Seeking Godly Counsel on Boundaries, Stewardship, and Honoring My Marriage

Not that it necessarily implies anything, but what is the nationality of your husband, and what, of yourself? It may have much to do with how to handle it. Much is assumed when people get married, that they don't begin to understand until sometimes long after they marry. All they know is they are butting heads and don't enjoy it.

Wondering if the frequency gives weight to the view of enabling.

Anne_ said:

Hi everyone. I am reaching out anonymously because I am struggling with a situation and am seeking some godly wisdom.

My two adult siblings are currently unemployed. One of them, who is nearly 40, periodically asks me for small amounts of money for supplements. While I want to be generous and give him the benefit of the doubt—knowing how challenging the job market can be—I also recognize the need for boundaries. They are currently being supported by my 60-year-old uncle for their daily food needs, which weighs heavily on me.

The complication is with my spouse. He believes that giving them money is enabling them rather than helping them. However, there is a point of tension in our home: my husband frequently gives money to his own sister (such as paying for his nieces' and nephews' school uniforms), even though those children have parents who are responsible for them.

Whenever I try to discuss this with my spouse, it unfortunately escalates into an enormous fight. I feel caught between my desire to help my brothers, the need to respect my husband’s stance on boundaries, and the pain of feeling like there is an inconsistency in how we handle family support.

How can I navigate this? How do I balance compassion for my siblings with honoring my marriage and avoiding the 'enabling' trap? I am looking for prayer and biblical guidance on how to approach these conversations with my husband without them turning into conflict, and how to define healthy boundaries in this season. Thank you for your support.

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Unfortunately women who are in a complimentarian marriage have put their husband in control including hampering God's will for them. There are no boundaries in this type of marriage as a woman must be submissive and eventually the husband, being in the flesh, can abuse such an arrangement.

Now if this is comming from you, a biblical directive to submit to your husband, then please revisit scripture. There are surrounding verses that are constantly ignored which say " submit to one another". Now If this type of marriage is coming from your husband or church, kindly remind him/ them that the " will of our Father" supersedes any earthly directive and scripture never tells us not to help the needy. In fact, I would go as far as saying it is a sinful act on his part to stop you. Additionally, it is not our place to judge those in need or to put up boundaries due to unfortunate circumstances.

"So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver."

One more thing, if 2 Thessalonians 3:10 is used to justify withholding your kind actions I would remind them that this verse is not a command to ignore the needy; it was a specific warning to a local church about capable members who chose to be idle and exploit communal charity because they thought the world was ending. Paul was correcting a deliberate refusal to work, not an inability to work, which is why he also fiercely defended his lifelong mission to "remember the poor".

Hope this helps!
Be blessed.

Wise judgment, or that is, discernment, is probably the only way to resolve such gray areas.

Helping is never bad and God, being love (1 John 4:8), would have us to do all we can for others if it is possible for us to do so (John 13:34 - John 13:35). It brings glory to God, plants seeds into the hearts of others who haven't known or who don't understand God's love, and it can grow inside them into seeking God more (Romans 2:4).

With that said you obviously don't want to become a doormat for people and be abused either, and giving some an inch means they will take an entire mile.

Questions are typically the route to resolutions (along with prayer), if they are answered and followed up on. Solutions never arise where questions are not asked, or when questions stop being asked, because solutions are in the dark and light must be shined on them.

Are these legitimate needs or just wants?
How much is actually appropriate to give?
Is this a constant occurrence or just for a time?
Are we being abused or can this benefit everyone?
Could they earn them somehow and pay through offering help somehow as a trade off?
Could we try to gently encourage them to put more effort into a job search and inform them of the pressure it is causing?
Is this something we feel God is putting on our hearts to do?

Communication breaks down when the other person doesn't feel heard or understood by us, and so trying to bridge that gap by using more details or explaining things we "think" they should understand can mitigate escalation of emotions and prevent more harsh words in a disagreement (Proverbs 15:1). Reassuring the other person, especially in a relationship, that you are on their side even if you have your own opinion can also help to keep both people from feeling like it is a me vs you situation, and more of a "this is something we have to figure out together" situation. Easier said than done, as always, but it can help at times.

Also, a wise soldier once told me that if you can control your voice, then you can control your emotions. It's a handy little tool that can make things easier with practice concerning intense environments or scenarios where it is harder to maintain composure. Can be hard to remember when distracted by frustration, but if it can be remembered, I can attest it has helped me.

We often (at least I have for sure) feel like we are losing out when we help someone who can't repay us for the kindness and love we are showing them. It seems we worked hard for something, and we are just giving away everything we worked for to someone who is getting it without lifting a finger without any repayment, but this isn't really the case. There will be rewards in the Kingdom when we see God face to face, and He makes it very clear and in no uncertain terms that we 1) will not lost our reward (reverse inference - Mark 9:41) and, 2) whatever we do in love for others, we are doing it to Christ Himself (Matthew 25:40).

We aren't really losing anything if we possess the ability to help others without it crippling us in life. God says that when we make a feast, to bring in those who cannot repay you so that you will have blessings from God Himself at the resurrection (Luke 14:13 - Luke 14:14). No one can pay back a debt better than God, and Christ says to store up treasure in Heaven also in Matthew 6:20 where everything is better and nothing is ever lost, damaged, or stolen.

Doing good is never bad, so long as someone isn't enabling poor habits (food money used for drugs, or causing pure laziness crippling the individual) and so long as it doesn't prevent one from taking care of their own responsibilities. The best answer to be had is from God, and He says prayers are answered when they are persistent (Luke 18:5) and in faith and trust in Him (Hebrews 11:6). PUSH and Pray Until Something Happens. Prayer really truly works, even when it doesn't seem like it is, if we keep holding on to trust (faith) in Christ, eventually we realize God has answered.

Will say a prayer for you and hope you get this worked out. Husbands and wives are a team in life, and second hand issues don't deserve to be in the middle of that. Blessings on blessings.

You can suggest that your sibling ask your husband. The odds are the request will not be made.

Do you and your husband budget for your giving or generosity?

If you and your husband had a set amount of money that could be given away, could you two split it evenly and each do as you choose with your half?

The situation probably looks different from his perspective. You're financially assisting two men while he's aiding his sister while blessing her children. You mention their parents support them which they should while your brothers are being helped by a 60 year old relative. You've asked for advice but left out details which may provide insight on his reasons.

What is his relationship with your brothers? Is it favorable?
Are they single or married? Do they have any children?
How long have they been out of work?
Do they live alone or with family?
How are they meeting their expenses?
Is their work record consistent?

Men don't usually mind helping a man once on a while if he's responsible and making an effort. But when that's spotty they can be reluctant. I noticed you live in the Philippines. Is your husband American by chance and he is assisting others in your family or has he in the past?

This topic has come up before with international marriages and the expectation of financial assistance is usually a sticking point. The American spouse is usually the one pushing against it.

~bella