Im 34, new to church, and never pursued or been attracted to a church girl...until now:

GospelS said:

Thanks for sharing your journey and this updates. It's a testimony of faith and love. I was hoping you will eventually see. I'm glad you are starting to understand the wisdom of God and I'm proud of your achievements thus far.

Click to expand...

Dont get me wrong, there are still pangs of disappointment here and there, they don't last very long and I am still actively searching. It's still an uphill battle and a challenge. My anxieties and the fallout from my abuse as a child are not defeated by any means . And I still battle with the uncertainty on not knowing God's plan or what he is setting me up for

But as I increase my experience and interactions, I can have more context on getting to know people, where my interactions are not so "do or die" I guess. The negative feelings associated with how I feel are not as intense, I can sort of step back and look objectively and just breathe so to speak

For example last night I met a gorgeous girl at bible study. And in talking to her, I had pretty much no anxiety or worry about it. Not to say she wasn't intimidating but I could handle it and go with it. I could stay balanced on the surfboard and just ride. I wasnt in my head about "what do I say, should I say this or that, how do I look, am I gon a say something stupid"...I wasnt getting lost in my own head about trying to impress her or anything. I was just kind of myself

And when I found out I probably was never gonna see her again, I was only a tiny bit devastated xD

Again, this monolith of being self conscious and overthinking is not GONE. But God has given me power and tools to at least take some chunks out of it

GospelS said:

I know. I didn't get you wrong. You are starting and i think you are at the right pace. There's more. I kinda see your progress from here on. I don't want to be a spoiler. He is with you. So i'm not worried at this point.

Click to expand...

i am not worried either....as i may or may not have mentioned, 2024 has been an absolutely insane year so far of life changes. changes, wake up calls, battles, learning. i TRULY feel that i was on a certain path and god literally lifted me up and put me on a different one. my faith and relationship with god feels...very familial, almost casual and conversational. not in how serious i take it, but in the way i interact with him. my personal feeling is that god is the Father, but Jesus feels more like a brother to me. but i digress

life is a journey and an evolution. our past informs our present which informs our future. my faith in god was no instant overnight, i did not have a transfiguration where i felt different. my relationship with god and getting through life have been more like a plant than an explosion or something instant. its a journey that has ups and downs every day

im glad you can see my progress brother, because i cant, and its one of the biggest arguments i have with God. mostly when reading the bible, God TELLS people, directly, certain things. promises, prophecies. when abraham is lamenting about not having heirs, god says "relax, you will have many descendants". when rebecca is worried about her pregnancy, god assures her "you have twins, they will be great nations".

sometimes i get aggravated that i am in the dark, just blindly following a path. if god would tell me "your wife IS out there, it WILL happen, you WILL have sons", i would be so much less worried lol

GospelS said:

When godly counselling is needed we do share our opinion, which is important, but it's also true that too many voices can lead to confusion.

Click to expand...

i actually dont so much agree. god is the greatest couselour, but our brothers and sisters can also help. There is wisdom in many counsils.

GospelS said:

It won't be natural anymore.

Click to expand...

what does this mean?

GospelS said:

We are here to pray, support, witness, encourage, and learn from what God's doing.

Click to expand...

i agree. but the weight of the world is so heavy, it is difficult to not get lost in the weeds of the enemy. the enemy can disguise himself as light! we can be deceived. part of the journey and part of the battle that all of us face, even christ himself, is to be able to discern and distinguish the truth and light of God from the darkness and trickery of the enemy.

what i have learned it, it is one thing to read the word and know it in your brain, it is much more difficult a process to write it on ones heart. THAT takes time, experience, trial and error, tempation, etc. and i guess that's what im dealing with

i had an expectation that if i believed enough and started going to church and better cultivating my relationship with the lord, that things would be fixed quickly. but as only god knew, the things i needed fixed and not just things you can superglue together! im a bit of a tangled up mess!