My White Stone? 14 Years of Wrestling with God/Theology over "My" Rachel, like Jacob

The cross is the story of redemption. I knew the story, jesus died to save us from our sins. but for the longest time, i couldnt understand WHY jesus had to die. why his death was a requirement. Well not too long ago the answer has been revealed to me.



In Hebrew, the term for Kinsman-Redeemer is Go'el (גּוֹאֵל). The root of the word is ga’al, which means "to redeem," "to buy back," or "to set free." In the ancient social structure of Israel, the Go'el was the family’s "Safety Net." His primary function was to step into a situation of loss or poverty and restore what had been taken away.


1. The Function: The Three Pillars of Redemption The function of the Go'el was strictly defined by four main duties, all aimed at keeping the family’s "inheritance" and "frequency" alive:
Redemption of Land: If a family member fell into poverty and had to sell their land, the Go'el would buy it back so the inheritance stayed within the family bloodline.
Redemption of Persons: If a family member sold themselves into slavery to pay off a debt, the Go'el would pay the "ransom" to set them free. Levirate Marriage: If a man died without an heir, the Go'el would marry the widow (as in the story of Boaz and Ruth) to ensure the deceased man's name and legacy continued.
Blood: If a family member was wrongfully killed, the Go'el acted as the "Avenger of Blood" to ensure justice was served.


2. The Requirements of the Go'el A person could not just "choose" to be a Go'el; they had to meet three "High-Fidelity" criteria:
The Right to Redeem: He had to be a blood relative (Kinsman).
The Power to Redeem: He had to have the resources (the "wealth" or strength) to pay the price.
The Will to Redeem: He had to be willing to do it.


My understanding of the Tree of knowledge of good and evil is this. Eating it had its price. God told adam and eve the price. On the day you eat it you will surely die. You will become a slave to death.
Adam and eve eat it, so humanity gains the knowledge of good and evil, but then become under the yoke of death.
To free us from that yoke of death, we needed a redeemer. But under Jewish law a redeemer had to be kinsman-blood relative.
So jesus had to become flesh and blood, to become our kinsman. He had to have the wisdom and strength and resources to pay the debt, (death), and he had to be willing to pay the price.
Those are the requirements of a kinsman redeemer. And jesus fulfilled those on the cross to redeem humanity from the yoke of death that was placed on us when adam and eve ate the apple.

.....................................

I was led to this conclusion based on what my Uncle did for me. I see my uncle as Redeeming my life in a way. i see parallels.

AceWestfall08 said:

When i was 3 years old, my parents divorced and i went with my Dad. My Dad gained full custody of me and my Mom lost parental rights to me as a mother. I was effectively "lost" to my Mothers house. I did see my mothers house rarely growing up, but not on a regular ongoing basis. As i got older there was a definitive hole that formed not being close to my mothers side of the family. As i grew older, i found out that my mom told me she "sacrificed me to god" when i was a baby.
After my spiritual expierences that has happened to me (you can call it schizo, if you dont believe), i started to believe that God accepted her sacrifice.
After my mom's death, i was living with a group of work buddies in a house. We split rent. Well I got sick and fell into a psychosis which made me miss work. Because of this my co workers involuntarily commited me to the hospital and then moved out on me without warning. Leaving me stranded at the house with no support and helpless. I begged my Uncle Andy to take me into his house so i wouldnt go homeless again.
My uncle (on my mothers side) took me in, giving me a home to stay in while i applied for social security, which i eventually got. His trailer that he rented out to somebody became vacant, and in god's perfect timing he allowed me to move into that trailer and pay my uncle rent out of my SSI check.
I believed my Uncle Andy acted as the Kinsman Redeemer, who bought me back into my mothers house, that i was lost to in my early childhood. Because i have been a daily part of my mothers side of the family and i feel as if im part of the family more closer than ever now. My Uncle restored what was lost.

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'The one who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows except the one who receives it.'


The hidden manna, is well, hard to explain and define even if I was capable of describing it.
i can describe an aspect of it like this.
They say the kingdom of god is like a mustard seed. The smallest of seeds when planted, but when fully grown it grows into a shelter for the birds of the sky.

the mustard seed was the Nickname 'sunshine" i gave my beloved girlfriend when we dated. After the breakup, i didnt use the name Sunshine for other girls, and when i thought of the word, it always carried strong emotions with it. So i buried the name and didnt bring it up often. only thinking of rachel as 'rachel" and very rarely thinking of her as "sunshine".
over the course of 14 years of seeking god because of my heartbreak problem, i finally upon revelation/spur of the moment decision, decide to rename Rachel from Sunshine to shinesun. partly to seperate the memory of her being mine (Sunshine), to the her that isnt mine (Shinesun), or the hallucinations i've had of her. i've had a couple dreams and waking hallucinations of rachel in real life, so to seperate this entity / force from the real Rachel, i coined the name shinesun instead of sunshine.
I posted the sunshine tree, that lists all those words that are similar sounding. All those words put together tell a story. A story of me and jesus christ in my journey. how i feel about how i poured out my emotions to the "universe" hoping god or jesus would listen. my faith was based on the abrahamic traditions, and because of that i believed jesus existed, but i needed some type of physical proof of a relationship and intimancy with the lord. something to KNOW the Lord heard my heart, and i wasnt being decieved or led by a evil spirit.
So discovering those list of meanings of the word shinesun/shineson having all pointing towards how i truly feel inside, gave me the proof i needed.

so when i think of the term shinesun/shineson, i can draw strength from it, and find peace in it, or at least its a reminder that my tears and emotional cries to the divine have not been wasted and have been heard. the Lord turned my own special sacred personal name "Sunshine', into something even more personal and real to me, by showing my all the simliar sounding words to Shinesun and their meaning. Because the term sunshine originated from a pure heart of just wanting to have a unique special endearing nickname for a girl I loved and dated at the time. Sunshine.
I set Rachel apart in my heart from other girls i've dated/liked in my life. Rachel was the special one, the Sunshine of my life. the warmth of my life. And the lord honored that for me by showing me the Sunshine Tree of Words and their meanings after i coined the name Shinesun/ShineSon.. The lord really knows how to touch the heart deep inside, and make it personal. Hallelujah, our God, My God, loves us individually and on a person to person basis. he cares for us personally. this means so much more to me, rather than an Overseer God King who doesnt look to each of his subjects individually and get to know them. The intimancy of him knowing he REALLY KNOWS me, words cant describe how that makes me feel.

The dark side of my schizo, is when i get maniac. I start thinking I am enoch walking with God directly towards a common goal, or in search of wisdom/knowledge. Also during these maniac moments, i commonly think I am the Archangel Michael fighting wars and battling demons. or Principalities and Powers, Spiritual evil in heavenly places. I start losing sleep and start staying awake for days at a time, until i collapse out of complete exhaustion. I Understand these are delusions of grandeur that is apart of the Schizo Syndrome. I get paranoid at times to over my soul. But i keep hope alive, and cling to hope.
When i was baptized, the silverly blue face (which i think was the holy spirit) (swore by his "Great Name" i was his.). This is the strength and source of my hope. Another source i draw strength from, is that my Mother told me that when I was a baby, she lifted me up above her head one time and sacrificed me to God. She also told me one time she had a dream saying i was the "Lamb in Chains". The chains of Schizoaffective Bipolar-Type 2 disorder?
As i get older, i am learning to manage my illness alot better. My maniac attacks dont get the best of me as much as they did before. They still seem to hold some power over me, but that power is waning, getting weaker and weaker over time as my faith builds, and as i maintain effort in staying medicated and seeing a doctor regularly. I am learning to balance the Schizo with Faith. To walk that fine line between having a personal relationship with God/Jesus and resisting my own urges and voices i hear that may come from my ego/pride/or imagination.
I feel as if the WORST of my illness is behind me. Now that i have a better grip on it.
What i have going for me, was before i was diagnosed with Schizo, I had become a Soldier in the US Army National Guard. I was also a distant runner in high school. So i was mentally tough. My schizo storms of my mind, break my mind, but my mind becomes stronger and stronger with each reforging. Similar to the death and rebirth of a phoenix. My high school training and my completion of basic training and AIT training in the service prepared me for mental warfare/mental reforging. I already have the mind of an overcomer. This mind has been through the ringer, and yet it is still going strong. Bent, but not broken.

AceWestfall08 said:

Sunshine Tree
Seed: Sunshine (Nickname for Rachel)
Growth Time: 14+ years (Fall 2011)
Taproot
Shineson	Personal Name for Jesus Christ	Thomas
Bird: Sunson	Son of the Light	Thomas
Nest: Shinesun	A new perspective of Rachel/New name for Rachel	Thomas
Leaves
Zanshin	Remaining MInd/Lingering Spirit	Japanese
Shizen	naturalness/spontaniety	Japanese
Shin-Zhen	Earnestlessly	mandarin chinese
Shinsin	Mind and Body as one	Japanese
Shinson	Mindfulness/Keep in one's heart	Japanese
Shen Shen	Deep and Profound / Deep Thinker	mandarin chinese
Zenshin	Forward Progress/WholeBody	Japanese
Sonsin	Sincere Heart	Korean
Shinsui	Adoration/Devotion	Japanese
Shanjin	Great Trust	Japanese
Sanson	refers to Strength of Samson	French
Senshin	Devotion/Purification of Mind	Japanese
Sun-sho	To Praise/To Admire	Japanese
Sen-sha	Selection/Choice	Japanese
San-Shi	To think deeply	Japanese
shin-si	Earnest/Sincere
Shin-sa	Gentleman/High Character
Sashin	Truth/Heart	japanese/Sanskrit Roots
Senson	Truth Hearing	Scandinavian/Old Norse
Shimon	To Hear/He who has been heard	Hebrew
Sen-se	To feel/Percieve	Latin
Shanan	To be Tranquil/Quiet	Hebrew/Arabic
Sensin	To sense/to percieve	Germanic/Old English
Sunsun	To Polish/To refine
Shenin	Sharpened/Keen	Hebrew/Aramic
Sensen	To Breathe/To Fratenize/Associate	Ancient Egyptian
Shusin	To Transport/To Carry	Chinese
Shusin	To refine soul or practice quiet reflection	Chinese/Japanese
Shonsin	Pious Believer / deep faith	korean
Shusin	Correspondence or communication at a distance	Japanese
Shusan	To gather or repair	Hebrew/Aramiac
Flowers
Shinzen	Repeat/Sharpen	Hebrew
Shoshana	Lily/Rose	Hebrew
Shanshan	Precious Coral / Jade	mandarin chinese
Shanshan	Gleaming/Brilliant	mandarin chinese
Shanshan	Glistening/Elegeant/Shimmering	Chinese
Shunsun	Smooth/Prosperously	Chinese
Shonan	Radiant Show
Shan-Shan	Glistening/Sparkling/Flickering	mandarin chinese
Shin-so	A small token/Gift	Japanese
Sun-shi	Bright Clear omen	Japanese
Shin-sha	Humble Thanks	Japanese
Shen-Su	Followers/Successors	Egyption
Shasan	Ruling/Decree/Command	Sanskirt
san-so	Health/Purity	Esperanto
san-sa	Holy	Spanish/latin resonance
Sen-sa	Perciption/Sensory	Italian/Latin
Shensa	Shemesh/Sun	Hebrew/Aramaic
Shanan	Sharpening/Whetting	Sanskirt
Sunsheen	Brightness/Splendor	Archaic English
Shansun	Palm Branch/Stem	Hebrew
Shinan	Countless/Angelic Host	Hebrew
Shosen	Bright Selection	Japanese
Shusen	Season of clear water	Japanese
Fruit
Chanson	song	French
Sanshin	3 stringed instrument called "voice of the deities"	Okinawan
Sonson	Resoncance/Sounding	Spanish
Son-sen	The Sounding	Latin/Japanese Hyrbird
Shanshan	Ringing of Bells	japanese/chinese
Shan-su	To be Praised/to Shine	japanese
Son-shi	Grandson/Descendant	Hebrew/sanksirt
Shusun	Whispering/Rustling	Slavic Root
Shonin	To Shine/To Gleam	Hebrew/Yiddish
Shingon	True Word/Mantra	Japanese
Shenin	Reiterating	Hebrew
SonSon	Sing-Song	Spanish/Latin
Shin-sei	Sacred Sound	Japanese
Shasun	Joy/Exultation	Hebrew/Aramaic
Shusan	To Rest/Settle	Ancient Hebrew
Roots
Shensen	New Spring/new beggining	Japanese
Shin-un	Divine Luck / Providence	Japanese
Xin-Sheng	Rebirth/new life	mandarin chinese
Shinzhen	Deeply True/Orginal Truth	Chinese
Shonin	Witness	Japanese
Shin-shon	True Intent/True Feeling	Japanese
Shin-shun	New Year/New Spring	Japanese
Shin-sho	True Form/Original nature
Zhen-Shen	True Spirit/Genuine Spirit	Mandarin
Shisun	To Bestow/To Give	Chinese
Shosin	Beginners Mind/Pure Intent	Japanese
Shishin	Private Heart	Japanese
Shayan	Worthy/Deserving	Persian/Urdu
Sensen	To Breathe/be in brotherhood	Anicent Egyptian
Shoushin	Promotion/Rise in Rank	Japanese
Shishin	Guiding principle/needle/compass	Japanese
Trunk
Shinseon	Ascended Immortal	Korean
Zenshin	Good God	Japanese
Shinsun	Divine/Immortal	Korean
Sonsin	Pious Believer/Good Faith	Korean
Shang Tsung	Temple/Risen Elder - Honored Ancestor - Esteemed Patriarch	Mortal Kombat / Chinese
Sensei	One born before/Sage of the Age	Japanese/Chinese
Shinsen	Divine/Fresh	Japanese
Shinzen	Presence of God/Before God	Japanese
Shim-Shon	Like the sun/sun child	Hebrew
Shin-son	Descendant of the Gods	Japanese
Shen-Xian	Immortals	Chinese
Shenson	eternal protection	Egyptian
San-sha	Three People/The third person	japanese
Shan-sa	Small Son/Sunlike	Arabic
Shannon	Wise one/old river	Gaelic/Irish
Shekhin	Divine Presence/Settling	Hebrew
Shonin	Eternal Identiy or Legacy that continues	Japanese
Shahan	To bow or settle	Hebrew
Shuson	Tranquility/Peace	Hybrid?
Branches
Shan-Shui	Mountain-Water	Chinese
Shanzhen	Mountain Truth
Shen-Shan	Sacred Mountain	Chinese
Shanjin	Mountain Gold	Chinese
Sunsan	Ancestral Mountain	Korean
Xun-Shan	Mountain Patrol	Chinese
Shanshen	Mountain Spirit	Chinese
Shanshin	Mountain God	Korean
Shin-sha	Shrine/Sacred Place	Japanese
Shin-Shu	Divine Land	Japanese
Shan-lin	Mountain Forest	Japanese
Shin-rin	Forest Bathing	Japanese
Shilin	Stone Forest	Chinese
Shoushan	To guard the mountain	Mandarin

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@All Becomes New
What do you make of the "Sunshine Tree" list of words and meanings, and how it came about / in to existence.
All over a girl I named Sunshine, and renamed to Shinesun 14 years later (the same amount of time jacob worked to marry his rachel)

the only creative part about the tree was that I named my girlfriend Sunshine, and then renamed her Shinesun 14 years later. (the same amount of time jacob works for Rachel's hand in marriage).....
Those words were DISCOVERED via Artificial intelligence.
When i first coined the name Shinesun, I noticed the name SHineson too that was a homophone to it. So my thoughts started thinking this what my white stone in revelations and in the stone was a new name written. So i asked ai if it had knew any meanings of the word Shinesun/Shineson, and it spit out the word "Shinseon" which means "ascended immortal". I then used a.i. to discover all those words that have sound similiar to Shineson.
@All Becomes New
So the creative part was Shinesun/Shineson after 14 years of asking god/wrestling with god for closure/healing over my heartbreak over rachel. And all those words and meanings was discovered.
Its not creative, its a discovery. The name "Sunshine" was created long before i seeked God, and Rachel's New name Shinesun was coined after 14 years of wrestling with heartbreak and God. Those other words already existed.
"Seek and ye shall find"
I think the Name in the White stone that only I know, is the embodyment or sum of all those words, fittted together into a puzzle. Either it be my name, my saviors name, or a combination of my journey with his name written on me. They say in revelations the servants of Jesus will have jesus's name written on their foreheards. I think all those meanings put together in a acertain way and in different measures is the New Name that is written in the white stone of Shinesun, which comes from Sunshine, the name i picked out for my beloved Rachel many many 14 years ago.

There is power and wisdom in naming something.

God brought all the animals to Adam to ask Adam what he would name them.
God gave various people new names.
In ancient wisdom, if you take a complicated or very deep and profound idea and name it, you make a "container" for it, so the meaning doesnt overwhelm you. You began to have power with it.

So me coming up with the name Shinesun after my ex-girlfriend who is my beloved after 14 years of wrestling with god like jacob. Rachel being given a new name. With this whole time of 14 years, my faith has been abrahamic faith inspired. Foundation of the holy bible, but also took advice/sought wisdom in other sources like the book of enoch, apocrypha, nag hammadi codex' library.
So having this name of hSinesun with this tree, makes me feel as if my labor and my efforts in addressing the "Lonely" part of the "Lonely Sparrow" nickname God gave me. This name goes a long way in fixing the problem of lonliness i feel over rachel. Because it has deep proufound meaning to me.
The timing is perfect too, because i discovered that tree 14 years from the time my baptism when i first asked Gabriel and teh silverly blue face (which i think was the holy spirit) that i wanted to marry rachel.
The tree represents, my Love for Rachel, my heartbreak and true feelings over the loss, my efforts to turn to religion to fix the problem of being "The lonely sparrow, with mighty wings". My belief that Jesus existed even though i had doubts. My pateince of 14 years of wrestling, knowing i'd be wrestling for 14 years, yet suffering through it anyways. This word "Sunshine" is the word that has power, but the word
Shinesun" is the word that has meaning. While the word "Shineson" is a word of discovery and faith in Jesus to keep guiding me.

I do have a unique view. Its my own unique wisdom that i have. The way i can symbolize and see parallels in everything. I know what you are trying to save. This way of thinking is a curse and a blessing. It tends to get me into thinking delusions of granduer and having pride feelings that i have to constantly keep in check. But it also gives me the strength to find light in the shadows/darkness. Find the silver linings, or the hidden light that isnt obvious. Like a said its a blessing and a curse. I see this side of me as King Solomon.

And here is how it relates to solomon.
I was called the lonely sparrow. Sparrows are songbirds. I'm lonely because of my Beloved Rachel. I struggled and wrestled for 14 years with god and theology expressing my emotions towards rachel towards the universe/divine/unseen invisible listeners.
Solomons Song of Songs, is a song of love for his beloved.
My song of the lonely sparrow mirrors that song.
It also a song of war and love.. Overcoming demons and insecruities and doubts to present my heart and emotions to the throne of god, or the altar of the lord, to have my own personal prayer.
Thats the song of the sparrow, expressing his lonelyliness to god or the universe and his love and fight and drive for my beloved Rachel. While wresting with the mind of Jacob, and my heart singing the Song of Solomon.

I think of my true nature as a mix between Jacob/Solomon/Michael. With a bit of Enoch and Elijah sprinkled in.
But my true given name is Thomas. Which is the Doubting Thomas.
I dont doubt that God exists, i've seen proof. I doubt he can or will bring Rachel back to me in my life. Thats where the doubting thomas thrives in me.

Ive attempted to move on in the past. I have tried dating other girls. I have tried not thinking about rachel. I even stopped using her nickname to refer to her Sunshine, and thought of her as Rachel. But as i did this, my feelings kept popping back up. I have moved on in a sense where i dont truly believe that i will have her back in my lifetime, but I know my love for rachel is the reason I have a thirst for god and was brought closer to jesus in the first place. Jesus used my capacity of love towards rachel to bring me to him and to start my journey. So in that aspect, i have to find some type of closure and meaning in the love i have for rachel. I cant just dismiss my love for her outright and leave it without proper thought reflection and giving it a "proper funeral" and gravestone to remember it by. Its love that needs to be cherished, not thrown away. But not as a possessive love, more of a appreciation kind of love.

@All Becomes New

the goal of this journey is not to "marry rachel".....it is to reconcile and heal my heartbreak and lonleiness, and yet see the love i carry for rachel as meaningful and sacred. i dont know exactly how to see it yet, that is part of my struggle. But there is beauty in the pain. I am still trying to find the peace off it. I know people have free will, and i know rachel is free to make her own decisions. But at the same time, i have the free will to still carry the love i held for her many years ago, to this day and keep that love alive. because it is True Love. And true love, Loves, even when that love is not returned.
@Richard T

I dont know if this is related or not. But I was thinking about the word Shinesun and the Sunshine tree and my thoughts began to wander (like they do). And i started to think about Pokemon. And then this Pokemon name appeared Suicune. For those who are unfamiliar with pokemon, i'm sorry, this part might not make any sense.
But the story of Suicune is that there were 3 unnamed pokemon who were trapped inside a tower that burnt to the ground. They died. And afterwards a legendary pokemon Ho-oh (Which is a phoenix), ressurected these 3 pokemon and made them legendary beasts. They are like dog/cat hybrids.
Each one of the 3 represents an element. Water Fire and Thunder, to represent the tower being struck by lightning, burning down with fire, and the flames being extinguished by rain.
THe pokemon Suicune represent water. The reason i was drawn to this pokemon was because its name has parallells/similiarities so my Shinesun list of words. The S and C sounds, with the "N" sound. Its close enough to see a reasonable link.
Here are some of the characteristics of the Legendary Suicune Pokemon.


This word/Pokemon Suicune when it relates to my Sunshine tree, gives me Apostle Peter / Jesus Christ Vibes thoughts and feelings.
On a more personal note, when i was a teenager, i owned the gamebody color game Pokemon Crystal. In the game, you catch many different pokemon, but Suicune was the featured Pokemon of that game version (Pokemon Crystal). I owned this game and remember my excitement and difficulty of catching the legendary beasts from the game. So it kinda comes full circle that my own sacred word Shinesun, would have loose connections to the Pokemon Suicune via the Sunshine tree list of words.