My White Stone? 14 Years of Wrestling with God/Theology over "My" Rachel, like Jacob

7 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.

Let me set the Story. 14 years ago, I'm in my early 20's. 21/22 yrs old. (My birthday is today! Jan. 16th 36 years old) At that time, I have a "general" belief in Jesus and God, but not deep enough to search him or read the bible. Just a empty faith. My babysitter when I was a toddler, took me to church. I attended Awana's as a pre-teen/young boy. And in high school I attended a church with a girl, because I had a crush on her and her parents invited me to start going to church with them. Those parents even set up a "fellowship group", that got us high schoolers together at hangout spot. It had good Christian intentions, and at times there was Christian messages at the group, but it was mostly a hangout spot for kids supervised by parents. Then after high school, I attended an Apostolic Church for a year with my dad. So I was predisposed to the Lord, but I was young and my heart wasn't committed/fully invested. I believed, but I lacked "Depth".

In the college school year of 2011-2012 I start dating a Girl named Rachel. While dating, I have a vision. This vision I forget about until about 6-8 months later when I have my 2nd experience that unlocks the memory of this vision. So its like a flashback memory. But the memory came to me so vividly, that I remember details about this vision, as if I lived it and actually experienced it.

So the first experience/vision.....I visited my father one weekend from college. While staying at his house overnight, I get up to use the bathroom. When i finish and pass my dad in the living room. (He slept on the couch), he was awake and told me to sit next to him. He then explained to me he wasn't my father, but he was really Gabriel. He placed his hand on my forehead. Immediately air rushed into my lungs and i sneezed with my mouth. At the same time, I felt the sensation of warm water being poured over me. I was then pulled out of my body into a separate "realm" that was above. This realm was pure black. Out of the blackness a Silvery/Blue face appears, and says "Thomas, I swear by my great name you are mine". He then asks me several times what I want, and I keep changing my answer. First it was to "live lives", then it was "for my mothers healing", then it was "just to be happy", then it was "to get out of the military", then finally I answered "I wanted to marry Rachel". I was sent off to bed, and as I laid in bed I heard a voice say to me, "My dad was going to die".....so I pleaded with the voice and said "Give my dad, mercy" (meaning his soul). [side note, 14 years later. he is still alive (but his life collapsed around him and changed majorly and he is doing really good now)] I fell asleep and forgot about this vision until my 2nd experience happened. I place this vision happening just before the Holiday Season 2011. I interpret this as a baptism of water and spirit.

3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. 4 Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born? 5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. 6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. 8 The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.

Fast forward to Summer break. Rachel and I had broken up at the end of the school year, and i wasn't dealing with my emotions properly. I buried them, refusing to think about the pain and heartbreak. I started a job as a flagger for the oil and gas industry and we had plenty of downtime. Enough downtime where I had hours and hours to just sit and think. During this time my thoughts began to wander towards God, and missing not having a girlfriend. So I decide to pick up the Bible and read it at work. I read the Bible from cover to cover in 3 months for the first time on my own. During the timeframe I was power-reading the bible for the first time. I was sitting with a group of friends hanging out one day. When all of a sudden, i have the thought that God himself is going to smite me dead on the spot. This feelings of utter terror washes over me, and I am paralyzed with fear. The only thing I can do, is start crying loudly in front of everybody (seemingly random to everybody) and start praying in Glossolalia. (something I learned to do by only hearing my Dad do it once, Apostolics do it). While crying and praying in tongues in front of my friends, I felt the feeling and emotion of terror wash away from me, to be replaced with the feeling of Peace and Comfort and Reassurance. As I felt this way, my mind took control of itself. Thoughts were planted into my brain forcefully, and at the same time I heard a voice accompany them. This voice wasn't a whisper. It was loud and audible to me. The thoughts and the voice said "Thomas, You are the lonely sparrow, but I have given you wings, oh what mighty wings they are, spread them and fly." The feeling and voice disappeared and my mind relaxed, and I was left with my friends staring at me wondering what just happened.

Today, I equate this experience with Solomon's verse "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom". …9Instruct a wise man, and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning. 10The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. 11For through wisdom your days will be multiplied, and years will be added to your life.…

About another 4-5 months after the "Fear of the Lord Experience". I am reskimming the New Testament. I come across this verse where Jesus commands the Rich man to give away all his possessions and follow him. I took this seriously. Seriously enough to get a hold of a local church and give all my possessions away. ALL MY CLOTHES. I gave away all my electronics. EVERYTHING, but my vehicle, which was owned by my dad. I even called my boss and quit my easy flagging job. I literally owned nothing but my Dad's vehicle, my bed, my pillow, my blanket, the clothes on my back, and the socks and shoes on my feet. I still had a little bit of money in my bank account, not much. Less than a few hundred dollars, but if I had thought about it at the time, I probably would've emptied my bank account too, but that thought didn't cross my mind. At the time, I believed I was taking a leap of faith that God would provide for me. …

20“All these I have kept,” said the young man. “What do I still lack?” 21 Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me.” 22When the young man heard this, he went away in sorrow, because he had great wealth.…

My Dad catching wind of this, takes me to the hospital. I am diagnosed with Schizoaffective-Bipolar Type 2. Schizophrenia runs on my mothers side of the family. My grandmother had it, and my mother had it so bad, my parents were forced to divorce when i was age 3 for my safety concerns as a child. I interpret this moment of my life as "denying myself, and taking up my cross (schizophrenia).

24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

I feel as if I "lost my life" for his sake, when the oath was given to me "I swear by my great name you are mine". Because in the following year that followed that oath, i lost my position at ROTC in college, lost my girlfriend, dropped out of college, kicked out of the National Guard, lost my ambition and then I gave away everything i had to a church, and diagnosed with a mental illness that ran in the family. I effectively "lost" my current life. Now it has been around 14 years since those 3 experiences. A major reason why I chose to seek god during my time as a flagger, was to address my loneliness and the emptiness I felt over the breakup with Rachel. While dating Rachel, instead of the pet names "baby" or "sweetheart". I choose the name "Sunshine" to call Rachel. And I used that name pretty much exclusively, and for her only. Even years later, when I dated other girls. I always reserved that name for her. Even though the emptiness and pain didn't completely go away after we broke up, I attempted to move on and date other girls. But as time and the years passed, i kept finding that I still loved Rachel. And over these past 14 years, I have never stopped wrestling with Theology and my internal Thoughts and feelings to seek and find God. I settled into this "wrestling mindset" and even saw myself as a Biblical Jacob Archetype (once I realized the love for Rachel would never go away), wrestling with God.

I even have a "Leah" where during my schizo moments i misplaced the love I felt for Rachel, onto another girl temporarily after our breakup. This season was the same season I gave away all my possession to a Church. It was about 3-5 months after the breakup with Rachel. During this season of misplaced loved, I felt intense emotion for this girl "Lakeisha", and got inspiration from the verse "Love is as strong as death" thinking that true love was just as strong as death, and stalemates death in a battle. It was just as inevitable as death is. After I came to my senses I realized my schizo and my desire for God to fix my loneliness contributed to me misplacing my feelings onto Lakeisha. Well about 7 years after that instance, I had a dream of Lakeisha appearing before me in a Wedding dress, and i felt immense joy. But I didn't recognize who the woman was, I just saw a girl in a wedding dress, which tapped into my deep desire for a companion/wife. So I was deceived in the moment to feel joy for a girl that I didn't have True Love for. But as of today, I still see her as "Leah", and I am married to her in a sense that in the event she would come to me and ask me questions. I would be totally open and honest with her. Sacrificing my ego and not hide anything about me or myself to her. Be an open book. I don't see it as a romantic marriage or a physical marriage. I don't have any contact with my "Leah" or "Rachel" in my life. But its how I see them internally in my mind and heart. Lakeisha as Leah, is a girl I don't love, but because of my schizo, I attached Lakeisha to God, and the verse love is strong as death. I feel as if I am "bound" by that. To always feel some type of warmth or friendliness to Lakeisha as a way to apologize to her for the intense feelings I had over her when I was processing my heart over Rachel. I see it as a marriage of "loyalty, and a promise not to harm or do anything that would hurt Lakeisha". not as a physical, romantic relationship that has love. Jacob did not love Leah, and I do not love Lakeisha. But jacob eventually began to respect Leah. But I feel as I am bound by my emotions in the moment, because of my story of wrestling like Jacob and the timing of the dream and the way I felt "deceived" b/c of schizo and a desire for a wife, and refusing to deal with the issue of heartbreak over Rachel, and instead placing those feelings onto another woman instead.

Now 14 years from the season I was dating Rachel to now, I coined a new name for Rachel. To separate the memory I have of our relationship together from how i think of her today. This new name/word I coined was "Shinesun". Something simple, similar to her old name Sunshine, yet different. After naming her this new name to separate the memory from her today. I stumbled onto the word "Shineson". And thought maybe this name was my white stone. So in my head I thought the meaning of the word Shinesun to be refer to "Rachel" (coined after 14 years of wrestling), and Shineson for "a son of God" or "my own personal name for Jesus Christ". These are my 2 definitions of the words. (just a few days ago, I coined a 3rd term, SunSon, to separate the two meanings of Shineson. Shineson is my personal name for Jesus, while Sunson, means Son of the Light) Shine can be a verb, its what the light does. Jesus is active and living and moves. He is the Light in Action. Shining. Son is a title for somebody. So Shineson fits naturally and perfectly as a name personal name for Jesus. With a little research, I looked at words that sound similar or is spelled similar. And what I discovered was surprising. Enough to make me think this term "Shinesun/Shineson" is my white stone. But when I say term, its more of a tone, a frequency, and idea. When I see the big picture of this theme it amazes me, because it was discovered/found via an affection pet name for a girl and renaming of that word. Is it too much of a coincidence I would discover these meanings after 14 years of wrestling with Theology and seeking God. And naming a girl I still love today "Shinesun" instead of her old name i used "Sunshine" I call this list of words and meanings the "Sunshine Tree", that came out of the white stone "Shinesun/Shineson" a new name for Rachel and being a son of God......"Sunshine" came first and its only meaning was a endearing nickname for a girlfriend. 14 years later, i change the name to Shinesun without any knowledge of similiar words and stumbled onto "Shineson" too. Almost like "Fraternal Twin meanings (masculine/feminine)". And my name is Thomas, which means twin. So this 'twin concept" caught my eye and got me to dig deeper into the word Shinesun/Shineson to discover that table of words and meanings. The timing matches, because it took Jacob 14 years of work to marry Rachel. Jacob is given a new name after he wrestles with God. I've been wrestling with God and theology for 14 years, and a new name for rachel has appeared, 14 years from my baptism. From Sunshine to Shinesun. Only then to discover Shineson with it and all these words connected to it.

Also an interesting side note: Valentines Day is 3 days before Rachel's Birthday. My mother Died on Valentines day, nearly a month after I turned 33 (the supposed age of Jesus when he died). 3 days after my mom's death is Rachel's birthday. My mom and Rachel are the two women I love most in this world. I thought that was a interesting coincidence when i discovered that fact. So every Valentines day, I will think of my Mother and 3 days later i will think of the woman I love. 2 events out of my control. The deathday (feb 14) of the woman i inherently love (my mother), and the birthday (feb 17) of the woman i fell in love with/choose to still love. The 3 days, makes me think of ressurection parallels.

7 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.

Another way i view the "Sunshine tree" is like a mustard seed. The pet name i called her Sunshine, was the seed planted out of love and affection many years ago. And after 14 years of growth, watering the seed with my tears and sorrow and grief over the years because of the trials and tribulations I have been through and my feelings over rachel. When i renamed her Shinesun, that was the fruit of the seed. And all those meanings are roots, trunk, branches and fruit, that i didnt even notice until I ate the Shinesun fruit. Something so small and insignificant, A love for a woman, and a simple name, can grow to have profound meaning 14 years later. I glorify God. He took my own personal sacred word Sunshine and when i bent mentally and finally started thinking of rachel in a new light and gave rachel a new word Shinesun. He made the word that means so much to me, mean much much more.

This revelation came to me today. Psalm 84:3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young—a place near your altar, Lord Almighty, my King and my God." In my fear of the Lord experience, I was called the lonely sparrow. Well this Sunshine tree. I have found the tree to make my nest. Birds quite commonly perch on a sheep's back and take the loose wool and use it to make nests. They also eat parasites in the sheep's wool. Sometimes birds will call out when they see predators nearby, alerting the sheep. There is a "relationship" between the bird and the sheep. Trust me, Jesus was used/will be used to make my nest/find this tree.
Another interesting parallel. Sparrows are song birds. My song is my sincerity and depth of emotion towards God after my 14 year journey/wrestling match. The song of my heart. Sparrows sing right before dawn. When its still dark. They sing to pretty much "announce the coming of the sun" or to "summon the sun". Sparrows also sing their songs deep into winter unlike most other songbirds. When its coldest and darkest part of the year.

In my wrestling with this sunshine tree idea. I had a revelation. My journey has been about seeking God, and trusting in the story of Jesus Christ. giving it the benefit of the doubt. The trust with doubt became the main frequency of my vibe throughout my 14 year journey. (my real name is Thomas, "doubting Thomas") As a result, when i coined the term Shinesun for Rachel and discovered the homophone term Shineson with it. It seemed closer to a unique personal name i have for Jesus Christ, as opposed to being to the generic meaning "a son of god". Shine is what the sun's light does. its a verb. Jesus was active and is active. So Shineson for Jesus christ seems more natural and fitting. Shineson is also the taproot of the Sunshine tree, which is hidden and prevents the tree from tipping over. So it remains in the taproot spot, just the meaning of the word changed from "a son of God" to "my personal name for Jesus Christ". Also Jesus himself calls himself "The root and offspring of David". So taproot spot remains perfect for my unique name for Jesus. The bird though, who makes the Nest (Shinesun), i have coined the term Sunson. Rather simple. My own personal meaning of this word is "Son of the Light".

In my next post, is an updated version of the Sunshine tree. So in this tree, only 3 words were coined by me. The nest and the taproot. Refering to Jesus Christ and Rachel. Shineson/Shinesun. The third word came later, after the tree was formed, Sunson, which means Son of the Light. Which is my Bird. Something new about a sparrow I learned. They dont migrate in the winter. Which i kinda knew because i knew they sung their songs deep into winter. But another thing. When a sparrow builds a nest, and they like the nesting sight. They will return to that nest over and over again. And use it repeatedly. Sometimes the rest of their life. They add to the nest and repair it, instead of building a new one.

Another interesting note. Is that when i was turning 16. A couple weeks before my birthday. My grandfather died on Christmas Day. bad luck I know. But the thing is, I remember just moments before my dad told me, I heard the phone ring. And we were expecting my grandpa shortly for Christmas dinner. When the phone rang, I "KNEW" it was news of my grandfathers passing. Only to be confirmed moments later. But the news came unexpectantly to everybody else. My grandfather was 82, and still relatively healthy for his age. He died of dysentery. My mother died on Valentines Day. Here is the odd part. At my birth, many many years ago. My real father was not present, he was deployed in the military at the time. In his place, as my "father" was my grandpa. the same one who died on Christmas Day. Over the course of my life, my actual father was a strong father who was good at providing, but he wasn't very emotional. An emotional bond between me and father never developed strongly. But my grandpa on the other hand, I developed a emotional bond with him. He was closer to me than my father, (in a way). So Christmas and Valentines Day, holidays "generally" contributed to Jesus and Love These are the two days my mother, and my [surrogate] "father" (grandfather in reality) died. The thing is, on Christmas I will always know.....that I "knew" of his passing moments before the news was told to me and confirmed. And on Valentines Day, there is 3 days before my mom's deathday and beloved's Birthday. The same amount of time Jesus spent in the grave according to story. (I know it was a night/day/night thing that counts as 3 days, not full 3 days) but its still an odd coincidence. Especially because it happened just after I turned age 33, which is the supposed age of Jesus Death on the cross. My mother's body slowly shut down, and she fell into a sleep where she stopped eating, and died of low calorie intake. We were expecting her death, we saw it coming. I remember being there when she was unconscious on her deathbed. I was able to say goodbye, and in those moments, I felt a strong presence of God with me and him comforting me. If I had to make a guess, an educated guess. I'd almost put money on my dad is going to pass on thanksgiving day or the 4th of July in the future. Based on my past experiences. But I can't fully know that. If Christmas is Jesus (or the birth of light, because its the winter solstice and that's when the light starts increasing each day) and Valentines Day is Love. It makes sense that Thanksgiving represent grace or thanks. And the 4th of July represent Freedom. Easter is another candidate too. But i dont think god would cause somebody i love dearly to die on the same day clearly attributed to Jesus. Maybe though, I dont know God's plan for my life or other's lives. I know of the Pagan roots of christmas, so that day seems a bit "fair game" for god to do something with. But the day of the resurrection/easter, in my mind seems to be a day that is special for jesus. I do not know if Easter has pagan roots like Christmas does. I havent researched it. That's why I think it would be one of these days if my dad was to pass on a holiday like my grandfather and mother.

A little about the lows of my journey.
My license was taken away and i was given like $5k in fines to pay off before i could drive legally. Making me helpless to work and find jobs. Relying on other people.
The Lord then made it where i was always on the edge of homelessness and eventually went homeless. this taught me to hope in the darkest times and to rely on the lord/god.
He has also made it where i have delusional beliefs where i sometimes think im jacob from the bible, or solomon, or michael. Where my brain is really doing pattern recognizition of some of my schizo visions. (like my baptism where i was pulled into the realm above and saw a face that said "i swear by great name you are mine), my brain relates that to baptism of water and spirit, or a pulling of elijah into heaven by chariots of fire, (fire as in love, the face swore that oath to me out of love). its confusing. Another delusional belief comes from when i was scared for my life moment thinking i was going to be smited on the spot, so i prayed in tongues to god asking god for what i needed and not what i waanted. but emotionally i felt helpless/love/fear for god when i prayed, but those emotions wrestled with "the prevoius thought of god smiting me for no reason". This thought was the Devil placing it in me, and me praying in tongues like that was me as Michael throwing down the dragon, and hearing a voice saying i was given wings. Its complicated, my schizo voices tell me.
I see myself as jacob because i have a beloved Rachel, and a Leah where i was decieved into making a commitment to in my heart for.
I see myself as Solomon, because of the way my brain works and i "Think" i see "hidden wisdom" or "symbolism" in nearly everything.
For example, my grandpas name is Michael, my mom's name is Michelle, My uncles middle name is Michael, and i have a vision where Rachel called me Michael. I explained my "michael moment" were i heard a voice saying god was going to smite me and i prayed in tongues after feeling intense fear only to feal peace and reassurance afterwards.
its complicated and i blame my schizophrenia for making me think this way. Delusions of Granduer

When i was 3 years old, my parents divorced and i went with my Dad. My Dad gained full custody of me and my Mom lost parental rights to me as a mother. I was effectively "lost" to my Mothers house. I did see my mothers house rarely growing up, but not on a regular ongoing basis. As i got older there was a definitive hole that formed not being close to my mothers side of the family. As i grew older, i found out that my mom told me she "sacrificed me to god" when i was a baby.
After my spiritual expierences that has happened to me (you can call it schizo, if you dont believe), i started to believe that God accepted her sacrifice.
After my mom's death, i was living with a group of work buddies in a house. We split rent. Well I got sick and fell into a psychosis which made me miss work. Because of this my co workers involuntarily commited me to the hospital and then moved out on me without warning. Leaving me stranded at the house with no support and helpless. I begged my Uncle Andy to take me into his house so i wouldnt go homeless again.
My uncle (on my mothers side) took me in, giving me a home to stay in while i applied for social security, which i eventually got. His trailer that he rented out to somebody became vacant, and in god's perfect timing he allowed me to move into that trailer and pay my uncle rent out of my SSI check.
I believed my Uncle Andy acted as the Kinsman Redeemer, who bought me back into my mothers house, that i was lost to in my early childhood. Because i have been a daily part of my mothers side of the family and i feel as if im part of the family more closer than ever now. My Uncle restored what was lost.

My schizophrenia, makes me have delusions of grander, and make me think I'm michael the archangel fighting the devil/satan. my symptoms of paranoia make me believe like im fighting principalities/powers/spiritual evil/demons.

Thomas Westfall said:

My schizophrenia, makes me have delusions of grander, and make me think I'm michael the archangel fighting the devil/satan. my symptoms of paranoia make me believe like im fighting principalities/powers/spiritual evil/demons.

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The most powerful expierence I've had, was feeling that Immense fear overpower me, and i started panicking and praying in tongues. My mind took control of itself and i heard an audible loud strong voice say "Thomas, you are the LONELY sparrow, but i have given you wings, oh what mighty wings they are, spread them and fly!""

The fear of the lord is the beginning of Wisdom.
His name for me is fitting. "The Lonely Sparrow"
It carries deep loneliness and pain, but i also know i have the sweetest most joyful song to sing deep inside, waiting to be sung in due time.

He has taken my hopelessness and helplessness in my life, and taught me to trust him. He has taught me to endure the darkest of times. He has taught be to find beauty in pain. Lessons in times of trouble. Most of all, he has taught me how to have hope. How to hold onto hope and never let it go. He showed me the power of hope, how it is a lifeforce. He has showed me to appreciate the little things in life. He has showed me not to be materialistic. To cherish the true friendships and relationships in life. He has taught me to expierence deeper more real and raw emotions. To not be a robot or a sheep. To have a mind of my own. To not afraid to be different. To quit trying to change myself to fit in to belong with the crowd. To be true to myself.
To appreciate the small moments, such as a cat coming in to curl up on your lap, or a dog coming for attention. To not take these small moments for granted. to cherish them deeply. For example

Thomas Westfall said:

He has taken my hopelessness and helplessness in my life, and taught me to trust him. He has taught me to endure the darkest of times. He has taught be to find beauty in pain. Lessons in times of trouble. Most of all, he has taught me how to have hope. How to hold onto hope and never let it go. He showed me the power of hope, how it is a lifeforce. He has showed me to appreciate the little things in life. He has showed me not to be materialistic. To cherish the true friendships and relationships in life. He has taught me to expierence deeper more real and raw emotions. To not be a robot or a sheep. To have a mind of my own. To not afraid to be different. To quit trying to change myself to fit in to belong with the crowd. To be true to myself.
To appreciate the small moments, such as a cat coming in to curl up on your lap, or a dog coming for attention. To not take these small moments for granted. to cherish them deeply. For example

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He has taught me, that everythign isnt as always as it appears. There may be reasons for things happening to you that you cant understand. Or people act a certain way because of trauma and not because they are a bad or evil person. he taught me that everything has a cause or reason and we should looker deeper than face value.

NBB said:

This illness seems to be making you do not reasonable stuff, that you shouldn't do.
I think is very good to be self aware, when we have some issue, that plays tricks on us, and recognize it, to try to not follow it.

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This illness my Grandmother had, and my mother had.
My mother had is so bad that it wasnt safe for her to raise me. And my dad had to get a hardship discharge out of the navy to come home, divorce my mom, and take care of me when i was 3 years old.
I was diagnosed with the illness after I took a leap of faith and gave all my possessions away to a church and quit my job. Thats why my illness is religious based. My schizo is intertwined with religion. That is my struggle, my cross.

I am on medication. Which helps. I had just recently slipped and came off my medication because i lost insurance. I just recently got insurance back and got back on my meds. I have a dr appointment Tuesday. I am trying to live a balance life of belief in schizo and belief in god. My current state of life, is much more positive now than it was in the past. I am much more stable and happier deeply inside than i was in years past now.

thank you for your kind words NBB and engaging with me and my post and thread. I believe that only going through the lowest of lows, can you truly appreciate the highest of highs, or expierencing the lows, makes the simple more common things we take for granted mean so much more and can make us feel "higher"/more enjoyment more easily.
It really puts it in perspective. Appreciating the smaller things in life. It doesnt a smaller amount of effort to make me happier now than it did years ago because of the hell ive been through.
Simple things like playing cards with my aunt and uncle (phase 10) has become a cherished Ritual that i would not let go for the world. That time i get to spend having fun competing to win and spending time with them. Words cannot explain the depths of my appreciateness of that today. Something i would take for granted for years ago. But now, its sacred to me. That time i get with them playing cards nearly every other night. It is GENUINE Joy.