Seeking advice from lifelong virgins

I haven't been in a simlar situation but I think you're being a bit hard on yourself in one way. If you are worried about the fact you were intimate to some extent, see a priest or pastor and get their advice.

God is the one who made the sex drive so He knows how strong it is. He can hardly come down like a ton of bricks because you were "dabbling" in a process that He designed.

My old pastor told me he knew Christian men who had married simply to get some release from their sex drive. I don't think you're in that position, but as I said I don't think you need to continue worrying about having "deflied" the marriage bed because you haven't.

It must have been a terrible burden when she died at 19. But while grieving takes time, the fact is that you have a life to live. There may be another woman out there whom you would make very happy, and you likewise.

The biggest problem in Western society is finding someone who shares your faith. If you marry outside the church, you could be setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

You're only 22 or 23 so you've got time on your side. You don't need to rush into another relationship, but you don't need to cut yourself off either.

I'm getting off topic here, but the business of your "dabbling" romantically got me thinking a bit.

I thought of a scene in a movie about an Australian World War II cameraman named Damien Parer called "Parer's War".


He also happened to be a devout Catholic. One of his brothers Ferdy Parer became a Franciscan priest and I remember seeing his memoriam in "The Catholic Leader" way back in 1997. They were a Catholic Family.

Another wartime journalist Osmar White wrote a book called "Green Armour" which was about the war in Papua-New Guinea and the Pacific Islands. I used to have copy but it fell apart. It was very well written.


He mentioned Damian Parer in the section on New Guinea. It seems a bunch of "rough, tough, cursing Commandoes" were getting ready for bed. Then Parer piped up and said "Excuse me gentlemen, but I am saying my prayers."

White wrote "there was complete silence till he finished".

Then the hubbub started up again. For the record I remember my father saying the commandoes were tough.

But the bit that I though was relevant to your post was a movie scene when the virginal Parer and his bride who married during the war were fumbling around on their honeymoon.

Parer quipped "Whoever designed this just HAS to be a comedian!"

Unfortunately he was killed by Japanese machine gun fire in September 1944 filming American troops on Peleliu Island, so their marriage didn't last long. I don't think she ever remarried.

Sorry about the digression, but the movie scene came to mind due to your comments in the OP.

1Co_7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

The "burning" that is referred to here is the natural sexual arousal that occurs with men as well as other male animals. In addition to this physiological element, there is the intensity of youthful romance that after marriage decreases in intensity. Most widows and widowers have familiarity with the more settled aspects of a relationship. It is rare to have a relationship end so early.

You might want to be open to the possibility of a future relationship. Our society is rapidly rejecting Christ. This makes the possibility of meeting someone else a little more difficult. However, even intense grief tends to diminish over time.

another_lost_guy said:

I never had a girlfriend in my 22 years of life until I met the love of my life in 2024. She passed away earlier this year. She wasn't perfect but was closer to it than anyone I've ever met. Witty, innocent, gorgeous, thoughtful, forgiving, the whole 9 yards. We were waiting until marriage to have sex, both of us were virgins. She told me she didn't know what she would do if I died first, and that she would probably become a nun. I told her I would never remarry if anything were to happen to her. We didn't get a chance to get married to begin with, but sure enough, something did happen to her. I intend to honor the spirit of what I promised, I know there is no Biblical obligation, but I find it to be romantic to do so. But it has been and will be difficult for me. It's been 6 months since she passed now. I don't know why the Lord took her from this earth so early. She was just 19. I know that there's no marriage in heaven, but I really want to see her again. Without getting too graphic, we were not 100% innocent. We never had sex, but we definitely had very intimate moments together. Have I already defiled the marriage bed with her? Were/are we one flesh? Does that even matter when it comes to seeing her again? How can I find the resolve to honor what I promised to her? I don't mean to spark any played-out gender war nonsense but I am generally unimpressed with the American dating pool. I'm not necessarily longing for another woman, but I always envisioned myself having a family one day. Has anybody else been in a similar situation?

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You are free to marry again if you want to ... however not having sex before marriage ... any marriage is still in tact. I am sorry to hear of your loss .... who knows what the Lord might have in store for you. Defiling the marriage bed is having sex outside of marriage and you say that did not occur ...

Sexual intimacy is designed to be an expression of the "one flesh" unity between a husband and wife, and engaging in sex with others is seen as breaking this bond.

so yeah .... you were one flesh in the biblical sense

I lost someone young too though with far different complications than what you have. I can say too that while it has lasting affects, the problem with my relationships has not been any sort of promise, but rather the idea of other women not measuring up.
While your promise is noble, I think you should void it. Why? because there is no marriage in heaven. I imagine the woman who died would want you to have a chance. I would confess that promise as a sin, and try to move on giving yourself at least the option for marriage. It seems likely you are hardwired for marriage, so trying to short circuit that now is going to result in some pain for you. In your confession, I would tell God too that you are sorry you made that promise too if you did not consult with Him. Chalk it up to trying to do the right thing, that ended up in tragedy, but please don't carry that tragedy much further. Honor her life by remembering her and learning to grow in Christ with all that God can bless you with including a wife and family.
As to comparisons of her to other women, you will be able to overcome that. You have to see your role and any future woman you date from God's perspective, not yours. I will say too that God is very compassionate when you lose someone close like that. He will certainly try to bless you out of that loss when the time is right. Am alternative that helped me too was to consider foreign women.
I am certain the whole ordeal is like a test to you, with all kinds of emotions and thoughts. Rather than having even a hint of blaming God, which you may or may not be doing, you have to dig deep and let the relationship serve to inspire you to do even greater things for God. That death in my life inspired me to become a Christian, to this day, decades later, it continues to help me care more about others. I pray her death will be a positive catalyst for you too in every way, including marriage if you find the right person. God bless.