Am I more tolerant than my mother?

JacquelineDeane55 said:

My mother, who is a 66-year-old Conservative Christian Boomer, raised me in a Christian household, much like a lot of you were.

But I was taught by my mother when I was a kid that drinking, cussing, doing drugs, having sex outside of marriage, tattoos, and smoking were all morally wrong and should not be done. She was kind of strict. So I never did them growing up and as an adult I guess my training and upbringing stuck because even now at age 38 I have never done them. I have never even tasted alcohol.

There is this guy that I love with a passion, but the problem is is that he has a few vices that I don't. I am afraid that my mother is going to try and chase him off because she thinks he might not be good enough for me. She will essentially become the "evil" mother-in-law that will try to come between us and break us up!

But me? I've seen people smoke and cuss and honestly, I don't mind at all. I don't mind at all that the guy I like has a few vices that he likes to entertain. Yes, sometimes he cusses, and yes, he smokes (both things I've never done), but I am wondering if I am more tolerant than my mom because I seem to be more accepting towards people who weren't raised the same way I was. He has tattoos all over his body, but honestly, I don't care that he has them. I've seen other Christians with tattoos, to be honest. What is the big deal? Why does she hate people with tattoos?

About the tattoos though: NOWHERE does the Bible address this! The LORD is silent in the Scriptures about tattoos! So I am just going to assume that since God didn't address that subject in the Scriptures at all, that it automatically means He thinks tattoos are OK! Otherwise He would have taught against them! But He didn't! So there is that. I told my mom this but of course she won't listen to reason.

What do you guys think? Is my mother being holier-than-thou? Is she being too judgmental?

Click to expand...

Only one question - is God and serving Him the top-most priority in life for this guy - is this even more important to him than you?

Tattoos are a personal matter, but smoking and heavily drinking may point to addictions or an addiction prone personality - that's problematic. An occasional social beer/wine wouldn't bother me.

I too grew up the same way, in a strict Christian home. My mother taught me the same things. She is immediately suspect of anyone with tattoos. She did teach us not to smoke or do drugs, and so did our father separately (as my mother and father were divorced). Mother did not drink and my father had the occasional beer or two, but that was about it. Mother and father both smoked. So despite my mother being a devout Christian, she couldn't kick the habit. We did not have alcohol in mother's house except the rubbing kind. Dad might buy a six pack here and there, but like I said he only drank one or two. He even let me taste a Genesee Cream Ale once. And so when I would go visit dad it was different as there were no restrictions. Dad would buy us candy for our weekend visit. It was Brach's peanut clusters and chocolate stars as we sat down to watch movies. When he took us out to eat he always made sure we had our favorite, which for me was a sausage sandwich, and dessert of some sort.

As I've said in other posts, I left Christianity at sixteen and moved in with my father, and I lived an adult life of excess because my good paying job allowed for it. In 2005 a friend I had known for six years online was looking to escape a bad marriage, and I was lonely (I know, bad combo), so we moved in together. My mother did not like her because she had tattoos.

I didn't try to push the issue of her and mother getting along. I just ignored it. At some point either she was going to accept that she was a good person, or not, but mother wasn't going to interfere with my life choices as long as I wasn't being hurt or hurting myself in some way. The relationship lasted a year, and she ended up moving in with a good mutual friend and starting a relationship with him. That lasted many years for them and they got married. Sadly, she ended her life in front of him over a huge fight about their marriage.

My father was in the Marines, but he didn't have tattoos as many Marines do. I asked him about it. He said he didn't like tattoos, and he cautioned us boys not to get tattoos, just like mother did.

I came to my own conclusion concerning tattoos. I had considered getting one several times in the past, but I never did. Life taught me that whatever I think is cool today is tacky tomorrow. To me, tattoos speak of impulsiveness and poor life choices. Yes, there are people that get tattoos to honor something or someone, but I consider those to be equally tacky. I wouldn't want my likeness or name on someone else's body as a remembrance, but that is just me.

It has also been my experience with the women I've known and dated, that tattoos do indeed indicate impulsiveness and poor life choices. It doesn't mean they are bad people, but it is a warning sign.

Also, this verse seems to address tattoos.

Leviticus 19:28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

Concerning vices...

Smoking killed my grandfather and my father. Smoking may likely kill my mother, but for now she is still kicking at 75. My other grandmother smoked into her 90's.

I drank more than I should have. I didn't get drunk, but I kept beer in my fridge. When I came back to the faith I had a crisper full of beer, and it took me years to decide to pour it down the drain. I wasn't drinking it, but it was a constant reminder.

My own experience with vices is that they are habits that bring temporary "happiness", but you have to continue to do them or the happiness is fleeting. Whether it is alcohol, smoking, even tattoos, just like potato chips, you can't have just one. You will want more, and before you know it you're 10-20 years down the road with failing health or a body covered in tattoos that no longer have meaning. Worse, you can't get a job because no one will hire you.

My point is there are consequences to having vices. While they may seem harmless, long-term they are all bad for you. When you accept vice in your life it is just a distraction/diversion from the life God is calling you to live.

In the end it is up to you what you accept in your life. My personal view is that vice has been bad for me in my own life and has had serious consequences to my own health, which I live with daily now. It also has spiritual consequences, in that it will push God out of your life, because vice is essentially a form of idolatry.

How subtle is Satan? He has every avenue covered with vice. Something to think about.

To answer your questions, no I don't think your mother is being holier than thou. I think she cares about you and wants what is best for you. I don't think she is being as much judgmental as discerning.

Those are my thoughts. God bless!

I also grew up in a conservative Christian subculture, but I'm a generation older than you are, so the list of "vices" to avoid was different: dancing, card-playing, movies, rock music. Along with drinking and cussing, of course, perennial favorites for these lists.

I think it's a temptation in each generation to get distracted by trivia. More important are things like: are we kind to the people around us, open and compassionate to people who are different from us? Do we care for those in need? Do we avoid greed and selfishness, taking what we want to have at the expense of others? Do we avoid being self-righteous about whatever our favorite virtue is?

(I think about how, growing up, racial segregation was accepted as perfectly fine, but don't you dare drink a beer.)

I'd say it's unhelpful to judge your mom for being too judgmental (ahem). But as you form your own values, I recommend focusing more on loving your neighbor as yourself, and less on things like tattoos.

I think you need to build a relationship with the Lord and spend time in His word. You need to know what the bible says about character and shouldn't rely on your mother or the internet for the answers. Asking questions is fine but this thread is a great example of the dangers of dependence and immaturity too.

You're contemplating a relationship with a convicted felon who's been incarcerated more than once. Have you actualiy thought this out or considered the hardships they have with employment? Are you aware of the prevalence of background checks as a precursor for job offers and how computers are deciding with limited human involvement?

This isn't someone who made mistakes and found the Lord and turned his life around. It's a missional project that's incredibly reckless and largely the result of your desire to marry and want for companionship. Out of all of the christian men you could choose this is your choice and you're questioning her judgment when you should be examining your own.

There's someone who used to post on the site who did the same. She had a litany of hardships that took years to resolve and she's the breadwinner too. Are you prepared to do the same or will you be moving him into your mother's home? He lived with her and her father but you don't have a man in the house and that could go sideways fast.

Most men in his situation are looking for safety nets. Women they can manipulate and control who overlook their mistakes and fill in the gaps. People are losing jobs everyday who don't have his challenges. It will fall to you and your mother (if you live together) to pick up the slack. Once the fox enters the coop he's hard to get rid of and many learn that the hard way.

You may love him now but the wrong man can make your life a living hell. Since @SarahsKnight is familiar with the person I'm speaking of I'll tag him. @GodAndChocolateVanilla has shared her challenges and her posts are insightful. You should read them.

He's over your head and you'll never keep up with him. Find someone your speed instead. It won't be difficult to wrap you around his fingers. You're very naive. That's why you should leave me alone. You can be headstrong if you want and you'll be asking for prayer as others have and may be stuck with him as well.

I'll tag a few other singles who can share their advice or experiences. @peaceful-forest @DragonFox91 @JAM2b @timewerx @ThisIsMe123

~bella

JacquelineDeane55 said:

This guy I really like also has committed some crimes, whereas I have never committed a single crime in my life. He has been to jail a few times. What do you think of that?

I have overlooked every vice and fault in this guy, and I still do love him. I would rather not point fingers at him and judge him for all of his mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes you know.

Click to expand...

Hmm. Actual crimes are different from trivia like tattoos. Try to set your mom's conservatism aside for a moment, and think about your own future life. What kinds of crimes are we talking about? Something like trespassing, or something like armed robbery? Is he violent? Has he taken positive steps (therapy, rehab, getting a good job, etc.) to ensure he won't continue in crime? If he committed the same crimes again in his future, would you still be comfortable being with him?