Dealing with others that believe in Patriarchy and/or Complementarianism

peaceful-forest · Apr 25, 2026

** Note - this is only for Egalitarians. Please read this sub-forum's rules before posting to avoid any violations. Thank you **

To those of you that are Egalitarians, how do you deal with others who promote and teach the Patriarchy and/or Complementarian beliefs and lifestyles? How do you deal with the emotions like anger, sadness, disturbed, etc. that happen with you come across those beliefs? Do you have a healthy way to handle it?

Sometimes I get angry and it overtakes me. I've been working on it. I don't want it to consume me. Sometimes I pray for the person to change and see the truth.

I usually come across this type of content when I'm browsing Gab (it's a social media website for those that don't know). There have been times I've wanted to create an account to say something, but I don't know if I can deal with the other person being violent and blasphemous.

PloverWing · Apr 25, 2026

At this stage of my life, I've been able to put some emotional distance between myself and complementarianism, so I don't get as scared or angry as I used to. If one of my children were considering a complementarian marriage, I'd warn them, and if I knew someone who was physically or emotionally unsafe, I'd try to help; but beyond that, some people live destructive lifestyles that I can't stop, and I take a breath and let them make their choices.

It helps that I have the luxury of working in a place where sexist discrimination is illegal, and attending a church that explicitly renounces sexism. The sexism that remains tends to be cultural habits that we grew up with and aren't really aware of; in those cases, I can gently but firmly say "that's not how we do things here" or "that can hurt people", and the other person will say, "oh, yeah, sorry" and try to do better.

If I'm visiting a patriarchal church (e.g., a Catholic parish or an Independent Fundamental Baptist church), I go in knowing that we're going to have disagreements, and I just try to set those aside for an hour to be a polite guest. I think, actually, that the emotionally hardest kind of church for me to visit would be one of the separatist Anglican churches in the US, because they're so much like me, and yet we have gender as a dividing point. Emotions are funny; some of the most intense emotions happen in clashes with the people closest to us.

As to social media, most of the patriarchy I encounter is here on Christian Forums. Sometimes I argue back, but sometimes I just walk away, for my own spiritual and emotional health. I don't have to respond to everything that's said on CF. Sometimes, I realize it's time to close the computer and go take a walk in the park or read a good book.

I do appreciate, though, how infuriating complementarianism can be, and how damaging it can be to teens and young adults who are still sorting out who they are.

2PhiloVoid · Apr 26, 2026

PloverWing said:
At this stage of my life, I've been able to put some emotional distance between myself and complementarianism, so I don't get as scared or angry as I used to. If one of my children were considering a complementarian marriage, I'd warn them, and if I knew someone who was physically or emotionally unsafe, I'd try to help; but beyond that, some people live destructive lifestyles that I can't stop, and I take a breath and let them make their choices.

It helps that I have the luxury of working in a place where sexist discrimination is illegal, and attending a church that explicitly renounces sexism. The sexism that remains tends to be cultural habits that we grew up with and aren't really aware of; in those cases, I can gently but firmly say "that's not how we do things here" or "that can hurt people", and the other person will say, "oh, yeah, sorry" and try to do better.

If I'm visiting a patriarchal church (e.g., a Catholic parish or an Independent Fundamental Baptist church), I go in knowing that we're going to have disagreements, and I just try to set those aside for an hour to be a polite guest. I think, actually, that the emotionally hardest kind of church for me to visit would be one of the separatist Anglican churches in the US, because they're so much like me, and yet we have gender as a dividing point. Emotions are funny; some of the most intense emotions happen in clashes with the people closest to us.

As to social media, most of the patriarchy I encounter is here on Christian Forums. Sometimes I argue back, but sometimes I just walk away, for my own spiritual and emotional health. I don't have to respond to everything that's said on CF. Sometimes, I realize it's time to close the computer and go take a walk in the park or read a good book.

I do appreciate, though, how infuriating complementarianism can be, and how damaging it can be to teens and young adults who are still sorting out who they are.

You visit Independent Fundamentalist Baptist churches? .... you're braver than I thought!

PloverWing · Apr 26, 2026

2PhiloVoid said:
You visit Independent Fundamentalist Baptist churches? .... you're braver than I thought!

Yup. I'd never met self-described Fundamentalists before we moved to New Jersey, but they have them here: "Independent Fundamental" on their church signs and their websites. We visited an Independent Fundamental Baptist church when we first moved here and were visiting all the churches in town. (It turned out not to be a good fit for us, go figure.) And I attended another one earlier this month for the funeral of a friend of mine. I was polite to them, and they were polite in return.

2PhiloVoid · Apr 26, 2026

PloverWing said:
Yup. I'd never met self-described Fundamentalists before we moved to New Jersey, but they have them here: "Independent Fundamental" on their church signs and their websites. We visited an Independent Fundamental Baptist church when we first moved here and were visiting all the churches in town. (It turned out not to be a good fit for us, go figure.) And I attended another one earlier this month for the funeral of a friend of mine. I was polite to them, and they were polite in return.

That's interesting to know. I'm just surprised that a full-on egalitarian would even bother with an IFB church. On the one hand, I understand the attempt to be open in an ecumenical way, but on the other, even for myself after having been raised in a family who attended an IFB church for several months when I was age 3 or 4, and hearing from my parents for many years afterward how much they regretted going there, I've never been able to be open to that possibility.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there for further discussion in this thread I suppose.

JacquelineDeane55 · Apr 26, 2026

Both my parents were Independent Fundamental Baptists. They were strict with my upbringing and were conservative in their beliefs. They watched Fox News and always voted Republican. My mom seems to think that Democrats are evil because a lot of them oppose Christianity. Well, at least the ones she has seen on the News in the Senate and House do.

My parents argued that the man leading the home is supported by Scripture in the New Testament.

I am more non-denominational though. I left the Baptist church about a month ago.

My father is dead, but my mom is still alive. She is starting to loose her eyesight and she needs me to read things for her.

My father was verbally abusive to me in the first half of my life, but as he grew older he became a much better person and I was able to form a good father-daughter relationship with him before he died of stomach cancer in 2022. He was greatly loved. We all still miss him. I have forgiven him of how he treated us when we were young. I have forgiven a lot of people of their crimes actually.

It's ironic how my parents claimed to be Christians and yet my dad sometimes acted like the devil. People like him give Christianity a bad name; its a religion of love and peace. God is love, the Scriptures say. That is why I agree with it. I try to pattern my life after love and peace as well.

JacquelineDeane55 · Apr 26, 2026

Just wondering, but what is an egalitarian? I have never heard of such a person before. What makes you different from what my parents were like? What sets you apart and makes you unique?

JacquelineDeane55 · Apr 26, 2026

Oh, I'm sorry. Was this thread only for Egalitarians like yourself? I'm sorry. If the mods feel like my posts don't belong here I guess they can just delete it.

PloverWing · Apr 26, 2026

JacquelineDeane55 said:
Just wondering, but what is an egalitarian? I have never heard of such a person before. What makes you different from what my parents were like? What sets you apart and makes you unique?

The reference is to gender equality. From the Statement of Purpose:

The Egalitarian Christians forum is a forum for discussion and fellowship for members who believe in Bibllcal equality between men and women. Some things about Egalitarians include:

Belief that the Bible teaches the full equality of men and women in Creation and in Redemption

Belief that both woman and man were created for full and equal partnership.

Belief that man and woman were co-participants in the Fall

Belief that husbands and wives are joint heirs together of the grace of life and that they are bound together in a relationship of mutual submission and responsibility

Belief that both mothers and fathers are to exercise leadership in the nurture, training, discipline and teaching of their children

So we disagree with your parents' belief that the man leading the home (in way that the woman does not also lead) is Jesus' vision for humankind. Rather, we emphasize loving one's neighbor as one's self and treating others as we want to be treated, applying this to gender.

PloverWing · Apr 26, 2026

2PhiloVoid said:
That's interesting to know. I'm just surprised that a full-on egalitarian would even bother with an IFB church. On the one hand, I understand the attempt to be open in an ecumenical way, but on the other, even for myself after having been raised in a family who attended an IFB church for several months when I was age 3 or 4, and hearing from my parents for many years afterward how much they regretted going there, I've never been able to be open to that possibility.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there for further discussion in this thread I suppose.

I like to visit churches from a wide range of denominations, to experience the breadth of Christian spirituality. Eyes and ears and elbows and toes of the body of Christ, and all that.

I am spiritually indebted, in fact, to some churches in my past with whom I have sharp disagreement on matters of gender: the Orthodox Presbyterians, the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, and the Catholic Church. Each gave me some important insights and experiences about aspects of Christian faith and practice that are unrelated to gender.

Possibly the IFB churches are for you what Continuing Anglicans are for me -- too close, and therefore too painful.

2PhiloVoid · Apr 26, 2026

PloverWing said:
I like to visit churches from a wide range of denominations, to experience the breadth of Christian spirituality. Eyes and ears and elbows and toes of the body of Christ, and all that.

As you've probably seen from some of the things I've said, and being that I attempt to be somewhat ecumenical and have solidarity with all Traditional Trinitarian Christians, I've generally been willing to visit different churches. In fact, I used to do a lot of that back in the 1990s.

PloverWing said:
I am spiritually indebted, in fact, to some churches in my past with whom I have sharp disagreement on matters of gender: the Orthodox Presbyterians, the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, and the Catholic Church. Each gave me some important insights and experiences about aspects of Christian faith and practice that are unrelated to gender.

I can understand the influence, whether positive or negative in those instances.

PloverWing said:
Possibly the IFB churches are for you what Continuing Anglicans are for me -- too close, and therefore too painful.

Actually, since my experiences of that IFB church were at such a young age, I barely have any memories of it. None of them were painful, fortunately. But I found out later in life why my parents had a distaste for that style of church and they instead decided to occasionally attend the Presbyterian USA Church, because it was as my Dad would say, "Less staunch, more laid back and easy going." In all of that, I never knew as a kid that egalitarian or complementarian issues were a thing, and my parents never talked about those things, although if I think about it now, it seems like my parents simply practiced an unspoken Gender Humility.

Aussie52 · Apr 26, 2026

peaceful-forest said:
** Note - this is only for Egalitarians. Please read this sub-forum's rules before posting to avoid any violations. Thank you **

To those of you that are Egalitarians, how do you deal with others who promote and teach the Patriarchy and/or Complementarian beliefs and lifestyles? How do you deal with the emotions like anger, sadness, disturbed, etc. that happen with you come across those beliefs? Do you have a healthy way to handle it?

Sometimes I get angry and it overtakes me. I've been working on it. I don't want it to consume me. Sometimes I pray for the person to change and see the truth.

I usually come across this type of content when I'm browsing Gab (it's a social media website for those that don't know). There have been times I've wanted to create an account to say something, but I don't know if I can deal with the other person being violent and blasphemous.

I worship at a non-denominational church. The official position there is mild complementarian. I find it difficult at times, I just hold my peace and say to myself, God has you here for a purpose.
We have a lady in our church, wife of one of the Elders. She is a great preacher, in high demand in the women's conventions, but sadly, we never get to hear her preach in Church because, 'a woman should never teach'. in a mixed gender gathering.
I really believe we miss greatly, the possible contribution of women's ministry in my church. I guess only God can change hearts & minds.

Paidiske · Apr 27, 2026

It's funny, I'm just now writing up something to take to my supervisor, wrestling with this exact problem.

I've recently decided to withdraw my teenaged daughter from a congregation where people were being loudly (and obnoxiously) complementarian. That, at least, is one boundary I can set.

Aussie52 · Apr 27, 2026

Paidiske said:
It's funny, I'm just now writing up something to take to my supervisor, wrestling with this exact problem.

I've recently decided to withdraw my teenaged daughter from a congregation where people were being loudly (and obnoxiously) complementarian. That, at least, is one boundary I can set.

Wise move. Teenage kids are so impressionable and can also be easily hurt. Spiritual abuse is to be avoided at all costs.

bèlla · Apr 27, 2026

I think it's important to separate the cross from human intellect. There isn't an ideology put forth by any institution that perfectly aligns with the word because it didn't come from the Lord. There's also the necessity of drawing distinctions between adult behavior towards us and our response to positions we don't agree with. They're not one in the same and response is a choice.

In my experience the crux of the issue has no bearing on the subject but is a common problem when one identifies strongly with an ideal and embraces the label. That's when differences feel personal and diversity is like sandpiper. I've spent years in subcultures and the same holds true. Us versus them is the norm. The path beyond it is recognizing their autonomy much like your own. Everyone thinks they're right and that's the problem.

Gab is a social media platform. Not a friend, neighbor or co-worker that you have to deal with. You're allowing something you control to do otherwise and giving it too much attention. It's all you talk about.

~bella

2PhiloVoid · May 5, 2026

peaceful-forest said:
** Note - this is only for Egalitarians. Please read this sub-forum's rules before posting to avoid any violations. Thank you **

To those of you that are Egalitarians, how do you deal with others who promote and teach the Patriarchy and/or Complementarian beliefs and lifestyles? How do you deal with the emotions like anger, sadness, disturbed, etc. that happen with you come across those beliefs? Do you have a healthy way to handle it?

Sometimes I get angry and it overtakes me. I've been working on it. I don't want it to consume me. Sometimes I pray for the person to change and see the truth.

I usually come across this type of content when I'm browsing Gab (it's a social media website for those that don't know). There have been times I've wanted to create an account to say something, but I don't know if I can deal with the other person being violent and blasphemous.

How to deal with it? I usually give them a cold, dead stare and grunt through my clinched teeth. And if that doesn't work, I grab my already beaten copy of Gerda Lerner's book, The Creation of Partriarchy, and smack them across the cheek with it as a wake up call.............

And if that doesn't work, I circle them 7 times and blow a trumpet.

I'll let you know if and when any of these tactics bear fruit.

Aussie52 · May 30, 2026

This is me venting!!!!
We had a men's breakfast at Church this morning, The speaker, an Elder of my Church, spoke on the subject of, 'a Christian response to the terms, "Patriarchy & Toxic Masculinity"'. He spoke of the roles of men and women in marriage with the usual Complementarian ideas of male headship and female submission. If this was not bad enough (I was getting angry) he went on to describe women as 'prone to error' and the need for husbands to guide and intervene etc. There was some discussion on women being the 'weaker vessels' which I felt that a lot of the comments demeaning of women. (Now I was furious). Everyone there seemed to like what was said. I on the other hand was completely flabbergasted!

I was supposed to stay for a working bee afterwards but went home in a state of utter disgust
What am I doing in this Church I thought to myself.
I already live in tension there as theologically I am Wesleyan- Arminian and they, mildly Calvinist.
My wife, who is not a Christian asked why I came home early and I told her why, in the most charitable way I could.
Her response was one of disbelief and horror.
Another Church is not an option where I live. Theologically, I would be at home in a Wesleyan Methodist Church or Church of the Nazarene, with their many female pastors but neither Churches are near my location.
I am at a loss as to what I should be doing.
I preach occasionally, but the doctrinal restraints on their 'positions' makes doing so difficult.

I have to go tomorrow to Church. If anyone asks why I left early, I am of half a mind to tell the reason.

End of vent!!!

Paidiske · May 30, 2026

I think you should tell them the reason. Not disruptively, or disrespectfully, but clearly.

How will they know that this is the impression their comments formed, if no one tells them? (Heck, I'd be of a mind to write a formal letter to the church board or whatever the equivalent body is).

I'm surprised there isn't a better option for you in Sydney, though. A Uniting Church, maybe?

Aussie52 · May 30, 2026

Paidiske said:
I think you should tell them the reason. Not disruptively, or disrespectfully, but clearly.

How will they know that this is the impression their comments formed, if no one tells them? (Heck, I'd be of a mind to write a formal letter to the church board or whatever the equivalent body is).

I'm surprised there isn't a better option for you in Sydney, though. A Uniting Church, maybe?

Once I get over my initial reaction, I will look into a way of informing them of my feelings.
Alas, the Uniting Church is too Liberal theologically for my tastes unfortunately.
Thanks for your reply.
Blessings.

bèlla · May 30, 2026

Jeff Carr said:
Once I get over my initial reaction, I will look into a way of informing them of my feelings.
Alas, the Uniting Church is too Liberal theologically for my tastes unfortunately.
Thanks for your reply.
Blessings.

While I understand your feelings your response to @Paidiske is telling. You won't attend the Uniting Church because it's too liberal but have difficulty viewing the other with a similar grace. If you want egalitarian theology that's where you should go. If there isn't a church in your vicinity you'll have to make a decision.

If likemindedness is desirable you need to find your people. What you're addressing is akin to a protestant asking a catholic to change. You're the lone one dissenting and already hold different views theologically. Why are you upset with them believing as they do when you're not on the same page?

You can't have it both ways. If egalitarian believers congregate with the Uniting Church that's where you should go and learn to accommodate. Asking another group to consider your perspective while overlooking the other without doing the same seems odd. No church will articulate your beliefs to the letter. You have to pick and choose your battles.

Your walk with the Lord will never mirror what you hear on Sunday or in conversations with believers. We're all at different points and you don't have to get offended. If something makes you uncomfortable you take it the Father in prayer and ask him to strengthen your breastplate. That's why He tells you to cast the care. When you internalize it you weaken your armor.

~bella

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