Part of the problem is you speak in a language that is alien to me (Protestantism) and not related to how I viewed the faith or my part in it. About 10 years ago after I had discovered this site and had followed links from it to apologetics and counter-apologetics, to debates, and then to "atheist content", I had a moment of doubt and pain, or rather I convinced myself that I had never really believed and was just going through the motions in my church days. But, the problem was that I was watching too many ex-evangelicals make their arguments against religion (and the ways that *they* had tried to communicate to the believers in their audience that *they* had once believed in the evangelical way) and had started to absorb their notions about what was needed to be a True Christian(tm). Since I had never had a "born again" experience or a "relationship with Jesus" nor ever read the Bible, I took that and that I'd never put a whole lot of focus my faith and convinced myself that I just wasn't a real believer. The problem was, I was privately embarrassed that I'd fallen for that Christianity thing in the first place and *wanted* it to be true that I was never a believer (or at least not in my adult life). That only lasted a couple of weeks of self-satisfaction, until I realized I really had believed that stuff about God and just because I hadn't done it the evangelical way that I wasn't even aware of didn't change the fact that I'd believed. (My next step was to be angry with my indoctrination and the time I had wasted, but I got over that too.)