Avoiding people

Hello, for most of this year I’ve been avoiding going to church because i was hurt by people at church.

I know it sounds silly and it’s been a while since each incident (two years with one particular group of people and almost one year for incidents with two guys). I thought the passing of time would help me out, but it all still hurts.

I may even say I fear for my life in some instances as one guy I had problems with was physically violent towards me. On the other incident i sincerely say I even have nightmares about it even though it’s been two years.

But of course what hurts me the most is the emotional damage I have since most were my friends for years, and then well they deliberately harmed me at no fault of my own. Each story is long and complicated so I’m omitting.

Since they were all “Christian’s” my faith really took a toll and my emotions are not good toward going to church. I’m afraid of more problemas arising with the new people I’d meet.

I don’t know how to approach this, as I’ve tried to pray but my heart hasn’t changed. I’m still hurt and sort of ptsd from it all. I thought of talking to a therapist but it costs money of course and I’m currently unemployed. I could still do it, but I’m not sure if that would truly help.

Does anyone have advice or experience on getting over anxiety and fear of people after bad experiences with people at church?

Maria Billingsley said:

Prayers towards your situation. You have a perfectly reasonable reason to distance yourself from certain people. It sounds to me that these individuals have emotionally harmed you. If you are a female and these men have persued unwanted advances, displaided inappropriate behavior, or have created a hostile and uncomfortable environment, you probably need to address this directly with your pastor.
This is my advice assuming your situation closely aligns with what I have described.
Be blessed.

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Thank you, you are right, although there is limited things I can do about the men because all of the guys were strategic into harming me in ways it wouldn’t affect them directly. WHICH IS WORSE because their evil intent is even more evident.

About one guy I did talk to someone just recently from the Bible study we used to go to, not the guy’s pastor because I’m from a different province than where he goes to church. I didn’t mention that happened for almost a year after the incident … since the guy is a “national church leader” and the guys dad “is the pastor” from the church he goes to.

I did now told the Bible study guy that I stopped going all together because of that incident and he claimed he would talk to him, but I don’t think talking with him will have any impact as he is such an “Influential figure” and I was just “the new girl” in the group. The worst part is this guy has gone to the church I used to go to and is friends with people there so the possibility of running into him is very real as I’ve had already in the past.

The other guy, he was Christian, but I had met him at a boardgaming group through common friends and he tends to hop from one church to another so there’s no one to really talk to about this. He never openly pursued me and he swore he wasn’t interested until one day I gave him a ride home (because he didn’t have an car) after a boardgame event he restrained me in my car. And since he was violent I don’t want to even bother because I fear he may try to harm me physically if he realizes I told someone about his behavior. Also, since he hops from place to place I worry I may run into him at some point as the city I live in is small and there ain’t many churches around.

There was yet another guy, he tried to pursue me through social network and he was also a part of a ministry in a local church I don’t personally go to. This guy didn’t get the chance to outright harm me as most of our interactions were online and I didn’t know anyone from his congregation to accuse him about his mistreatment towards me during his “attempt” at courting me when I was still single.

I am aware they are the problem and that not everyone at church collectively is at fault here, but I just don’t feel safe because I go to church by myself since I don’t have a Christian family and it seems I’m an seen as a target to harm to by this deranged men.

DialecticSkeptic said:

Emotional wounds left from betrayal, especially by trusted Christians, tend to persist until they are processed, not just waited out. A good trauma-informed or faith-sensitive counselor can help you process this, separating what happened from the truth of Christ himself. Some offer reduced rates or sliding-scale sessions, and there are community or online options that can make it more affordable; some churches can recommend a specific faith-sensitive counselor that would be free to you because their charitable giving covers the costs. (My church does that.)

That being said, the church is God's appointed channel of grace, community, and spiritual edification, even when people inside it fail badly (because they do). Healing doesn't happen apart from Christ's body but through being gently restored within it. The key is finding a setting where safety, accountability, and pastoral care exist together. It might help to start by meeting privately with a trustworthy pastor or elder. (It doesn't have to be from the church where you were hurt.) Tell him what happened and that you're struggling to come back. A good pastor will listen carefully, take your fears seriously, and help ensure that whoever mistreated or harmed you is not in a position to hurt anyone else. Church leaders have a responsibility to protect the flock and to address sin openly and justly (though not necessarily publicly).

Pray for courage and discernment, and remember that Christ himself was betrayed by religious people and those closest to him. He understands your wounds better than anyone—and he also knows how to lead you safely back into his church.

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Hello! Your advice sounds very sound as I’ve not had the chance to really talk to this with someone mature enough. If you can recommend online counseling with a pastor or therapist who is Christian I would totally do it.

I expressed what happened to two friends who have good intentions and have been respectful, but they don’t understand just saying that “not everyone is like that” will help me feel safe enough to go back to the church I used to go to.

My main problem I have is that I’m a pretty lonely woman, I dont have a Christian family to attend church with and my friends have their own lives they can’t go with me, and in spite they used to sometimes, the men still managed to find ways to harm me.

I will get married soon so hopefully I may be able to go to church accompanied at all times in the next months or years, but the emotional harm is still there and I don’t even want to go and have to deal with people and unnecessary problems.