- Aug 23, 2007
- 23,131
- 11,701
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- United States
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Hi everyone. Keep in mind that what may not be a big deal for you, might be a big deal for me. I don't know how to start this.
I've been going on-and-off to the parish that's closest to me even though I don't have an inclination to be a member. I thought that maybe with the attendance of a Faith Formation course, it might help, but I'm no longer wanting to attend the course. I'll get back to this in a bit.
There is a man who I've seen in my subconscious over the years there (but never paid close attention to), but something happened in me a few weeks ago when I unwittingly made eye contact with him and inadvertently smiled (it was reciprocated) and I've been under mental torture ever since. Ironically, we have never spoken to one another. As a result, I have gotten torn as to whether to keep going to this parish, even though I had been going on-and-off to this parish well before this problem ever began. I did not think he attended the 4:30 Mass and maybe he normally doesn't, but truth be told I have no idea and don't care to figure that one out.
I tried noticing his fingers and the last time I checked (very recently), there was no ring. I know some people don't wear rings even if they're married but that's at least some indication of whether they could be married or not. I was kind of relieved and thought maybe there was a chance. (Why did I say that to myself?)
Well, I went to 4:30 Mass today thinking, I haven't been seeing him before at this Mass, and I doubt he'll be here. Well - good grief, my heart sank today after I got Communion. Normally when I get Communion, I go back to my pew and immediately open the songbook to the Communion hymn being sung but today I didn't quite do that. While I did open up to the hymn, I wasn't continuously looking at the hymn like I do normally (that is, I tend to look at the hymn and don't look at the others getting Communion). Sigh - oh dear, well, I deviated from my usual behavior and looked up for a moment and he was getting Communion with a kid in his hand and my heart sank to the ground and I started getting the urge to cry. I made sure I controlled myself in Church even though the hymn being played was a song that automatically gives me the urge to cry ("I am the Bread of Life"). Not a great day to endure that hymn.
A part of me wrote him off right there but it didn't stop the urge to cry and I thought to myself, "I can't come back here. I'm not strong enough. It's easier to go here as far as location and good priests, but I'm not capable of seeing this man with a kid when I thought he could be available. I don't think I have it in me to try not to cry, again. I want to run back to the Cathedral or any other parish but here; I can't take this anymore. How much suffering can I handle? I'm already at my wits end."
My emotions are at war with my logic (do I have that, even?) in the sense that any modicum of desire I had to go the formation course is GONE, even if he were not going to it. I don't have the fortitude to jump into this when I'm feeling so raw from this letdown. OK, someone may say "Maybe he's an uncle to that kid, or widow." No, that's not how it works, he's most likely a dad and I tell myself he's not old enough to be a widow. I don't remember if there was a woman; I was so fixated on realizing he was carrying a kid, that I forgot to see if there was a woman - actually, I'm better off not remembering.
I know this might be a matter of limerence and that my life shouldn't revolve around someone who doesn't give a flying fig about me, but that doesn't change my mind. I've dealt with limerence in the past and the brain-rot I felt from it seems like an eternity until the limerence fades (the last one took literally years to fade).
I'd like to think that God is doing me a favor by helping me find this out now instead of later, but no, that's not helping me either. I technically have the right to go to that parish since I've gone there for literally years until this crap ensued, but - easier said than done. I also have some nostalgia for that parish. When I went to Catholic school ("for the education") from kindergarten to third grade, this was the parish whose school it was attached to (and still is). The Church gave my mom a funeral too. However, I'm struggling to care that this even matters when I'm suffering right now.
I've been going on-and-off to the parish that's closest to me even though I don't have an inclination to be a member. I thought that maybe with the attendance of a Faith Formation course, it might help, but I'm no longer wanting to attend the course. I'll get back to this in a bit.
There is a man who I've seen in my subconscious over the years there (but never paid close attention to), but something happened in me a few weeks ago when I unwittingly made eye contact with him and inadvertently smiled (it was reciprocated) and I've been under mental torture ever since. Ironically, we have never spoken to one another. As a result, I have gotten torn as to whether to keep going to this parish, even though I had been going on-and-off to this parish well before this problem ever began. I did not think he attended the 4:30 Mass and maybe he normally doesn't, but truth be told I have no idea and don't care to figure that one out.
I tried noticing his fingers and the last time I checked (very recently), there was no ring. I know some people don't wear rings even if they're married but that's at least some indication of whether they could be married or not. I was kind of relieved and thought maybe there was a chance. (Why did I say that to myself?)
Well, I went to 4:30 Mass today thinking, I haven't been seeing him before at this Mass, and I doubt he'll be here. Well - good grief, my heart sank today after I got Communion. Normally when I get Communion, I go back to my pew and immediately open the songbook to the Communion hymn being sung but today I didn't quite do that. While I did open up to the hymn, I wasn't continuously looking at the hymn like I do normally (that is, I tend to look at the hymn and don't look at the others getting Communion). Sigh - oh dear, well, I deviated from my usual behavior and looked up for a moment and he was getting Communion with a kid in his hand and my heart sank to the ground and I started getting the urge to cry. I made sure I controlled myself in Church even though the hymn being played was a song that automatically gives me the urge to cry ("I am the Bread of Life"). Not a great day to endure that hymn.
A part of me wrote him off right there but it didn't stop the urge to cry and I thought to myself, "I can't come back here. I'm not strong enough. It's easier to go here as far as location and good priests, but I'm not capable of seeing this man with a kid when I thought he could be available. I don't think I have it in me to try not to cry, again. I want to run back to the Cathedral or any other parish but here; I can't take this anymore. How much suffering can I handle? I'm already at my wits end."
My emotions are at war with my logic (do I have that, even?) in the sense that any modicum of desire I had to go the formation course is GONE, even if he were not going to it. I don't have the fortitude to jump into this when I'm feeling so raw from this letdown. OK, someone may say "Maybe he's an uncle to that kid, or widow." No, that's not how it works, he's most likely a dad and I tell myself he's not old enough to be a widow. I don't remember if there was a woman; I was so fixated on realizing he was carrying a kid, that I forgot to see if there was a woman - actually, I'm better off not remembering.
I know this might be a matter of limerence and that my life shouldn't revolve around someone who doesn't give a flying fig about me, but that doesn't change my mind. I've dealt with limerence in the past and the brain-rot I felt from it seems like an eternity until the limerence fades (the last one took literally years to fade).
I'd like to think that God is doing me a favor by helping me find this out now instead of later, but no, that's not helping me either. I technically have the right to go to that parish since I've gone there for literally years until this crap ensued, but - easier said than done. I also have some nostalgia for that parish. When I went to Catholic school ("for the education") from kindergarten to third grade, this was the parish whose school it was attached to (and still is). The Church gave my mom a funeral too. However, I'm struggling to care that this even matters when I'm suffering right now.
