Am I a false Christian or a "victim" of Satan?

riverandtree said:

I believe I converted two years ago, after going through a very deep depression. I'm 25 years old and have always had a tendency toward depression throughout my life. But everything got worse when I began to doubt the existence of God.
I immersed myself in atheist websites and began to blindly or fanatically believe in their arguments, which led me to atheism. I don't think I was ever 100% atheist, but I was largely one.
This inclination toward atheism brought a deep and profound spiritual depression into my life. I even sank into a very dark, dead-end pit and began to sin excessively. I stopped sleeping at night and slept during the day. I felt demonic presences when I slept and in my dreams. I had nightmares. I was in this situation for a little over two months.
Until one night, I surrendered to God in prayer. I was tired of the nightmares and the whole traumatic situation. I asked God for forgiveness and told Him to do whatever He wanted with me.
That same night I didn't have any nightmares while I slept, and when I woke up, I woke up completely credulous, convinced that God had healed and saved me.
From that moment on, completely transformative changes began in my life. I overcame the social phobia I'd suffered from my entire life; the depressive symptoms diminished until they disappeared completely. I began to have a normal relationship with my biological father (we always didn't get along, and because of his personality, I was afraid of him). However, we began to develop a father-son relationship we'd never had before, perhaps nothing unusual, but something completely unknown to me.
I stopped using obscene language in my home.
I fell completely in love with God. I wanted to please Him in everything, and it pained me greatly to fail Him.
I started attending church and didn't want to miss a single day of the meetings.
Neighbors and friends were amazed by my dramatic change.
I began practicing some hobbies, which I had in my past life but didn't enjoy passionately because of my depression.
All of this went smoothly for about 5 months (September 2023), when I felt God almost audibly tell me that I had to give up one of my hobbies, internet radio.
It's true that I did it for most of the day, so it's likely (or very likely) that I had made an idol of that hobby, and that I was distancing myself from God.
Then I quit, and little by little I began to experience a growing emptiness in my heart. Not only that, but little by little I began to doubt the existence of God again. My joy began to wane; it was no longer constant, but rather ups and downs. My shyness gradually returned, my mood began to depend on the circumstances, and there were times when I lost control, meaning the symptoms of my old life seemed to reappear. However, I continued to attend church without any problems, but there were many ups and downs.
And so it remained until approximately November 2024.
My father began to act harshly and somewhat abusively again (I don't know if it was because he noticed my bad mood and I seemed more easily manipulated, like in my old life, or because he was feeling ill again).
We have been working together since March 2024.
The problem is that the abuse became so harassing and unbearable that I couldn't take it anymore. I was becoming psychologically ill, withdrawing socially once again. Until one day I came home and decided I no longer wanted to work with him (December 2024).
Shortly after this happened, I once again challenged the little faith I had by conducting an atheistic Google search on whether God existed.
And that caused a break in my faith, so that for approximately six months now, I have been doubting that what saved me two years ago was the power of God, of Jesus, of the God of the Bible. And this brings me to what the title indicates. The fact that I am currently doubting the Scriptures, the existence of that God, indicates whether I was truly converted two years ago or if I am simply like the dogs and pigs of 2 Peter 2:21-22.
Furthermore, in recent months, due to questions I have asked members of my congregation about this state of unbelief and doubt, I have become angry and held grudges regarding things I have disagreed with them on, and I have responded inappropriately, obeying carnal desires. And I don't know (I really don't know) if a true convert can make those mistakes and have those ugly feelings. To this day, with one of the brothers, I still have them.
And the truth is, I'm very sad. I feel lost because I don't know where I stand. When I was in better times and I sinned, I realized I was close to God because I immediately repented and felt His forgiveness. But now I don't know when I'm obeying the Spirit, and when I act by the flesh, it's like I can't discern it; I'm much further away...
I also don't know if what's happening to me is my fault (maybe in part) or if it's a process prepared by God to help me grow spiritually and mature... I really don't know.
I find it hard to repent of my sins. There's a certain resentment toward God that I struggle to uncover. Genuine repentance doesn't spring from me, as if I have nothing to hold on to.
I don't know... What do you think?
Thank you.
God bless you all greatly.

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Welcome to CF. Your struggles seem to stem from your experiences with your father. I can say that there is NO connection between your earthly father and your heavenly Father. Our Father has an unconditional Love towards us. He knows your struggles and His will would be that you continue to lean upon Him and not quench His Holy Spirit that began a work in you. Instead of running away , run towards Him. Repentance (the changing of your mind) only comes when you completely surrender yourself, meaning, having an Agape Love towards Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Go back to your first Love, He awaits you.

Be blessed.

riverandtree said:

I believe I converted two years ago, after going through a very deep depression. I'm 25 years old and have always had a tendency toward depression throughout my life. But everything got worse when I began to doubt the existence of God.
I immersed myself in atheist websites and began to blindly or fanatically believe in their arguments, which led me to atheism. I don't think I was ever 100% atheist, but I was largely one.
This inclination toward atheism brought a deep and profound spiritual depression into my life. I even sank into a very dark, dead-end pit and began to sin excessively. I stopped sleeping at night and slept during the day. I felt demonic presences when I slept and in my dreams. I had nightmares. I was in this situation for a little over two months.
Until one night, I surrendered to God in prayer. I was tired of the nightmares and the whole traumatic situation. I asked God for forgiveness and told Him to do whatever He wanted with me.
That same night I didn't have any nightmares while I slept, and when I woke up, I woke up completely credulous, convinced that God had healed and saved me.
From that moment on, completely transformative changes began in my life. I overcame the social phobia I'd suffered from my entire life; the depressive symptoms diminished until they disappeared completely. I began to have a normal relationship with my biological father (we always didn't get along, and because of his personality, I was afraid of him). However, we began to develop a father-son relationship we'd never had before, perhaps nothing unusual, but something completely unknown to me.
I stopped using obscene language in my home.
I fell completely in love with God. I wanted to please Him in everything, and it pained me greatly to fail Him.
I started attending church and didn't want to miss a single day of the meetings.
Neighbors and friends were amazed by my dramatic change.
I began practicing some hobbies, which I had in my past life but didn't enjoy passionately because of my depression.
All of this went smoothly for about 5 months (September 2023), when I felt God almost audibly tell me that I had to give up one of my hobbies, internet radio.
It's true that I did it for most of the day, so it's likely (or very likely) that I had made an idol of that hobby, and that I was distancing myself from God.
Then I quit, and little by little I began to experience a growing emptiness in my heart. Not only that, but little by little I began to doubt the existence of God again. My joy began to wane; it was no longer constant, but rather ups and downs. My shyness gradually returned, my mood began to depend on the circumstances, and there were times when I lost control, meaning the symptoms of my old life seemed to reappear. However, I continued to attend church without any problems, but there were many ups and downs.
And so it remained until approximately November 2024.
My father began to act harshly and somewhat abusively again (I don't know if it was because he noticed my bad mood and I seemed more easily manipulated, like in my old life, or because he was feeling ill again).
We have been working together since March 2024.
The problem is that the abuse became so harassing and unbearable that I couldn't take it anymore. I was becoming psychologically ill, withdrawing socially once again. Until one day I came home and decided I no longer wanted to work with him (December 2024).
Shortly after this happened, I once again challenged the little faith I had by conducting an atheistic Google search on whether God existed.
And that caused a break in my faith, so that for approximately six months now, I have been doubting that what saved me two years ago was the power of God, of Jesus, of the God of the Bible. And this brings me to what the title indicates. The fact that I am currently doubting the Scriptures, the existence of that God, indicates whether I was truly converted two years ago or if I am simply like the dogs and pigs of 2 Peter 2:21-22.
Furthermore, in recent months, due to questions I have asked members of my congregation about this state of unbelief and doubt, I have become angry and held grudges regarding things I have disagreed with them on, and I have responded inappropriately, obeying carnal desires. And I don't know (I really don't know) if a true convert can make those mistakes and have those ugly feelings. To this day, with one of the brothers, I still have them.
And the truth is, I'm very sad. I feel lost because I don't know where I stand. When I was in better times and I sinned, I realized I was close to God because I immediately repented and felt His forgiveness. But now I don't know when I'm obeying the Spirit, and when I act by the flesh, it's like I can't discern it; I'm much further away...
I also don't know if what's happening to me is my fault (maybe in part) or if it's a process prepared by God to help me grow spiritually and mature... I really don't know.
I find it hard to repent of my sins. There's a certain resentment toward God that I struggle to uncover. Genuine repentance doesn't spring from me, as if I have nothing to hold on to.
I don't know... What do you think?
Thank you.
God bless you all greatly.

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If I was in your shoes, I'd be taking a lot more time to learn about the effects of various forms of depression and how to cope with it than I would with finding the "right theology." There's no need to beat yourself up over what is obviously the case about human nature to most sane people-----that life is hard and we need to have compassion and understanding for each other along the journey of life.

I'm pretty sure Jesus would approve of my saying so.

riverandtree said:

Thanks. But I don't know how to do it...

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Start with a supplication, as you did before, but this time ask for Him to bring you back.

riverandtree said:

But why would Jesus tell me to look outside of Him, for something that only He can give?

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If the Bible isn't a comprehensive "answer book" for every peculiar struggle and challenge we might face in life----and it isn't----, then "Why wouldn't He?" is my question and answer.

For a Christian, the Bible is the core source for spiritual information in living life, but it isn't (and wasn't designed to be) the only source for everything we have to deal with in life. We cut ourselves short when we think and act like it is.

I'm not implying that we have to open ourselves to every nuanced proposition that flows out of the gates of modern psychology, but where neuroscience is a part of applied psychology, there are some helpful things we can take from it to learn how to cope with depression (and something like anhedonia) which can coincide with letting go of the world and having a better walk with Jesus.

riverandtree said:

I understand you... but before I met Christ or had that encounter with him, I went to different psychologists for about five years, and they never solved anything... I also don't want to put my trust in anything that isn't God.
Forgive me if I'm being foolish or maybe I don't fully understand your message, but this is how I sincerely feel...

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And what did your psychologist(s) say about your depression and how to handle it?

As for engaging atheist sources and material, I eat that stuff for lunch and I'm still a Christian. Maybe just don't put too much trust into their specific angle of analysis of the Bible and continue to place appropriate boundaries between you and your dad.

As for the rest of it all, you're more or less in a similar existential state that the rest of us are in, so don't be too hard on yourself.

riverandtree said:

I believe I converted two years ago, after going through a very deep depression. I'm 25 years old and have always had a tendency toward depression throughout my life. But everything got worse when I began to doubt the existence of God.

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Hi, River and Tree . . . welcome to Christian Forums. We so appreciate having you. And you can put some things in the Christian advice forum, too, where there might be some compassionate and wise people who have not been checking here in our philosophy place.

But please do stay here and tell us how you are doing, plus whatever is helping you.

Amen, that you trusted in Jesus. I will offer, that one thing in becoming a child of God is that we have been turned "from the power of Satan to God" > I get this and offer this, through Acts 26:18.

So, yes indeed, every human without Jesus needs to be changed from Satan's power and brought into personal sharing with God Himself.

And God is almighty to defeat any sort of cruel and nasty stuff of Satan.

And yes a person in sin can get worse >

"But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived." (2 Timothy 3:13)

About how you got worse by doubting the existence of God > when I was rather young, I decided to question the existence of God; and right away I started to question if I myself existed ! !

It is a marvelous wonder, how we have any existence, at all - versus there being nothing. And we are conscious. How can it be, that there is all that there is, versus there being nothing ? ? ? ? And not only do we have our human selves, but there is God who is so good and loving and kind and personal with us humans, especially if we have trusted in Jesus.

And He is almighty to overcome and get rid of any cruel and nasty feelings and emotions and thinking which are anti-love.

God's almighty love "casts out fear, because fear involves torment", we have in 1 John 4:18.

Notice how it says God casts fear out > He gets rid of it along with all its sorts of "torment". He does not say to treat it, or negotiate with it, or try to rationalize ourselves out of its suffering. But trust God and how He is able to get rid of it. And discover how we become in His love, instead.

So, we do not need to make only our own effort to solve emotional trouble. We do not have to figure it out. But we can rest in the Lord and depend on Him who alone is able to get rid of wrong things from us.

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

God alone is able to truly put away cruel and nasty and negative stuff, plus He changes us to become kind and tenderhearted in relating with one another who are the family of Jesus. So-yes, by the way . . . we do this in sharing with one another children of God who is able to make us strong and wise for our close sharing with one another, so we do not just get hurt and get stewed in unforgiveness.

Because this is possible only with God, we do not need to compare ourselves with anyone else, because not a one of us succeeds against personality problems on our own. But >

"The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." (in Luke 18:27)

And yes Jesus is our way to God and all which is possible with Him. Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." (in John 14:6)

Now, of course, by the way > God does include us in helping one another as family in Jesus. So, yes you are wise to first pray and depend on God. But also be guided by our Father to people who are a good example for you and who pray for you and help you with God's word.

And God is able to use *anything* to help you grow in Jesus and living in His peace. So, do not be afraid of troubles and failures and enemies; but right in the middle of difficulty, we can feed on God's grace and enjoy Him and one another. And we always can do His good, in sharing with Him. Consider how Jesus so suffering and hated on the cross was doing such all-loving good.

And this is the Jesus who guarantees >

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

What struck me in reading your post is the giving up the internet radio. It seems that is where you turned negative. Was it because you became resentful that you had to give this up or perhaps what you seemingly heard may not have been God? It does not seem sinful if in the right proportions depending on the content? I imagine too that shifting the content toward Christian radio would have been ideal.

Regardless of that past issue and everything else you have to move forward the best you can. Lots of people find Christ and do not sustain it. In the parable of the sower, some of these people have no root in themselves. What are those roots? Most see the lack of them as superficial faith. In my life, it was not my faith, but those roots. That I had no real idea of who I was especially since I rejected my family and their chaotic life. As a rejected my family, I also rejected the positive aspect of my roots.. So I accepted the good things that my family brought, my heritage, and positives going back as far as I could. I learned to accept these things and found deeper ground from inside. I believe it is those roots mixed with who you are in God that help you become a better grounded Christian. Christians with great families probably don't have this issue, but those that have rebelled and had trouble are almost certain to have to deal with who they really are and how can God work with transforming those positives into who he created us to be.
Of course this may not apply to you and even if it does it does not cure all your needs. Other possibilities for growth would be to find a church that has the power of God. For deliverance, healing, and operation of the gifts that can help you in your journey. I say this because you seem to have a sense of the supernatural (both good and evil) yet how far you have seen that in God is likely lacking. So hopefully you will look at this area of God and learn your authority in Christ and the name of Jesus, as well as the person and power of the Holy Spirit. That you can be filled with the Spirit and have a knowledge and understanding of God and what He wants for your life. Remember too there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. So cut yourself some slack, and quit being so burdened by all the negative thoughts and accusations. You have a great path with God and future. I ask that God shows you how He sees you, that as Paul said in Ephasians that you would know the hope of your calling, the riches of your inheritance, the power of his might, the expanse of His love. (from Eph 3:16 and 1:18). God bless.

Trust in God no matter what you are going through. Offer up your sufferings etc to God for others...

Be determined that even though you are losing many battles against satan, he aint ever going to win the war!! Never!!!

Pray, keep close to God....stay strong in your faith. In difficult times is when your true love of God is very important....

God bless you

riverandtree said:

Thanks, brother, excellent answer.

Regarding the radio, I too am unsure whether it was God or the devil himself, who, knowing that, knew that taking it away would hurt me.
But I say I doubt it because it was something I was very focused on.
Also, it seems I have a strong tendency to idolize things, especially material goods.
Let's give an example. Let's suppose I buy something and it brings me joy... after a few minutes I ask myself: what would have happened if I hadn't been able to buy it? Would I have been able to be just as right with God?
That's simply what I sense.
If I think about the case of the radio, I would also have to think that it was a tool or gift given by Him to give me joy... but... is that logical? Do I need the radio to have joy? Is it possible that God uses a means to give me joy or happiness?
Wouldn't it be more logical if I had to depend solely on Him and His sacrifice on the cross?

When you can, please answer this.

Thanks

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Hopefully others can answer more too.
God wants to bless us and though he gives various seasons in our life, to me it would seem that he does sometimes give us things to help in our lives. I may really like a hobby, but is it an idol? That seems a stretch unless it is something sinful or really takes time away from God. He gives a helpmate to many, suggesting that it is good. Is a spouse an idol? It seems not as they are not mentioned here, though all other family members are.
Mark 10:29-30 (NASB)
29 Jesus said, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake,
30 but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life.

To me, most tests from God are designed to bring you closer to God. Also, does it glorify God? Is the removal just for a season or something permanent? I gave God all my rock music when I first got saved. I threw away my stash of concert ticket stubs, got rid of music like Pink Floyd and turned to Christian music. It worked out pretty well but over the years, yes, I do listen to a bit of rock at times, and even found country music appealing as well. (to my surprise).

In a way I am sorry this is such a test of discernment for you. If you are to give something up generally there is a replacement. I think too that you should be able to give something up at least for a time. Such discipline is good. That you can have alternatives that will bring you joy. I will say too that worldly joy is different from the joy of the spirit. Joy from within does depend on God, worldly joy depends on things. The former is far better but we all have a mix and yes God does give some nice gifts that go along with salvation. Abundant life is full and complete life, though with suffering at times, designed to make us better. This abundance seems elusive to you but I am thinking you do not expect it much? Why not? God gives lots of great gifts if you can reach out in faith to Him. Sometimes material things but those are the lesser gifts when what is really needed is wisdom, peace and for some even health.

I think the correction out of this is going to come from others around you that can discern and help you stay on track, it can come too from the Holy Spirit. But reach out in the fellowship with others. Even ask God for help. Moses and many others asked for help. Even Jesus wanted the disciples to pray but they were too weak to help. Such alone times are possible but they do not persist for very long. I mentioned before too about getting better teaching etc. to help break you out of the rut. Most Christians need that at times. It is not a bed of roses just gleefully following Christ for many. The bible says we will have tough obstacles and the process can bring love being shed in our hearts by the Holy Ghost.
Romans 5:3-5 (NASB)
3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
So sorry I can't answer if the internet radio thing was God or not. It seems to me you passed the test, as you obeyed and did the best you could. Sure, you, me and so many others may not have praised God on through various ordeals, but few of us are like paul and silas singing praises to God while jailed for the gospel. If it was the devil, God can make it up to you. If it was God, He too will act on his behalf to teach you and bring you closer. It may seem like a wreck now but you are not going to end up a wreck if you keep on persevering and looking for answers and the way of God.
I will say too that Some things are good to just leave on the shelf for God to bring up later to a time where you can understand and have revelation. Some of my questions to God have taken years, a few even pop up decades later. What matters the most is what you can look forward too. There is much, so talk to God about that and put the past behind you. I will say too that in my life the biggest enemy was "normal." Normal USA Christians are generally boring. Jesus' disciples were dynamic, flexible, ever learning, and a whole host of positive things. Yes, they had failures of faith too but they persisted and all did quite well with the exception of one. And no you are not like Judas. These days the worse most do is ignore the spiritual and you are far from that.
Another thing that may help you is to be honest with God. I am not saying insult Him, (From experience I know anyone can but it won't be fruitful) but instead tell him your issues with the radio, with family, with your job and even your disposition. Let those feeling out, not for Him, but so you do not keep much expression in because you have laid everything on the table and have asked for help. Remember too that weaknesses are not all fixed overnight so again that slack to yourself is very important. That's about all i can add at the moment. Be blessed though in every way.

riverandtree said:

I find it hard to repent of my sins.

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Jesus did say some things are hard to do. Join the club. Jesus said somethings are like having to pluck your eye out or cut off your hand. Don't get caught up in what's hard....get caught up in one thing, what's necessary! When your whinny natural mind wants to whimper and complain that's when you need to shout at it to SHUUUUT UUPPPPP!!!!! The more loudly and boldly you do that the better it will be for you!

riverandtree said:

There's a certain resentment toward God that I struggle to uncover.

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Throw that certain resentment towards God away like you would in throwing a freesbie away as fast as you can.

riverandtree said:

Genuine repentance doesn't spring from me,

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Why because your flesh cries out to be lazy and unrestrained? You need (as we all do) to stop allowing your natural mind accustommed to getting it's own way, tell it once and for all it's not the captain of your ship. Keep in mind that for YOU Jesus came down to the earth and died and was beaten and bruised to take your place to provide for you redemption....If you want a great darkness forever there may come a time you GENUINELY will wish that you did....So forget about your thought that you might not genuinely want to repent and consider rather that you genuinely had a rather foolish or unwise thought floating around in your head. Forget about it! If you're in need to repentance do it TODAY. Oh one last thing....you don't know what tomorrow in your life could bring! You need to take seriously the story Jesus told about a presumptuous man who thought he had much in storage for many years and to eat drink and be merry. I'm not saying this is going to happen to you, but you'd have to agree he told that man he was going to die that very night.

riverandtree said:

as if I have nothing to hold on to.

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And what exactly is that supposed to mean? Look forget all those diversionary thoughts and just DO the right wise thing. And just know that you have absolutely NOTHING if you're not in right relationship with God. I trust and hope you'll take hold of true wisdom and that I'll see you on the other side....HEAVEN. Don't let it be where ones which are there will talk about you saying, "You know I think he genuinely would have liked to be here!"

riverandtree said:

I believe I converted two years ago, after going through a very deep depression. I'm 25 years old and have always had a tendency toward depression throughout my life. But everything got worse when I began to doubt the existence of God.
I immersed myself in atheist websites and began to blindly or fanatically believe in their arguments, which led me to atheism. I don't think I was ever 100% atheist, but I was largely one.
This inclination toward atheism brought a deep and profound spiritual depression into my life. I even sank into a very dark, dead-end pit and began to sin excessively. I stopped sleeping at night and slept during the day. I felt demonic presences when I slept and in my dreams. I had nightmares. I was in this situation for a little over two months.
Until one night, I surrendered to God in prayer. I was tired of the nightmares and the whole traumatic situation. I asked God for forgiveness and told Him to do whatever He wanted with me.
That same night I didn't have any nightmares while I slept, and when I woke up, I woke up completely credulous, convinced that God had healed and saved me.
From that moment on, completely transformative changes began in my life. I overcame the social phobia I'd suffered from my entire life; the depressive symptoms diminished until they disappeared completely. I began to have a normal relationship with my biological father (we always didn't get along, and because of his personality, I was afraid of him). However, we began to develop a father-son relationship we'd never had before, perhaps nothing unusual, but something completely unknown to me.
I stopped using obscene language in my home.
I fell completely in love with God. I wanted to please Him in everything, and it pained me greatly to fail Him.
I started attending church and didn't want to miss a single day of the meetings.
Neighbors and friends were amazed by my dramatic change.
I began practicing some hobbies, which I had in my past life but didn't enjoy passionately because of my depression.
All of this went smoothly for about 5 months (September 2023), when I felt God almost audibly tell me that I had to give up one of my hobbies, internet radio.
It's true that I did it for most of the day, so it's likely (or very likely) that I had made an idol of that hobby, and that I was distancing myself from God.
Then I quit, and little by little I began to experience a growing emptiness in my heart. Not only that, but little by little I began to doubt the existence of God again. My joy began to wane; it was no longer constant, but rather ups and downs. My shyness gradually returned, my mood began to depend on the circumstances, and there were times when I lost control, meaning the symptoms of my old life seemed to reappear. However, I continued to attend church without any problems, but there were many ups and downs.
And so it remained until approximately November 2024.
My father began to act harshly and somewhat abusively again (I don't know if it was because he noticed my bad mood and I seemed more easily manipulated, like in my old life, or because he was feeling ill again).
We have been working together since March 2024.
The problem is that the abuse became so harassing and unbearable that I couldn't take it anymore. I was becoming psychologically ill, withdrawing socially once again. Until one day I came home and decided I no longer wanted to work with him (December 2024).
Shortly after this happened, I once again challenged the little faith I had by conducting an atheistic Google search on whether God existed.
And that caused a break in my faith, so that for approximately six months now, I have been doubting that what saved me two years ago was the power of God, of Jesus, of the God of the Bible. And this brings me to what the title indicates. The fact that I am currently doubting the Scriptures, the existence of that God, indicates whether I was truly converted two years ago or if I am simply like the dogs and pigs of 2 Peter 2:21-22.
Furthermore, in recent months, due to questions I have asked members of my congregation about this state of unbelief and doubt, I have become angry and held grudges regarding things I have disagreed with them on, and I have responded inappropriately, obeying carnal desires. And I don't know (I really don't know) if a true convert can make those mistakes and have those ugly feelings. To this day, with one of the brothers, I still have them.
And the truth is, I'm very sad. I feel lost because I don't know where I stand. When I was in better times and I sinned, I realized I was close to God because I immediately repented and felt His forgiveness. But now I don't know when I'm obeying the Spirit, and when I act by the flesh, it's like I can't discern it; I'm much further away...
I also don't know if what's happening to me is my fault (maybe in part) or if it's a process prepared by God to help me grow spiritually and mature... I really don't know.
I find it hard to repent of my sins. There's a certain resentment toward God that I struggle to uncover. Genuine repentance doesn't spring from me, as if I have nothing to hold on to.
I don't know... What do you think?
Thank you.
God bless you all greatly.

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You might find this forum more helpful for advice. Requests for Christian Advice

God bless you.

Your experiences are not dissimilar to a lot of Christian's experience, except perhaps in the degree to which you swung to the extremes. There is for most a sort of honey moon period with regard to the faith, where things are comfortable and maintaining the desire to please God is easy. But a tour through the Bible would show you that all manner of ugliness can come from people whom are used powerfully by God and have a deep relationship with Him. The reality is that the Christian life is filled with peaks and valleys, times where God's presence is fully felt and times where it is difficult to care what God has to say. There are times where we're in the oasis, lying in green pastures. And other's where we're in a spiritual desert, far from God. All of this to say you cannot hate yourself into a version of yourself you can love, and becoming what Jesus sees in you is not always going to be pretty. The most difficult thing to learn in the life of most Christians is that while God sets boundaries and allows us to do good works, Christianity is not about jumping through hoops and working ourselves to death avoiding sin of all stripes. Rather than focusing on yourself, cast your eyes upon Jesus. Rather than worrying about what you are or aren't doing to please Him, realize that the words God said to Jesus at His baptism are true of everyone who He gives the power to become sons and daughters. "This is my child, in whom I am well pleased." When you accept that your Father is pleased with you, the works flow from there. Trying to do it the other way around is a recipe for frustration and burnout.