The Hard Reality of Disagreement in Marriage

Open disagreement between spouses, or even just not seeing eye to eye, can be very painful. It is also quite common. Central to the art of marriage is to be able to accept this while also addressing it.

Experience shows that it is to be expected. To some extent then, disagreement need not mean that anything has gone wrong. We do well to begin by recognizing that how we deal with disagreement is precisely a key feature of how we grow our marriage and as individuals; I’d even go so far as to say it is ‘natural’ and part of the plan. This should be a very heartening thought.

Of course certain deeper disagreements might cross a line of seriousness and call for intervention or other such remedies. But most of us will be within a range of discord, variance, or tension that is ‘normal,’ the addressing of which will be part of our daily labors. A few principles might be helpful.

Probably the single most important step is to take stock of just what the nature and causes of the disagreement are. Often the pain and difficulty of the situation inclines us to jump to conclusions and then wade in without really examining what is going on. A first key question is whether this is simply a divergence of thought in the abstract, or is this complicated by personal elements such as painful aspects of our past lives or of our marriage relationship itself? The former situation, where we come to different conclusions unencumbered by emotional freight, is much more straightforward. Here we have a great and not-as-difficult opportunity—that is, if we seize it—of listening and getting to know the mind of the other. Even this takes practice and intentionality.

Continued below.