I believe it's become the greatest detriment to my life as a whole. I've made a great deal of mistakes, and a great deal of bad decisions. But the moment I can say I'm the most proud of, over all my accomplishments thus far, is one where I was small and felt powerless and weak, riddled with fear, standing in terror to the point of physically trembling and balling my eyes out, and despite all of that, I chose an action of love knowing it would bring me immense pain. I think back on that moment quite often and realize that was who I was. People in my life who've known me forever speak of
the me I can barely remember now, and what they say about
that me makes me realize that what I considered the most weak and pathetic me was actually the most brave, most powerful, and most wonderful me that has yet been.
The way people talk about me now (which isn't bad) always makes me feel bad. I'm not sure I can describe the 'bad' feeling well... Hmm... Like, sometimes it feels good? Like a bad, selfish pride kind of good? One that feels more vain than anything worth anything and when I think about it after I feel disgust with myself? Sometimes, it just makes me uncomfortable and I brush it off. And then sometimes, it just feels bad, to the point where I think 'that's not really something to brag about, I don't like that'. And I think it's because I know what people are actually complimenting isn't
me; they're complementing the walls of the prison I built after I arrested my own heart and mind and sentenced them to life without parole.
At some point though, I must have decided that
that me made me too weak to survive, and as I result, I hardened myself. But now, I look back and realize that the strongest me, the best me, was the me that was fragile and kind. The me that, on the first day my brother went to kindergarten, sat on the stairs refusing to eat, or drink, or move from that spot, crying and staring out the window because I just missed him so much and wanted him to come back home. The me whose heart hurt watching other people be sad and wanting to make them feel better, even if they were mean to me. The me that was too stupid to stop trying when things were hard or difficult. 'The weakest and most pathetic person in the whole world' <- My past words and thoughts to myself.
I often pray to God to re-soften my heart and mind, to let me go back to that weak and pathetic little me, and I believe God patiently answers that prayer every day. Every day, he gives me the opportunity to do just that.
Every single day. And almost every day, it's like I forget that I asked for it and put on my wardens uniform and pace in front of that prison door, making sure it's locked up niiice and tight.
The wildest part is, I know
that me is still here! I know I don't have to go back in time and 'change it' or 'fix it'. I can go back to that
right now. I know I 'can'. I can
feel it. It's
riiiight there.
And yet...
But! If I could go back and change one thing, it would be that. Because going back and making sure I never built that prison in the first place feels like it would be
SO much easier than putting a key (
that I have in my hand at this very moment) into a door (
that is directly in front of me) right now
. Hm... It's something I think I need to work on more diligently. I now imagine God just smiling and shaking his head (in that loving way where someone is doing something really stupid, but you still love them) every night I'm laying in bed going, "Father, please...
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