Difficult Situation with Son and Daughter-in-law

JAM2b said:

I'm going to try to keep this brief, but it's going to be hard.

My son, in his late 20s, has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, drug selling, violence, and has ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder (very high functioning), severe depression, and other mental health diagnoses. He was rejected from military due to mental health concerns, hearing trouble, and failure to pass drug test. He is currently on a very long probation, with huge fines and fees to pay, and a requirement for community service. If he messes up, he could go to prison.

He also has a history of getting involved with women who are controlling, abusive, narcissistic, and take advantage of him. I think his wife is the same way as others in his past. She just looks very different to him because she goes to church, listens to Christian music, goes to Bible studies, and participates in Celebrate Recovery. Her behaviors are very toxic though. She posted on Facebook about yelling at her family and then turning on praise music real loud. She is extremely possessive and controlling. She is impatient and yells a lot to get her way.

There were several things I noticed during a visit last week that have me very concerned. She recommended to my younger kid that if we need to replace something because it is broken, we should just buy a new one, then put the old broken one in the new box, return it, and request out money back. This is straight up stealing. I believe if a person got caught, they could be prosecuted. I told my younger kid that is wrong and not to do it. I'm worried if she gets my older son caught up in some theft or fraudulent activity, that he could go to prison, especially since he is already on parole. They also both talk about drinking alcohol and encourage each other in that, with him in recovery and trying to lead some meetings.

Another thing is that he works 12 hour shift 6-7 days a week. In addition to working-out at a gym 5-6 mornings a week. They go to church or Celebrate Recovery multiple nights a week. He takes mixed martial arts classes. He said most nights he only gets about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. He is eating a calorie deficit because he wants to lose body fat, but he is also working out to build muscle. My younger kid and I realized that she is driving a lot of that. She kept talking to him about what he can eat, how much, and was pushing him to continue to work out.

We were there for a very short visit from out of state because my father is in critical condition in the hospital (slowly recovering now). This was the first time I could visit my son since 2021. I was struggling emotionally because of the family situation and struggling physically because of pain and exhaustion. We were in the state from Monday night until Wednesday evening. Out of all that time, I think I only got about 3 hours of time with my son, spread out over just Monday night and Wednesday night.

Knowing this was a difficult time for me and that my father might die, he chose to go to Celebrate Recovery instead of having some time with me on Monday night. He was barely at his house long enough for us to have a 15-minute conversation before he went to bed. The next morning, he left the house at 4:00 a.m. to go workout, returned to shower and immediately left for work. He arrived home at 6:00 p.m., took a shower, talked with his wife in a room without us. Then we went out to eat dinner together, and after he played Phase 10 card game with us for about an hour. He said that he would skip the Celebrate Recovery meeting the next night (Wednesday) to spend the evening with me and my other kid.

During most of the visit, his wife was rude, demanding, bossy, and yelled at us. She was very defensive and confrontational about every little thing. Prior to us arriving she had told my son that I would love her more than him. I did not agree with her. This offended her, and I think that is what started her defensiveness and verbal aggression. When her loud rudeness didn't get her very far, she switched to interacting with me in a cold and matter of fact manner.

Then Wednesday, after my son had left for work, there was a gas leak because a road construction crew busted a gas line. They were getting ready to evacuate the neighborhood. She did not tell me and my other kid this. She took one kid to school, two dogs to a relative's house, told me we should shower quickly because they were cutting the gas off and we wouldn't have hot water (not that there was a leak) and then talked on the phone with family before telling me there was a gas leak and we needed to leave. This woman removed dogs from her home before telling us, mother-in-law and husband's sibling, that there was a leak and we were being evacuated. Then she abruptly left and said she had a Bible study to go to. This felt very vindictive and cruel.

I didn't know if we would be able to return to the house, so we quickly gathered our stuff and left. By the time we were trying to get out, the road was blocked, men were walking around in masks. The people working this scene didn't know we were still left in the house. They had to move vehicles, and we had to squeeze between gas company trucks and fire trucks.

I spent a few hours being worried about where they were going to stay and what were they going to eat. Then around lunch time, my son sent a text from work saying that he would not be skipping Celebrate Recovery meeting to see us that night because he is "called to lead." My younger kid and I just left the state that evening instead trying to get a few minutes with him. It felt obvious to me that they did not want us there, and that his life that she is orchestrating for him is more important to him than we are.

I understand recovery and meetings are important. So is being involved in a ministry, but when you have a serious family need (grandfather possibly dying, mother strugglingly though it with physical difficulty), I feel like taking a step back for one service or two is not out of the question. I also feel like if you are wanting to do ministry, but you can't treat your family with respect and care, then that isn't a good witness or example to others. Not only am I his mother, but I am a Christian also. He offered no comfort, support, and would not even give us much of his time. This occurred after him repeatedly telling me that he misses us and wanted to see us. He said he couldn't wait to spend time with us, and his wife was doing a lot to prepare for our visit. It's not like we showed up unannounced or uninvited.

I'm very offended, disappointed, and feeling rejected. I also feel that they are trashing their witness to others. They both drink alcohol together while he is leading Celebrate Recovery meetings. She is promoting stealing, being a verbal bully to her family (including two small kids), and pushing my son beyond what is physically healthy. All while professing Christ, listening to praise music, and attending Bible studies. It makes me feel sick. It seems to me that my son has replaced his drug addiction with extreme work hours, exercise, and making his wife happy. It is all at an unhealthy level. I feel like he is going to crash, both metaphorically and physically.

I don't know if I should say something to my son about all of this or let it go. When I have tried to talk with him in the past about other bad relationships and behaviors, he has denied there were problems and ignored me. I considered reaching out to the higher-ranking people in his local Celebrate Recovery group and trying to talk with them about the situation. I don't know how that will go though. I am very concerned about my son, and I don't want him masking his dysfunction and addiction with a superficial religious devotion and pushing his health limits. I keep thinking about the fact that there is a tactic used by controlling people to keep a person busy and exhausted, so they are easily controlled and manipulated. I worry this is what she is doing to my son who is vulnerable.

I posted another thread in Mature Singles about deciding to choose my younger kid (22) for Durable Power of Attorney and nominated guardian for me because of my older son's wife.

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