in the "cleansing" of my sleep that night. I wanted to tell everyone what had happened.

From that day on, everything slowly began to change. This happened around February 21, 2023...

March was a difficult month of trials, as the enemy tried to confuse me and make me doubt what God had given me.

But everything truly fell into place in April 2023, when I resumed a project I had previously abandoned due to the frustrations of living an empty life.

This project was an online radio station that I had created in 2020 as entertainment during the pandemic and had abandoned in 2022 when depression and frustrations began to creep in.

I am passionate about radio, both DXing (studying analog radio waves) and broadcasting (creating a station with professional on-air talent, music, and programming).

Well, I'll continue with what happened in April of that year. One morning I woke up thinking about how I could continue the project and professionalize it (for example, by not repeating artists every so often). It was something that bothered me, since, in addition to my passion for radio, I have an extremely obsessive mind (or rather, I used to). The idea of artists not repeating themselves so frequently was frustrating.



Well, that morning I woke up with a brilliant idea that would allow me to professionally avoid repeating artists... and I was absolutely bursting with joy! I felt so grateful for the great idea I had and saw it as a great gift from God, a chance to return to the hobby and get even more out of it than before.

So I started the project, and everything I had planned worked perfectly. And here I want to clarify something... while before knowing Christ I might have had the same "solution" to professionalize the project, I would never have been able to enjoy it as much as after knowing Him, because now I felt like I had the "authority of a son," like, "now I am free and I can do it, it's a gift from my Father," and without any kind of obsession or negative thought, I went ahead and did it.

And here's the interesting part: the beginning (or the continuation of this project) produced such immense joy in my life that this is when the biggest changes in my Christian life began.

All my life I had serious problems relating to my father. He is a very complicated person; he had very complicated parents who made him sick psychologically and spiritually his whole life. I always associated him with fear, phobia; I never showed my true personality to him... in simple terms, we never had a real father-son relationship because everything was poisoned by his traumas (on his part) and my fears (on mine).

Anyway, back to April 2023, with the radio project already underway, and the fact that I had lived a lifetime of fear with my father. What had been happening before my conversion was that I worked with my father (from 2019 to 2022), and lately he was always pressuring me to get a new job. That's why, now in April 2023, I was terrified to go out with him again because he was going to upset me about it... Until one day, tired of being locked up at home (I had been since December and now it's (We were in April) that I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to get out of the house, go for drives with him, which is what we always did. Well, one day I finally got up the nerve. He came to visit, and I suggested we go out... (he always rides a horse to a town a few kilometers from our house, and I always went with him). So I accepted his offer, and we went. I was afraid he'd pressure me about work, but when we got to the town, he suggested we stop at a gas station for coffee, and I said yes... (something I always flatly refused before I met Christ; I didn't want to be cooped up with him for even a second). And well, this time I agreed.

Then, while he was ordering the coffee... I asked myself a question that would change my relationship with my father forever: If Christ died for me and rose again... why am I afraid? At that precise moment, a great joy filled me, and when my father returned with the coffees in hand, I was no longer afraid at all... and from then on, our relationship was restored. Everything changed. I was never afraid of him again. We were able to have honest conversations, without masks, exchanging opinions. He could finally see a son without fear, and I could finally see in him a normal father, someone I wanted to help and bless... in short... our relationship was completely restored. Every single day, absolutely every day, we went to the countryside, and before that we'd stop by the station for a coffee... REMEMBER, it's APRIL...



Well, everything was going swimmingly until I started having some ups and downs, and in September 2023, one day I was lying at home and I started to feel like a voice (not necessarily audible, but more of a thought) telling me I had to abandon the radio project. Mind you, not the radio station itself, but the way I was doing it. The program I was using was pirated software, but it gave the radio a touch of professionalism. The supposed calling (which I don't know if it was from God, me, or the devil) was to replace all the pirated programs I had on my PC with free ones. I suppose maybe I was starting to make a kind of idol of the professionalism used in radio, and that's why the proposal was, supposedly, divine.

So, since I knew that if I switched from the pirated software to a free one, the radio station would lose its professional sound, I decided to just give it up... it was "all or nothing."

Well, by October 2023, I'd stopped using the radio, only turning it on occasionally... However, there came a point where I couldn't bear being without the radio and disobeying God any longer, so I started using free software (even though it didn't sound strictly professional). But then my joy gradually began to feel like a rollercoaster, and feeling frustrated about not having a professional-sounding radio station, I started to doubt whether I was truly saved or not. I began to doubt God little by little, and things gradually got more difficult.

PART 2

This continued until March 2024, when my father again suggested we work together on a bakery delivery service (he had left that job in 2023 due to health reasons), and I was truly thrilled with the offer. I was going to work with my father again, doing something I loved, with Christ as my companion and sharing in his joy. It was a job where I could also pursue my hobbies, etc.—the perfect opportunity.

Anyway, we started working together in March 2024, and everything was going more or less smoothly until around June 2024, when things started to get tense. I don't know what came "first," whether it was him with his mistreatment, or me starting to lose faith, or if, after I started losing faith, he began to see a "weaker" son (like the one from the past) and saw an open door to start mistreating me, etc... I don't know, brothers, but things started to get bad (I'm always talking about verbal abuse).

By December 2024, I was completely exhausted. I didn't want to work with him anymore. One day I came home, closed the door, and told my mother, "It's over," and well, I stopped working with him.

PART 3

In January 2025, one day while at a bar with my mother, I picked up my phone and felt the urge to revisit what I had once searched for on YouTube in 2023 while depressed: "Did Jesus exist?" I also searched it on Google, and this reopened a door to doubt. My faith became seriously unstable again, and I didn't want my father to come home. I tried not to call him, not to communicate with him.



Well, once again I became afraid of the job situation, of going out with him, of him pressuring me to get a job, etc. My mother and I didn't have financial problems because my grandmother supported us, although there was still a "gap" because she no longer brought home the money she earned with my father. However, despite my spiritual ups and downs, I could see the... The hand of God, that is, we had things listed online that hadn't sold in months, and suddenly we sold three items in just a few days. Anyway.

In December 2025, my grandmother had health complications and passed away. Now we no longer had a stable source of income and were facing rent, etc., and I was unemployed and didn't want anything to do with my father because I was terrified of his pressure.

Well, it so happened that in January 2026, I got a job at the fruit and vegetable stand, and the rhythm of my life changed completely. God didn't abandon us. I started working at the stand, and while I started off well, little by little, the work (or my indecisiveness, or my lack of faith) began to drain my energy, to the point that I lived from work to the stand without any other kind of activity in between. I'm coming from a job with my father where I spent all day in the car, and now I'm stuck in a shop all day. When I leave, I have no contact or conversation with anyone, and I don't have time to process my spiritual unease. I feel constantly "strangled."

Anyway, I told you all this to talk about the radio. Sometimes it seems like when I'm listening to it, it gives me purpose, but at the same time, I get very caught up in it, wondering if it's sinful, right, wrong, etc. At times, it seems like when I'm listening to it, it's like a "grounding wire" for me, and it eliminates the thoughts in my obsessive mind. I think more clearly, I watch less pornography, etc.

But on the other hand, my obsessive mind (or whatever it is) tells me that I'm not allowed any comfort or rest, that the Christian life is all sacrifice, that I should preach the gospel everywhere, that the only valid purpose of Christianity is to preach the gospel, that if it's not for that, then "what's the point of living this life?" In short, a whole bunch of questions that I don't know if they come from my obsessive mind, from God, from the devil, or from who.

The thing is, my life is a misery. I'm a mess, just like before I knew Christ. My mother is completely dependent on me. If I believe in Christ, she believes and goes to church. When I don't believe, she doesn't. If I jump in the river, she jumps in too, and right now I have no way of living on my own.

Anyway, brothers and sisters, if you've read this far, God bless you greatly. This is my life. The hand of God, that is, we had things listed online that hadn't sold in months, and suddenly we sold three items in just a few days. Anyway.

In December 2025, my grandmother had health complications and passed away. Now we no longer had a stable source of income and were facing rent, etc., and I was unemployed and didn't want anything to do with my father because I was terrified of his pressure.



Well, it so happened that in January 2026, I got a job at the fruit and vegetable stand, and the rhythm of my life changed completely. God didn't abandon us. I started working at the stand, and while I started off well, little by little, the work (or my indecisiveness, or my lack of faith) began to drain my energy, to the point that I lived from work to the stand without any other kind of activity in between. I'm coming from a job with my father where I spent all day in the car, and now I'm stuck in a shop all day. When I leave, I have no contact or conversation with anyone, and I don't have time to process my spiritual unease. I feel constantly "strangled."

Anyway, I told you all this to talk about the radio. Sometimes it seems like when I'm listening to it, it gives me purpose, but at the same time, I get very caught up in it, wondering if it's sinful, right, wrong, etc. At times, it seems like when I'm listening to it, it's like a "grounding wire" for me, and it eliminates the thoughts in my obsessive mind. I think more clearly, I watch less pornography, etc.

But on the other hand, my obsessive mind (or whatever it is) tells me that I'm not allowed any comfort or rest, that the Christian life is all sacrifice, that I should preach the gospel everywhere, that the only valid purpose of Christianity is to preach the gospel, that if it's not for that, then "what's the point of living this life?" In short, a whole bunch of questions that I don't know if they come from my obsessive mind, from God, from the devil, or from who.

The thing is, my life is a misery. I'm a mess, just like before I knew Christ. My mother is completely dependent on me. If I believe in Christ, she believes and goes to church. When I don't believe, she doesn't. If I jump in the river, she jumps in too, and right now I have no way of living on my own.

Anyway, brothers and sisters, if you've read this far, God bless you greatly. This is my life. The hand of God, that is, we had things listed online that hadn't sold in months, and suddenly we sold three items in just a few days. Anyway.

In December 2025, my grandmother had health complications and passed away. Now we no longer had a stable source of income and were facing rent, etc., and I was unemployed and didn't want anything to do with my father because I was terrified of his pressure.

Well, it so happened that in January 2026, I got a job at the fruit and vegetable stand, and the rhythm of my life changed completely. God didn't abandon us. I started working at the stand, and while I started off well, little by little, the work (or my indecisiveness, or my lack of faith) began to drain my energy, to the point that I lived from work to the stand without any other kind of activity in between. I'm coming from a job with my father where I spent all day in the car, and now I'm stuck in a shop all day. When I leave, I have no contact or conversation with anyone, and I don't have time to process my spiritual unease. I feel constantly "strangled."

Anyway, I told you all this to talk about the radio. Sometimes it seems like when I'm listening to it, it gives me purpose, but at the same time, I get very caught up in it, wondering if it's sinful, right, wrong, etc. At times, it seems like when I'm listening to it, it's like a "grounding wire" for me, and it eliminates the thoughts in my obsessive mind. I think more clearly, I watch less pornography, etc.



But on the other hand, my obsessive mind (or whatever it is) tells me that I'm not allowed any comfort or rest, that the Christian life is all sacrifice, that I should preach the gospel everywhere, that the only valid purpose of Christianity is to preach the gospel, that if it's not for that, then "what's the point of living this life?" In short, a whole bunch of questions that I don't know if they come from my obsessive mind, from God, from the devil, or from who.

The thing is, my life is a misery. I'm a mess, just like before I knew Christ. My mother is completely dependent on me. If I believe in Christ, she believes and goes to church. When I don't believe, she doesn't. If I jump in the river, she jumps in too, and right now I have no way of living on my own.

Anyway, brothers and sisters, if you've read this far, God bless you greatly. This is my life. The hand of God, that is, we had things listed online that hadn't sold in months, and suddenly we sold three items in just a few days. Anyway.

In December 2025, my grandmother had health complications and passed away. Now we no longer had a stable source of income and were facing rent, etc., and I was unemployed and didn't want anything to do with my father because I was terrified of his pressure.

Well, it so happened that in January 2026, I got a job at the fruit and vegetable stand, and the rhythm of my life changed completely. God didn't abandon us. I started working at the stand, and while I started off well, little by little, the work (or my indecisiveness, or my lack of faith) began to drain my energy, to the point that I lived from work to the stand without any other kind of activity in between. I'm coming from a job with my father where I spent all day in the car, and now I'm stuck in a shop all day. When I leave, I have no contact or conversation with anyone, and I don't have time to process my spiritual unease. I feel constantly "strangled."

Anyway, I told you all this to talk about the radio. Sometimes it seems like when I'm listening to it, it gives me purpose, but at the same time, I get very caught up in it, wondering if it's sinful, right, wrong, etc. At times, it seems like when I'm listening to it, it's like a "grounding wire" for me, and it eliminates the thoughts in my obsessive mind. I think more clearly, I watch less pornography, etc.

But on the other hand, my obsessive mind (or whatever it is) tells me that I'm not allowed any comfort or rest, that the Christian life is all sacrifice, that I should preach the gospel everywhere, that the only valid purpose of Christianity is to preach the gospel, that if it's not for that, then "what's the point of living this life?" In short, a whole bunch of questions that I don't know if they come from my obsessive mind, from God, from the devil, or from who.

The thing is, my life is a misery. I'm a mess, just like before I knew Christ. My mother is completely dependent on me. If I believe in Christ, she believes and goes to church. When I don't believe, she doesn't. If I jump in the river, she jumps in too, and right now I have no way of living on my own.



Anyway, brothers and sisters, if you've read this far, God bless you greatly. This is my life. The hand of God, that is, we had things listed online that hadn't sold in months, and suddenly we sold three items in just a few days. Anyway.

In December 2025, my grandmother had health complications and passed away. Now we no longer had a stable source of income and were facing rent, etc., and I was unemployed and didn't want anything to do with my father because I was terrified of his pressure.

Well, it so happened that in January 2026, I got a job at the fruit and vegetable stand, and the rhythm of my life changed completely. God didn't abandon us. I started working at the stand, and while I started off well, little by little, the work (or my indecisiveness, or my lack of faith) began to drain my energy, to the point that I lived from work to the stand without any other kind of activity in between. I'm coming from a job with my father where I spent all day in the car, and now I'm stuck in a shop all day. When I leave, I have no contact or conversation with anyone, and I don't have time to process my spiritual unease. I feel constantly "strangled."

Anyway, I told you all this to talk about the radio. Sometimes it seems like when I'm listening to it, it gives me purpose, but at the same time, I get very caught up in it, wondering if it's sinful, right, wrong, etc. At times, it seems like when I'm listening to it, it's like a "grounding wire" for me, and it eliminates the thoughts in my obsessive mind. I think more clearly, I watch less pornography, etc.

But on the other hand, my obsessive mind (or whatever it is) tells me that I'm not allowed any comfort or rest, that the Christian life is all sacrifice, that I should preach the gospel everywhere, that the only valid purpose of Christianity is to preach the gospel, that if it's not for that, then "what's the point of living this life?" In short, a whole bunch of questions that I don't know if they come from my obsessive mind, from God, from the devil, or from who.

The thing is, my life is a misery. I'm a mess, just like before I knew Christ. My mother is completely dependent on me. If I believe in Christ, she believes and goes to church. When I don't believe, she doesn't. If I jump in the river, she jumps in too, and right now I have no way of living on my own.

Anyway, brothers and sisters, if you've read this far, God bless you greatly. This is my life. The hand of God, that is, we had things listed online that hadn't sold in months, and suddenly we sold three items in just a few days. Anyway.

In December 2025, my grandmother had health complications and passed away. Now we no longer had a stable source of income and were facing rent, etc., and I was unemployed and didn't want anything to do with my father because I was terrified of his pressure.

Well, it so happened that in January 2026, I got a job at the fruit and vegetable stand, and the rhythm of my life changed completely. God didn't abandon us. I started working at the stand, and while I started off well, little by little, the work (or my indecisiveness, or my lack of faith) began to drain my energy, to the point that I lived from work to the stand without any other kind of activity in between. I'm coming from a job with my father where I spent all day in the car, and now I'm stuck in a shop all day. When I leave, I have no contact or conversation with anyone, and I don't have time to process my spiritual unease. I feel constantly "strangled."

Anyway, I told you all this to talk about the radio. Sometimes it seems like when I'm listening to it, it gives me purpose, but at the same time, I get very caught up in it, wondering if it's sinful, right, wrong, etc. At times, it seems like when I'm listening to it, it's like a "grounding wire" for me, and it eliminates the thoughts in my obsessive mind. I think more clearly, I watch less pornography, etc.

But on the other hand, my obsessive mind (or whatever it is) tells me that I'm not allowed any comfort or rest, that the Christian life is all sacrifice, that I should preach the gospel everywhere, that the only valid purpose of Christianity is to preach the gospel, that if it's not for that, then "what's the point of living this life?" In short, a whole bunch of questions that I don't know if they come from my obsessive mind, from God, from the devil, or from who.

The thing is, my life is a misery. I'm a mess, just like before I knew Christ. My mother is completely dependent on me. If I believe in Christ, she believes and goes to church. When I don't believe, she doesn't. If I jump in the river, she jumps in too, and right now I have no way of living on my own.

Anyway, brothers and sisters, if you've read this far, God bless you greatly. This is my life.

Thank you, brother. I want to clarify first of all that the job isn't as "horrible" as I've written in previous posts. My obsession is whether "this is where I'm meant to be right now" or "I have so much knowledge and I'm just wasting my time doing this." In other words, the job is 20% of the problem, and my mind, or rather, me, is 80%. Between 2019 and 2025, I did jobs where, literally, "the least effort" was required. I'm finding it very difficult to accept my current reality... but anyway, I don't want to confuse you like I try to confuse myself every day, wallowing in frustration.
I am the problem, brothers. We know that no job or anything else can be a "real problem" if we are in Christ, as I once was, and now I'm not sure I am, or even if I want to be. My pride is tremendous, I'm very hurt, I've been harsh with some people (and they've been harsh with me too), and I can't heal. I hold so much hatred in my heart, so much resentment, so much poison. I can't seem to repent. Sometimes I do, but it's fleeting.

Hugs. Thank you for praying for me, for your patience, and for encouraging me. God bless you all abundantly.

And when I say "God," I think "God (if He exists)," but it's not that I don't believe. It's that I'm angry with Him. I feel overwhelmed by reality; I'm hurting.
I'll leave you now; I don't want to elicit pity.