Faith Crisis

I posted this in New Members, but was encouraged to post it here. I’ve already had some good responses, but I want to see what everyone has to say.

This will be a little long, but I have been in a crisis of faith.

I’ve lived a life of greed, sloth and material good, as well as being an atheist. In April, I joined my wife’s church after realizing God is real and Jesus died for my sins, but that was the extent of my knowledge (I was baptized at 10, as I was crazies Christian and went to various Christian schools, but removed God from my life after I graduated).

I was baptized again in her church and felt I was saved. I did repent to God of my life, and confronted some people I needed to after I was baptized. I stopped smoking weed, stopped inappropriate content and repaired my relationship with my mom (honour the father and thy mother).

However, I was doing some strange things (I had been developing a table top rgp before my conversion). I was thinking I could understand what God wanted me to do by asking him questions and judging the time and how numbers added up. I told you, some weird behavior.

I’ve realized that is messed up and have tried to stop doing it. I have been reading the Bible, and really enjoy Acts. But a lot has happened in the weeks since the middle of April.

But I have developed insomnia, have had a few satanic dreams, since from the confusion of intellectual faith vs real faith, with some sermons saying all you need to do is believe in Jesus and you are saved, while others say “nope, gotta do works”. But then I read that works don’t matter. I’ve even donated to help a stranger and a few donations to charities, but I can’t tell if that is from the heart, out of fear or if it even matters (cause works don’t save you).

I’ve been seeing 9 (Bible says that means judgement) everywhere. We play a card came called play 9 (after golf) and all my individual scores could be added to nine. When I realized the last score would, I purposefully messed it up. Then the next day playing it with my wife, the last box was 63; which adds to 9.

I’m in a terror. With lack of sleep, repeating numbers, sermons that say just believe, while others say it is more than that, along with how can I tell of my faith is faith or mental. Then to top it off, the Lion Of Judah on YouTube says God doesn’t even care about your reading the Bible, going to church or any of that, he just cares about what is in your heart.

I am so, so very confused. And because of certain requirements (appointments for my wife, my mom and dog obligations), I dont know how to fix the sloth part of my life; which means I am still living in sin. I can’t just give all my money away without abandoning my obligations in order to not be like the rich man in hell.

God isn’t answering my prayers. I am in a fright he has stopped listening to me and has already judged me. How do I get back on the right track? I believe Jesus Christ is God, came here to spread the Word, was crucified, died and resurrected for our sins. But, is that just mental knowledge?

Not to mention, since I basically became an atheist after years of removing God, that makes me guilty of apostasy; which I have asked God to forgive after my second baptism.

How do I fix this? How do I fix my relationship with God?

I am sorry this message is so screwed up; I need help.

Edited: When I posted before, I forgot to add that I went through a period of condemnation of my past, as well as did a burning of a bunch of things I was holding above God, like in Acts. However, I think zeal had a hold of me. Not everything needed to go.