My wife and I were married October of 2022 after dating for 5 years. 6 months into the marriage my wife left to stay at her parents abruptly - in that time the Bible became weaponized against me about the "roles of the husband", and it wasn't until January of this year I found out that she had cheated during that time.
Matthew 19:9
And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.
This is a strong indication that Christ understands our situations in these events, otherwise why would He give any permission at all for divorce?
Malachi 2:16
“For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”
With that said, God does hate divorce, but I really think this is referring more to people's hard hearts (Matthew 19:8) who are seeking themselves and their lustful desires or an easy way out. This is, of course, my personal take on these things. I know God well enough to know He understands our situations much better than we do, and He isn't without understanding nor unreasonable. He knows who is abusing, who is being abused, who is trying, and who is not. To add to that as a caveat, we can be wrong at times, so prayer is essential, and my guess is you are praying considering the extent of this situation. So keep praying and don't stop, as faith does not quit when silence is heard and He promised to answer. (Matthew 7:7)
I don't think God intends us to endure pure evil, for example, from another person in a marriage. That isn't really what marriage is for. It isn't a mechanism to lock someone into torture or abuse and I don't see anything in Scripture that suggests such a thing. The entire Bible's focus is literally on being loving, selfless, and kind to each other based on God's nature of love and goodness. (John 15:13 - 1 Timothy 1:5 - 1 Corinthians 13:2 - 1 John 4:8)
What that boils down to in terms of decision making in this complex scenario I cannot say outright, but I know it should be heavily considered.
Now, on the flip side...earlier this year I sinned and had an affair with another woman. It was during this time when my wife came clean about her affair and even stated "she did not have to come clean if I didn't do what I did."
Obviously, this is a case where both sides have been in the wrong in the past by now. One thing may have caused another, but bringing that stuff up will only breed bitterness if being discussed at some point in the future. Someone keeping secrets within a marriage though or stating they don't have an obligation to "tell the truth" is a bit on the deep end of unfaithful. Faith and trust are interchangeable words and if there is no honesty then there is no trust. I would wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that a husband or a wife has any right to keep secrets, and especially about cheating, unless they are trying to destroy the marriage and that is the goal. Without honesty, especially after unfaithful deeds, there will be zero trust, and without trust there is no relationship between any two people.
December 17 my wife agreed to come home as long as her "list" of items she requested be completed. This was deleting social media, cutting off all friendships, turning on cameras around the house, and reading the bible and taking charge with bible studies for the family.
This is divisive and extremely controlling. It is caused by a lack of trust, but it seems (from your post) she left abruptly and felt entitled to do so, and to do whatever else you've learned of since then. I don't know if she communicated with you before leaving but if not that doesn't reflect on you, as you didn't leave, she did, and this causes a breach in trust. If one person has issues with the other in a relationship, communication is needed, not departure without any indication of why. I've been in relationships like this where people are controlling and manipulative wanting to have absolute power to demand access to anything and surveil my life in a way that suggests I can never be trusted again. But like I said, that isn't a relationship at all, as a relationship is built on trust, and this kind of mentality is more so indicative of wanting a slave than a partner.
Trying to control another person has nothing to do with relationship or love and it is actually the exact opposite of both of those things. It is destructive and stressful and degrading and harmful to whoever is being cast as untrustworthy and not deserving of their own individuality or autonomy over themselves, their life, or their own decisions in nearly anything. Not making any statements about your situation directly, but stating what I'm observing from your post and what I know from much personal experience with these type of things and pointing them out for discernment.
I have to add that there are MANY more complexities involved here. The birth of our son after she returned home (which was brought into question from her infidelity, and I even felt entrapped with). The complete character change of my wife who has become vindictive, condescending, and manipulative. The needed psychiatric and mental help needed for my wife (self mutilation, possible bipolar issues). The hardness against her parents. The distrust and hardness for her because of her job as a Paramedic. The lack of trust on BOTH sides for us in literally anything...the list goes on.
We have gone to 3 marriage counselors, our pastor, and even a christian friend who went through a similar situation with his wife. My faith itself has been split because the churches here (South Carolina) believe that the husband is responsible for his wife's shortcomings to the point of her even cheating. This has caused me so much mental and physical anguish because I feel as if I'm being 100% blamed for all of her issues.
It absolutely does sound like an extremely hard situation and very painful. Emotional pain can really destroy a person from the inside out, especially if they have a tender heart. My heart truly goes out to you and so do my prayers.
Vindictive, condescending, and manipulative is not ok in my book. I don't think Christ intends for us to become punching bags for someone and that we stay locked into the torture because we made vows to be faithful. Both parties made vows and I don't think I've ever heard a vow stated where anyone agreed to being abused, mistreated, and staying even when the other person (by behavior patterns) intends to destroy us through repetitive perpetual harm.
The suggestion that a husband is responsible for the decisions a woman makes is not in the least intelligible, I don't think it is Biblical, and I certainly don't think it can even be remotely rational. Volition, or free will, is something given to women just the same as men, and the moment men are responsible for women's choices (married or not) then we have a big problem here and they have been converted into children, who we absolutely are responsible for their choices (the children) before the age of accountability. Wives are there to help raise children, not to be another child, and to raise children you have to teach them how to make decisions. I don't think any (truly) self respecting woman on earth would dare say they cannot make their own decisions and they need a man to help them in every decision. This is essentially the same as "the devil made me do it," when one is tempted, but the book of James clearly tells us we are lead into temptation (James 1:14) on account of our own lusts and therefore, we cannot blame the devil. We are told to confess, not deny or pass blame (1 John 1:9). Women have responsibility of their own choices just as men do, and in Genesis 3 God questions Eve on her own decisions, He didn't ask Adam why she done it. This line of thinking to me is simply dead wrong in my opinion. If the husband is responsible for the wife cheating, why didn't Christ tell the people ready to stone the adulteress to go get the man because he is responsible for her cheating? Well, the answer is simple, he wasn't responsible for her cheating, she was and Christ forgave her and saved her life and then told her (not her husband) not to sin anymore.
I will be honest I have consulted with an attorney already - and I stopped myself from filing because I still do have a faint hope. I am to the point I can't imagine a future anymore with her. I can't even see past 1 week...
Where do I go from here? Am I just staying because this is the "normal" that I have become used to? I have been praying every day, reading the Bible and asking God to give me some type of guidance. Is his guidance telling me to continue with a divorce? According to the churches here, Divorce is NOT an option and should not even be considered.
I certainly do not want to be a voice encouraging divorce. I don't want to be writing this even if I'm honest (touchy subjects), calling the cards at face value, but I also did not want to leave you alone in this situation. If you are posting about it, then it is because you are seeking answers and opinions and considerations.
I would certainly pray hard about this, and follow God's guidance. I'm sure you have been advised to do this more than a couple times (or at least let's hope so), and I'm sure you have been praying, but I would pray even more like Christ suggested with the widow and unjust judge parable. (Luke 18:4 - Luke 18:5)
The bottom line is going to be whether you can get on the same page and be in agreement with each other. If her expectations are outrageous and unreasonable and demanding and controlling, I don't see how that will happen. The same is the case on your side, if she can't agree with how you see things, or she believes you are unreasonable or controlling or etc then there will be division between you. The Bible makes it clear two people cannot walk together unless they are in agreement (Amos 3:3). The trust factor is the absolute lynchpin of this whole ordeal. It cannot be done without it. Trust must be earned, and if both people are reasonable, some measures to help each other feel safe and be given transparency can be used but there is a line at which it is simply distrust being manifested in demands to prove loyalty and this typically doesn't build trust but results in more distrust and paranoia in the end.
You don't want to throw it to the wind without trying, and you don't want to have regrets if you come to the conclusion that you cannot make it work. One person cannot control another, and if that person refuses to work together with someone it ruins any compatibility. I have been blamed many times for people who simply wanted to ruin a situation and would not be reasonable, and I was bending over backwards to try and accommodate the other party (relationships and working relationships both). At times, you have to cut losses and just admit to the fact that some people are not as intent on making things work, and it isn't their top priority. No need to speculate on what their top priority is, but our behavior tells on us and indicates what truly matters most to us.
If you can come to an agreement about how to build trust, and agree on the fact both people were in the wrong at some point, putting the past in the past and bringing forth complete forgiveness toward one another, then hope toward renewed relationship can be found. It does take two to tango though, and anyone putting the complete burden on you, or even your wife, no matter who was at fault is just not helping in my opinion. Blame doesn't repair or mend relationships. Forgiveness does, trust does, agreement does, love does.
I'm praying for you, and a genuine and heartfelt prayer because I know this is heartbreaking, and that is an understatement. I have been through enough myself to have zero judgment toward anyone whether they be in the right or wrong. Christ came to make all of our wrongs right, and if we can cover other's sins we should (if they are repenting). We all need God's mercy and every one of us is in need of Christ's forgiveness. That should be the foundation any relationship work should be built on truly.
May God bless you, give you guidance, hope, and a strong heart. He will make good out of this no matter the outcome. He always does if we trust Him. (Romans 8:28)
