Making an idol out of your future wife

I've screwed up enough in this area to know that idolatry of future spouse is very connected with how you are/have been treated relationally and socially. I may be presumptuous here, but if you are idolizing your future wife, there is probably a relational need (a need for human intimacy, most likely) that is not being fulfilled. I'd ask God for some close(r) friendships if I were you.

God bless
kayli

joesnow said:

I read it in another post. It's just the order we should look at things

MASTER - ie:God, we should concern ourselves with serving Him.
MISSION - what are we good at? Waht can we do to serve
MATE - Once we have 1 and 2 underway, we are better grounded for a fantastic mate to share it with and help each other.

I think its a good model

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I like what joesnow has mentiond above, from experience it does ring true that one should focus on the Lord, use your gifts to build up the church (I'm talking in terms of fellowship, behind the scenes and etc) and the rest will naturally come...

BTW have kind you of expressed your interest to the lady in question? It may get her thinking, praying and etc, it also shows that you have confidence and that you're not afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone to test the waters...

I'm in a situation where I'm interested in this particular lady whom I informed her of my interest but was rejected. Two and a half years down the road, I drew close to the Lord, used my gifts to build/support the church behind the scenes and also tried redirecting my affections elsewhere. You'll know when you don't feel confortable chasing other girls or that it doesn't feel right.

It was not till this day that I realised that I had already discovered the one who I would be committed to grow with, through what God has showed me over the years I discovered how we interact individually with the world and grew more in maturity. Well, I've stopped searching, informed her of my conclusions/convictions and am now content with whatever the Lord has planned for me in the future... even though we may just be friends, who know's, she may not be the one and God is preparing someone else for me... she may now see me in a different light and etc.

Honesty and Character... one other thing to keep in mind, don't pretend that things aren't happening, be honest with yourself and don't be afraid of being vulnerable and letting your feelings out - it takes courage to get things going. Also stand up for what you believe, believe in what you believe - Jesus Christ is Lord, show it through your actions, people and etc...

I hope I've given you some encouragement, it all comes down to knowing Jesus and whatever happens will always be in His hands. Keep praying brother and live as each day as they come, if you've ever seen ones death, a year is not long you know... what have you got to lose?

Take care and God bless,
Love in Christ

Peter

I think anyone who thinks they love someone before they even know them is probably guilty of making them an idol. Taking it slow is the key. I hear the feeling is probably supposed to come from the inside-out rather than the outside-in.

Excellent thread. A very worthwhile topic to think about. I've had two girls I was seriously interested in (one of which I would say I really fell in love with), and I can see how I easily put them ahead of God. I think it's natural to think about someone you're interested in a lot, but my problem was that I tended to try and be a better Christian as a way of convincing God that I was worthy of this amazing woman. I'm not going to judge whether that played a part in our not ending up together, but it certainly wasn't healthy for my spiritual life. When I finally realized that we were really not going to end up together I fell away from God for a while and got into some things I shouldn't have. From where God is bringing me now I realize even more that it's necessary to learn how to have a right relationship with God before you can succeed with a Godly woman.

To those who wonder whether you can balance interest in a woman AND God, yes, of course you can. Here's what you're striving for:

Matthew 6:33:
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well

See the pattern? Seek God, seek His righteousness, and then He will give you the other things you need. How do you balance it? You put God first, learn how to walk closely with Him, and then when you seek a woman to fulfill you, she will be a Godly woman who is putting God first in her life as well. Make sense?

Here's another way I've learned to see it: You attract what you project. If deep inside you're using God as a way to try and get Christian women to like you, they will see right through it (assuming they are putting God first in their life). If you really are endeavoring to put God first in your life, then trust that the right woman will see that and appreciate it.

Right now there's no one on my radar screen, which I think makes the job a little easier, but I hope I'm able to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ before the right woman comes along.

Peter,
thanks for your thoughts, very helpful. Think we may have experianced similar things.

I saw my friend this morning, she is going back to Uni this afternoon, so it will be a while before I see her again. Some members of our Church are going to Spring Harvest (a Christian conference at Butins) over Easter, and i'm actually sharing a chalet with her and some other young people including my two younger brothers. This will be a good opportunity to spend some time with her, have a laugh and a joke, and tell her how things are if I get some time alone!

Our families are pretty close and that is how we have come to know each other well. She is always interetsed in what i am up to and makes time for me after the service while i am packing my equipment and guitar away (involed with worship/ general church set up).

I trust in the Lord's Design, make each day count, and try to take every opportunity.

Blessings!

Joesnow: Spring Harvest? Easter? Butlins? is it in Skegness? I've been going to Word Alive over the past few years and will hopefully go again this year, God willing... who knows we may bump into each other...

Yes, may each day count as a blessing from God, and try to take every opportunity, God has a surprise for you somewhere and is waiting for you to find it

Peter

mwb said:

I hear the feeling is probably supposed to come from the inside-out rather than the outside-in.

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Ah, that's good, mwb.

RooiWillie: My father died last August due to liver cancer, we weren't in good terms then. I made amends while he was in a coma and used that opportunity to share the Lord with Him before He passed away the next day. Glad I did, not sure whether He accepted or not but only the Lord knows.

No, I have not. I’m not sure how doing so equates with waiting on the Lord – i.e. waiting for His green light? I think she knows how I feel about her.

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Over the years I've learnt not to make any assumptions or presume that people know what you think they know, if you know what I mean. Waiting is good, trusting the advice of others is good, but there'll be a time where you'll have to decide for yourself, taking all things into consideration, and ask, if you are still thinking of pursueing her that is, and the outcome of that will direct you in your future decisions.

I guess I've learnt to be honest, open and be somewhat direct with my approach to things, mind games are very exhaustive and distracts us from following Christ if not handled properly. I like to go on serving the Lord with a clear heart and mind, not having to deny or worry about the 'What if's" and regrets for taking action in situations that arise, the tendency for some people is to blame God for these. I've learnt that things can happen in a flash, life can come and go in a flash, 'you' have no control of your future...

My pastor told me that she’s been blocking guys’ attempts left right and center the past year.

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You could politely ask her? she could be waiting for you . Anyway talking is a good way to get to know one another...

"You'll Know" : I see you're handling your situation quite well at the moment, keep praying and trust in His guidance. It's hard to explain, everyone is different and the way He carries out His plan for each one of us is quite amazing and more so creative... I think it could be this peace one feels when things starts to take shape and make sense a bit, based on what you have observed so far over the day's, weeks and months, like a prayer has been answered.

Many things I'm sure you'll discover in time for what He has ordained for you... in God's eyes there is no single prescription. Patience is also Good.

Love in Christ

Peter

mwb said:

I think anyone who thinks they love someone before they even know them is probably guilty of making them an idol. Taking it slow is the key. I hear the feeling is probably supposed to come from the inside-out rather than the outside-in.

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That is good advice
We all are guilty of that
We do need to make sure that we don't make people out of idols!

twistedsketch said:

I can very much relate, one reason I've avoided women is that when I didn't, I would idolize them. Because I did that, God did not bless our relationship that it would turn into an actual dating relationship. The way I see it, the door is either wide open for those kinds of feelings or shut so tight that you don't allow yourself to feel at all or get close to anybody of the opposite gender. A balance must exist, but I sure haven't found it.

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Brother, I am like everyone of you on here, but this is the closest to how i feel.

This thread became 20 years old yesterday. I can still relate to this. I had the idol of the future husband. Twenty years ago, I was a missionary in South Korea. I had a big crush on a teacher from New Zealand. I chased him around relentlessly. I should have never done that. First, I was there to be a missionary, not to find a husband. Also, I needed to learn to let the man come to me, not the other way around. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. I thought it wasn't fair. Men get to do the pursuing, not the women. I made a fool out of myself in this process, had others gossiping about me, and embarrassed these men and made them uncomfortable. I still feel remorse for all this. I need to let it go in this New Year 2026.
Today I am now engaged. I should be getting married next summer. I do feel upset that I didn't find someone a long time ago. I wish I had gotten married at 26 or so. I will be 46 years old in March. I have to remember that God has reasons for things. I should have learned to trust God and not worry about things. I should have prayed for a spouse, and left things alone. I should have trusted God that He would bring me the right person at the right time. I should have also asked God to help me be a good wife.

This is honestly the reason why I moved away from singles early in my walk. The obsession with marriage made me uncomfortable and there was a desperation that didn't right with me. We had a term for this growing up. Boy crazy and the opposite were labels aptly applied to the person who always had the opposite sex on the brain. While it's understandable for teens it lands differently for adults and usually causes problems.

My experiences within the church weren't centered around the subject and I still believe it's unhealthy for the most part. I've watched people destroy their lives on their quest for companionship. They enter middle age and they're lonely and bitter which does little to attract someone willing to commit long-term.

We downplay the value of stability, soundness and balance. That's how permancency is forged. Not fanaticism or emotional upheaval and it's difficult to live with. I heard someone speak about the reason they chose their spouse a few months ago and the answer was telling. He said, she's my peace and I appreciated his honesty. It's a quality frequently cited that's usually absent in relationships.

I think a lot people romanticize marriage and avoid the uncomfortable realities couples face. We live in a world mired with sin but they sound like Disney. Faith doesn't free us from challenges. If you spend time in the company of people who are married or read books and listen to podcasts you'll be grounded and spend more time addressing your imperfections and growing in holiness. It makes a difference.

We want to engage from a healthy place and part of that is feeling good about ourselves and knowing our worth. Not filling a void or meeting physical needs. The other side of that is how we live. Are we conducting ourselves honorably? We don't become a different person when we say I do and must be honest about the impediments that would compromise a union and address them.

For what things a man shall sow, those also shall he reap. For he that soweth in his flesh, of the flesh also shall reap corruption. But he that soweth in the spirit, of the spirit shall reap life everlasting.

I've developed the practice of looking at my life with my purpose in mind and it never leads me astray. The things and people that oppose the principle aren't hard to discern. Every time I choose God above the other things work in my favor and marriage is no different. We keep forgetting we don't see as He does and our view is limited. God doesn't plan for everyone to marry in their twenties. It's an uncomfortable truth some must accept. The same applies to children. Some will never bear fruit and it doesn't mean it's your fault.

We lie to ourselves to make sense of our failures instead of accepting it's not our time or wasn't meant. If we got everything we wanted what need would we have of Him and where would the cross come in? We should give greater attention on who we'd be in a marriage and how we'd bless our spouse until death. There's 365 days in a year. Can you think of something you can do on their behalf everyday without repeats? That's a person you won't forget when you encounter them. They've moved beyond emotion into service and that's the heart of what marriage entails.

~bella

Christine19 said:

Also, I needed to learn to let the man come to me, not the other way around. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. I thought it wasn't fair.

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Uhmmm.... There are ways around it but I guess it's 20 years too late now!

As Christian, forgiven of sins, you can live a life free of regrets! Nothing to it really.

Personally, it's one of my fears that I'll make an idol out of my future wife or even GF and even become over protective. Ironically, it's one of the reasons I'm avoiding relationships.

Christine19 said:

This thread became 20 years old yesterday. I can still relate to this. I had the idol of the future husband. Twenty years ago, I was a missionary in South Korea. I had a big crush on a teacher from New Zealand. I chased him around relentlessly. I should have never done that. First, I was there to be a missionary, not to find a husband. Also, I needed to learn to let the man come to me, not the other way around. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. I thought it wasn't fair. Men get to do the pursuing, not the women. I made a fool out of myself in this process, had others gossiping about me, and embarrassed these men and made them uncomfortable. I still feel remorse for all this. I need to let it go in this New Year 2026.

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Christine19 said:

Today I am now engaged. I should be getting married next summer. I do feel upset that I didn't find someone a long time ago. I wish I had gotten married at 26 or so. I will be 46 years old in March. I have to remember that God has reasons for things. I should have learned to trust God and not worry about things. I should have prayed for a spouse, and left things alone. I should have trusted God that He would bring me the right person at the right time. I should have also asked God to help me be a good wife.

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Nah, you weren’t ready then. You’ve confessed that to that. When you were doing those things, that had to be weeded out. That would’ve still been with you had you got married then. I think it’s being weeded out even now for you. When you are married next year, you won’t say “I wish I had got married at 26.” That wasn’t even that long ago, that’s a blink. But long enough to be weeded thru

DragonFox91 said:

Nah, you weren’t ready then. You’ve confessed that to that. When you were doing those things, that had to be weeded out. That would’ve still been with you had you got married then. I think it’s being weeded out even now for you. When you are married next year, you won’t say “I wish I had got married at 26.” That wasn’t even that long ago, that’s a blink. But long enough to be weeded thru

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The woman doing the pursuing may not be "normal" but there's nothing in the Bible that says it's wrong. Men do it all the time. If women do it, it's unGodly? I don't think it is.

Jesus does not require us to be "socially acceptable" in fact, if you can truly follow Jesus, you won't be socially acceptable!

I personally have a Christian relative who got married because the woman made the first move and still happily married for more than 30 years now.

I knew women who says that sometimes they have to take the initiative if the man is too timid. They also need to take the initiative if they want to be with the man they really wanted.

It doesn't even have to be obvious. Sometimes you just have to make it easy for the guy. If the guy still can't pick it up, he either too dumb or too troubled by other things.

Fantasy is always better than reality. We yearn for an idealized version of life and relationships. We need to stay grounded in reality.

There's also the problem of spending too much time inside your own head, putting too much thought into a relationship for the level of relationship that actually exists. We can start to believe there is more there than there is.

We have to be on guard for delusionship, erotomania, and asymmetrical relationships.

We also need to embrace the reality of our relationship with the Lord. How strong is that? How real is God to us?

I was re-reading an old romance favorite last night. It involved a young, new minister, who was preparing for a specific ministry while also being in love and wanting to get married. He had to choose between finishing up some studies and setting up a new ministry, or more heavily and directly pursuing the woman he loved.

He chose his ministry because he believed that was his life's purpose, and he wasn't willing to hurt his relationship with the Lord, while also making his feelings for the woman known to her, communicating openly about it with her, and making a plan and general timeline for things to be accomplished. He trusted that if it was the Lord's will, and she was willing, the relationship with the woman would work out in due time. If she wouldn't want to be alongside him in his ministry, he was prepared to give her up for what he believed was God's will.

I also want to add that romantic love can feel very intense and seem like idolatry, but emotions don't make worship.

Worship is behavioral. I don't think our feelings about a person is wrong. I believe it is impossible to love someone too much.

The problems come in when we don't want God more or are not willing to be obedient to the Lord for the sake of the relationship with a person.