No worries. These are interesting times and you're going to encounter a lot of surprises. Throwing the shackles off isn't always pretty. Sometimes it's neat and tidy and others are unreleased roars of frustration best exemplified by done and nothing more. That applies across the board. Men and women are saying enough with growing frequency. Navigating relational waters in the midst of mini explosions is challenging.
Don't blame yourself if it feels like the twilight zone or you wonder if the world's gone mad. Everything is topsy turvy and we'll have to weather the rabbit hole until we reach its end. Stay true to yourself and your principles and you'll be fine.
The article is a great example of grit and reading it brought to mind similar feelings within myself. I wasn't a teen mother but experienced similar doubts from loved ones and what now's as well. But unlike the women in my family or others who might have faced comparable situations. There was never a moment when the answer was marriage nor was companionship the golden ticket to redemption.
In respect to her comments, she's obviously content and settled. She isn't looking to someone else for completion or definition. Nor is her identity woven into companionship. She's wholly herself and a man adds value to her life but he isn't her orbit or reason for being.
I don't know if she's called to singleness but considered her perspective in light of the whole. She's successful and well paid and doesn't require assistance to meet her needs or acquire the things that usually need a pair like a home. She's in a demographic that rewards autonomy and allows her to take advantage of freedoms others lack.
There's an element of the same in the snippets I shared although I phrased it differently. Every word I said was intentional and expressed the realities of my liberty and commitment to its furtherance. I have no interest in living as others do nor will I burn the candles at both ends. My days have a definitive start and end and a cadence that's pleasing with margin throughout. Home is part of that. Not a separate entity unto itself which isn't the norm for most.
It's not about the institution but the people within the pairing. Whether it was well planned or undertaken swiftly. You won't have a vibrant marriage without a collective effort from both. When character and respect is lacking it's drudgery all around. That's what fuels the why not love. You do the right thing because you're supposed to. When you stop investing in the other you'll usually find a loss respect or damage to some degree.
The link didn't come through properly and I fixed it in my response. You may want to edit the post and do the same.
I would never say I'm not marriage material based on my experiences or emotions as a believer. I think it's fine to acknowledge the impact they've had and the need for time to heal and regain our footing. We can't grow in holiness without friction and must be willing to confront our resistance and challenge it when appropriate.
Marriage is an invitation for togetherness and shared experiences. Not an exercise for one party doing everything for the sake of partnering whole the other enjoys the spoils.
Most men are looking for a woman to make their lives easier. Don't be deceived by their statements. They want the domestic benefits of a mother coupled with intimacy and financial contribution. That's the way the majority live and why they're failing. She's the physician in the relationship and always on call and rarely gets a break.
That's why you're encountering the heave and growing resistance to start again. They've been there and done that. And despite your protestations and reassurance of difference that isn't the norm. It's less about disbelief than the frequency of the problem.
It's one thing to be a domestic goddess when you're not employed and have the scope of your day to attend to tasks and children too. It's another matter to expect the same while requiring employment and placing the whole of home and children on her shoulders.
We don't have the systems in place they had in the past when loved ones provided extras hands to aid the couple. My mother didn't have her children during summer vacation. My brother went to camp and my sister and I were with my grandparents. She had a three month break every year. In addition to weekends to herself once or twice a month when I spent time with my aunt.
She never missed time from work when we were sick because she had a babysitter too. Three older christian women who kept children in their home and lived in walking distance from my school. And my sister and I attended schools with a relative on site as well. To say she had it easy is an understatement. She came from a family where everyone helped and picked up the slack when required.
How can someone waste your time without your agreement? We're all adults. If marriage is the goal you're supposed to ask their intentions. Not function under assumptions.
The bolded portion is the crux of your problem. You're engaging with women in a different season of life where they're less encumbered or relying on another for support and sustenance. It's difficult to face but face it you must for your peace of mind. The qualities a woman seeks in a man in her twenties differs from what she wants when older. She's seasoned and grown beyond the ways of doing and thinking we have when we're younger.
When you've lived a little you understand what partnership entails. You're not deceived by cinematic ideals or lofty words whispered in your ear. You know it's work and that doesn't make it less appealing as a concept. But you're aware that it takes two and one can bear the weight for both for a time but not as a constant without repercussions.
This isn't her spring and you can't expect her to have the same longings one would have in the beginning. Therein lies the wisdom of Solomon's words. There's a time and season for all things under heaven. Mating has its calendar and opportunities are more plentiful in that period than otherwise. Most notably because of childbearing and the necessity of pooling resources to get ahead.
But most of the women you're meeting have been in the workforce for a while and have more security. You're not finding yourself when you're 40 and above nor do you have all the answers. But you know more than you did at 20 and had your share of adversity. The things you wouldn't do or say when younger are less frightening then. We can't change anyone and that's the greatest lesson we learn as we mature.
You want them to be eager to partner but you're viewing the subject through different lenses and neglecting an important truth while doing so. Your why's aren't identical. The reasons you want a wife don't mirror the same when the woman considers it. And your why determines what you will or won't accept.
Oftentimes a man is desirous of togetherness because he doesn't bond emotionally in that manner with his sex. But you're forgetting that women do and even when she's dating he doesn't meet that need entirely and most obtain it from friends and loved ones. That's why it's dangerous for a woman to seek a companion when she's friendless or allow herself to become that way in the relationship.
Men don't require the same level of connectedness in the respect that women do. He doesn't need to talk things out and discuss his feelings frequently. When you attempt to do the same you'll wear him out. While he can be your bff it's never in the feminine. You can only get that from a woman and that's where the inequity lies.
His need goes unmet and you'll only share so much with a man and the majority know their limit. But it isn't the same for her. She's embraced and allowed to share her concerns without reproach. While he's keeping the same within himself she has an avenue for release.
When men went their own way I knew it would backfire. Not because it's hard to understand why someone would need a break after marital challenges and financial compromise. But the majority never considered what happens if she follows suit and that's the problem with your sex. You expect things to remain the same and complain when they don't.
This is what happens when you don't understand that you're dealing with a womb-man. She was fashioned to reproduce. If you place a seed in some soil and take care of it the point will be evident and you'll never forget it. When you put it in the ground it doesn't look the same coming out. Something new emerges.
In the same vain, the woman brings things to life. And much like a union between the two can produce a child she can birth other things as well including ideas. When they introduced the concept of separation they didn't consider the possibility of replication or something worse. That's why 45% of women ages 25-44 are expected to be single or childfree by 2030. What began with married men has magnified because she's a womb. And when you put them together new things come forth.
That may seem unrelated to your plight but its a factor that's influencing other movements and behaviors. Decentering men is the woman's answer to the other. And unlike its predecessor they're not restricting it to marriage. You can be single and do the same and much like women do in other areas they're working together and supporting one another.
You'll be hard pressed to convince someone to become a domestic surrogate when she sees others opting for support in the form of housekeeping, laundry service and grocery pickup or delivery. They're delegating what others are doing themselves and making their lives easier.
From where they stand, there's no incentive for involvement because the workload falls in her lap with little relief. Some may abstain entirely and others may opt for pairings without legal entanglements that compromise their autonomy. While it may be uncomfortable to admit, there's a lot of single mothers in marriage doing it all.
I predict this will be the next iteration of have and have nots that produces a schism between tradition and liberty. There will be a growing cry for them to "come back home" that they'll rebuff. When I saw the article in Vogue magazine I knew you were in trouble.
Like EmRata, I’m Also Decentering Men This Year – And I’ve Never Felt More Fulfilled
Regarding Vogue's article on 'The Embarrassment of Having a Boyfriend'
Vogue is the mouthpiece for the establishment and rest assured if they're championing a cause it came from them. Which means media, advertising and content celebrating the same that targets women. This is a many headed animal and there's a correlation to the above with the availability of weight loss drugs like ozempic and growing acceptance of plastic surgery.
In 2024 I had a dialogue with
@timewerx on the role appearance would have towards a larger principle which has bearing on the above. In post
#43 I noted,
"There's a greater thing at play we can touch on if you'd like. Ozempic is the foreshadowing. Weight is the new velvet rope. Thinness will be exalted and the backlash is underway."
I included additional insights with the conclusion of 'the beautiful people' possibly being the goal. Don't overlook that. It may appear disconnected at first but when you see the comments in relation to the present it will be much clearer.
Body positivity was a trend and it's done. Thin has returned and small is preferable. That's why there's so much interest in corsets and waist trainers. A year ago you didn't hear much about weight loss but now you do and it encompasses young and old. That's a positive shift.
But the bigger issue is beautification. Plastic surgery was the first iteration and now we have the drug. When you put them together you're moving the scale. And average isn't average. When I think about the slogan 'the beautiful people' I wonder if that's the goal.
The prediction was realized and we no longer see models of varying sizes on the runway. 'Thin is in' was the initial hooray but ultra thin is its modern take. When designers unveiled their latest collections corsets and waist trainers delicately graced svelte silhouettes. And Kris Jenner's remarkable procedure is the undisputed poster child for the fountain of yourh.
Ozempic is a reflection of the have's and have nots in respect to attractiveness along with plastic surgery. If you don't like something you can change it. There's a domino effect that follows. When you enhance your appearance your standard shifts and its usually higher.
What began with the physical has made its way into the relational and we're beginning to see striking differences in women's lifestyles at a larger scale. While marriage is traditionally understood to increase a couple's financial standing. They've found a way to hack the system by abstaining from a union and its demands that limits her energy and professional development. Or through the negation of children and the expenses that accompany.
The cry I alluded to is articulated in the image.
View attachment 376154
This is the anti-comfort anthem. The treatise against ease and everything that opposes the norms that enables a man's ascent. All of the rhetoric that came out of the manosphere and incel culture has come to a head and they got what they wanted. But in their quest for audacity they neglected important truths regarding relationships and what a woman provides for a man. And no amount of bro love will change it.
He isn't happier alone and it's taken this situation to bring him to his senses. The bravado has fallen flat and he's miserable. I mentioned a video I mistakenly watched in December that echoes the same. He equated the holidays to humiliation rituals for single men without companions. Do you realize the mental leaps you need to make that conclusion and gravity of importance you've placed on the other to believe it?
This is what lies ahead for men and it won't be rectified through government subsidies (for marriage and children), public promotion or shaming campaigns, pleas from the pulpit or other incentives. There's too many examples showing otherwise and a picture is worth a thousand words. Every post, video and personal anecdote reinforces the same and the media will follow suit.
--continued--
We actually had been friends on FB for a time, but not really talked.
