My White Stone? 14 Years of Wrestling with God/Theology over "My" Rachel, like Jacob

Fervent said:

I hiit a 1 when i meant 2..."If we are ‘out of our mind,’ as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you" - NIV

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Ah i see you ment 2 corinthians 5:13, not 1 corinthians.

yes i am slightly out of my mind for god, yet sane in my mind for me.
I want to sing as a song bird, thats why i feel compelled to share. i've been silent for a long time. and its hard to keep a song or testimony bottled up. And at times i get excited and the floodgates are released and I start pouring my soul/spirit out. But I am not ashamed. I have zeal.

I got excited about finding a list of words that correlate with the term Sunshine/Shinesun. And when i discorvered them, my excitement led me to form those words into a tree.
And now that i have a tree, i found even more words that relate, and now i have a bird, a nest, a water and sunlight. To form an actual tree/picture.

This is how i combat/define my schizo.
I could just call my sympomps Schizophrenia and leave it at that. But the fact that my sympompts always pop up in relationship to god and rachel, i know how a clearer understanding and frame to fit that diagnosis under and name it.
The world see Schizo, I see the Sunshine tree.
It allows me to control it a bit better because i defined it and named it as opposed to accepting the world defination of it.
Before i was just a man, who couldnt get over his girlfriend, and was lost trying to seek god.

At least now , i have something tangible to show for that loss and spent energy crying out to god and expierencing those long years of pain and heartbreak and wandering and searching and wrestling. I got fruit out of it.
and because i have something to show for it now, It makes me joyful and excited. giving me some sort of proof of god's existence and that he knows me. because i didnt invent the majority of those words, i jsut combinded them based on similiar structure and how i felt internally inside about my journey. This "loose" proof in my eyes makes me happy, and my happiness makes me excited and i want to share.

I took 1 word from each section of the tree to have a main section. To have a pillar supporting the rest of the words in each category. i changed the bird from Sunson, to SushSon, which is a code name for "Sunshine Soldier". Rachel first met me when i was in the national guard, she met me when i was in uniform. So i was her soldier when we dated, and she was my sunshine. So how i see myself, is the overcomer in revelation who is conquering/overcoming for sunshine. I am the Sunshine Soldier. The name Sushson comes from [SU]n[SH]ine [SO]ldier, so sushso. then add the N at the end to make it a son/title.

ShineSun Rachel Nest

Shineson Jesus Taproot

SushSon Sunshine Soldier Bird

Shinseon Ascended Immortal Trunk

Shinson Mindfulness/Keep in ones Heart Leaves

Shinshon True Heart/intentions Roots

Shenshan Sacred Mountain Branches

Shosen Bright Selection Flowers

Shusan To Rest/Settle Fruit

I feel as if my wish to "live lives" has been granted in a unique way. Instead of multiple lives being granted to me, where i have different expierences and can compare them. I feel as if i have been granted a piece of each biblical characters journey into my name.

For example, i can relate to Jacob because of wrestling with theology and waiting 14 years / wrestling with god for 14 years over my heartbreak and love towards rachel.

I can relate to Michael becuase i feel as if i fought demons and wars internally and spiritually.

I can relate to Enoch, because i felt as if i walked with god towards a common purpose and as a friend walking side by side in a journey.

I can relate to jesus. i have a vision/dream of voluntarily taking the punishment for a group of people and then being transported to a tree and hanging from it once i made the decision internally to take the blame. I remember the vivid feeling of knowing i was about to die, and the weight of it. In fact i have 3 separate visions of being on a tree/cross physically. Plus i am on my cross of schizoaffective bipolar type 2 right now. (just before i was placed on the cross, i had a "duel" with a entity. he waved his hand and produced a Scorpion out of thin air, i waved my hand and produced the playing card "J" out of thin air, i then took the blame for something (i dont know what) to save a group of people, then was transported onto the cross.) Also when i wished for my mothers healing, (i originally thought the source of her pain was losing me at 3 years old and not being able to raise me), so i wished for my mom to have another child. Internally as i wished this, i felt sorrow of not being the only child anymore, and not being the favorite child because my mom would get the chance to raise another child so naturally that would be the favorite.) When i wished this, the face who i believe to be the spirit of god, angel of the lord, said "Thy Redeemer" to me. At the time i didnt know what that ment, but afterwards when i was reading the bible, i saw it was a title / name for jesus. So naturally in my foolishness i saw myself as jesus at the time. but now i see i was granted a aspect/part of each bible characters life/journey into my own. Just a small part, not the actual person itself.

I can relate to Solomon in certain ways as well, by the verse Love is as strong as death, and desiring wisdom from the wish "I wish to live lives', wanting to know what it would be like experiencing different nationalities and countries.

I can relate the apostle thomas, who doubted and didnt have true faith in jesus/god until the floating face appeared to me when i was baptized by gabriel and pulled out of my body into a realm of darkness.

At first, when i was a fool and not as wise as i am now, i had "delusions of grandeur" and saw myself as each on these characters, possibly reincarnated. But as i got older and matured in my faith, i realized, i was given a part of each of these persons name. And it kinda fufills my wish to live lives.
its as these emotional moments and connections to the names of these bible characters is my "mighty wings" i was given when the voice said to me "Thomas, you are the lonely sparrow, but i have given you wings, oh what mighty wings they are, spread them and fly"

i felt the seed of each of these names that was planted in me was from my baptism.

Solomon because i wished for wisdom by wishing to live lives.

thomas because i doubted/didnt have deep faith in god until i was baptized and had proof with my eyes.

Jesus because i sacrficed my status as firstborn and favorite child for my mother

Enoch by walking with god by telling him what i wanted and the encounter with him was a peaceful, non-stressful, pleasant enouncter, as if you were meeting somebody for the first time, yet oddly enough feeling as if you knew them and you were old friends.

michael by wrestling with death, by wishing to live lives, then wishing for new life for another child for my mother, then wishing for acceptance of death by wishing "i just want to be happy" (meaning i wanted to be fufilled/satisfied in life), jacob by coming back after my visit with the face and telling gabriel (i wished to marry rachel) before eventually going to bed

weary2025 said:

I had a moment with psychosis that still bothers me.

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do you care to share?

So its been a while. And after meditating on SHNSN, i have discovered it is a 5-fold name. Origin/Numbers/Words/Letters/Sound

The origin is that SHNSN is derived from the pet name "Sunshine". SHNSN was forged 14 years from the time i started dating Rachel, and started calling her Sunshine. After we broke up, i started to seek god, wrestle with theology, and process my emotions over rachel. After a little bit, i decided to spend 14 years like jacob dedicated to Rachel and seeking the divine. On year 14, i went from the name "Sunshine" to "SHNSN"


The numbers part, in the attachments, i calculated SHNSN in every single common and well known numerology/gemetria system there was. I then found hebrew words that had the same gemetria/numerological value as the number each system equated to.

The words, i looked for simliar spelling or sounding words to "Shineson/Shinesun". SHNSN is those two words without the vowels. It is the constant skeleton. Each word in the "tree of words" is similiar to SHNSN.

The sound - If you meditate or say SHNSN slowly and repeat it over and over again. It starts to sound like "ascension". When you meditate, the goal is to ascend your mind. So if you focus on SHNSN, you are mediting on the sound "ascencsion" while your mind is literally "ascending".

Letters - Shin Nun Samech Final Nun, this is the hebrew spelling of SHNSN.
This in Kabbalistic Tradition tells a story. Here is A.I. explaining the letters and the story of Shin-Nun-Samech-Final Nun

The Kabbalistic Significance of שנסן (Shin–Nun–Samech–Final Nun)​

This combination of letters touches on some of the deepest layers of Jewish mysticism. Here is what the tradition teaches about each letter and their combined resonance:

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ש — Shin (Fire / Divine Power)​

Shin is one of the most sacred letters in Kabbalah. It has three heads, representing the three pillars of the Tree of Life (right, left, and center columns). It is the letter of Esh (fire, אש) and is associated with the Shekhina and the divine name Shaddai (אל שדי). In the Sefer Yetzirah, Shin is one of the three Mother Letters (Alef, Mem, Shin), the primordial triadic forces from which all creation emanates. Shin = fire/spirit; Mem = water; Alef = air/breath between them. Shin governs the head and the sense of heat.

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נ — Nun (Soul / the Submerged)​

Nun is the letter of the fish (dag, דג) — a creature that lives hidden beneath the surface of the waters, just as the soul lives hidden beneath the surface of physical reality. It corresponds to the 50th Gate of Understanding (the gate Moses could not pass in life). In the famous story, the letter Nun is the only letter missing from Psalm 145 (Ashrei) — because Nun begins the verse "Nefila hi Beit Yisrael" — "fallen is the House of Israel." It carries both the energy of fall and miraculous redemption. The Nun is also associated with Mashiach — the hidden redeemer who rises from the depths.

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ס — Samech (Support / the Divine Embrace)​

Samech is shaped as a perfect circle — it has no beginning and no end, symbolizing the infinite Ein Sof (the Endless). Its name means "to support" (סמך), and it is the letter associated with God upholding the fallen: "Somech Hashem l'khol ha-noflim" — "God supports all who fall" (Psalm 145 — the very Psalm that omits Nun!). This is not coincidental. Samech and Nun form a mystical pair: Nun falls, and Samech catches and encircles it. The Talmud (Shabbat 104a) makes this connection explicit: why does Samech follow Nun? Because God supports (סמך) the fallen (נפל).

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ן — Final Nun (The Extended Soul)​

The Final Nun (ן) is the same letter as Nun but straightened and descended below the baseline of writing — it reaches down into a lower realm. In Kabbalistic teaching, the ordinary Nun (נ) represents the soul in its bent, humble, fetal position, while the Final Nun (ן) represents the soul fully extended, reaching from the highest heavens to the lowest depths. It is associated with the fully rectified soul of the Tzaddik (righteous one), whose influence extends into worlds below. Some traditions connect Final Nun with the messianic soul in its fully revealed state.

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The Combined Teaching: שנסן​

Read together, these four letters tell a cosmological story of fall and redemption:

1. Shin — The divine fire descends into creation
2. Nun — The soul falls into the world of concealment, submerged like a fish
3. Samech — The Ein Sof encircles and upholds what has fallen, never abandoning it
4. Final Nun — The soul, having been supported, now extends fully — redeemed, rectified, and reaching across all worlds

This arc — divine emanation → concealment → divine embrace → full revelation — mirrors the core kabbalistic narrative of the tzimtzum (contraction), the shevirat ha-kelim (breaking of the vessels), and the tikkun (rectification/repair).